Killian898 Posted November 15, 2021 Posted November 15, 2021 (edited) Been dating a lady for a couple of months. We’re both early 40s. We’ve been having sex and it’s great and we get along really well also and have a lot in common. We’re not yet exclusive or had “the talk” about doing that, but I’m pretty sure it’s nearly there and that neither or us are seeing anyone else atm. Potential Red Flag 1: on our last date I was over at hers and she had cooked for me. We were having a great evening and after we were having a couple of glasses of wine and watching a movie together relaxing sitting on the couch together when out of nowhere she makes the comment during the movie that she “used to fancy Jude Law, until he started going bald”. (He was in the movie.). Now I should say that this initially shocked me quite a bit. Why? Because I’m COMPLETELY bald!! Now, I’m quite good at hiding my feelings and so I didn’t let it show that her comment hurt me and instead I just made some jokey throwaway comment such as “oh, thanks very much!”. And I just left it at that and then quickly changed the topic and talked about something else in the movie. I didn’t let it spoil anything and I spent the night as planned etc. However although I don’t particularly mind being bald or have any big personal hang ups about it, I do think that this comment was quite insensitive by her and also I’m now starting to think that perhaps she doesn’t quite fancy me after all, or not half as much as I thought; and that this is perhaps just a fling for her until something better (with hair!) comes along? Potential Red Flag 2: following on from the above. We had another great night together and the sparks flew (again!). The next morning we’re having breakfast together and having general chit chat when she goes off randomly on some story about some guy at her kids’ school who asked her out on a date a few months ago and that she turned him down. However he keeps hitting on her every time she drops her kids off and asking her if she’s changed her mind etc., but still she’s not interested. I was listening to this feeling somewhat bemused and so again I just laughed it off and said something jokey like, ‘oh, well maybe you should take him up on the offer next time, you might have fun together. Don’t know if you don’t try right?!” And we both laughed at that and then carried on with the rest of the conversation. My view at the time was that this was perhaps either a test of some sort, or alternatively a deliberate attempt to make me jealous in some way? If so why? FYI, I hadn’t talked about any other women or past relationships etc. This was all a few days ago and since then my wheels have been turning on these 2 things. I’m now starting to wonder whether I actually want to continue seeing her at all. It’s starting to bug me that she maybe isn’t really that physically attracted to me after all and that over time this will affect my confidence with her. Also I’m worried that she may be the type of person who plays games in trying to make me jealous of other men just to keep me unbalanced in some way. Am I overreacting or being too sensitive? What’s your reading and what would be her motivation to say these things? Edited November 16, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator language
ExpatInItaly Posted November 15, 2021 Posted November 15, 2021 I think her comment about Jude Law balding was a foot-in-mouth moment and I wouldn't hold it against her. She's seeing you and having sex with you, so she is obviously attracted to you. As for her comments about this other guy asking her out - I'm interpreting this as her roundabout way of nudging you into making things official with her, and "claiming" her, so to speak. 4
glows Posted November 15, 2021 Posted November 15, 2021 I don't think you are overreacting. I would never make a comment like that about another man knowing that there is a shared characteristic in the person I'm dating. That's just tasteless and rude, not to mention superficial. My ex shaved his head. Nothing wrong with bald men and it can be a turn on. The other comment about the man at her school.. also tasteless. If she wanted to date you exclusively she would bring it up in a mature conversation, not make insinuations like this or wonder outloud randomly or cause you these guessing games. 2
Wiseman2 Posted November 15, 2021 Posted November 15, 2021 (edited) She seems a bit insecure. Midlife crisis maybe, living in the past when this celebrity was younger? The remark about guys chasing her is along those lines as well. Don't take it personally. You're dating 60 days, she's having sex with you, inviting you over etc. Sounds like her baggage/issues not an attempt to ridicule you. Edited November 16, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator removed quote with language in
stillafool Posted November 15, 2021 Posted November 15, 2021 You have every reason to feel the way you do about her now. What is the purpose of telling you someone she isn't interested in is hitting on her.? Who cares and is she fishing for compliments. Also the bald comment was rude too knowing you are bald. If you stick around her you can expect more of these comments because she has no filter. 2
