FMW Posted November 12, 2021 Posted November 12, 2021 I took the vigilant as pertaining to what triggers him, what makes him see red flags. I think it's fine to be vigilant about yourself, about your feelings and reactions. I do agree that if OP means vigilant about keeping an eye on her and policing her, then they might as well throw in the towel now.
Lotsgoingon Posted November 12, 2021 Posted November 12, 2021 So OP, you've got a serious drinking problem? Is that what you're saying?
Author Grey40 Posted November 12, 2021 Author Posted November 12, 2021 9 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said: So OP, you've got a serious drinking problem? Is that what you're saying? I wouldn’t say that. But she likes to drink a lot, as does her family…hard alc..and I can’t keep up sometimes, and I try to when I shouldnt
Lotsgoingon Posted November 12, 2021 Posted November 12, 2021 1 hour ago, Grey40 said: She also knows when I drink I can’t control myself and I get out of control, and she doesn’t want to go on a vacation with someone who might get sloppy or become a liability. I’ve been working on it, but she knows that I have a trouble knowing my limits. Sounds like you're talking about yourself here and not her. I' m a little confused.
usa1ah Posted November 12, 2021 Posted November 12, 2021 I suggest reading the 180 and following what it says. I will do wonders for your relationship. 1
usa1ah Posted November 13, 2021 Posted November 13, 2021 I hate autocorrect. It will do wonders for your relationship.
dramafreezone Posted November 13, 2021 Posted November 13, 2021 (edited) 9 hours ago, Grey40 said: I just had a talk with her about it all, saying I was sorry for overreacting and being insecure about it. And she said she was sorry for not being upfront about things as well abd that she wants to work on making me feel I can trust her more. Whatever it takes. She’s says i can ask her to look through her phone whenever and I don’t need to go behind her back to do it. And I told her she can be upfront on things she wants to do without worrying about me blowing it up or getting upset. I told her that she should have a great time on the trip and that I’ll find something productive to do that week. I’ll stay vigilant and keep an eye out for stuff, but I feel breaking up over this is kind of petty. And if I can’t trust her now, then can I ever? Well, time will tell. I think this is over *for now.*. Even if you were being jealous, you never disrespected her, and she was still disrespectful to you. I don't think she incurred any consequence for her disrespect towards you, so don't see anything that will prevent it from happening in the future. There's the saying "you teach people how to treat you." People like her only respect actions, not words. The greatest power you could exert is to leave. I'm not one to tell people to break up that often, but it's the only card you can play here to preserve your dignity. Your action was to capitulate, so her disrespect will happen again, just a matter of time. I hope I'm wrong, good luck. Edited November 13, 2021 by dramafreezone 1
Acacia98 Posted November 13, 2021 Posted November 13, 2021 9 hours ago, Grey40 said: She also knows when I drink I can’t control myself and I get out of control, and she doesn’t want to go on a vacation with someone who might get sloppy or become a liability. I’ve been working on it, but she knows that I have a trouble knowing my limits. And you mention this only now? What exactly do you do when you're drunk? Are you obnoxious, violent? Do you hit on other women? 8 hours ago, Grey40 said: I wouldn’t say that. But she likes to drink a lot, as does her family…hard alc..and I can’t keep up sometimes, and I try to when I shouldnt So you both have drinking problems although you are in denial about it. That's a recipe for disaster. 2
Lotsgoingon Posted November 13, 2021 Posted November 13, 2021 I agree: OP it would have been more helpful had you mentioned your drinking and your partner's drinking. Drinking problems figure iinto everything. Some issues only become problems because of drinking. Problematic drinking can turn everything into a problem. 3
Pumpernickel Posted November 13, 2021 Posted November 13, 2021 25 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said: Problematic drinking can turn everything into a problem. Yeah, and if she’s a drinker & partier (even if she doesn’t go out that often), then that’s what’s she’s gonna do in Puerto Rico. She’ll go out and party. @Grey40knows this, hence the trust issues. But I also understand her stance: if OP is an ass when he’s had a couple too many, then I wouldn’t want him to come along either. 1
Noproblem Posted November 13, 2021 Posted November 13, 2021 (edited) You don't trust her.. and maybe you have valid reasons for it or maybe your using your past experience and projecting it on her without any fault of her own. She is allowed to go out with her BFF, and frankly, he has a right to have his friend with him for alone time, since he was there first before you and snow she hardly has anytime left for their friendship! As a best friend, he has a right to have time with his best friend without you making their time miserable because you are jealous and distrust both of them! That being said, I would be sad if I am not included in a trip and the plan was planned without even telling me about it. Like if So comes and says hey., I want to do a trip alone with my Bff and you are not invited because I don't want my bff to feel neglected. That would be less shocking, but to not even tell me for 3 weeks just hurts.. you know.. Edited November 13, 2021 by Noproblem 1
Crazelnut Posted November 13, 2021 Posted November 13, 2021 Stay out of her phone. You really have issues you need to deal with. 1
