Am I the problem?

[FBee]

So I thought I'd start with a bit of background. I'm 26. Finished university a year and a bit ago. Went straight to work on a farm. I've been working and paying my own way since I moved to England in 2012. Hasn't been easy, but I'm mega chuffed when I think about how much I've achieved. Until about 10 months ago I had been single for three or four years, simply because I was happy with myself. I had always said to myself that I should never need someone but want them. 

Anyway, last Christmas I thought how amazing it would be to find someone to grow with (if you know what I mean). I wasn't lonely, so my search wasn't desperate. I was in a good place. 

I met this amazing guy. Farmer like me. He understood that my career had just started, he understands the hours we both have to work. Things were going great. I'm not much of a talker, but he is. He doesn't like people, I love helping others and making amazing friends. I'm easy going and always up for laugh, whilst he's serious about anything and everything. We balanced each other out. And these things aren't the issue. 

The problems started when my work load increased. I work near enough 365 days a year. It's what I do. It's what he does too. I always make time for him don't get me wrong. We have wonderful weekends together and when I'm working on a weekend I make sure I finish early and head round his for movie night, or for a meal out. 

 

Saturdays are Sundays are literally spectacular. We laugh and chat about absolute rubbish. We talk about the future. Sometimes, although I've had enough of looking at growing crops all week, we go for a drive round his farm and he picks my brain on his concerns of particular fields. We only live 15minutes away from each other, but he prefers me going to his house because he "gets bored round mine" this is mainly because I refuse to get a 75" TV so he can watch the soccer at mine on a bigger screen than the TV I've already got. 

Now, every Monday I get the same treatment. I get to work and the first message I get from him would be accusing me that I don't respect his feelings. This week has probably been the worst one, because I mentioned that was going out with a few friends this weekend coming (I have not seen these friends since I've been with him and I value my friends and family). He then proceeded to list out that "everyone is doing something fun, my brothers booked another holiday, my best mates missus is taking him to London, dad's going away again. And I've got nothing to make me happy"

Apparently I do nothing for him. And I'm with him for his wallet. That I don't care about him. I also get that I seem to be able to find money to spend to go out with my friends, but I don't have any for him. 

Funny thing. I am the most unmaterialistic girl you will ever meet. I never care about money. I don't care about what anyone else is doing or going. I have never asked a man for anything in my entire life. 

And he's also forgetting the time I hired a boat for us, took him out for meals. Took him to a concert and fireworks. He throws up every penny he's spent on me. 

He wants me to take him to London. I've never been to London! He knows this. I've said shouldn't we be sitting down together and working it out together. It's like he wants me to be this career driven woman yet still give him everything he wants. I try I really do. Because I love him to bits and pieces. It's just difficult when he's sitting at home (they have less land so they don't have the hours we have to work) while I'm on the phone to chemical companies, my manager, all the other departments on the estate. Spraying, planting the crops. Doing the admin. I don't even have time for me during the day, I don't even get a lunch break or let alone lunch most days. I'm so tired by the end of the day all I want to do is ring him and hear his voice and go to bed. 

Can I save this relationship? I can't give up my career. I've just started. I'm completely honest with him. He loves that I work so hard. He always says he could never do my job, because it would just stress him out. He's a 37 year old man. I thought he'd be less about himself and more about us. 

I can't keep up anymore. I can't talk to him in person because no matter what he's not letting me speak. 

I've even tried ending it and he won't even let me do that. 

What in the world does he want from me!? 

[stillafool]

You sound marvelous and I love your career.   

Okay I know you love him but the way he is treating you is not fair.  You have every right to see your friends.  He sounds controlling and not very supportive of you.  Being raised on a farm myself I know the hours of time and work that go into farming and if you end up with him I don't see him being much help but a hindrance to your career.  Perhaps he thinks you will financially support him one day.  How dare he expect you to take him to London when you haven't even been there yourself.  He should be taking you.

