Is there something wrong with him?

[Itsmeandyou]

I have been in a fbw relationship for a couple of years. This is a long story cut short. He has always said he doesn’t want a relationship and neither did I to start with. We did things together, we went away and went out for meals. 

as time went on I started to get feelings for him but he ended things with me a lot. But then he would come back to me and I went back. 

he would do something’s for me to help me big things. even without me asking. Or buy me flowers. And I went back. Sometimes he would mention a future or say we can go out with friends then I would make plans and then he would end it again. 

 

once he was on dating sites and I asked him about it and said if he’s looking for a relationship we should end what we are doing. And he said I was invading his privacy and I have no right. But he would get jealous about things. 

I have a child and I don’t have loads of free time. As time went on I gave less and less of my free time. And decided enough was enough and I didn’t go back. Now he has asked me to be with him and if I want to be with him I need to change my life a lot and have a lot more time together. 

Obviously I work and have a child so it’s hard to find a lot of time. Any ideas on what is going on with him? Thankyou

[Pumpernickel]

Sounds like he hasn’t found anything better, so you’re the backup plan as you’ve always been available. That’s just my opinion after reading your intro. 

[Foxhall]

Hes been playing the field for a while and ultimately now come to the conclusion that you are his best option after all,

Hes in the frame of mind now perhaps to make it more of a proper couples relationship with you,

whether that is good enough for you or for how long he will remain committed to that is questionable I suppose,

Hes also making demands of you in spite of not treating you particularly well in the past,

 

[chillii]

Sorry op but he isn't worth the thought of anything real. He obviously hasn't even wanted that along the way , no one acts like that forever on end when they truly want more and does all those things.

Above is right , he's found himself at a lose end again so he wants you around again. lf you want more than his crumbs when he feels like it and something real , a relationship, and more, then don't waste any more time on this dead end.

[Alpacalia]

Since you gave him less and less of your time he's trying to amp things up again.

The thing is you started to develop feelings for him unfortunately which kinda puts a dent in things.

And asking you to change your life around for him?  That's pretty bold.

[Itsmeandyou]

Thanks for the replies. Since I have ended it he keeps coming to my door , texting phoning telling me he loves me. But for a relationship he wants me to move houses quit my job to spend time with him and have long holidays away which I have told him isn’t possible to which he said I’m shooting him down. 
when we ended before (he hadn’t met my child more than twice by the way and only introduced as my friend from work) he offered to have him all weekend so I could go some where I wanted to go and drive me 5 hours there. To which I said no I did think this was excessive. 
he has always introduced me anyone as his friend. He does have a lot of female ‘friends’ 

at the start he was always talking about his crazy ex. 
I don’t know if he loves me or wants to have what he can’t have ? 
I have looked at narcissistic trates but that maybe isn’t it. I’m not sure 

[Alpacalia]

It sounds like he wants what he cannot have now that you've taken steps to actively sever your arrangement. 

2 minutes ago, Itsmeandyou said:

But for a relationship he wants me to move houses quit my job to spend time with him and have long holidays away which I have told him isn’t possible to which he said I’m shooting him down. 

Please don't fall for this.

Someone that you had a casual relationship with is asking you to uproot your entire life in order to be with him.

I know you have feelings for him put try to put things in perspective and realize how ridiculous this all sounds. 

 

[glows]

Sadly the only thing going on with him is nothing, crickets. He can't find another woman to put up with him so he's come back to you. Care for your child, yourself and take the high road (peace of mind). Date someone closer in compatibility to you and who treats you well.

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, Itsmeandyou said:

Obviously I work and have a child so it’s hard to find a lot of time. Any ideas on what is going on with him? Thankyou

How is your co-parenting relationship? Is there consistent court ordered child support and an organized custody and visitation schedule?

Do you have friends and family nearby who help you out? Does your child have extended family (on both sides) who they visit or can stay with?

He wants casual. It's that simple. 

On/off relationships are chaotic at best. Even more so if it's a nebulous situationship like FWB.

This is not about time management. Plenty of single parents date, have committed relationships etc.

There's nothing "wrong" with him. You're incompatible as far as goals and definitions of relationships.

Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Since he's on dating apps and having sex with others, get to a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health and ask for STD testing.

Ask for a referral to a therapist for ongoing support.  Perhaps it could help with adjusting to being a single working parent and dating.

[Blind-Sided]

It's easy.... you give him sex, and companionship... but he doesn't have to answer to you like in a "Real" relationship.   You stepped away... but he still wants sex, and hasn't found anyone else to fill the gap. 

I would love to say... go back to him, and tell him you want a real relationship.   But I'm guessing if I do... he will be OK for a while, but then just end it after he has had his fill.  So... unfortunately... My best advice is to just tell him "Good Bye." 

[JRabbit]

22 hours ago, Itsmeandyou said:

Any ideas on what is going on with him?

He told you multiple times he doesn't want a relationship. You are there for sex and comfort when he wants it, on his terms. His future talk and BS is just to ensure you don't go find someone else to be with.

