My next step? update

[Ami1uwant]

5 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Are you asking if things would be better with my ex if l met him today?

 

This isn’t about your LTRs.  It’s abou5 these 2-3 dates that didn’t last because of something you did that you wouldn’t do today

[Gaeta]

4 hours ago, Ami1uwant said:

This isn’t about your LTRs.  It’s abou5 these 2-3 dates that didn’t last because of something you did that you wouldn’t do today

Honestly, l don't remember going on 2-3 dates with a man and it ended because of something l did. Most time it's something they did and it's well documented here or l didn't feel enough attraction like last guy.

[Veronica73]

You don’t think it seems a little…. crazy…. that you need to go on 200 coffee dates to find one guy? Who didn’t even work out?

Edited December 4, 2021 by Veronica73

[Gaeta]

8 minutes ago, Veronica73 said:

You don’t think it seems a little…. crazy…. that you need to go on 200 coffee dates to find one guy? Who didn’t even work out?

Of course it's crazy lol.

When l started online dating l had 0 experience in online dating, l would even say l had 0 experience in dating at all, l married my very first boyfriend l met at 17 and suddenly l'm 45 and single in this jungle with no one to guide me, everybody around me is in LTR for years and know nothing of today's dating.

The 200 dates were over 3,5 years. I did not put my life on hold for that, nothing is wasted, it's my journey and it built me. A lot of it was fun, entertaining, if not entertaining then it was character building and made me resiliant. 

[Uruktopi]

22 hours ago, Veronica73 said:

You don’t think it seems a little…. crazy…. that you need to go on 200 coffee dates to find one guy? Who didn’t even work out?

LOL!

Let´s build perspective.

Those 200 coffees are less than a year breakfasts.

During my long years maried with ...my first I had (and prepaired myself) some thousands of coffees with her.

And, sadly, I cant´t say I was lucky.

Sooooooo..........

I consider that 200 coffees and some chance of finding someone are a quite modicus bet.  

[Wiseman2]

22 hours ago, Gaeta said:

in this jungle

Good summary of OLD. However with a clear-cut system and cutting out timewasters it can lead to meeting someone sooner or later.

Develop a plan. How many messages until meeting? When where to meet for coffee? Second date or no? What deal breakers/red flags? Make a list and stick to it.

The trick is preventing burnout. Including who to cut loose early on.

[Gaeta]

I feel l cut them pretty fast. I meet them because everything looks good on paper and they could be a good candidate. I have no control over them floading me with poetry afterward, reaching under my dress in brightday light, and what ever else happenned in these dates since this summer.

I've deleted all my profiles before the American Thanks Giving and enjoying a break from it all.

[Happy Lemming]

@Gaeta Are you going to take a break from dating during the holiday season??

Maybe start back up after the new year??

[Gaeta]

2 hours ago, Happy Lemming said:

@Gaeta Are you going to take a break from dating during the holiday season??

Maybe start back up after the new year??

Yes I'm on a break till after the holidays. That break so far brought calmness, I'm realizing it kept me constantly on the defensive and that used my mental energy.

On a different topic: I have a male friend (59 yo) who's online dating and sometimes I'd send him screencaps of the things men tell me just to show him what I'm dealing with. This weekend he sent me his screencaps and I fell to the floor!! Women showering him with compliments, inviting him over for 2nd date, expressing things like they would love to cook for him and they know how to take good care of a man etc. So I asked him if he liked it and he said *of course*....That's NOT how I've been online dating! If I compare myself to these women I am a block of ice! 

[Girl Fade Away]

14 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

On different topic: I have a male friend (59 yo) who's online dating and sometimes I'd send him screencaps of the things men tell me just to show him what I'm dealing with. This weekend he sent me his screencaps and I fell to the floor!! Women showering him with compliments, inviting him over for 2nd date, expressing things like they would love to cook for him and they know how to take good care of a man etc. So I asked him if he liked it and he said *of course*....

IOW, women chasing him.  Of course he liked it!  It's a huge ego boost and validation, what man wouldn't like that? 

The woman he falls hard for and wants to get serious with will most likely be a woman HE has to chase/pursue a little.  Or at least put forth some effort himself.  

There is a saying that I find apt.  Applies to both men and women. 

"Nothing worth having comes easy"

Gaeta, please don't start behaving like those women (not that you would).  Show interest of course but the way they behave, it wreaks desperation. I cannot even imagine behaving that way before knowing a man.

It's downright cringy in my opinion!

 

[Gaeta]

1 minute ago, Girl Fade Away said:

Gaeta, please don't start behaving like those women (not that you would).  Show interest of course but the way they behave, it wreaks desperation. I cannot even imagine behaving that way before knowing a man.

It's downright cringy in my opinion!

Very cringy.

Him and I spoke about this and he told me to not change what I do because men like me right away so I am doing something right. I might attract men that like a challenge though. 

[Pumpernickel]

18 hours ago, Uruktopi said:

Those 200 coffees are less than a year breakfasts.

 

It's still more than one coffee date a week, if my math isn't totally off. That's a LOT!!!

 

40 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

That's NOT how I've been online dating! If I compare myself to these women I am a block of ice! 

[Yes – same.]

Wow – please (and I know you will) stay the course & be true to yourself. You're way too classy for that. What age group is your buddy targeting?
What's the age group you are targeting? 

Edited December 6, 2021 by Pumpernickel

[Gaeta]

2 minutes ago, Pumpernickel said:

What age group is your buddy targeting?
What's the age group you are targeting? 

