In Sync Posted October 20, 2005 Posted October 20, 2005 I have nothing but high admiration for genuine NC followers. When I first found LS, I read about doing NC and though I was hurting I didn't follow nor understand the true principle behind it. I glibbly tried it and crumbled after the slightest attention or contact from the ex. You know the story..more pain followed. As I am doing it again but with a better regard for it. I see just how and why it is damn tough to commit to. Yet the reason to do it is simple to separate oneslf from the person who is regardless of who's fault, to separate oneself from the person whom you are attached to and the pain with that attachment. It allows you to separate yourself from the emotional upheaval and heal. It's empowering and it's a step at regaining self-respect. Finally I see the light. I remember reading the post of all you guys/gals out there in LS and not fully grasping why it's so imperative. Those who have been hard core doers of it from your first day of a breakup, have amazing will and I had just have to say...NC is not to be lightly dismissed. It's harder than one ever imagines when you seriously commit to it.
JohnJohn Posted October 20, 2005 Posted October 20, 2005 I agree. I am at about day 60 of NC and am doing much better. Sometimes the best thing to do in a situation is nothing at all. Easier said than done but maintain your discipline and it will work wonders.
off2sea Posted October 20, 2005 Posted October 20, 2005 Very true In Sync. I crumbled earlier this week by responding to a meaningless generic text and it certainlly was a setback. One positive thing I noticed though was that the recovery from it came more quickly than in the past. So even though I was really angry with myself, I got over the contact in about a day. I think I will be able to really ignore the next one that is sure to come in about 2-3 months.
erosgruv Posted October 20, 2005 Posted October 20, 2005 started nc at the end of august, and communicated with her twice - one was an email reply to her voicemail stating that i'd only be interested in talking if she wanted to work things out, and the second was a couple of weeks later when i answered her call. she wanted to tell me she moved back to her hometown 300 miles away. that was at the end of september and the last i've heard from her, and i'm proud of myself that i've never initiated contact with her really since after the end of august. it isn't quite nc, but i've come a long way since the days of begging and having no self-respect. question i have is i know why i'm doing nc -- strictly for my own benefit -- but should i ignore any further communication attempts from her when even though she ended the relationship, i would still welcome a chance to work things out if that's what she decided to do? we had a great, albeit short, relationship with no one cheating on another, abuse of any sort, or anything drastic like that. it was her immaturity and insecurities that brought all of this doubt and clouded her judgment. if she were ever able to get through her internal issues, why wouldn't i give her a second chance? my approach is to stick with nc, but if she ever does contact me again, i'll be civil, friendly (not be be confused with "friend") and dictating when the conversations would end. i think if i never wanted her in my life at all, i'd completely ignore all communication attempts. in my case, i'm leaving that door unlocked in case she decides to open it. in the meantime, i'm trying to keep busy and having a good time, but it's still hard. keep on keeping on, though!
off2sea Posted October 20, 2005 Posted October 20, 2005 I think it definitely depends on the way the relationship ended. In my case the ending was abrupt (I was stood up 2 weeks before Christmas with zero explanation) and didn't hear from her for about 2 months. I still have no idea what happened 11 months later. I have also been through many relationships that ended in a more amicable fashion and although I'm not "friends" with any of them, I did not follow strict NC. It sounds like you may want to play your situation out a bit more to see where it leads.
NewUser Posted October 20, 2005 Posted October 20, 2005 Hi -- I've been posting on a different forum recently about this very thing: No Contact. I want you all to know that, although there are many good reasons to maintain NC -- even if you want the ex back -- the main reason is to maintain/regain your own self respect. I've been in NC for 10 days now. Each day I maintain NC, I pat myself on the back and feel a HUGE sense of relief! Even though I don't want to resume the relationship, that aspect doesn't make NC any easier because it was a very intense relationship that lasted for more than a year and a half and even a small thing like breaking the habit of daily contact with someone is hard in its own right. Add deep emotions (good or bad) and it's doubly -- triply -- difficult. Maintain NC for your own sake. Pat yourself on the back every time you avoid the temptation to contact your ex. Give yourself serious credit for maintaining/regaining your dignity and self respect. Trust me: it really does help. Best to all of you.
allaboutchoices Posted October 20, 2005 Posted October 20, 2005 I think we all have our relapses. I finally got to the point where I changed my phone numbers and email addresses, changed work schedule, etc. Is that a hard-core NC or what? Congrats guys, you know you are doing this for you! off2sea & erosgruv I agree. You need to know what you want. If it's to hurt you more, I wouldn't pursue or respond to any contact, but if you feel like you might work it out or stay friends, more power to you! Each situation is different. Off2sea, sorry to hear about a betrayal like that. Not knowing seems to be a stop-sign on the road to recovery.