Don't waste another minute on this man.

Look up avoidant relationship types...he fits the bill. He won't change, ever.

[Elenabubka]

23 hours ago, Itsmeandyou said:

Я был в отношениях с толстушкой пару лет. Это короткая длинная история. Он всегда говорил, что не хочет отношений, и я тоже с самого начала. Мы делали что-то вместе, мы уходили и ходили обедать. 

Со временем я начал испытывать к нему чувства, но он часто заканчивал со мной. Но потом он возвращался ко мне, и я возвращался. 

он сделал бы что-нибудь для меня, чтобы помочь мне в больших делах. даже без моей просьбы. Или купи мне цветы. И я вернулся. Иногда он упоминал о будущем или говорил, что мы можем встретиться с друзьями, тогда я строил планы, а затем он снова заканчивал это. 

 

однажды он был на сайтах знакомств, и я спросил его об этом и сказал, что если он ищет отношений, мы должны положить конец тому, что мы делаем. И он сказал, что я вторгался в его частную жизнь и не имею права. Но он ревновал к вещам. 

У меня есть ребенок, и у меня мало свободного времени. Шло время, я уделял все меньше и меньше свободного времени. И решил, что хватит, и я не вернулся. Теперь он попросил меня быть с ним, и если я хочу быть с ним, мне нужно сильно изменить свою жизнь и проводить больше времени вместе. 

Очевидно, я работаю, и у меня есть ребенок, поэтому мне трудно найти много времени. Есть идеи, что с ним происходит? Спасибо

He did not find the best option, it became boring ... He wants to return .. Think what is best for you! Think about yourself what you want

[ShyViolet]

This man has told you for a long time that he doesn't want a relationship.  By constantly ending things with you, repeatedly, and then coming back whenever he felt like it, he showed you loud and clear that you were never a priority.  You disrespected yourself by putting up with this for so long.  And honestly, you're kidding yourself if you think he's serious now about wanting to be with you.  

He expects you to move and quit your job to be with him?  Is that a joke?  No sane person would do that for this guy, considering your history with him.  The correct thing to do here is to stop talking to him.  End it for good.

It's a waste of your time to look too deeply into "WHY" he's doing this.  Who cares "why?"  It doesn't matter now.  It's not your job to psycho-analyze him.  Your priority should be moving on with your life.

[Itsmeandyou]

Thanks for the replies 

he is constantly messaging, calling and coming over telling me he’s sorry for all hurt and he wants to be together he loves me and wants to have a family. 
bit obviously with the moving ect. 
says he’s been to a phycic d she says we are souls mates I just don’t know what to think. I have taken on board what all you have said Thankyou. I don’t know if he has realised he loves me

or wants me because I told him no! 

[spiderowl]

Maybe he missed you and realised he wanted to be with you.  It is hard to know.  As others have said, it might just mean that other plans fell through and he wants you back as a back-up plan. 

I think you should be very wary of going back with him without any definite proper relationship.  If you go back to FWB, you will cement in his mind that that is all you are good for.  You will be accepting him back on poor terms again.  This guy really needs to learn your worth.

You should not have to accept anything 'on his terms'.  He is the one who wanted to see others and messed you about and now he wants to dictate how much time you should spend with him.  It would be reasonable for him to spend a fair amount of time with you, if you did not have children to attend to and a job, but you do.  He should compromise with you on what you both need from a proper relationship.

I would suggest you carry on with your own life, look after your children and your job, as you have been doing because you are a responsible, decent person, and let him know he needs to show you he is going to be there for you.  He should not expect you to drop everything to spend hours with him at his bidding.  That is just unreasonable and dictatorial.  I hope this guy isn't just trying to get you back in order to 'control you' when he has no intention of controlling himself.  This is something you need to watch out for, whatever you decide to do.  Definitely keep your home and job base until you know each other a lot better and he has shown YOU his worth. 

[Itsmeandyou]

Thankyou that reply has helped me a lot. I have realised what he is asking of me is all about what he wants from a relationship nothing about what I want from a relationship.he has had me questioning myself maybe it’s me not committing enough but you are right, it needs to be a compromise and there isn’t any of that from his side it’s his way or no way yet he is the one that has asked to be with me. Thanks for your help x

[lonelyplanetmoon]

The question is do you trust him to stay with you and be loyal and a good partner?

Past behavior dictates future.  People do not change that much.  I think he has a character flaw you should totally be wary of.

Imagine you make all your sacrifices to “be” with him and then he decides to throw you away like garbage?  Happens all the time.  Don’t let it happen to you.

 

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, Itsmeandyou said:

 he’s been to a phycic d she says we are souls mates

Don't buy into his nonsense. Set yourself free to find someone who makes you happy.

[ExpatInItaly]

Don’t waste your time anymore. 

He’s not that into you and sees you as a fall-back option. And he’s insanely entitled. The chances that this guy would stick around are way too low to uproot your whole life.