met someone special turns out maybe they have problems?

November 17, 2021

every 4 weeks she goes through the narcissistic cycle, love, devalue, stone walling, hoovering. I love this girl and when its good its great but she does this once a month and wont talk to me for days. This time its worse. Im willing to communicate but she isnt. but she has my things at her house and at this point I'm done. I need to end the relationship but she wont contact me to get my things. Her mom calls me sometimes and loves me/wants us to get married and knows how her daughter behaves with men. So I was thinking of sending her a message and asking her to talk to her daughter about communication and how I deserve a conversation and at the very least my things back from her house. I don't want to just show up and knock on her door. So I have two options: wait until she hits me up which may never happen, or call her mom and tell her whats going on. They talk every day and she listens to her mom and her mom puts her in her place. she knows and her mom knows she has problems with this. I think shes hiding it from her mom cause shes ashamed. she never tells her mom about these little falling outs

November 17, 2021

47 minutes ago, jerrygordon3 said:

at the very least my things back from her house. I don't want to just show up and knock on her door.

How long have you been dating? How old is she? How much stuff is at her house?

She's right not to talk to her mother about everything single relationship tiff and issue.

Did she block you? Did you break up?

Stop talking to the mother and tattling on your GF. Talk to your own people.

You don't "deserve a conversation". If you broke up or she wants time out, just move on. Do not bother the mother with your issues about your GF.

In writing, state that you would like to collect your belongings and ask for a mutually convenient time to do so.

Decide what you want. A breakup? Your stuff?

November 17, 2021

8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

How long have you been dating? How old is she? How much stuff is at her house?

She's right not to talk to her mother about everything single relationship tiff and issue.

Did she block you? Did you break up?

Stop talking to the mother and tattling on your GF. Talk to your own people.

You don't "deserve a conversation". If you broke up or she wants time out, just move on. Do not bother the mother with your issues about your GF.

In writing, state that you would like to collect your belongings and ask for a mutually convenient time to do so.

Decide what you want. A breakup? Your stuff?

well, i talked w her mom and she said everything will be fine shes just upset about finances and wants you to more or less try harder. But the issue is she breaks up with me every time she gets mad then comes back and says shes sorry. but I spend the time trying to move on. its not healthy and were in a serious relationship so yes, I do deserve either closure or a conversation. At the very least to be treated well. i treat her really good and shes always talking about how amazing i treat her and how happy she is. but she throws these little fits, then goes silent. and i spend the next few days trying to talk to her and just letting her know I love her and am willing to work through any problem she just needs to communicate. but i understand also shes the kind of person who isolates when shes mad

November 17, 2021

45 minutes ago, jerrygordon3 said:

i understand also shes the kind of person who isolates when shes mad

Ok. Stop suffocating her. If she wants space, step back. Unfortunately it seems you are incompatible. Regular tantrums are something to observe. Stop badgering the mother about her.

Is this the same woman?:

November 17, 2021

yeah...is this the 20 year old??

November 17, 2021

9 hours ago, jerrygordon3 said:

well, i talked w her mom and she said everything will be fine shes just upset about finances and wants you to more or less try harder. But the issue is she breaks up with me every time she gets mad then comes back and says shes sorry. but I spend the time trying to move on. its not healthy and were in a serious relationship so yes, I do deserve either closure or a conversation. At the very least to be treated well. i treat her really good and shes always talking about how amazing i treat her and how happy she is. but she throws these little fits, then goes silent. and i spend the next few days trying to talk to her and just letting her know I love her and am willing to work through any problem she just needs to communicate. but i understand also shes the kind of person who isolates when shes mad

Ugh, drama queen.

This is what she is, it's not going to get better, up and down, hot and cold, i love you, i hate you. Some just need those dramatic swings in emotions. What are the chances you think she's going to develop into a well adjusted, even-keeled person?

Either deal with it or move on.

Edited November 17, 2021 by dramafreezone

November 18, 2021

15 hours ago, jerrygordon3 said:

and i spend the next few days trying to talk to her and just letting her know I love her and am willing to work through any problem

Stop doing that.

People give the silent treatment because they WANT you to be begging them to come back. If you don't give them what they want, their silence won't last long.

It's useless to have a conversation with a person like this, she doesn't have the emotional maturity. Of course the mother wants you 2 to stay together, as long as she has you in her life, you're the one dealing with the daughter's craziness.

Leave the mother out of this.

Consider the things you have there as lost unless it's a rolex.

November 18, 2021

15 hours ago, jerrygordon3 said:

were in a serious relationship so yes, I do deserve either closure or a conversation.