He's looking for a woman his age, yesterdays he met a woman his age over coffee, she invited him already to her place for their 2nd date, she will cook him a Jewish meal (my friend is Jewish) and she told him all about enjoying taking care of a man etc etc. He's flattered and he'll go but he's not excited like I've seen him be excited. I saw him crawl on his knees for 6 months to get a woman he liked. 

I would like to meet a man my age. I think a man 50+ can be serious about a woman 56. Not under 50. 

[Girl Fade Away]

3 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I might attract men that like a challenge though. 

What is "challenge" though?  We all like a bit of challenge especially in the early stages.  Dare I say a bit of mystery?

Again, nothing worth having comes easy.  It does NOT mean playing hard to get games.  But rather a person who does not serve it up to you on a silver platter.  Who does not put it all out there at first.  Like 'here take me, I'm yours'!  Like those women are doing.  Cringe, lol.

What man wouid be inspired by that?  Like it, of course!  But inspired to want more with that woman other than what she's serving him on a golden platter?

Doubtful.  Although it does happen that way sometimes but NOT because she chased.  They just clicked, had good positive energy/chemistry between them.

[Girl Fade Away]

1 minute ago, Gaeta said:

yesterdays he met a woman his age over coffee, she invited him already to her place for their 2nd date, she will cook him a Jewish meal (my friend is Jewish) and she told him all about enjoying taking care of a man etc etc. He's flattered and he'll go but he's not excited like I've seen him be excited. I saw him crawl on his knees for 6 months to get a woman he liked. 

Emboldened, did he ever get her?  Lol.  I would not recommend that either, for men.  But it does kind of prove the adage that nothing worth having comes easy. 

If that's challenge, then so be. 

[glows]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

Yes I'm on a break till after the holidays. That break so far brought calmness, I'm realizing it kept me constantly on the defensive and that used my mental energy.

A good ingredient and must-have. I think keeping it down to earth and simple is key. Keep the chit chat online to a minimum and meet for a brief coffee. I'd avoid making excuses for anyone and accept what others show you. What we expect of ourselves, we should also expect out of others, especially in closer relationships. 

[Gaeta]

5 minutes ago, Girl Fade Away said:

Emboldened, did he ever get her?  Lol. 

Nope lol

She would shower him with attention and compliments, accept random dates here and there, never had sex with him, and he couldn't get enough of her. At the end she went for another man, who probably didn't put up with her BS. 

[Uruktopi]

56 minutes ago, Pumpernickel said:

It's still more than one coffee date a week, if my math isn't totally off. That's a LOT!!!

Well........I was thinking in something wider than dates, with or without coffee.

You may or not find a suitable someone having a coffee each week with different ones.

You may or not have reasons to feel that having a daily coffee each morning with the same not compatible someone is not so rewarding.

I counted quite more coffees in the 2nd scenario till it ended long long ago, as it should earlier.

Regarding the 1st, may be a trial and error don´t work for everybody and it would be useful to polish our choosing criteria.

Except good coffee is enough for you, of course.

 

 

Edited December 6, 2021 by Uruktopi

[Pumpernickel]

3 minutes ago, Uruktopi said:

You may or not find a suitable someone having a coffee each week with differen ones.

Right!! And it's a very strategic, rational & probably effective approach to dating. I think @Gaetais doing everything right. Her head is in the right place, and I think approaching dating with more logic than emotion is a great idea. I also think taking a break – like she's planning to – is a good idea.  👍

 

 

3 minutes ago, Uruktopi said:

I counted quite more coffees in the 2nd scenario till it ended long long ago, as it should earlier.

Sorry to hear. But you're not alone. 🤗

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, Pumpernickel said:

It's still more than one coffee date a week, if my math isn't totally off. That's a LOT!!!

Yes it is a lot but it was another time, I had more freedom, I was younger, had more energy, sometimes I had a coffee meeting around my office before starting the day and another one at 5pm when I left. 

I would not date like that again.

[Weezy1973]

2 hours ago, Pumpernickel said:

It's still more than one coffee date a week, if my math isn't totally off. That's a LOT!!!

It depends on what you think is a lot…when I was online dating in basically the same way Gaeta is…looking for longterm just like her…I was going on an average of 3 dates a week. Some 1st meets, some second dates etc. Playing the numbers game and multi dating during the early stages with online worked great for me. It was easy not to get too caught up and after only a couple months I met my now wife. 

[Weezy1973]

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

He's looking for a woman his age,

And why are you not interested in him? Is it because he’s Jewish and looking for a Jewish woman?

[Gaeta]

6 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

And why are you not interested in him? Is it because he’s Jewish and looking for a Jewish woman?

I've never felt physical attraction toward him. He's not a bad looking man, he's funny, stable etc. Most women he dates are not Jewish but when he comes across one he considers it a plus. We've been friends for 10+ years, we're deep into the friendship zone.

[Pumpernickel]

2 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

It depends on what you think is a lot…when I was online dating in basically the same way Gaeta is…looking for longterm just like her…I was going on an average of 3 dates a week. Some 1st meets, some second dates etc. Playing the numbers game and multi dating during the early stages with online worked great for me. It was easy not to get too caught up and after only a couple months I met my now wife. 

This is what I’m talking about. Using a more structured, brainy & “it’s a numbers game” approach. In OLD, I think that’s the one and only secret for success. You gotta be dedicated & almost disciplined. 
Well done!