Author jerrygordon3 Posted November 18, 2021 Author Posted November 18, 2021 20 minutes ago, stillafool said: My goodness how old is she 12? Why is her mother involved in her business? If a man tried to involve my mother in our relationship I wouldn't see him anymore. well Im poised to leave the country and want closure. I asked online and some people said if the mother has called you before maybe you can ask her to speak with her to open up some communication because I really care about her etc and its a simple problem that can be talked about. she knew exactly what was going on and knows her kid has a habit of leaving guys. Her mom has told her even repeatedly this is the man for you, its fate that you met. She does tarot cards lol, but hey its a successful business for her. I digress- I get having issues with a partner, but healthy communication is key in a relationship and stonewalling someone for 1 week is just cruel. I wouldnt do it to anyone else. I know its wrong. its one thing ghosting someone you went out with once, but if youre dating someone its not ok.
Author jerrygordon3 Posted November 18, 2021 Author Posted November 18, 2021 (edited) 3 hours ago, JRabbit said: Seems like she wants someone to take care of her rather than be a partner. Decide if thats the roll you want going forward. You will likely be the one paying for everything and she can go off and do whatever she pleases. I know you said this girl is the one to open you up etc etc but did you ever consider that maybe that growth was your own doing and not because of her? A lot of people like to give credit to their partners for these things as a reason to stay with them and why they may be great, but reality is only you can really change yourself. She didn't do those things, you did that. Well she cares about status a lot. shes told me she always leaves men cause she has such high standards and just the way she spoke about it was a huge red flag when we were first dating. But she was super into me and said her mom has never approved of a guy before and she gave me 5 stars after I met her. So things went great and I figured maybe this is it. I'm really into this girl and we fell in love. But there were still these periods where she would just stress me out with long conversations about money, and then like 4 times now shes just gone silent following a shitty comment regarding money and once even blocked my number with zero announcement. And maybe for others it doesnt hurt that bad, but for me... I cant sleep. i have nightmares about her. im stressed to the point I cant eat. I'm honestly heartbroken when it happens and IDK why. cause I knew it was coming, but she always comes back, it goes back to amazing, and then it happens again. the last time it was a pattern. and thats when I said enough is enough. next time you need to communicate with me. She wants to think then thats ok. but the way she does it is messed up. like I had to practically force her to talk to me yseterday when I showed up just so we could actually figure out why she was upset, and then she cleared it up, we had a conversation but she was still like dont touch me. sort of thing? like uhhhh okay thats a little extreme. then she texted me when I left a photo of something shes buying. I responded this morning, good morning, that looks really nice I hope you get it ( its an apartment). she goes good morning, Im still not ready to speak with you, please leave me alone. And I respect that, maybe shell actually want to break up. but in the event she doesnt and its just a dramatic act she does on cycle once a month then that means its just gonna keep happening, and it really messes with me cause shes all I have. Im an expat and living alone in a foreign country and have started to think well, looks like theres a future with this girl. I never wanted to stay in Ukraine, I would prefer a more tropical location but I wouldnt trade that for this girl. she makes me happy. and then boom Edited November 18, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator language
JRabbit Posted November 18, 2021 Posted November 18, 2021 This is classic cycle of abuse. She is already starting with the financial abuse and manipulation. She is doing this hoping you will miraculously have more and more money and be willing to let her spend it at her free will. This is so unhealthy and while she may find that type of relationship eventually with someone she will likely be miserable and empty still. Be aware that these toxic drama cycles of push and pull also increase the feelings of intensity that make you think you are crazy "in love", but really what's happening is you are being manipulated and controlled. This is why people who are in abusive relationships often don't recognize it for a long long time. It feels like intense love but that is actually a red flag that things are not healthy. Abusers always act their best in the first bit of the relationship and seem like great partners. It seems like you want to stay with her though, so your only real option is to make more money and be willing to give her full access at all times. I personally wouldn't recommend that, but that seems like it will take to make her happy. Just don't be surprised when she starts acting this way if she doesn't get what she wants in every aspect of life.
