sparrowb Posted November 18, 2021 Posted November 18, 2021 Hi, I've been seeing this guy for about six months now, he is 32 yrs old, I'm 26 yrs. We came from same university, matched on Tinder. I liked him from the first day we met, and things went pretty well. We have similar taste, kinda have common interests we can talk about. After four months, he all of a sudden told me that he wanted to stop seeing me. But after two weeks later, he came back told me, he had this bad habit backing away when things are getting serious. But this time he didn't want to back away. I was very sad when this happened first cause I didn't expect this at all so I got hurt and deleted everything related to him, and when he came back this was my first time to meet someone again so I decided to give it a try as he is very rational, unemotional and practical guy which I never expect that he could come back. Sorry if I explained his personality a bit what you guys didn't think haha, but he's in management consultant very workerholic. His persona has been built based on work life so he used to tell me tired, or complain stuff, he is a bit negative person. I think we are very different as I am very positive, emotional, empathetic and try my best to understand and respect each person, situation. So although I knew his a bit unique personality he's been showing his way of affection - cuddling, poking or teasing which was fine. But things are getting more drama thesedays, I found he's been only in casual relationship for the last five years so used to date 60-80 girls, and last weekend 01:00 a girl he used to date before me for 3 years back and forth got fully drunk and started to knock his apartment, we were both in bed and called him, did it for an hour. I was freaked out, embarassed and even scared to be in that situation. I was scared if he goes back to her and this happens again so I told him if he continues seeing me he should fix this. and sometimes when we meet up after work, he usually prefer having dinner quickly at home and get back to work but one day he suggested to eat out so we did and when we came back, he told me eating out during weekday is weird, it ruined his routine so he felt weird, detached and that evening, we didn't talk, he just worked, played video game and fell asleep with ipad. I felt worthless and become a bit exhausted... I like him a lot but started to more realize thesedays maybe this is not for me. I choose to go back to him, respect his past, his life, busy work, tired life i can handle that but what make me feel tired from this is I cannot see him making any effort or care about me, how i feel. I wrote him a card, clean his place, always try to receive his call nicely but maybe I am too nice to him, i don't feel he treated me as i deserve. I met his parents recently, and we first time ever talked about our relationship where we are and although we didn't formalize yet, we agree we are on the same page, getting more serious. I like him just the way he is so even everything happens i try my best to understand him but time to time, i don't know if he likes me or if he's just simply tired or stressed or so. I tend to overthink because of previous thing, that i got dumped from nowhere so when he acted a bit detached or disconnected, i become a bit insecure and nervous. Sorry for long story. Here are some questions i want to ask! I don't have many experience in this so much appreciated any advice. 1. Should I take some time and see how things are with him? or just end right away.... 2. If he acted a bit detached and disconnected, should I be worried or am i overthink? Thank you!
Wiseman2 Posted November 18, 2021 Posted November 18, 2021 35 minutes ago, Katelee said: I've been seeing this guy for about six months now, he is 32 yrs old, I'm 26 yrs. . After four months, he all of a sudden told me that he wanted to stop seeing me. But after two weeks later, he came back told me, he had this bad habit backing away when things are getting serious. last weekend 01:00 a girl he used to date before me for 3 years back and forth got fully drunk and started to knock his apartment, we were both in bed and called him, did it for an hour. Sorry this is happening. Yes, you are being too nice and need to end things. On/Off relationships create chaos and worse, he has women showing up at his house . 1
stillafool Posted November 18, 2021 Posted November 18, 2021 I agree you are being too nice almost at floormat level. Men like him will walk all over you if you don't show some backbone, which he will respect. If that is too much for you then yes I do think you should end it considering how he's treated you. 2 1
Author sparrowb Posted November 19, 2021 Author Posted November 19, 2021 Hi, Thanks for the reply. So I had a talk with him yesterday. He's been going through some identity crisis, which basically he's been working so much now he doesn't know who he is, what he likes and what he wants to do with his life. I asked him should we stop here? and he told me honestly, he knows that we are getting serious but cannot formalize or progress our relationship to next level now now as he has this issue wants to fix. But he said he wants to see me, likes me or so. Why he's telling me this stuff? Should I run now? I feel it's not going to last long term, right?