The conversation and closure is something you have to give yourself. The only conversation which would be reasonable at this point is the one where you tell her that you're not taking her back because you're fed up with her behaviour. If she tries to explain or apologise, just tell her it's too little too late and that you're not interested in her view.

The closure comes from knowing that you made the right decision.

November 18, 2021

19 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok. Stop suffocating her. If she wants space, step back. Unfortunately it seems you are incompatible. Regular tantrums are something to observe. Stop badgering the mother about her.

Is this the same woman?:

shes 28. she said I dont do enough for her. that she feels married after only 4 months. and that shes struggling financially and expects me to be a man and show her im capabale of being a husband. But back story she does this same routine monthly. love you, hate you for some money related issue, silence, hey im back, love you again.

she mentioned her dead beat dad, how he never provided. until much later when he became wealthy. how she never wanted to rely on a man for finances but now that she isnt shes scared because her business isnt going so well. I offered to move with her and cover all the base expenses, rent util groceries, dates. she said shes too mad at me to be thinking about that.

I never bought her flowers and she wants to feel like a woman.

HOWEVER, we have a great relationship. I treat her like a queen. She is really sexy to me and Im all over her all the time. but sometimes i just do my own thing for a couple hours in the room. we sit around the house a lot. but thats because its freezing here and unless we are going out to eat, this being a beach city theres not much to do. took her to get a couples massage last week. we have a pretty good sex life, probably more than good. i cook and clean, she cooks and cleans. its over all a healthy relationship yet apparently she isnt impressed suddenly.

November 18, 2021

1 minute ago, jerrygordon3 said:

she feels married after only 4 months.

What does she mean by this? Have you only been dating 16 weeks?

November 18, 2021

4 hours ago, basil67 said:

The conversation and closure is something you have to give yourself. The only conversation which would be reasonable at this point is the one where you tell her that you're not taking her back because you're fed up with her behaviour. If she tries to explain or apologise, just tell her it's too little too late and that you're not interested in her view.

The closure comes from knowing that you made the right decision.

well if shes saying she wants me to step up and be a man and help her out financially and that i dont buy her gifts e nough. even the ocassional flowers.

but i do spend money on her, i pay for literally everything. and she knows i love her very much. narcissistic cycle of abuse, or am I just not stepping up like her customs are used to. I act perfect in relationships. I do this because I want to know that if it fails, it was their fault. I dont hide stuff, i dont talk to other girls, i dont party or go out, i give them compliments and cuddles. i cook i clean i offer to do nice things. i think im a pretty nice guy. but she convinces me im slacking off like a boy, and shes my mom. so the usual conviction i would have, has been manipulated to think im just not trying hard enough. but i dated a girl like that once, i just felt like wow i must be bad at this I need to try harder. and she just got worse and worse and worse and nithing I did ever made her happy. and I wonder if this girl is also a little tiny bit like this

November 18, 2021

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

What does she mean by this? Have you only been dating 16 weeks?

no idea, weve been dating 16 weeks maybe a bit more. its cold here and we dont go out that much. but we still do. we went out and partied ( expensive) for halloween, I took her for a massage. We go to the markets and I pay for all these groceries. I took her for a massage. we go out to eat occasionally. but we have a really nice relaxing relationship. we spend a lot of time with either friends at her house or go out to a bar, hang out at home, have a decent sex life, and cuddle/ order take out during the cuffing season. its a wonderful relationship. but somehow she always finds a way to be massively disappointed in me, tell me she feels like shes the man in the relationship which blows my damn mind, tells me she doesnt know about the relationship anymore or if she can move forward, then goes silent for days. Then we come back together and within a few days its all back to normal. I think its the narcissitic cycle of abuse. But I'm also not the kind of guy who can deal with these weird things either. like soem guys can just be like okay shes being a lunatic again whatever, wont messages and call trying to fix things, and just go on with their lives knowing shell come back. but thats just not healthy man

November 18, 2021

after dating about 7 or 8 weeks she broke down crying and confessed she was falling in love with me and she hasnt felt this way in a really long time. it scared her. and the love she gives me is great. she IS really good to me, but then does this. and to me, it sounds like a narcissist. like im being conditioned. like when is it going to happen again. is she going to come back this time. its f'ed up. Its definitely not normal. her mom loves me and my gf ( nastya) talks to her mom like 5 times a day. she told her mom what happened and that I spoke out of anger ( I just called her out on blaming me for her financial issues and said I was never going to pay her rent unless we lived together because I cant afford it. Her moms response was, what did you do to him to make him say that. Like I've spoken with her mom and i know she chases people away and acts like a princess. But im familiar with the narcissist cycle. always hoping itll be as good as it was, putting up with more and more abuse. getting less and less from them. waiting for them to change. hoping theyll treat you with respect. But piece by piece you give yourself to this person trying to keep up with whatever temper tantrum they want to have. At this point im bargaining with myself that yes she has valid reasons, and maybe if i try harder adn we come together that it will actually be enough. but when I say that I feel like a clown

November 18, 2021

9 minutes ago, jerrygordon3 said:

. But piece by piece you give yourself to this person trying to keep up with whatever temper tantrum they want to have.