Calmandfocused Posted November 18, 2021 Posted November 18, 2021 (edited) This is crazy! What’s more you appear to love it. And her. And the inevitable misery that is your relationship. Misery that will escalate to the point that you are left with nothing except your life in tatters. Enjoy the ride … Dont say we didn’t warn you! Edited November 18, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator language
Wiseman2 Posted November 18, 2021 Posted November 18, 2021 (edited) 6 hours ago, jerrygordon3 said: im in ukraine and its customary to provide, even local men have told me that theyre expect to as well and have been immediately dumped for the same reason. Ok. Perhaps culture influences the dating/romance/relationship situation. Courtship rituals vary greatly from culture to culture. However with media and social media you of course get a taste for how dating works elsewhere. And you have picked up an extraordinary amount of English/American slang and vulgarities, without even realizing how offensive you come across in English, so you are have a certain image of how it is in your area vs other areas. But that image is through media not actual experience. However you are kidding yourself if you think choosing someone else will make life easier for you if you're the one with so much hatred toward women in general. Edited November 18, 2021 by Wiseman2
chillii Posted November 18, 2021 Posted November 18, 2021 (edited) l know how the highs and niceties get you all sucked in , they excel in setting you up for a good kicking and more hoops later. Man, sooooo many things with her , and all this money stuff, wouldn't even know where to begin. Sorry buddy but l'd be on the fastest train outa there. Edited November 18, 2021 by chillii 2
elaine567 Posted November 18, 2021 Posted November 18, 2021 The money stuff is a red herring as she is Ukrainian living in Ukraine and culturally men are expected to provide. It is normal. I do not believe she is narcissistic, the "cycle" no doubt coincides with her finances month to month.. Depleted bank balance -> upset.OP is not a good enough provider, so she gets mad with him and goes AWOL for a while. Maybe she can't find anyone better so she comes back and repairs the damage, next month shampoo rinse and repeat. This month maybe she has actually found a better prospect.
Girl Fade Away Posted November 18, 2021 Posted November 18, 2021 11 hours ago, basil67 said: I said that the only conversation you should have with her is to end it. But you responded with this ^ I'm not sure what your thought train is. After all, there's nothing in any of this which makes it sound like she's a good candidate for a relationship. And there's nothing in any of this which sounds like you're happy or content with the status quo. This thing where she wants you to step up and "be a man" is so offensive. You do realise that this is her saying that you're currently not 'a man'? Why did you not dump her on the spot when she said this about you? Some women do talk about wanting a guy who's a "man" or a "real man" and it's such an offensive statement. Basically, this statement tends to come from Princesses look down on any man who's not their perfect guy and see him as some kind of castrato. (Imagine the feathers flying if you were to tell the woman who uses this type of language that you want her to be a woman or a "real woman" .) In short, your girlfriend sees you as lacking in masculinity....and yet you stay with her. Honestly, why isn't her view that you're not a man an absolute deal breaker for you? My question to you at this point: Why do you want to stay with her and subject yourself to more of her drama? 100% agree with @basil67. OP, it appears you have lost all self-respect. Your post stated she was struggling financially and wanted you to step up and be a 'man' and 'husband' (after only 4 month? seriously?) which I presume to mean she wants you to dig her out of her financial mess and provide. Even though you already pay for everything. This woman sounds extremely ENTITLED. Being a provider is all you are good for in her eyes. I am sorry to say that. Let me guess, she is hot and great in bed? May I be blunt? Stop being a chump, a simp. God this is so sad. I will tell you a little secret about women. The more a man tried to be "perfect" and "nice" the less a woman will respect you. Because trying to be perfect and nice means you do NOT respect yourself. I do NOT envision this getting any better. Locate self-respect, hold your head high and end this mess. And ask yourself the question emboldened above.
Author jerrygordon3 Posted November 18, 2021 Author Posted November 18, 2021 15 minutes ago, elaine567 said: The money stuff is a red herring as she is Ukrainian living in Ukraine and culturally men are expected to provide. It is normal. I do not believe she is narcissistic, the "cycle" no doubt coincides with her finances month to month.. Depleted bank balance -> upset.OP is not a good enough provider, so she gets mad with him and goes AWOL for a while. Maybe she can't find anyone better so she comes back and repairs the damage, next month shampoo rinse and repeat. This month maybe she has actually found a better prospect. but if shes been completely obsessing over me why would she lie about needing time just to find another prospect UNLESS she is doing the narcissistic cycle. I feel like I should wait to hear from her cause maybe we can talk finally cause... ya somehow shes gotten into my head and even though I'm feeling ok, I still am sad wishing for some sort of... something. But if shes grooming another man to be her next then how would I know.
elaine567 Posted November 18, 2021 Posted November 18, 2021 1 minute ago, jerrygordon3 said: if shes been completely obsessing over me Who says she is obsessing over you?
