Jet8419 Posted November 18, 2021 Posted November 18, 2021 I’ve been dating a guy for the last couple of months, and things were going well, I’ve met his friends but not his parents who don’t live in the same city. Last couple of weeks, I felt he was suddenly distant and didn’t text or see me at all for 2 weeks. I checked in on him and he revealed his dad was just diagnosed with cancer, and he’s been travelling to visit him the last couple of weekends. He didn’t say which stage the cancer is at, but his dad will be having surgery soon. I offered if I could help with anything, his reply was “all good, he’ll just be focused on his dad and work right now”. So I said I’m always around if he needs me, he replied with “thanks x”. I do like this guy and want to be supportive, but I don’t know what my obligations are given we aren’t official. I completely understand we won’t be seeing each other for a while, but is he implying we’re finished and wants me to move on, or we’re just on hold? I can wait for him but for how long since he isn’t committed to me?
Wiseman2 Posted November 18, 2021 Posted November 18, 2021 12 minutes ago, Jet8419 said: I said I’m always around if he needs me, he replied with “thanks x”. I don’t know what my obligations are given we aren’t official Sorry this is happening. You're only dating 60 days, so of course he would rather turn to trusted friends and family for support right now. You have zero "obligations", because you are not in a relationship or his GF. You can be "on hold" if you want, but he's not asking you to be. Step way back. You're not exclusive so you can date other people if you wish. 1
Author Jet8419 Posted November 18, 2021 Author Posted November 18, 2021 Sorry, I should clarify we’ve been exclusive for the past month, just not officially DTR if that makes sense. Basically a situationship is the stage we’re at before his dad’s diagnosis.
Wiseman2 Posted November 18, 2021 Posted November 18, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, Jet8419 said: , his reply was “all good, he’ll just be focused on his dad and work right now”. Step back. If he wants or needs anything, he knows your contact info. Give him some breathing room and try to understand that dating is not his priority right now. Whether he's using this as his exit ramp or not, don't reach out unless he does. Edited November 18, 2021 by Wiseman2 2
Gaeta Posted November 18, 2021 Posted November 18, 2021 To me the 2 weeks of not hearing from him means the relationship is/was over then. At 6 weeks dating the bond was not strong enough for him carry on dating. His father was "just" diagnosed with cancer, he's having a surgery, it doesn't mean his father's life is threaten, to me it's an excuse. lt is over. Don't wait for him. 8
introverted1 Posted November 18, 2021 Posted November 18, 2021 The fact that he went completely silent for 2 weeks is a sign that the relationship is over, imo. Even with a seriously ill parent, there is time to (at a minimum) send a text briefly sharing what's going on and explaining that communication will be lessened. Also the "all good, just focused on dad and work" says that he has time for what is important and that doesn't include you. Get busy with your own life. If he shows up again in the future, you can evaluate whether you want to reconnect. In the meantime, he's made it clear he doesn't want contact and there's really nothing more for you to do where he's concerned. 7
elaine567 Posted November 18, 2021 Posted November 18, 2021 4 hours ago, Jet8419 said: I offered if I could help with anything, his reply was “all good, he’ll just be focused on his dad and work right now”. Translation = Thanks but no thanks and btw I am now going to concentrate on my work and my Dad. Nothing there includes you. I think you need to assume he has dumped you, he doesn't want to be dating when his mind is taken up with more important stuff. He doesn't see your "help" as being needed here. You need to move on. Don't wait. 5
stillafool Posted November 18, 2021 Posted November 18, 2021 I have to agree with others that he's letting you go. TBH, his dad's cancer could be a factor but I know when my mother had cancer I needed my husband (bf at the time) for emotional support. Most people do need emotional support when they are caring for a sick parent. It's odd that he's basically backed away from you during this time. Did he ever actually ask you to be his gf or you just assume you are? 4
smackie9 Posted November 18, 2021 Posted November 18, 2021 Ya I agree him not communicating for 2 weeks is a pretty good indicator of him cutting you loose. It's just bad timing. He likes you yes, but he can't be there for you emotionally at all. He doesn't want to drag you down that road. 2
Saracena Posted November 18, 2021 Posted November 18, 2021 Agree with everyone else OP. The fact he never bothered to let you know in the first place (when he could easily have at any point, ) plus you being the one who did resume contact, leads me to believe this. In fact, if he ever did want to resume things I wouldn't, in your position! 1
Author Jet8419 Posted November 18, 2021 Author Posted November 18, 2021 Hi all, thanks for all your input. I guess I’ll move on and try to forget about him then… it’s sad cos we were progressing really well and I would definitely stay to support him if we were in a committed relationship, even if it means not seeing him for a few months and giving him space to spend time with his dad. From what I know so far, it’s not terminal cancer and one that’s got a good prognosis when diagnosed early. I guess some of you are right he might be using it as an excuse to drop me. I’ll probably take a break from dating for a while now just to reset. Don’t know why but this hurts way more than a straightforward “been great meeting you but I’m not feeling it” spiel. 1 1
glows Posted November 18, 2021 Posted November 18, 2021 I would read this as no longer interested, the reasons not being so relevant, unfortunately. As mentioned, if he had wanted you in his life or felt this was going somewhere as you do or were as invested, he'd have included you in what was happening much earlier or been much more transparent with you. That his tone in response was short and clipped without any elaboration or consideration for your feelings suggests you both might not have been on the same page for awhile. What I would do is thank him for the info and wish him well. I wouldn't pursue this any further or contact him at all. 2
Calmandfocused Posted November 18, 2021 Posted November 18, 2021 6 hours ago, Gaeta said: To me the 2 weeks of not hearing from him means the relationship is/was over then. At 6 weeks dating the bond was not strong enough for him carry on dating. His father was "just" diagnosed with cancer, he's having a surgery, it doesn't mean his father's life is threaten, to me it's an excuse. lt is over. Don't wait for him. 100% agree. I know it’s hard to accept but that the reality is he didn’t have the balls to tell you that he wants out… so he disappeared instead. In any event I question whether what he’s telling you about his dads cancer diagnosis is true. However whether it is or it isn’t the important thing is his actions are telling you all you need to know 1
mark clemson Posted November 18, 2021 Posted November 18, 2021 Right. If he was interested in a committed R he would have told you about the cancer diagnosis so you'd know what's going on, why he's being distant, etc. Instead you had to call. Very bad sign. It might even be a lie/excuse, although there's certainly no guarantee. If he wanted you to be there to support him, etc he certainly could have let you know.