[Ami1uwant]

You and he need to talk on what youare putting into this and what he is putting in.

[Wiseman2]

47 minutes ago, FBee said:

I've even tried ending it and he won't even let me do that. 

Unfortunately, it's not worth saving if he's using guilt tripping and manipulation to beat you down, pay for everything, babysit him, isolate you from friends and make you responsible for his happiness.

 Sadly you're seeing his true colors now. Stop defending yourself against his inane accusations. They are intended to make you feel rotten, because he enjoys making you feel rotten.

 End it. You don't need his "permission". Read up on controlling and abusive relationships.

How the goal is to insidiously wear you down like this through guilt, accusations, whining, complaining, etc. and generally gaslighting you into thinking you have to jump through one hoop after the next like a circle animal in order to "make him happy".

Edited November 16, 2021 by Wiseman2

[clia]

I'm honestly having trouble following the post.  You say you spend a spectacular Saturday and Sunday together and then Monday morning he's arguing with you?  What exactly is leading up to that?  I feel like we are missing part of the story.

Is he asking to spend more time with you, but you can't because of workload and/or cost?

Is he wanting to take trips together, but you can't because of workload and/or cost?

Is he paying when you go places?

How often are you seeing him?

It sounds like maybe there are just some basic lifestyle incompatibilities, if you aren't able to devote the time to the relationship that he wants.

Edited November 16, 2021 by clia

[ShyViolet]

2 hours ago, FBee said:

I can't keep up anymore. I can't talk to him in person because no matter what he's not letting me speak. 

I've even tried ending it and he won't even let me do that. 

What in the world does he want from me!? 

Umm excuse me?  He doesn't let you speak?  And you tried ending it and he won't "let" you end it?

This is positively crazy.  What kind of 37-year-old man complains and gets upset that his 26-year-old girlfriend doesn't take him on trips??  You're supposed to take HIM on trips?  He sounds so negative and whiny.  Who would want to be with a person like that?

When a man won't "let" you end it, that means you absolutely NEED to end it.  This situation has red flags all over it.

[FBee]

1 hour ago, clia said:

I'm honestly having trouble following the post.  You say you spend a spectacular Saturday and Sunday together and then Monday morning he's arguing with you?  What exactly is leading up to that?  I feel like we are missing part of the story.

Is he asking to spend more time with you, but you can't because of workload and/or cost?

Is he wanting to take trips together, but you can't because of workload and/or cost?

Is he paying when you go places?

How often are you seeing him?

It sounds like maybe there are just some basic lifestyle incompatibilities, if you aren't able to devote the time to the relationship that he wants.

Hi Clia, we do have spectacular weekends. All love and fun. We always compliment each other, talk no end. But instead of talking to me while I'm with him, he'll start my week day with a book on everything I don't do for him 

He's not asked to spend more time with me, although even after a 14hour work day I'll always ask to pop round. He's often busy, or too tired, that's just the industry we're in, so I respect that. 

We always research trips, I give the dates I can get off work. He knows I need to give at least two months notice to book time off work. As he has to do the same. I have tried to settle dates with him before: so we have weeks off work together. I'm very family oriented and asked him if it was possible that I saw my father on his birthday, but no, he ended up booking us a trip for on that day and then said sorry afterwards. 

When we go out, I always offer to pay I often say, "let's go out, my treat" but then when we get there he won't let me pick up the check. In fact in turns into a bit of a scene. And I always thank him when he does.

I see him as often as he likes pretty much. Probably at the moment with the season I see him three or four times a week and then we talk all day everyday; text, phone, facetime

I don't have an issue with money and he knows this, because I tell him. He even calls me the breadwinner in the relationship. I provide him with every detail of my life and I ask he does the same. But if he's not center of it all it goes down like a lead balloon. 