Author In Sync Posted October 20, 2005 Author Posted October 20, 2005 Here's my lastest insight to what makes NC vital to healing. With every experience becomes a memory. And as an actor, which I am.. we all know that memories are loaded. They are emotional dynamite ready to explode with the right spark. And the more emotionally loaded the relationship, the more powerful the memory... These contacts (phone calls,e-mails and text messages) with ex's after a breakup are extra little memories that are added to the already piled up memory bank we have of them. It's logical. You can't heal yourself from a devastating breakup if you keep adding "experiences" to the pot. Because all the contacts are new things you have to get over. Finally the whole NC makes total sense to me. I don't know why it took me so long to get it.
Hot Coco Posted October 21, 2005 Posted October 21, 2005 I love that! So true. Never seen it put that way before.
allaboutchoices Posted October 21, 2005 Posted October 21, 2005 I just love your avatar. Each time I come across your post, it makes me smile. And I don't even like cats
JohnJohn Posted October 21, 2005 Posted October 21, 2005 Maintain NC for your own sake. Pat yourself on the back every time you avoid the temptation to contact your ex. Give yourself serious credit for maintaining/regaining your dignity and self respect. Trust me: it really does help. This a great point. All too often we beat ourselves up for everything. For example, we are still tempted to break NC or we have a bad day after so many good days. We're all stronger than we give ourselves credit for. We may not be over it completely but we should pat ourselves on the back for coming this far.
missingj Posted October 21, 2005 Posted October 21, 2005 I've only been on strict NC for about 18 days (aiming for 60). I had suggested NC to my ex earlier but it was broken one night after a few beers, now I never take my phone out with me when I drink. Each time I phoned I felt worse as my ex would text msg me saying he missed me but when I phoned he would say he never should have sent the msg and started going on about how great his life was now. Anyway I consider this the most challenging thing I have ever done, but its also strangely rewarding when you fight the urge to call. I regret not starting NC earlier but I think I needed those few phone calls to get everything out of system and to realise how mean he can actually be. For those of you struggling with NC PLEASE stick to it. Im at the point now where Im about 95% sure I don't want him back which is huge for me! Keep up the good work everyone.
jc Posted October 21, 2005 Posted October 21, 2005 I'm on day 5 of NC right now and it's difficult because I'm having a hard time dealing with my grandpa dying. I want to call him so much and have those few moments of comfort...if only they didn't come attached with days of more sadness, regret for what cannot be, and recriminations aimed at myself for being weak and giving in. I'm aiming for day 60 too...only 12x more of what I've done so far and I'm there! One question: what happens when you get "there" (to day 60 in my case)...Do I give myself permission to call him if I still want to, or does the fact that I might even still desire contact require another period of No Contact? ps. how can you tell that I am a huge worrier? I'm only on day 5 and I'm already worrying about what's going to happen on day 60!
Author In Sync Posted October 21, 2005 Author Posted October 21, 2005 jc Don't contact this person if they were in any way connected to your heartache. First even if they would offer you comfort during your time of family loss, it will be even more devastating if they were to turn away from you again in any way shape or form. You will be seeking comfort from them and they may not be reliable and then you are again handling another loss. As I said before each experince will create a new memory and it will be endless trying to recover from the already emotional state you are in. Turn to trusted friends, family, church or some person of spiritual guidance, but NOT the person whom you are NCing from.
jc Posted October 21, 2005 Posted October 21, 2005 Thanks NSync, So far I am staying strong and not calling or emailing or texting. Luckily he lives 450 km away so there is no temptation to "drop in" and say hi. The hard thing is that I know he would never turn away from me if I needed comfort. He would comfort me, but that's it. He wouldn't come to the funeral with me because he knows that my family isn't all that impressed with him right now, plus I just really don't think he would care enough to take the time off work and drive the 10 hours there with me. So really, all I would get out of it would be some quick consolation, then sadness about our relationship and hurt over why he won't come to the funeral or come to see me. So in the end, not worth it. I just have to keep rationalizing with myself. My head knows what is right, it's my heart that is completely messed up right now:) Thanks for the great advice, jc
JohnJohn Posted October 21, 2005 Posted October 21, 2005 Disconnecting one's heart from one is brain is the difficult part.
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