spiderowl Posted November 18, 2021 Posted November 18, 2021 15 hours ago, Jet8419 said: I’ve been dating a guy for the last couple of months, and things were going well, I’ve met his friends but not his parents who don’t live in the same city. Last couple of weeks, I felt he was suddenly distant and didn’t text or see me at all for 2 weeks. I checked in on him and he revealed his dad was just diagnosed with cancer, and he’s been travelling to visit him the last couple of weekends. He didn’t say which stage the cancer is at, but his dad will be having surgery soon. I offered if I could help with anything, his reply was “all good, he’ll just be focused on his dad and work right now”. So I said I’m always around if he needs me, he replied with “thanks x”. I do like this guy and want to be supportive, but I don’t know what my obligations are given we aren’t official. I completely understand we won’t be seeing each other for a while, but is he implying we’re finished and wants me to move on, or we’re just on hold? I can wait for him but for how long since he isn’t committed to me? It sounds like he wants to focus on family and is not going to take time out for a girlfriend. While his dad's diagnosis is bound to affect him badly, I do think that if he was really interested in a relationship with you, he would have made that clear at some point. One can understand he will want to be with his dad and help his family through this, but I think in your situation I would keep in touch on an occasional friendly basis and date others. The guy didn't give you any indication that he was going to be spending time with you in the near future. Whether that was what he intended to communicate is anyone's guess but don't wait around for him.
Lotsgoingon Posted November 19, 2021 Posted November 19, 2021 17 hours ago, Jet8419 said: I offered if I could help with anything, his reply was “all good, he’ll just be focused on his dad and work right now”. So I said I’m always around if he needs me, he replied with “thanks x”. I do like this guy and want to be supportive, but I don’t know what my obligations are given we aren’t official. Trust your paranoid instincts here. Something smells fishy here. You have known each other for a few months and he disappears. Having a dad with cancer is no excuse. If he respected you, he would tell you that and stay in touch. You gotta get out of denial. Quit offering all this "help" and this "I'm always around" nonsense. No! If you were in a decent relationship, he would be leaning on you right now. Very important that you noticed that he didn't even tell you the kind of cancer his father had. His behavior is all red flags. You owe nothing. He is treating you like you owe him nothing and like he wants nothing for you. Get on with dating other people. This guy could easily be seeing another woman and just not be telling you about it. One of the ways we get suckered into hanging around people who aren't into us ... is the other person has some crisis in their life. Think about it: if you were into someone, you'd call on them to help you through the crisis. You've got a free card to ask the person to come over and hang with you, hold you, get food for you. Get out! I quoted you above because you're acting like a neglected person who is then offering to be serve the person who is neglecting them. You can stay. I guarantee you that he's going to cut off all contact with you within a month. Nobody disappears for 2 weeks when they're interested in someone. No one! I mean that literally. 1
dramafreezone Posted November 19, 2021 Posted November 19, 2021 (edited) 7 hours ago, mark clemson said: Right. If he was interested in a committed R he would have told you about the cancer diagnosis so you'd know what's going on, why he's being distant, etc. Instead you had to call. Very bad sign. It might even be a lie/excuse, although there's certainly no guarantee. If he wanted you to be there to support him, etc he certainly could have let you know. Man you all are a tough crowd. Some people in this thread are even doubting that his dad has cancer. It's a shame that dating has become so cynical. Some people just aren't good communicators, or they don't want to cry on a shoulder when they're dealing with something. Some guys don't think they're allowed to be vulnerable. Sometimes people just don't handle things the best way that they can, but doesn't mean that it's done with malice. People deal with grief differently. Edited November 19, 2021 by dramafreezone 2
mark clemson Posted November 19, 2021 Posted November 19, 2021 ^^ all true. The "grandma died" excuse approach also exits, so hard to know. 1
Author Jet8419 Posted December 12, 2021 Author Posted December 12, 2021 Just an update: I left the guy alone for 10 days, didn’t text or call him, and he texted me 10 days after I went silent, updated me on his dad’s condition the day he had surgery, which is legit (with pictures) and what he’llbe doing for next couple of months with his dad’s ongoing doctor visits etc. So I guess we’re back to talking as usual but not possible to meet given he still has to look after his dad for a bit longer while I’m heading away for a holiday myself. Guess we’ll just see what happens when we both return…
jdesey Posted December 13, 2021 Posted December 13, 2021 2 weeks with no contact at all and this was at the "we are exclusive" stage. Done with this one! If he was really into you he would be leaning on you for support. 1
chillii Posted December 13, 2021 Posted December 13, 2021 (edited) Exactly what l was thinking , l would be and if we were only new like you two but l was serious about her soooo, she gets a crash coarse , so what. If she's serious too and worth anything she'd handle it.lt would actually bring you closer. And not seeing you or even talking for wks , l'd come and see you just to have a break and l'd be missing you ha, he's dad probably needs a break too by then. Sorry op but he doesn't sound like he's all that into it. Edited December 13, 2021 by chillii
Recommended Posts