Person from OLD wants to chat more before giving me her contact info. Should I ask again after a few more messages or wait for her to offer?

[max3732]

Been chatting with someone from OLD who lives like 2 hours away. After a few messages and reading her profile she seems great and I thought it would make sense to talk on the phone so I asked for her # to move things along. She replied she likes to people on the app for a while before exchanging numbers. 

Since then we've talked on the app a few more days and the conversation is at a natural break. 

I don't want to come across as too aggressive, but is there anything in particular that I should ask her about or that she'd want to get to know about me before exchanging numbers or talking about meeting? Would it be wrong to ask if she has any dealbreakers or if there is anything that is important to know about her date before exchanging numbers or meeting? Or should I just keep it fun with asking her about movies, her interests, family, etc?

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, max3732 said:

Been chatting with someone from OLD who lives like 2 hours away.

Delete and block anyone who contracts you from that distance. 

[dramafreezone]

57 minutes ago, max3732 said:

Been chatting with someone from OLD who lives like 2 hours away. After a few messages and reading her profile she seems great and I thought it would make sense to talk on the phone so I asked for her # to move things along. She replied she likes to people on the app for a while before exchanging numbers. 

Since then we've talked on the app a few more days and the conversation is at a natural break. 

I don't want to come across as too aggressive, but is there anything in particular that I should ask her about or that she'd want to get to know about me before exchanging numbers or talking about meeting? Would it be wrong to ask if she has any dealbreakers or if there is anything that is important to know about her date before exchanging numbers or meeting? Or should I just keep it fun with asking her about movies, her interests, family, etc?

not too aggressive at all.  You're not in this to have a pen-pal.  if she doesn't want to seriously talk about meeting up move on.  If she's making rules for you, she's not the one.

I see @Wiseman2 disqualified her because of the distance.  I would say it's certainly not desireable but with the right attitude you could give it a chance.  But she doesn't even want to talk about meeting so I'd just move on.  Too many women in the world to be a pen-pal to this one.

Edited November 15, 2021 by dramafreezone

[glows]

I'm not a fan of incessant texting when a regular and real conversation can be had in person, face to face. I always favour face to face meetings rather than long, protracted texting conversations.

You only have to decide what you want to do or what's preferable to you when you're dating. Two hours away may be too far a distance if it's solely dependent on you doing all the commuting for example. What kind of connection or relationship are you looking to have? If it's casual and not serious, I think two hours is fine but it wouldn't last imo. 

Edited November 15, 2021 by glows

[Ami1uwant]

7 hours ago, max3732 said:

Been chatting with someone from OLD who lives like 2 hours away. After a few messages and reading her profile she seems great and I thought it would make sense to talk on the phone so I asked for her # to move things along. She replied she likes to people on the app for a while before exchanging numbers. 

Since then we've talked on the app a few more days and the conversation is at a natural break. 

I don't want to come across as too aggressive, but is there anything in particular that I should ask her about or that she'd want to get to know about me before exchanging numbers or talking about meeting? Would it be wrong to ask if she has any dealbreakers or if there is anything that is important to know about her date before exchanging numbers or meeting? Or should I just keep it fun with asking her about movies, her interests, family, etc?

have you asked her on experience meeting peop,e from OLD?  Has dhe done this before? From this distance?

my rules with OLD

if they are local then after a few back and forth conversation I offer to talk on phone. If it’s a longer talk on the phone of about 45 min and there is flow I ask about meeting.

 

if it involves more distance in meeting like1-3 hrs drive away then I will talk to her longer to get to learn more about her before investing in a face to face meeting.

 

 

[ShyViolet]

Why are you even wasting your time chatting with someone who lives 2 hours away?  So if you did end up dating her, you'd have to commute 2 hours every single time you see each other?  That's ridiculous, I'm sorry.

[chillii]

Well , if it was really something then 2hrs is nothing but obviously someone has to move later on.