Gaeta Posted November 15, 2021 Posted November 15, 2021 I have a different take on this. Going bald isn't attractive BEING bald is. There is a huge difference between a man going bald and another shaving is head. Not the same. I love a shaven head, l don't find attractive a man 3/4 or half bald. I think you missed her point. It had nothing to do with you. As for the man trying to ask her out, was it a funny story? I would not tell a boyfriend that a hot dude at school asked me out but if the man at school is unattractive and his efforts to pursue me are making me uncomfortable that's material for a funny story! Not everything she says is about you. 2
Ami1uwant Posted November 15, 2021 Posted November 15, 2021 These are not red flags….they are just mentioning things in passing. her comment on Law might have been something on him losing his hair and how he handles it. For some hair can be an attractive piece so if a woman dramatically changes a hair style she might not look as attractive to me. With other women they might still be attractive even with a new hair style. theother comments he was referring to a guy she knows who hits on her. you are taking it personally for some reason. I on the other hand would have asked questions to find out the why in this to understand more about her. 1
ShyViolet Posted November 15, 2021 Posted November 15, 2021 Those are not "red flags." I think you are very much overreacting. I can't believe you are considering ending the relationship simply because of these two things that she said. She wouldn't be dating you and having sex with you if she didn't find you attractive. You sound either extremely insecure, or way too sensitive. 3
lonelyplanetmoon Posted November 16, 2021 Posted November 16, 2021 My reaction to your post is this: Why would you not be honest about your feelings? Closeness and intimacy requires you to be honest about your feeling. If you feel xyz then tell her so. Her reaction would give you more clarity about the health of the relationship than gritting your teeth and lying pretending to be “jokey“. ‘You are equally to blame for things souring in my book. 1
Author Killian898 Posted November 16, 2021 Author Posted November 16, 2021 (edited) Gosh, well we really have both ends of the spectrum and all inbetween on this! It’s interesting to see the divergence of opinion on here and thank you for your contributions. In my opinion, the comments at the very least indicate a lack of self-awareness and emotional intelligence by her in appreciating how they may have been interpreted by me. For my part, I would never dream of making what could potentially be interpreted as pejorative comments about the physical appearance of someone I was with. And I would also never dream of launching off into a 10 min conversation detailing the ins and outs about some other girl who constantly keeps trying to get into my pants. The reason for this is I have enough awareness and sensitivity to understand that such comments have real potential to be interpreted negatively by that other person; and I would not want to do this if I really liked this person and wanted them to like me. My general view is that for the first 2 or 3 months or so people are generally on their best behaviour in a relationship. And then the true person starts to come out. If this is a taste of things to come, then I’m not sure I’d want to be around someone who at the very best has no filter and doesn’t realise what’s she’s saying, and at the very worst does these things either deliberately or subconsciously in order to try and chip away at their partner’s confidence and self-esteem to maintain some sort of power in the relationship. There have been a couple of comments about “well she wouldn’t be seeing you and sleeping with you if she didn’t find you attractive”. And this is true to a certain extent. I don’t look bad and think that I bring a lot to the table in other respects also, but I also know that I’ve been in physical relationships in the past (and I’m sure perhaps some of you on here have as well) where you fancied the person a bit but not entirely, but you continued with it for a while because it was e.g. convenient or comfortable. In my experience unless the “phowar factor” is there, once the novelty of a new lover wears off, those relationships generally do not last long. Perhaps if we were 6 months into the relationship and exclusive and more serious etc. I may have said something directly to her about these things rather than joke about it. But in the early stages of a relationship, I think to call these things out and make a big issue of them there and then and spoil the evening etc. would be an overreaction. I also have enough self-control not to react and call people out regarding every little thing and make a big deal of it. And at 43 I also know myself enough to appreciate that my feelings and interpretation of something are not the be all and end all, and that there can be a range of explanations and intentions surrounding events such as these. Finally, Greta and Shyviolet, I’m really glad I’m not dating you guys. I suspect that any partners you may have would need to have very thick skin indeed to sit there and just take these things, without batting an eyelid. And also to then be told when they put their hands up to protest that they are just being too sensitive, are insecure and that it’s not all about them. Well, I think they have a name for those types of relationships...... Edited November 16, 2021 by Killian898 2 1