Is there a reason you two are forced together such as co-signing a lease?

You really seems to hate her.

November 18, 2021

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Is there a reason you two are forced together such as co-signing a lease?

You really seems to hate her.

i dont hate her at all. but obviously you are taking her side so explain why or what you would do in my situation. because im prepared to move in together and make it work no matter what. while she disappears and treats me like a disease because we didnt agree on a financial thing or i didnt read her mind about paying something. all which could be fixed in a ten minute conversation gets dragged out for 4 days where she doesnt call or take any of my messages

November 18, 2021

2 hours ago, jerrygordon3 said:

well if shes saying she wants me to step up and be a man and help her out financially and that i dont buy her gifts e nough. even the ocassional flowers.

but i do spend money on her, i pay for literally everything. and she knows i love her very much. narcissistic cycle of abuse, or am I just not stepping up like her customs are used to. I act perfect in relationships. I do this because I want to know that if it fails, it was their fault. I dont hide stuff, i dont talk to other girls, i dont party or go out, i give them compliments and cuddles. i cook i clean i offer to do nice things. i think im a pretty nice guy. but she convinces me im slacking off like a boy, and shes my mom. so the usual conviction i would have, has been manipulated to think im just not trying hard enough. but i dated a girl like that once, i just felt like wow i must be bad at this I need to try harder. and she just got worse and worse and worse and nithing I did ever made her happy. and I wonder if this girl is also a little tiny bit like this

I said that the only conversation you should have with her is to end it. But you responded with this ^ I'm not sure what your thought train is. After all, there's nothing in any of this which makes it sound like she's a good candidate for a relationship. And there's nothing in any of this which sounds like you're happy or content with the status quo.

This thing where she wants you to step up and "be a man" is so offensive. You do realise that this is her saying that you're currently not 'a man'? Why did you not dump her on the spot when she said this about you? Some women do talk about wanting a guy who's a "man" or a "real man" and it's such an offensive statement. Basically, this statement tends to come from Princesses look down on any man who's not their perfect guy and see him as some kind of castrato. (Imagine the feathers flying if you were to tell the woman who uses this type of language that you want her to be a woman or a "real woman" .) In short, your girlfriend sees you as lacking in masculinity....and yet you stay with her. Honestly, why isn't her view that you're not a man an absolute deal breaker for you?

My question to you at this point: Why do you want to stay with her and subject yourself to more of her drama?

November 18, 2021

You talk about loving this woman, but at the same time you label her a narcissist, complain about her behaviour online, and have conversations with her mother about her behind her back.

That's not love. What you love are the periods of time where she's affectionate and makes you feel good. Maybe a part of you also enjoys the drama of talking to her mother and willing her to change, and the flattery you get from the mother. But in a genuine loving relationship, you accept ALL parts of the person. If you can't do that, it's a bad relationship that needs to end.

Her behaviour isn't OK. But no one is forcing you to put up with it. If she has a pattern of acting this way, it goes against all evidence to expect she'll change. You need a partner you can love as they are, not as you hope they might be if they do XYZ. This doesn't mean you have to date someone flawless and perfect, but you do need someone whose faults you can accept even if they're never resolved.

November 18, 2021

1 hour ago, jerrygordon3 said:

im prepared to move in together and make it work no matter what. she disappears and treats me like a disease

Don't move in together if you can't agree on finances and she "treats you like a disease".

How long have you been dating? What does she mean by "it feels like we've been married for 4 mos".?

November 18, 2021

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

I said that the only conversation you should have with her is to end it. But you responded with this ^ I'm not sure what your thought train is. After all, there's nothing in any of this which makes it sound like she's a good candidate for a relationship. And there's nothing in any of this which sounds like you're happy or content with the status quo.

This thing where she wants you to step up and "be a man" is so offensive. You do realise that this is her saying that you're currently not 'a man'? Why did you not dump her on the spot when she said this about you? Some women do talk about wanting a guy who's a "man" or a "real man" and it's such an offensive statement. Basically, this statement tends to come from Princesses look down on any man who's not their perfect guy and see him as some kind of castrato. (Imagine the feathers flying if you were to tell the woman who uses this type of language that you want her to be a woman or a "real woman" .) In short, your girlfriend sees you as lacking in masculinity....and yet you stay with her. Honestly, why isn't her view that you're not a man an absolute deal breaker for you?