Author jerrygordon3 Posted November 18, 2021 Author Posted November 18, 2021 Just now, elaine567 said: Who says she is obsessing over you? I mean we are together and people comment about how great we are together and how they wish they had what we have. shes constantly kissing me and hugging me and cuddling me. Acts like a little baby around me. Acts super cute. takes care of me when Im sick. just works really hard to be a good GF. then she does this and I wonder if shes a narcisistic person who is just searching for a better provider because I somehow can never seem to be enough. it's like dating jekyll and hyde
Author jerrygordon3 Posted November 18, 2021 Author Posted November 18, 2021 21 minutes ago, Girl Fade Away said: 100% agree with @basil67. OP, it appears you have lost all self-respect. Your post stated she was struggling financially and wanted you to step up and be a 'man' and 'husband' (after only 4 month? seriously?) which I presume to mean she wants you to dig her out of her financial mess and provide. Even though you already pay for everything. This woman sounds extremely ENTITLED. Being a provider is all you are good for in her eyes. I am sorry to say that. Let me guess, she is hot and great in bed? May I be blunt? Stop being a chump, a simp. God this is so sad. I will tell you a little secret about women. The more a man tried to be "perfect" and "nice" the less a woman will respect you. Because trying to be perfect and nice means you do NOT respect yourself. I do NOT envision this getting any better. Locate self-respect, hold your head high and end this mess. And ask yourself the question emboldened above. shes super hot and really good in bed. but shes not like the hottest girl Ive ever dated or anything. I just... find myself thinking about how amazing falling for her was and the whole summer. it felt really good.
elaine567 Posted November 18, 2021 Posted November 18, 2021 8 minutes ago, jerrygordon3 said: I mean we are together and people comment about how great we are together and how they wish they had what we have. shes constantly kissing me and hugging me and cuddling me. Acts like a little baby around me. Acts super cute. takes care of me when Im sick. just works really hard to be a good GF. then she does this and I wonder if shes a narcisistic person who is just searching for a better provider because I somehow can never seem to be enough. it's like dating jekyll and hyde Why does she need to be narcissistic to be looking for a better provider?
Author jerrygordon3 Posted November 18, 2021 Author Posted November 18, 2021 11 minutes ago, jerrygordon3 said: shes super hot and really good in bed. but shes not like the hottest girl Ive ever dated or anything. I just... find myself thinking about how amazing falling for her was and the whole summer. it felt really good. I just texted her if I could come by and get my stuff and she said "no", and i was like I would just like to get my things... and shes like ill leave them at the door take you and your things out of my life!!. like shes super mad at me for asking cause IDK im not trying to play her game anymore? her silent treatment of 4 days treating me like a disease right after acting like im the love of her life. im so confused
FMW Posted November 18, 2021 Posted November 18, 2021 This seems to be a fairly common problem - guys* will put up with all kinds of crazy and all kinds of abuse for a woman they find hot and sexy. We all choose our priorities so I don't have any issues with someone choosing hot and sexy over all else. What I don't understand is why the guys* spend so much time trying to figure out WHY the woman does what she does. All you need to know is this is how she is going to treat you. The cycle continues, experience should tell you this is what you should expect. It's like sticking your hand on a hot stove repeatedly and then wondering why you're getting burned. It's only going to end if you stop putting up with it and remove yourself. *Women do similar things with men 1
Wiseman2 Posted November 18, 2021 Posted November 18, 2021 Just now, jerrygordon3 said: I just texted her if I could come by and get my stuff and she said "no", and i was like I would just like to get my things. Is it urgent or are you just provoking drama? She has the right to only allow near her house at a convenient time, so reschedule in a couple of days...if you actually want the stuff back or are just trying to get a reaction?