elaine567 Posted November 16, 2021 Posted November 16, 2021 I think there is a general perception that men can take it whatever is said. Men can be incredibly cruel to each other in banter and are expected to not care. Women tend to follow that lead and do not see men as people who worry a lot about their looks. A woman may not baulk at pointing out or laugh at a "beer belly" on a man, but would never in a million years point out or laugh at weight gain on a woman... I think the Jude Law comment was an unthinking one. She was likely genuinely shocked he has lost a lot of hair and just did not connect the dots with you. Celebrities tend to have a look, and changing that look can impact their fan base. She was likely telling the truth, she no longer fancies him without hair. BUT you have never had hair, so if she had something against bald men, she would never have dated you in the first place. However I do get it. People need to be very careful with what they say directly or indirectly about looks as this stuff can hurt. Women hurt and so do men. Self esteem is easily quashed and not easy to build back up. As for discussing another man in detail with you and not as part of a funny story, I think that is a more serious misdemeanour... not sure what she was really trying to say there... Or is she just one of these "clueless" kind of people who go about saying the first thing that comes to mind. 1
Wiseman2 Posted November 16, 2021 Posted November 16, 2021 Exactly. This is the observation period. Maybe she's clueless, maybe she's insecure, who knows? Whatever the case had you said... soandso celebrity was hot before she turned 40, got fat, whatever... ...and gave her a rundown of all the women chasing you, anyone would run. So, observe if she's just too crass for your tastes. 1
Blind-Sided Posted November 16, 2021 Posted November 16, 2021 As a guy with no hair.... I would have simply said.... "So you don't like bald guys?". At that point... she would have to explain. BUT... I'm guessing since it was a movie star.... it was purely on looks, and that actor changed. As far as the second flag.... I'm not sure how I would have played it off, because... unfortunately... you don't know if it was a test, of her just making small talk, and she is comfortable around you. But I think I would have turned it around, and said, "Why haven't you told him that you are seeing someone?" If you like her... you are not a kid... just lock it in, and tell her that you want to be exclusive. 1
smackie9 Posted November 16, 2021 Posted November 16, 2021 She's a bit thick headed about mentioning the guy hitting on her. I know for a fact most people don't like hearing that crap. I could see it on my husband's face when (in passing) I mentioned being hit on in the store. I never mentioned anything like that again. With sometime to think about it, it doesn't need to be mentioned. We don't know what her intention was but they are not red flags. It sounds to me it's just conversation. Maybe later she realized she had foot in mouth disease. Anyways the only way to deal with such comments is to be in the moment and talk about it. You could have joked and said :What I'm chopped liver now?" and "So you want me to take care of this guy?" (nudge, wink, smile). 2
dramafreezone Posted November 16, 2021 Posted November 16, 2021 Any one that is single in their 40s (present company included) has some red flags. You can't be too sensitive about some comments, you're not marrying her right now. Just enjoy dating. 1
Author Killian898 Posted November 16, 2021 Author Posted November 16, 2021 (edited) 6 hours ago, smackie9 said: She's a bit thick headed about mentioning the guy hitting on her. I know for a fact most people don't like hearing that crap. I could see it on my husband's face when (in passing) I mentioned being hit on in the store. I never mentioned anything like that again. With sometime to think about it, it doesn't need to be mentioned. We don't know what her intention was but they are not red flags. It sounds to me it's just conversation. Maybe later she realized she had foot in mouth disease. Anyways the only way to deal with such comments is to be in the moment and talk about it. You could have joked and said :What I'm chopped liver now?" and "So you want me to take care of this guy?" (nudge, wink, smile). It very well may have been just a foot in mouth comment by her