Mrin Posted November 17, 2021 Posted November 17, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, Killian898 said: But I agree that if there are further such incidents it’s probably best for me to have a chat with her about it, rather than saying nothing and stewing afterwards. In the past (when I was a bit more young and unforgiving!) I might have pulled the pin and nexted the whole thing on this. I’ve actually done it for a lot less in the past! Two thoughts: 1. This is definitely the right way to move forward because it does sound like such things bother you and keep bothering you for some time. The best way for you to "get over" something is probably to talk it out with her 2. Hard to imagine what "a lot less" would be when you nexted women in the past. Wrong fork at dinner or something? Best of luck! Mrin Edited November 17, 2021 by Mrin 1
Pumpernickel Posted November 17, 2021 Posted November 17, 2021 I don’t know who said it, but I agree that it’s not all about you. She just made conversation with you during breakfast, and told you, spontaneously, a little anecdote of her current life. It probably just came to her mind. Big deal. The “bald” thing is even more of a nothingburger. I understand that she doesn’t know (yet) that you feel offended/insecure/irritated (?) about these incidents, correct? Keep it that way! (Granted, I’m probably slightly biased, I admit it; I dated a little bit of a princess for a while who was a BIG pouter; he was often offended, and you never knew when his feelings would get hurt and why, and it happened a lot) Try humor! She’ll like that!! 1
Alpacalia Posted November 17, 2021 Posted November 17, 2021 7 minutes ago, Pumpernickel said: Try humor! She’ll like that!! Yes, tell her maybe someday if she's lucky, you'll let her rub your sexy head. 2 1
introverted1 Posted November 17, 2021 Posted November 17, 2021 I'm going with red flags. At best, she is clueless about the impact of her words/stories. At worst (for the 2nd example), she is too immature to have a discussion about becoming exclusive and is trying to goad you into it with stories about some other guy. 2
FMW Posted November 17, 2021 Posted November 17, 2021 I think it's normal that those two things made your alarm bells go off. The bald comment was insensitive, but maybe she's just kind of thoughtless and didn't connect the comment to you whatsoever. She's with you, having sex with you, I think it's safe to assume she finds you attractive As for talking about the other guy hitting on her, I would think that she's seeing what your reaction is, seeing if you show any jealousy. That usually happens if a woman is not sure what a guy is feeling about her, or she's the type to like to make sure others are aware of her "popularity". The first is pretty easy to fix, the second not so much. If you are still interested in her, keep seeing her. Just don't sweep any similar comments under the rug in the future, ask her to explain them when/if they happen. You can always re-evaluate staying with her if that happens. 3
Acacia98 Posted November 17, 2021 Posted November 17, 2021 (edited) OP, I'm a woman. I have dated a couple of guys who make "innocuous comments" like this habitually. I have relatives who make "innocent comments" like this regularly. The outcome in every single case: the longer the person being spoken to stays, the more the words gnaw at their self-esteem. Words do have an impact. Especially if they are part of a pattern. If you want, you could hang around to see how much of a pattern this behavior on her part is. Alternatively, you could just embrace the "too sensitive" label that will inevitably be tossed your way. Acknowledge that someone like you would be better off with a woman who was more sensitive regarding other people's feelings (and more specifically, your feelings). Edited November 17, 2021 by Acacia98 3
spiderowl Posted November 19, 2021 Posted November 19, 2021 I don't think you are being too sensitive. I think she is being insensitive. It may just be the odd moment when she doesn't realise the impact of her words. I am sure we have all made the mistake of inadvertently offending someone at some point. I suppose the question is, is this a persistent trait with her or a moment's thoughtlessness? If you are feeling uncomfortable with what she is saying about another guy, then it is best to say something. If you throw it off as a joke, she might not realise it bothered you. Some guys might laugh or not really be interested; others would see it as a threat. Regarding the bald comment, that was pretty stupid of her. Maybe give her a bit more time and see how she behaves. If she is by nature thoughtless and insensitive, then this will come through before too long. Regardless of the above, if you do not feel comfortable with her and feel hurt by her, then is she really the person you want to date? 1
SumGuy Posted November 22, 2021 Posted November 22, 2021 On 11/15/2021 at 1:04 PM, Killian898 said: .... Am I overreacting or being too sensitive? What’s your reading and what would be her motivation to say these things? She could just be tone deaf, feels very comfortable around you so has no filter, or negging you (which may arise if she fells a bit out of your league). Who knows, I'd roll with her actions more than her words and see where it goes.
salparadise Posted November 23, 2021 Posted November 23, 2021 Yup, tone deaf and/or no filter. This tends to be cumulative as far as the irritation factor goes. I’ve also known people who sort of poke and prod in a seemingly innocuous way that’s actually deliberate. If it continues I’d be thinking twice. 1
bene Posted November 23, 2021 Posted November 23, 2021 Now I had to google what Jude Law looks like these days. The comment about baldness was stupid but I’d observe if there is a pattern or was is a one-off. If there is a pattern to subtly put people down then it’s a red flag. In her “defense” I would add that being completely bald and being somewhere inbetween is a quite different look and maybe she didn’t even think that her comment includes you. Think of Vin Diesel vs Jude Law, in Vin Diesel’s case baldness is his look. The comment about the guy hitting on het could be to gauge your reaction, especially as she made a point that she isn’t interested. It’s maybe immature but as an isolated incident not a serious red flag in my opinion.
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