Wiseman2 Posted November 19, 2021 Posted November 19, 2021 9 minutes ago, Katelee said: Should I run now? Yes. He's demoting you to FWB with the "has to find himself" excuse. Cut your losses. 3
chillii Posted November 20, 2021 Posted November 20, 2021 He's too young and still working himself out . He might want to see you yeah but nothing serious and won't be with anyone for years yet . Sorry but your wasting your time with him. 1
IrinaM Posted November 20, 2021 Posted November 20, 2021 hun, don't EVER let a man tell you another woman is crazy, psycho, obsessed, anything like that. This other lady who showed up at his home is likely someone who he is deeply involved with, that's why she felt entitled to act that way. He has no regard for your safety. You could have been attacked, which would probably have given him an ego boost, having two women "fighting" over him. You can see he has a habit of giving vague and unclear answers (i like you, but i don't know, i just can't commit, but i want to see you again, but i need to sort myself out first, can we see where this leads...). These kinds of men are not worth the drama they bring, ever. 1
stillafool Posted November 20, 2021 Posted November 20, 2021 On 11/19/2021 at 5:44 AM, Katelee said: He's been going through some identity crisis, which basically he's been working so much now he doesn't know who he is, what he likes and what he wants to do with his life. This is you making excuses for his lack of commitment to you. He said he "likes" you, didn't say he was "in love" with you. I think you're the one who is getting serious about him but he is only looking to casually date you. 1
spiderowl Posted November 21, 2021 Posted November 21, 2021 (edited) On 11/19/2021 at 10:44 AM, Katelee said: Hi, Thanks for the reply. So I had a talk with him yesterday. He's been going through some identity crisis, which basically he's been working so much now he doesn't know who he is, what he likes and what he wants to do with his life. I asked him should we stop here? and he told me honestly, he knows that we are getting serious but cannot formalize or progress our relationship to next level now now as he has this issue wants to fix. But he said he wants to see me, likes me or so. Why he's telling me this stuff? Should I run now? I feel it's not going to last long term, right? Oh dear, I sense that is the 'I want your company, sex, and all that, but I don't know what else I want if anything'. I think he's a bit too old to be having an identity crisis. He is blaming his work - that's an excuse. Yes, he might well be working too much but he should have a better idea how he feels about you by now. I think you have been too eager to please him and it has left him thinking he can take you or leave you and you will still be hanging around waiting for him. Only you can decide what to do but maybe be less accommodating, spend less time with him fitting around his work and put yourself and your own activities first. He needs to realise you are not going to be his toy on a string. Also, I agree with others that he's probably got other women in this state of not knowing where they stand with him. Best to assume he is not sexually exclusive with you until you know for sure. While he sounds non-committal, it is hard to know whether he is non-committal with you or whether this is his usual style of relationship. This may be one of the guys who never commits to one person. Edited November 21, 2021 by spiderowl 1
Author sparrowb Posted November 21, 2021 Author Posted November 21, 2021 Okay, I know for sure I should end this. The more I talk with him, I realized he doesn't deserve me. Will do it, thank you for all your replies. 4 1
basil67 Posted November 21, 2021 Posted November 21, 2021 (edited) Hi lack of commitment should be a dealbreaker. But why the heck were both of you ignoring a shouting woman in your apartment building at 1am for an HOUR?! Even if she was drunk and shouty, there is a duty of care to your neighbours to keep the peace. He should have gone out and tried to placate her while you called the police to report a disturbance. I suspect his landlord will be receiving noise complaints about him. Edited November 21, 2021 by basil67 1
glows Posted November 21, 2021 Posted November 21, 2021 On 11/19/2021 at 2:44 AM, sparrowb said: Hi, Thanks for the reply. So I had a talk with him yesterday. He's been going through some identity crisis, which basically he's been working so much now he doesn't know who he is, what he likes and what he wants to do with his life. I asked him should we stop here? and he told me honestly, he knows that we are getting serious but cannot formalize or progress our relationship to next level now now as he has this issue wants to fix. But he said he wants to see me, likes me or so. Why he's telling me this stuff? Should I run now? I feel it's not going to last long term, right? A big pause is needed. Don't ask him any other questions as the answers will be befuddled. He's not in a state to answer your questions. Make up your mind whether this is working for you and decide there whether he's the partner you're looking for. I think what you're looking for is a polite agreement and discussion with sensible rationale about ending the relationship. He won't help you with that. It's unlikely that he'll be interested in putting any or more effort into this so you will languish sadly and be unhappy.