and something she blurted out without thinking, but the point is that this obviously has revealed her true feeling on this issue. In vino veritas and all that. I should point out also that on a previous date she did start asking me questions about what age I first started going bald, and what it would look like if I didn’t shave my head etc. which I answered truthfully at the time and didn’t think anything more about it since. However this more recent comment by her about Jude Law etc. now has me viewing those earlier questions from her now in a different light! It’s clearly something which is on her mind. Just to clarify, the discussion about the guy hitting on her wasn’t just some throwaway comment. It was the best part of a 10 minute conversation from her detailing the ins and outs of it, and also how she had also noticed that he had split up from his wife and got himself a new girlfriend at one point also etc. The whole time I’m sitting there thinking why on earth are you telling me this?! Edited November 16, 2021 by Killian898 2
Alpacalia Posted November 16, 2021 Posted November 16, 2021 She seems a bit obsessed with talking about your hair or lack thereof. There was a thread on here once about a woman that was dating a man that did something similar (talking about other women on their dates) and the advice was pretty much the same that it's a bit tactless with someone you're dating. 1
glows Posted November 16, 2021 Posted November 16, 2021 30 minutes ago, Killian898 said: It very well may have been just a foot in mouth comment by her and something she blurted out without thinking, but the point is that this obviously has revealed her true feeling on this issue. In vino veritas and all that. I should point out also that on a previous date she did start asking me questions about what age I first started going bald, and what it would look like if I didn’t shave my head etc. which I answered truthfully at the time and didn’t think anything more about it since. However this more recent comment by her about Jude Law etc. now has me viewing those earlier questions from her now in a different light! It’s clearly something which is on her mind. Just to clarify, the discussion about the guy hitting on her wasn’t just some throwaway comment. It was the best part of a 10 minute conversation from her detailing the ins and outs of it, and also how she had also noticed that he had split up from his wife and got himself a new girlfriend at one point also etc. The whole time I’m sitting there thinking why on earth are you telling me this?! Half of this has to do with you putting up with it. If she's not for you, go your separate ways. No need to stay upset. 2
Author Killian898 Posted November 16, 2021 Author Posted November 16, 2021 (edited) 49 minutes ago, glows said: Half of this has to do with you putting up with it. If she's not for you, go your separate ways. No need to stay upset. Yes, I know that Glows. But it’s all happened very recently you see and that’s why I’m still weighing it up; and also it is good otherwise and these couple of things have really come out of nowhere /were unprovoked and so have thrown me for a loop. Edited November 16, 2021 by Killian898
Mrin Posted November 17, 2021 Posted November 17, 2021 Dude with a shaved head here. Okay my take: The Jude Law Comment: You're being way too sensitive dude. See what @Gaeta said about going bald vs. being bald. Here's the thing - you're having sex. Women don't keep having sex with a guy they're seeing non-exclusively unless they're attracted to them. It is as simple as that. Next time she has a foot in mouth incident like that handle it a bit more adroitly such as saying, "Oh so that's how it is huh?!?" with a smirk and watch her squirm for a bit before getting her naked and having sex right there on the couch. Be playfully confident about it. The Other Dude Comment: I agree with someone above, this is the bigger infraction. If it wasn't part of a funny story then there was no reason to tell you unless 1) she's insecure and wanting you to know that other guys are interested or 2) she was giving you some sort of test. If it was #2, you failed. Don't worry dude, I've failed that test before too. Basically your reaction came off as, "you're pretty low value to me and I am totally not seeing this as anything serious". Which I don't think is the message you wanted to send, right? Or she could just be a clueless oversharer. Best of luck, Mrin 4
SeoulSister Posted November 17, 2021 Posted November 17, 2021 Hello, Killian898. If you had other, better options for a partner, would you stay with her? Or, would you just smile and walk away--to your better option? Just a thought. When I was dating and asking myself questions like yours, I wish I would have been given this advice. 2