Wants to talk longer yeah l came across that back in the day too , had me a bit puzzled. Some wanted to just call, first night even. Others wanted to chat a lot first, even a wk or two. l remember l said to one , why don't l just call ya all this emailing is literally just painful. She said , ha, l was really enjoying it . What the, it was hopeless how could she possibly had been enjoying it.

[Trail Blazer]

You talk to people two hours away for hook-ups.  You talk to people 20 minutes away that you want to date.

[Blind-Sided]

As said above..... you are not someone's pen-pal.... and there is no reason to try to date someone who is 2hr's away.

Just block, and move on. 

 

[Foxhall]

20 hours ago, max3732 said:

Or should I just keep it fun with asking her about movies, her interests, family, etc?

Yes if you are interested otherwise, play it at her pace,

some of them like to chat or meet straight away and some are more comfortable with getting to know you for a month or so even before exchanging numbers,

you could suggest meeting after another two weeks or so casually chatting,

I disagree on the two hour thing being a problem.

my own relationship we are that distance apart for 2 1/2 years now, its not a big deal, and you can stay over at each others a few days at a time.

 

[Trail Blazer]

59 minutes ago, Foxhall said:

Yes if you are interested otherwise, play it at her pace,

some of them like to chat or meet straight away and some are more comfortable with getting to know you for a month or so even before exchanging numbers,

you could suggest meeting after another two weeks or so casually chatting,

I disagree on the two hour thing being a problem.

my own relationship we are that distance apart for 2 1/2 years now, its not a big deal, and you can stay over at each others a few days at a time.

 

Two hours away in Ireland is half the country.  When you put it like that, there's hardly a state in America that doesn't span two hours' drive.  Doesn't sound as bad from OP's point of view.

Notwithstanding, the impracticality of dating with such logistical challenges, has neither one of the two of you broached the subject of moving closer after such a period of time?

[Foxhall]

9 minutes ago, Trail Blazer said:

.

Notwithstanding, the impracticality of dating with such logistical challenges, has neither one of the two of you broached the subject of moving closer after such a period of time?

It is an issue I suppose. the thing is my Mother is elderly and slowing down, I am travelling back and forth about twice a week which I dont mind really.

the gf has done ok for herself here and is beside her work,

yes we have discussed making things more permanent but will it work for us on a full-time basis is another story!

tbh my position is I would like a child, if she becomes more receptive to that, then Yes I will move.

[Killian898]

Personally I don’t think that being a 2 hour drive away from someone is a dealbreaker. If it is for the right person and the relationship had real potential then it would definitely be worth it. Or, to put it another way: it’s a huge world out there so why limit your search for a long term partner / soulmate to only a 1 hour radius of yourself?

Anybody who says that 2 hours is too much I would view as being self centered and generally unwilling to put in the effort and investment that’s needed in a long term relationship.   

[max3732]

1 hour ago, Trail Blazer said:

Two hours away in Ireland is half the country.  When you put it like that, there's hardly a state in America that doesn't span two hours' drive.  Doesn't sound as bad from OP's point of view.

Notwithstanding, the impracticality of dating with such logistical challenges, has neither one of the two of you broached the subject of moving closer after such a period of time?

It's not half the country where I am, but it's still a long drive. I actually met someone in the same area for a 2nd date last year and 4 hours in the car makes for a long day. So I wouldn't want to drive all the way there to meet for a 20 minutes. There's an area that's like 45 minutes for me and an hour and 20 minutes for her. Nothing really halfway. If I go further I'd have to drive within 10 minutes of where lives. So logistically it is tricky.

From her profile and our chat so far she seems really great though. She's a very accomplished professional and maybe she's afraid of crazy guys having her number? 

She mentioned she likes trying new restaurants so I'm hoping if we get to that point she'd be ok with trying something 45 minutes away and I wouldn't have to make the full 2 hour drive to see her. When we're talking about all this stuff over text in the dating app I just like to have some kind of feel for how to progress. Like someone said maybe give it a bit longer and then ask again and also bring up deal breakers.

