LatinCoffee Posted November 19, 2021 Posted November 19, 2021 So I'll make this brief. I'm a gay male (in my 40s and look late 20s, early 30s) and he's also in his 40s. We have been both single for a bit and he contacted me on a dating site. We went out for a few drinks, hit it off. Stopped chatting for reasons unknown. A few months later, reconnected and he asked me to be his boyfriend. We have been dating for a month and 1/2 and things seem to be moving fast. I want to slow down a bit though I enjoy being around him and we do fun things together. He has introduced me to his friends and all. I have talked to my family about him but have not brought him around (as I feel it's too quick in the relationship). Though he tells me that he has never cheated etc., I get this gut feeling like he's sneaking around when Im not around him and also he has 1k folks on his facebook and most are guys. I have slept at his place several times and we have yet to have sex. I am not sexually attracted to him but I dont want to hurt him by telling him this. When we are together, he holds my hands and blows me kisses but I am just not feeling him. But when we are not together, I miss him. Maybe I have been single so long and have been used to being alone that I am scared and not allowing myself to enjoy someone in my life. However, Plot twist, He disclosed being married to someone to help him with legal papers & nothing else but claims to have fallen in love with me. So are these red flags to just break things off? Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks. -A
FMW Posted November 19, 2021 Posted November 19, 2021 I think the primary concern is that you are not sexually attracted to him, and you are "just not feeling him". That doesn't bode well for the longevity of your relationship. Maybe you just really like him as a person, as a friend. You miss him when he's not around because you enjoy having a certain someone to count on. For a romantic relationship you need more than that. At some point, without that non-platonic bond, you are likely to be tempted by someone else you ARE feeling. Suspecting he is sneaking around is a big concern. Trust in what someone tells you and in what they do is an integral part of a good relationship of any kind. The impact of his marriage depends on the details and about your own feelings about it. If it purely is a marriage of convenience, they don't share a life together as a couple, and you don't care about the possibility of marrying him yourself, then it might be something you can deal with. That's a lot of ifs though. It's possible you are just ready to get back into the world of dating again and are using this opportunity as a comfortable way to ease back in.
introverted1 Posted November 19, 2021 Posted November 19, 2021 He's married, you are not sexually attracted, you don't trust him... any one of those would be reason enough to call things off.
Author LatinCoffee Posted November 19, 2021 Author Posted November 19, 2021 3 hours ago, FMW said: I think the primary concern is that you are not sexually attracted to him, and you are "just not feeling him". That doesn't bode well for the longevity of your relationship. Maybe you just really like him as a person, as a friend. You miss him when he's not around because you enjoy having a certain someone to count on. For a romantic relationship you need more than that. At some point, without that non-platonic bond, you are likely to be tempted by someone else you ARE feeling. Suspecting he is sneaking around is a big concern. Trust in what someone tells you and in what they do is an integral part of a good relationship of any kind. The impact of his marriage depends on the details and about your own feelings about it. If it purely is a marriage of convenience, they don't share a life together as a couple, and you don't care about the possibility of marrying him yourself, then it might be something you can deal with. That's a lot of ifs though. It's possible you are just ready to get back into the world of dating again and are using this opportunity as a comfortable way to ease back in. Thanks for your advise @FMW
Author LatinCoffee Posted November 19, 2021 Author Posted November 19, 2021 2 hours ago, introverted1 said: He's married, you are not sexually attracted, you don't trust him... any one of those would be reason enough to call things off. Thanks for your advice, @introverted1
glows Posted November 19, 2021 Posted November 19, 2021 Did he tell you he was married after you both spent a good amount of time together or at the start? Info like that needs to be disclosed early on so that issues like this or questioning someone's integrity isn't a problem later. Of course that trust is undermined if he didn't disclose pertinent or relevant info at the start. The questionable nature of your dating and interaction with this person would also play a part in sexual attraction. Imho, it doesn't matter how good looking or attractive a person may be. If he/she doesn't have the qualities, in terms of personality or character, that I find attractive, nothing would happen. Zero, nada. No interest at all. It seems more that you enjoy the affection and attention someone is showing you and that is very wonderful all at once. This is more of a learning experience easing back into dating. I'd steer clear of this man.
ExpatInItaly Posted November 19, 2021 Posted November 19, 2021 There is zero basis for a relationship here. You aren't into him, which means this will never work - even regardless of his behaviour and background. Do the right thing and end this.
Killian898 Posted November 19, 2021 Posted November 19, 2021 I’m a male and straight, and so not sure if it’s different for gay guys, but for me I personally couldn’t be in a relationship where I’m not sexually attracted to the other person. That is very important to me. It wouldn’t even get off the start ramp tbh. Some people may think that’s shallow, but that’s just how I’m wired.
Calmandfocused Posted November 19, 2021 Posted November 19, 2021 I’m a female in my 40s. Granted as you get older it’s harder to find someone you’re compatible with. But I can tell you from very recent experience that if you’re not sexually attracted to someone from the get go then you never will be. I’ve recently (unintentionally) hurt a really nice guy, simply because I was trying to force myself to feel something that I didn’t - sexual attraction. It just wasn’t there for me, whereas he was under the impression we were onto something good. However all that happened was that I felt terrible for hurting him. It’s just not worth it op. Stay single until you find someone who does float your boat.
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