Author jerrygordon3 Posted November 18, 2021 Author Posted November 18, 2021 8 minutes ago, elaine567 said: Why does she need to be narcissistic to be looking for a better provider? because she tells me im not man enough then gives me the silent treatment at least once a month for days on end. its a punishment
Author jerrygordon3 Posted November 18, 2021 Author Posted November 18, 2021 1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said: Is it urgent or are you just provoking drama? She has the right to only allow near her house at a convenient time, so reschedule in a couple of days...if you actually want the stuff back or are just trying to get a reaction? i just want my stuff so I can move on. shes deliberatly pushing me away and im not stupid its a game. valid reason or not the way shes treating me, like ive wronged her or been bad to her? like shes attempting to punish me? am I the only one seeing this?
Author jerrygordon3 Posted November 18, 2021 Author Posted November 18, 2021 1 minute ago, jerrygordon3 said: i just want my stuff so I can move on. shes deliberatly pushing me away and im not stupid its a game. valid reason or not the way shes treating me, like ive wronged her or been bad to her? like shes attempting to punish me? am I the only one seeing this? she said take you and your things out of my life. then i said you took me out im trying to work on things cause you love me. she says cause im tired of only words ( i give this girl every decency and then some and go out of my way to be a good guy for her). so she says im tired of only words and you cant do more than that so yes i want you out of my life. I said I was willing to move in together and take over finances because we love each other and talked about moving in together awhile ago. and she says no thx, too late sorry.
Author jerrygordon3 Posted November 18, 2021 Author Posted November 18, 2021 9 minutes ago, FMW said: This seems to be a fairly common problem - guys* will put up with all kinds of crazy and all kinds of abuse for a woman they find hot and sexy. We all choose our priorities so I don't have any issues with someone choosing hot and sexy over all else. What I don't understand is why the guys* spend so much time trying to figure out WHY the woman does what she does. All you need to know is this is how she is going to treat you. The cycle continues, experience should tell you this is what you should expect. It's like sticking your hand on a hot stove repeatedly and then wondering why you're getting burned. It's only going to end if you stop putting up with it and remove yourself. *Women do similar things with men this is good advice, I just fell for her initially because of how we were together, but her looks of course got me in the door? and yes the sex is really good too. but i do actually love this girl. I love looking at her. love being around her. I love it all. except she throws me away like im the worst person in the world suddenly and it totally destroys my confidence
elaine567 Posted November 18, 2021 Posted November 18, 2021 She IS pushing you away. True. It is not a game. Take the hint for your own sake.
basil67 Posted November 18, 2021 Posted November 18, 2021 9 minutes ago, jerrygordon3 said: because she tells me im not man enough then gives me the silent treatment at least once a month for days on end. its a punishment Bad behaviour isn't necessarily narcissism.
Author jerrygordon3 Posted November 18, 2021 Author Posted November 18, 2021 4 minutes ago, elaine567 said: She IS pushing you away. True. It is not a game. Take the hint for your own sake. well I thought she really loved me. but she just ended it. i tried my best and offered to take care of her financially. But im not wealthy.
glows Posted November 18, 2021 Posted November 18, 2021 (edited) It doesn't seem anything will change your mind about your relationship. If you're seeking to change her, she won't change. This is who she is. It also appears to be a relationship of three (including her mother), not the two of you. This threeway will continue for as long as the three of you live. If this is something that appeals to you carry on. There are multiple red flags about the relationship including deep resentment and disrespect. She doesn't sound capable of love. You don't seem capable of recognizing that. You both are financially comfortable however and have good sex, and that is about it. Does this sound enough to build a future on? You get to answer that, yes or no. But that answer will also mean having to make peace with your reality. Edited November 18, 2021 by glows
Author jerrygordon3 Posted November 18, 2021 Author Posted November 18, 2021 Just now, glows said: It doesn't seem anything will change your mind about your relationship. If you're seeking to change her, she won't change. This is who she is. It also appears to be a relationship of three (including her mother), not the two of you. This threeway will continue for as long as the three of you live. If this is something that appeals to you carry on. There are multiple red flags about the relationship including deep resentment and disrespect. She doesn't sound capable of love. You don't seem capable of recognizing that. You both are financially comfortable however and have good sex, and that is about it. Does this sound enough to build a future on? You get to answer that, yes or no. But that answer will also mean having to making peace with your reality. shes only mentioned money in our arguements and no matter how much i offer to pay she just says no tis not enough its too late. but we met 4 months ago
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