He's an amazing guy, don't get me wrong. I just don't think I'm enough for him

 

 

 

[Acacia98]

40 minutes ago, FBee said:

He's an amazing guy, don't get me wrong. I just don't think I'm enough for him

In my experience, the best way to deal with this kind of thing (i.e. the guy demanding more than you can give) is to agree with everything he says. In other words, if he says you don't spend enough time with him, you don't care about him, blah, blah, blah, tell him he's right. Tell him he deserves better. And then explain to him that you're breaking up with him so that he has a better chance of meeting the right woman for him.

[clia]

19 hours ago, FBee said:

He's an amazing guy, don't get me wrong. I just don't think I'm enough for him

But what does he want from you?  That's what I'm not understanding.  

[dramafreezone]

This guy is a whiney boy.

But I have a big picture question; how long are you planning to work 365 days a year?

That type of work schedule is going to negatively impact any relationship, that's just the reality.  How often do you hear someone say "I work 70 hours a week and have an amazing relationship?"

Edited November 17, 2021 by dramafreezone

[JRabbit]

4 hours ago, clia said:

But what does he want from you?  That's what I'm not understanding.  

Sounds like he wants a woman who works hard but goes home at night, alone, except for when he wants company or sex, then he's there. Oh, she also has to give him money, or at least offer it.

OP financial abuse is a real thing, and when someone constantly pays and then holds it over you, its a very, very bad sign of whats to come.

[FBee]

5 hours ago, clia said:

But what does he want from you?  That's what I'm not understanding.  

He wants me to treat him. He often tells me that "you women don't understand what us men go through you always want more and give less" I try to explain that I don't want things, I want him, but he doesn't understand. He wants me to reassure him in every conversation that I'm happy and that I love him and that he's attractive. I'm not verbal tho, me showing love and happiness is laughing and smiling and hugging and showing him off to friends and family by inviting him to every gathering

[FBee]

4 hours ago, dramafreezone said:

This guy is a whiney boy.

But I have a big picture question; how long are you planning to work 365 days a year?

That type of work schedule is going to negatively impact any relationship, that's just the reality.  How often do you hear someone say "I work 70 hours a week and have an amazing relationship?"

Him and I discussed this many times before we committed, he has the same work year as me which is why I thought we'd give it a shot. We have so much passion for our work it showed promise. We both agreed that when the time came that we moved in together and wanted to start a family I would move to agronomy as my degree has brought me closer to that career. We both agreed to be patient with each other and support each other. During harvest time the plan was I went to see him (meet him at work, sit on the tractor with him for a few hours then head to his) and when my hours picked up he'd do the same. Then come winter we'd have three or four months of early finish days and long weekends together. We've worked it all out and agreed we're strong enough for it. 

For my career I plan to work less and less hours, but at the moment, after taking the new role of assistant manager it's a bit tough until I can gain some control of my new path 

[Elenabubka]

On 16.11.2021 at 18:16, FBee said:

Так что я подумал, что начну с небольшой предыстории. Мне 26. Закончил университет год и немного назад. Сразу пошел работать на ферму. С тех пор, как я переехал в Англию в 2012 году, я работаю и оплачиваю самостоятельно. Это было нелегко, но я очень доволен, когда думаю о том, чего я достиг. Примерно 10 месяцев назад я был холостым три или четыре года просто потому, что был доволен собой. Я всегда говорил себе, что я никогда не должен нуждаться в ком-то, но хочу его. 

Во всяком случае, на прошлое Рождество я подумал, как здорово было бы найти кого-то, с кем можно расти (если вы понимаете, о чем я). Я не был одинок, поэтому мои поиски не были безнадежными. Я был в хорошем месте. 

Я встретил этого удивительного парня. Фермер вроде меня. Он понимал, что моя карьера только началась, он понимает, сколько часов мы оба должны работать. Дела шли отлично. Я не очень болтуна, но он есть. Он не любит людей, я люблю помогать другим и заводить замечательных друзей. Я спокойный и всегда готов посмеяться, в то время как он серьезно относится ко всему и ко всему. Мы уравновешивали друг друга. И проблема не в этом. 