smackie9 Posted November 22, 2021 Posted November 22, 2021 yes end it. let him go figure out himself on his own...like you have time for that crap. 1
Author sparrowb Posted November 23, 2021 Author Posted November 23, 2021 (edited) Hi all, thank you for all your replies. So I talked with him last weekend, told him I cannot do this. But he told me, let's how things, rather see this simple. what he told me is that simply he has been confused and not sure with his feelings and life at the same time so asked me if i can give him and us some time. cause if we are in relationship for him it is getting married, i am too young to get married... don't want it now now... He's been struggling with his identity crisis when i started to see him and that's why i felt i am in same situation when he dumped me before during summer, as he has more time, not much work during vacation, he felt drifitng around and told me he couldn't do this anymore. but then he came back. and now it's similar situation, i feel stucked and don't know what to do. I will spend christmas with my family cause i don't have to necessarily spend time with his parents as we didn't formalize anything and don't know anything. Then he was a bit sick after that, think to be honest karma...haha,, but yes i still feel i should end but maybe i also thought i just give a bit of time to us and think i can do it, as i know i am not obsessed with him anymore as before, which makes me in better position, maybe the more i go through him, the easier i can cut off his straight away... I am sorry, i just didn't end as i said, i know i am doing stupid and waste my time already... Edited November 23, 2021 by sparrowb 1
smackie9 Posted November 23, 2021 Posted November 23, 2021 You will lose any opportunity for happiness if you "stick it out" with him. He dumped you during the summer....well it's almost winter and nothing really has changed in your situation....and I predict you will see no change in a couple of months. 1
chillii Posted November 24, 2021 Posted November 24, 2021 (edited) Yeah , agreeing with others sorry op, two things. ln saying too young well technically he's not but mentally he's everywhere and by the sounds will be a long while yet. Meantime you won't be able to rely on anything he says, hence his on off and wishy woshy with you. 2ndly though, he;s told you point blank and shown too anyway that he isn't sure of his feelings well, he's still all over the place so sorry but that usually doesn't end well and tbh your wasting your time. Edited November 24, 2021 by chillii 1
spiderowl Posted November 25, 2021 Posted November 25, 2021 On 11/23/2021 at 3:29 PM, sparrowb said: I am sorry, i just didn't end as i said, i know i am doing stupid and waste my time already... Things are rarely black and white and what he has said is confusing. No doubt you are feeling confused. I would just let it ride but keep a bit of a distance from now on, on the basis that you have time to develop your other friendships while he is working himself out. I think if you have no expectations of him but at the same time do not put up with any maltreatment, you can coast along until things clear in your mind. I do think the unconscious mind works on these things and eventually you will know whether he is right for you or not. Just don't put up with any messing about or disrespect and the way will be a lot clearer.
Author sparrowb Posted November 25, 2021 Author Posted November 25, 2021 11 hours ago, spiderowl said: Things are rarely black and white and what he has said is confusing. No doubt you are feeling confused. I would just let it ride but keep a bit of a distance from now on, on the basis that you have time to develop your other friendships while he is working himself out. I think if you have no expectations of him but at the same time do not put up with any maltreatment, you can coast along until things clear in your mind. I do think the unconscious mind works on these things and eventually you will know whether he is right for you or not. Just don't put up with any messing about or disrespect and the way will be a lot clearer. Hi, thanks for your reply. For the last five months, I also sometimes was not sure what I want with him especially considering what has happened last few weeks. So I asked him lots of questions as I was confused for the last couple of days. But now I feel much better, feel myself more and know where I should stand. I told him that I feel much better, feel myself know where I should stand and handle this. I already booked my flight going back to my family during christmas as although his parents invited me to spend with them, i don't want to give him any single indirect pressure or stress that he needs to take care of me, especially after the talk we had - stay where we are for a while and see how things are, think it's good that we both have some distance and have each time. Thesedays, I am talking to him everyday as he calls me but also try to spend and focus on myself first. I'm not desparate to him or obsessed with and if things are not ideally going then I am ready to leave as well. So will see how things are, give us some time if we could figure what each individual want. Thanks!
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