[basil67]

@max3732, I'm not surprised that you've gotten to the point of logistics and meeting half way and discussions of how long the drive is.   Thing is, dating someone who lives far away is suitable for those who enjoy long drives.   But this isn't you.  And that's OK, but you do have to look closer to home if you don't want to embrace the drive.

[chillii]

7 hours ago, Trail Blazer said:

Two hours away in Ireland is half the country.  When you put it like that, there's hardly a state in America that doesn't span two hours' drive.  Doesn't sound as bad from OP's point of view.

Notwithstanding, the impracticality of dating with such logistical challenges, has neither one of the two of you broached the subject of moving closer after such a period of time?

It's nothing. You can drive it , and enjoy the drive and all the feelings of seeing ea other again along the way.  My lady was 12hrs drive , but we fly mostly, she also stays down at mine mths at a time. lt's not really a problem makes it exiting actually , loveeee going to pick her up at the airport. But yeah someone has to move in the end, you work that out along the way.

l love driving , never understand people round here quivering over a few hrs , it's nothing. Sometimes it's even better than local bc you still have your own worlds too. But alas , l know how hell bent people are round here on finding real love nice and conveniently just around the  corner , and most of them are still single 20yrs later bc  that didn't happen yet still won't go out of their way. l can never work it out. 

[Trail Blazer]

7 hours ago, max3732 said:

It's not half the country where I am, but it's still a long drive. I actually met someone in the same area for a 2nd date last year and 4 hours in the car makes for a long day. So I wouldn't want to drive all the way there to meet for a 20 minutes. There's an area that's like 45 minutes for me and an hour and 20 minutes for her. Nothing really halfway. If I go further I'd have to drive within 10 minutes of where lives. So logistically it is tricky.

From her profile and our chat so far she seems really great though. She's a very accomplished professional and maybe she's afraid of crazy guys having her number? 

She mentioned she likes trying new restaurants so I'm hoping if we get to that point she'd be ok with trying something 45 minutes away and I wouldn't have to make the full 2 hour drive to see her. When we're talking about all this stuff over text in the dating app I just like to have some kind of feel for how to progress. Like someone said maybe give it a bit longer and then ask again and also bring up deal breakers.

Just make sure you don't do all the leg work.  If she's not receptive to travelling to see you as well, then it's going to be a one-way relationship.  You can find plenty of those closer to home.

[Trail Blazer]

48 minutes ago, chillii said:

It's nothing. You can drive it , and enjoy the drive and all the feelings of seeing ea other again along the way.  My lady was 12hrs drive , but we fly mostly, she also stays down at mine mths at a time. lt's not really a problem makes it exiting actually , loveeee going to pick her up at the airport. But yeah someone has to move in the end, you work that out along the way.

l love driving , never understand people round here quivering over a few hrs , it's nothing. Sometimes it's even better than local bc you still have your own worlds too. But alas , l know how hell bent people are round here on finding real love nice and conveniently just around the  corner , and most of them are still single 20yrs later bc  that didn't happen yet still won't go out of their way. l can never work it out. 

I moved state to be with my now ex-wife.  We were seven hours apart by car.  However, that was almost 17 years ago.  These days, I try to date not only in my city, but ideally in my local county. 

Thankfully I've managed to do just that, with my ex-girlfriend only living 10 minutes drive away and my current girlfriend only five minutes drive.  She's since moved in with me, so now it's just a matter of who gets to park their car in the garage first!

I personally couldn't be bothered dating someone so far away.  I'd look afar if I was having no luck locally, but ideally you're best to stick within your locality.  All things being equal, it's just easier.

[Trail Blazer]

8 hours ago, Foxhall said:

It is an issue I suppose. the thing is my Mother is elderly and slowing down, I am travelling back and forth about twice a week which I dont mind really.

the gf has done ok for herself here and is beside her work,

yes we have discussed making things more permanent but will it work for us on a full-time basis is another story!

tbh my position is I would like a child, if she becomes more receptive to that, then Yes I will move.

How did you find this during the peak of the pandemic?  It must have been very challenging! 

