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Should I Have Rough Sex With My Girlfriend If She Asks For It

EyeOfTheTiger999

By EyeOfTheTiger999
in General Relationship Discussion

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EyeOfTheTiger999 Member

EyeOfTheTiger999

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I think that she may've been molested as a child. She was definately date raped once.

 

 

Will she eventually hate me if go along with what she wants? The only time she seems to get real excitement in sex is when its rough.

 

 

I feel guilty. Is this wrong?

LucreziaBorgia Established Member

LucreziaBorgia

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Have you talked to her about how you are feeling about this?

laRubiaBonita Established Member

laRubiaBonita

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what constitues as rough sex?

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EyeOfTheTiger999 Member

EyeOfTheTiger999

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i have not talked to her about feeling bad. this seems to be the only way she really gets off, so i wonder if bringing it up would make me ineligable for her to share this side of herself if its safe

 

rough as in when recieving oral she likes me to be dominant and dirty and controlling of the way i recieve it.

 

this thread got deleted last time i posted it, so im trying to not be graphic.

laRubiaBonita Established Member

laRubiaBonita

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i only asked, so i knew you both had similar ideas of what rough sex is.

 

i would definately discuss your hesitation, maybe just to say you worry.

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EyeOfTheTiger999 Member

EyeOfTheTiger999

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yes. shes very explicit about what she wants/likes sometimes. if she doesnt ask for it that way i dont. i am asking if this is some sort of mental healing thing that she might be doing where ultimately she'll work through her traumas and then want to get rid of me.

Tangerina Established Member

Tangerina

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Eye of the Tiger, check out this link to this week's Savage Love column... if you have never read it before Dan Savage basically gives sex advice to people who write in but he covers any question that someone is willing to ask, nothing is off limits. Anyways, someone wrote in with the exact same question that you have this week and he consulted with a friend who is a sex educator to give a pretty good answer.... I hope that helps!

 

Also, as a kinky female who likes to be roughed up I can say that just from my experience just because my boyfriend and I both greatly enjoy playing those games in bed I would never actually want to be sexually assulted and he would never actually hurt a woman... but in both of our minds the in-the-bedroom and out-of-the-bedroom situations are so removed from each other that we both understand that enjoying these things behind closed doors does not mean that either of us would ever wish for them in other situations....

I am very lucky in that I have never experienced real abuse or rape and so my situation is different from your GF's, but I imagine that same as me the real life and the fantasy situations are very far removed in her mind and what she likes in bed has nothing to do with what she would want for herself outside of a fantasy situation.... so I say take the advice in the advice column and talk to her about it.....

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EyeOfTheTiger999 Member

EyeOfTheTiger999

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thanks for that info! i always like to check out dan savage's column whenever possible

 

 

Do you think that her inclination towards rough sex has anything to do with resolving past traumas?

Tangerina Established Member

Tangerina

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Oops, I never actually put the link on, sounds like you found it tho....

 

I would say that the only person who can tell you that is her... as that column pointed out, enjoying rough or violent fantasies does not necesarily have anything to do with past experience, but in some cases it also could... and she is the only person who can tell you... I deffinitely don't think she will grow to resent you for going along with her fanatsies, but it sounds as if you really just need to lay out your concerns and talk to her about them... that is the only way that you will ultimately be able to be comfortable with the situation and for her to get what she wants in bed....

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EyeOfTheTiger999 Member

EyeOfTheTiger999

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thanks for the persepective, people.

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EyeOfTheTiger999 Member

EyeOfTheTiger999

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thanks for the persepective, people.

 

Tangerina: I spent hours reading all of Dan Savage's acrchives... thanks!:o:p

Tangerina Established Member

Tangerina

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HAHA, I do that too, along with things like Loveshack, it is one of my main homework procrastination tools:)

RecordProducer Established Member

RecordProducer

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I think you shouldn't spoil her fun by relating it to some bad experiences that possibly happened in the past. Even if it's because of that, what would you achieve by knowing WHY she gets excited by rough sex?

 

It would be like telling a man "You like sucking my nipples because you sucked your mom's nipples for a whole year as a baby and I think you're a momma's boy!" What a turn-on for a man, right? :sick:

 

You may discretely ask her in some context (if you've been together long enough) if she had any unpleasant experiences in the past. But if she doesn't want to talk about it, don't ask any further questions.

 

My ex-BF insisted that I had to tell him about what happened to me and later required to know all the details. I resented him for that. I wasn't ready to tell him and I didn't plan to EVER reveal details. His explanation was that he simply thought he needed to know. I thought it was pretty cold-blooded and selfish, definitely a lack of sympathy and compassion. I was typing the main details while shaking (and didn't tell him everything anyway).

 

It's good be open and encourage openness by letting your partner know that they can confide in you about everything, that they will find you full of understanding and comforting. But that's all. The best you can offer a wounded soul is love and fun. There is no need to dig the same dirt over and over again; just make her happy. :)

Tangerina Established Member

Tangerina

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That is a really good response, right on.... I still think that if it really bothers him and is getting in the way of them having a comfortable and fulfilling sex life then he should talk to her about it some, but you are absolutely right that he shouldn't make her reveal more than she is comfortable with and that it really isn't all that important that he know why it excites her... he basically should probably get the minimum info that he needs to be comfortable about the situation so he can freely give her what she wants without feeling bad about himself.

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EyeOfTheTiger999 Member

EyeOfTheTiger999

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she's already told me about what's happened in the past. my question had nothing to do with finding out what the deal is, but rather wanting to know if I she would get to hate me for engaging in behaviour similar to those who abused

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