My question to you at this point: Why do you want to stay with her and subject yourself to more of her drama?

she dated a rich guy before and now has to fend for herself, its obvious shes stressed about money and also that she really loves me, but every 4 weeks or so she sees im not a rich guy and dont just offer to pay for her problems. she doesnt ask a lot financially but also i am learning to trade stocks. its hard, and im barely profitable at all. but its still work. so she has this idea that she doesnt know how im going to be a provider. when she sent me the message about feeling like she had to be the man in the relationship i was really offended because I pay for everything when we go out, get groceries,etc. but somehow she goes from loving me, like reallllllly loving me. To telling me she needs time to think because she feels like shes pressuring me financially. Even though she isnt. even though I talked to her yesterday and offered to help her out cause shes stressed. Agreed that I should be doing small things like buying flowers sometimes. But I also pay for dinnners, bits at the grocery story. take us out, pay for drinks, and her friends drinks. tell her I love her and treat her like a queen, and she still suddenly puts me down, throws me away, stone walls me, and then eventually comes back. I forget the pain, things get great, then eventually it happens again

November 18, 2021

And again to the above, these are all good reasons to end it. Think about it: how many more months and years do you want to live like this?

Edited November 18, 2021 by basil67

November 18, 2021

Sorry l don't see her loving you.

She's looking for a wallet so she can have a lazy life with someone providing for her. You're in for a very long miserable life...and "pretty" doesn't last that long, it seens to be your only incentive to pursue this.

I didn't think men still put up with women looking for a provider.

November 18, 2021

4 hours ago, balletomane said:

You talk about loving this woman, but at the same time you label her a narcissist, complain about her behaviour online, and have conversations with her mother about her behind her back.

That's not love. What you love are the periods of time where she's affectionate and makes you feel good. Maybe a part of you also enjoys the drama of talking to her mother and willing her to change, and the flattery you get from the mother. But in a genuine loving relationship, you accept ALL parts of the person. If you can't do that, it's a bad relationship that needs to end.

Her behaviour isn't OK. But no one is forcing you to put up with it. If she has a pattern of acting this way, it goes against all evidence to expect she'll change. You need a partner you can love as they are, not as you hope they might be if they do XYZ. This doesn't mean you have to date someone flawless and perfect, but you do need someone whose faults you can accept even if they're never resolved.

this is a place to complain about unfair treatment online and get advice no? and shes treating me unfairly, no? her mother didnt stroke my ego she just said shes angry and I should go talk to her. And she had a stern talking to cause she knows her kid pushes people away. and if she isnt going to talk to me, and she wants to break up, and i ask online should i contact her mom and some people say yes, then I go ahead and take their advice, which is why a messaged her in the first palce

November 18, 2021

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Sorry l don't see her loving you.

She's looking for a wallet so she can have a lazy life with someone providing for her. You're in for a very long miserable life...and "pretty" doesn't last that long, it seens to be your only incentive to pursue this.

I didn't think men still put up with women looking for a provider.

im in ukraine and its customary to provide, even local men have told me that theyre expect to as well and have been immediately dumped for the same reason. its why im not a fan of the women here, but she is low money maintenance and never asks me for expensive stuff. we just go out and have the occassional fun together etc. so she isnt a gold digger, but she is worried about finances and had a rich ex for 3 years who bought her a house and gave her money every month. sort of like a sugar baby actually lol.

November 18, 2021

Seems like she wants someone to take care of her rather than be a partner. Decide if thats the roll you want going forward. You will likely be the one paying for everything and she can go off and do whatever she pleases.

I know you said this girl is the one to open you up etc etc but did you ever consider that maybe that growth was your own doing and not because of her?

A lot of people like to give credit to their partners for these things as a reason to stay with them and why they may be great, but reality is only you can really change yourself. She didn't do those things, you did that.

November 18, 2021

2 hours ago, jerrygordon3 said:

this is a place to complain about unfair treatment online and get advice no? and shes treating me unfairly, no? her mother didnt stroke my ego she just said shes angry and I should go talk to her. And she had a stern talking to cause she knows her kid pushes people away. and if she isnt going to talk to me, and she wants to break up, and i ask online should i contact her mom and some people say yes, then I go ahead and take their advice, which is why a messaged her in the first palce

My goodness how old is she 12? Why is her mother involved in her business? If a man tried to involve my mother in our relationship I wouldn't see him anymore.

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