Проблемы начались, когда моя рабочая нагрузка увеличилась. Я работаю достаточно 365 дней в году. Это то, что я делаю. Он тоже так делает. Я всегда нахожу для него время, не поймите меня неправильно. У нас прекрасные выходные вместе, и когда я работаю на выходных, я обязательно заканчиваю раньше и отправляюсь к нему на вечер кино или на ужин. 

 

Суббота - воскресенье - это буквально захватывающее зрелище. Мы смеемся и болтаем о чепухе. Мы говорим о будущем. Иногда, хотя мне надоело всю неделю наблюдать за выращиванием урожая, мы катаемся по его ферме, и он ловит мой мозг на своих заботах о конкретных полях. Мы живем всего в 15 минутах ходьбы друг от друга, но он предпочитает, чтобы я шла к нему домой, потому что ему «скучно вокруг меня». Это в основном потому, что я отказываюсь покупать 75-дюймовый телевизор, чтобы он мог смотреть футбол на моем экране на большем экране, чем телевизор у меня уже есть. 

Теперь каждый понедельник я получаю одно и то же лечение. Я приступаю к работе, и первое сообщение, которое я получу от него, будет обвинять меня в том, что я не уважаю его чувства. Эта неделя, вероятно, была худшей, потому что я упомянул, что собирался гулять с несколькими друзьями в эти выходные (я не видел этих друзей с тех пор, как был с ним, и я ценю своих друзей и семью). Затем он перечислил, что «все занимаются чем-то веселым, мои братья забронировали еще один отпуск, моя лучшая подруга-хозяйка везет его в Лондон, папа снова уезжает. И у меня нет ничего, что могло бы сделать меня счастливым».

Видимо я для него ничего не делаю. И я с ним за его кошелек. Что я не забочусь о нем. Я также понимаю, что, кажется, могу найти деньги, чтобы потратить их на встречи с друзьями, но у меня нет денег для него. 

Забавная вещь. Я самая нематериалистичная девушка, которую вы когда-либо встречали. Я никогда не забочусь о деньгах. Меня не волнует, что делают или собираются другие. Я ни разу за всю свою жизнь ни о чем не просил мужчин. 

И еще он забывает, как я нанял для нас лодку, водил его пообедать. Взял его на концерт и фейерверк. Он подбрасывает каждую копейку, которую потратил на меня. 

Он хочет, чтобы я отвез его в Лондон. Я никогда не был в Лондоне! Он это знает. Я сказал, не следует ли нам сидеть вместе и вместе работать над этим. Как будто он хочет, чтобы я была этой женщиной, стремящейся к карьере, но при этом дала ему все, что он хочет. Я действительно стараюсь. Потому что я люблю его до мелочей. Просто трудно, когда он сидит дома (у них меньше земли, поэтому у них нет времени на работу), а я говорю по телефону с химическими компаниями, своим менеджером, со всеми другими отделами поместья. Опрыскивание, посадка сельскохозяйственных культур. Занимаюсь админкой. У меня даже нет времени на себя в течение дня, у меня даже нет обеденного перерыва, не говоря уже о том, чтобы обедать в большинстве дней. Я так устал к концу дня, все, что я хочу сделать, это позвонить ему, услышать его голос и лечь спать. 

Могу ли я спасти эти отношения? Я не могу отказаться от карьеры. Я только начал. Я с ним полностью честен. Ему нравится, что я так много работаю. Он всегда говорит, что никогда не сможет выполнять мою работу, потому что это будет его нервировать. Ему 37 лет. Я думал, что он будет меньше о себе и больше о нас. 

Я больше не могу успевать. Я не могу поговорить с ним лично, потому что он не позволяет мне говорить, несмотря ни на что. 

Я даже пытался положить этому конец, но он даже не позволяет мне этого сделать. 

Чего он от меня хочет !? 

He is comfortable with you, he manipulates you for his pleasure. It's a toxic relationship.