I have family in Ireland and I heard first hand from my uncle just how tightly the country was locked down.

[Foxhall]

1 hour ago, Trail Blazer said:

How did you find this during the peak of the pandemic? 

Its true , we went ten weeks at one point without meeting,

eventually I got resourceful and letter from a Doctor- caring for an elderly relative,

once I had to show it when stopped

 

[Acacia98]

16 hours ago, Killian898 said:

Personally I don’t think that being a 2 hour drive away from someone is a dealbreaker. If it is for the right person and the relationship had real potential then it would definitely be worth it. Or, to put it another way: it’s a huge world out there so why limit your search for a long term partner / soulmate to only a 1 hour radius of yourself?

Anybody who says that 2 hours is too much I would view as being self centered and generally unwilling to put in the effort and investment that’s needed in a long term relationship.   

Sometimes we set such limitations because of the circumstances of our lives. For example, two hours going to see the GF/BF and two hours coming back adds up. And if you're also a single parent or caregiver or if you have a highly demanding job, it just might not work for you. So I'd encourage OP to consider the reality of their circumstances.

[max3732]

On 11/16/2021 at 5:27 PM, Trail Blazer said:

Just make sure you don't do all the leg work.  If she's not receptive to travelling to see you as well, then it's going to be a one-way relationship.  You can find plenty of those closer to home.

Hopefully she'd be receptive to meeting me as well. I don't mind a long trip every now and then and just play an audiobook. What I don't like is driving in stop and go where it could be 3 hours or if I have to do a lot of lane changes.

So far we're just talking.

[Killian898]

On 11/17/2021 at 7:28 AM, Acacia98 said:

Sometimes we set such limitations because of the circumstances of our lives. For example, two hours going to see the GF/BF and two hours coming back adds up. And if you're also a single parent or caregiver or if you have a highly demanding job, it just might not work for you. So I'd encourage OP to consider the reality of their circumstances.

 Just FYI, my current relationship is with a single mother and we live around 2 hours away from each other. We’ve still been able to make it work.
 

I don’t have any kids, and her ex has her kids 50% of the time, so that does make things easier. Whilst the journey is a hassle (I do it more often than her because no kids), it’s definitely worth the effort. Where there’s a will there’s a way!

Edited November 19, 2021 by Killian898

[Trail Blazer]

9 hours ago, max3732 said:

Hopefully she'd be receptive to meeting me as well. I don't mind a long trip every now and then and just play an audiobook. What I don't like is driving in stop and go where it could be 3 hours or if I have to do a lot of lane changes.

So far we're just talking.

Not "hopefully" but rather, she has to be.  Don't look at it from a micro perspective; it doesn't matter if you like or don't like the specific traffic situations you'll encounter en route to visit her.  All that matters is if she's prepared to the leg work as well.

Initially, men are expected to make more of the effort for the first few dates.  However, that imbalance is supposed to even out after the intial courtship period.  So, do not go into this expecting the rules to be different and making additional accommodations.

If you decide to date this girl, it is incumbent upon her to match the effort to overcome the logistical challenges.  Just because it's an "easy commute" shouldn't be a reason for you to alleviate her responsibility to reciprocate.

Our level of effort should be dictated not by the ease of which the tasks come, but rather through mutual respect.  If she's happy to let you make all the effort to drive, it will set a precedent which she may take advantage of.

Two hours commute is not out of the question.  People marry other people they meet while travelling overseas - it's not uncommon.  Always though, accommodations have to be made if things are to work out.  Two hours commute is not a viable, long-term arrangement.

Just don't be the one doing all the accommodating...

[basil67]

9 hours ago, max3732 said:

Hopefully she'd be receptive to meeting me as well. I don't mind a long trip every now and then and just play an audiobook. What I don't like is driving in stop and go where it could be 3 hours or if I have to do a lot of lane changes.

So far we're just talking.

This makes you a poor candidate for dating someone who lives far away.   No judgement, I wouldn't do it either.