viking37 Posted November 17, 2021 Posted November 17, 2021 Re the bald comment maybe she just felt that bald hair doesn't suit Jude Law? That is true of a lot of pretty boy actor types. Clearly if she is having sex with you she feels you can pull bald hair off. But I wouldn't call it a red flag. You have ample evidence she is attracted to you and you two have chemistry. As for her story most women get unwanted attention from men and if she is talking about this guy clearly she isn't interested in him. If she was interested in him she wouldn't have told you about him. I'd agree that it isn't classy to discuss other guys when she is with you. But I don't think there was any agenda or test behind it. I think she was just making conversation. Also I think telling her to try him out wasn't the best response. I'd have just changed the topic so she gets the message you aren't interested in discussing other guys.Or as suggested if it suits your style some kind of joke (I liked the one someone suggested "Want me to take care of the guy?") 1
Alpacalia Posted November 17, 2021 Posted November 17, 2021 13 hours ago, Killian898 said: The whole time I’m sitting there thinking why on earth are you telling me this?! Some will say you're being insecure. Maybe you are, maybe you aren’t. Sometimes what appears to be nothing is - she's telling you about another guy because she wants to tell someone (aka you) about her personal life. Maybe she's looking for your opinion on how to handle it. Or, maybe it's a sign of disrespect, even if it's in a minor form. In that case, the most straightforward course of action is to barely acknowledge it. If this female is someone you genuinely like, it should be just about the two of you. 1
Author Killian898 Posted November 17, 2021 Author Posted November 17, 2021 (edited) 14 hours ago, Mrin said: Dude with a shaved head here. Okay my take: The Jude Law Comment: You're being way too sensitive dude. See what @Gaeta said about going bald vs. being bald. Here's the thing - you're having sex. Women don't keep having sex with a guy they're seeing non-exclusively unless they're attracted to them. It is as simple as that. Next time she has a foot in mouth incident like that handle it a bit more adroitly such as saying, "Oh so that's how it is huh?!?" with a smirk and watch her squirm for a bit before getting her naked and having sex right there on the couch. Be playfully confident about it. The Other Dude Comment: I agree with someone above, this is the bigger infraction. If it wasn't part of a funny story then there was no reason to tell you unless 1) she's insecure and wanting you to know that other guys are interested or 2) she was giving you some sort of test. If it was #2, you failed. Don't worry dude, I've failed that test before too. Basically your reaction came off as, "you're pretty low value to me and I am totally not seeing this as anything serious". Which I don't think is the message you wanted to send, right? Or she could just be a clueless oversharer. Best of luck, Mrin Your response made me smile Mrin. Because it’s something which I would expect to see on Sosuave or one of the other PUA forums where guys try to “game” women and so forth. Tbh I’ve moved way beyond that sort of thing. Of course we are sitting here shooting the breeze and with the luxury of having plenty of time to ponder what the best response and so on might have been. Whereas I had to react in real time with only a split second to think. To the extent that the other dude comment was a test, I don’t think it was failed as such because what I said in response was very tongue in cheek and it was met with a laugh by her and certainly received in this spirit. In addition to that she has initiated contact since and is interested in meeting again, so clearly no damage has been done. I absolutely agree with Viking37 that if she is talking about this other dude then there is totally nothing to worry about as regards him. It’d be the ones she’s not telling me about I’d be more concerned about! Which I’m not. But it’s just that I’d thought it was an odd thing to introduce into the conversation by her after having spent a great night together. Upon reflection, and after having received all of your input, the incidents are not something worth ending it over as I do quite like her and the relationship otherwise. But I agree that if there are further such incidents it’s probably best for me to have a chat with her about it, rather than saying nothing and stewing afterwards. In the past (when I was a bit more young and unforgiving!) I might have pulled the pin and nexted the whole thing on this. I’ve actually done it for a lot less in the past! Some of which I regretted later, although most I didn’t. In any event I’d like to think that I’m a bit more reasonable now, but it’s still something I wrestle with internally and need to continue to work at. Edited November 17, 2021 by Killian898 1
Wiseman2 Posted November 17, 2021 Posted November 17, 2021 Maybe it's just incompatibility. Such as she's an uncensored bull-in-a-china-shop type or into celebrity gossip. Sounds like conversations she has with girlfriends on girls night out. At any rate, it doesn't seem to be going well if you're this annoyed already.
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