spiderowl Posted November 15, 2021 Posted November 15, 2021 (edited) This is a difficult situation. I think that she still went ahead and booked it, knowing you would be unhappy, is a sign you two are not compatible. She has not given enough consideration to your feelings. She is effectively saying 'this is the situation, take it or leave it'. I think most committed couples would find it odd for one partner to go away without them for that length of time for a holiday. Unless you were working or something and you agreed you would be spending time apart sometimes because of heavy work schedules, it seems odd. If it was a holiday where she would be going to do something specific that she loves and you don't, like horse riding or canoeing or something, then that would be fair enough. Even though you are together most of the time, you still have different hobbies. However, it would be considerate of her to discuss such a holiday with you so that you knew all about it and were happy for her to take that time away. Of course, as you know, you can't stop her, she's not your possession, but you don't sound the kind of guy who would be overly possessive anyway. You are feeling hurt because she does not seem to care about how you and is not including you. I think that is understandable. Maybe you would be better off with a girlfriend who was more cliquey with you and less of an adventurous person. Edited November 15, 2021 by spiderowl 2
Wiseman2 Posted November 15, 2021 Posted November 15, 2021 (edited) On 11/14/2021 at 10:17 AM, Crazelnut said: Stay out of her phone. You really have issues you need to deal with. Agree. [ ] She's going on vacation with friends. So what? She may want to get away for a while and that's good. If you have a tendency to get drunk and sloppy, babysitting you on vacation seems like a drag. Try out AA, see if sobriety would help you. It will certainly help the ED. Don't wait until your liver is hanging by a thread. Edited November 15, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator civility
Killian898 Posted November 18, 2021 Posted November 18, 2021 (edited) This may not be what you want to hear, but I think that’s there’s a high likelihood that she’ll be out hitting the bars and clubs on the trip with her BFF partner in crime. All of those bars & clubs will be full of groups of buff guys full of testosterone and all out there to party and pick up women. Nobody will be around to witness anything and no news is ever going to get back to you. And her BFF is certainly not going to spill any beans. What happens on tour stays on tour etc. Safe in that knowledge she will act accordingly. You know her better than anyone on here; given those conditions what do you think is likely going to happen? If she was heading away on a more sedate vacation to relax and recharge in a nice little quiet farmhouse in the French countryside, or perhaps with her parents or other family to spend some quality time together then that’d be a different kettle of fish. But that isn’t we we have on our hands here and I’d be concerned also. Me personally I’d end it, particularly taking into account the way it was arranged etc., but then again I’m kind of rash and have a really low tolerance for these sort of things. Edited November 18, 2021 by Killian898 1
Calmandfocused Posted November 18, 2021 Posted November 18, 2021 7 minutes ago, Killian898 said: This may not be what you want to hear, but I think that’s there’s a high likelihood that she’ll be out hitting the bars and clubs on the trip with her BFF partner in crime. All of those bars & clubs will be full of groups of buff guys full of testosterone and all out there to party and pick up women. Nobody will be around to witness anything and no news is ever going to get back to you. And her BFF is certainly not going to spill any beans. What happens on tour stays on tour etc. Safe in that knowledge she will act accordingly. Killian, my thoughts exactly. I wasn’t going to say anything as I didn’t want to jump to negative conclusions. However my sense is that she’s doing this because she wants some freedom. She wants a break from the constraints of a relationship. The friend is single presumably? 2
Girl Fade Away Posted November 18, 2021 Posted November 18, 2021 25 minutes ago, Killian898 said: This may not be what you want to hear, but I think that’s there’s a high likelihood that she’ll be out hitting the bars and clubs on the trip with her BFF partner in crime. All of those bars & clubs will be full of groups of buff guys full of testosterone and all out there to party and pick up women. Nobody will be around to witness anything and no news is ever going to get back to you. I agree with you! And I think the same would happen if she took a week long vacay with a female friend too. I recall feeling suffocated in a relationship and my best girlfriend and I went on vacay to Martinique. It was an escape and I DID end up meeting a man there, several actually. I broke up with my boyfriend at the time shortly after my return. Where there is smoke there is fire. 25 minutes ago, Killian898 said: If she was heading away on a more sedate vacation to relax and recharge in a nice little quiet farmhouse in the French countryside... That sounds so lovely right about now!! More my style these days. 1
LatinCoffee Posted November 18, 2021 Posted November 18, 2021 On 11/12/2021 at 5:00 AM, Wiseman2 said: Ok. Use your free time to research where you would like to go for a week and plan it for the two of you. Why can't you plan and book things if that's what you want? Agreed. Plan a getaway for both of you to spark up the relationship. 1
LatinCoffee Posted November 18, 2021 Posted November 18, 2021 (edited) 5 hours ago, Lewis321 said: On 11/12/2021 at 7:36 AM, Grey40 said: No not really, the problem is she’s just too nice sometimes. Like she’ll allow guys to flirt and escalate with her (especially when drunk) and won’t say “hey I have a boyfriend” or tell them to stop or that it’s inappropriate. She won’t reciprocate but she’s not very good at standing her ground in those situations. She also gets extra horny when drunk, so combine those two together and the fact she’ll be on an island and in the moment. I just hate that fact. And I feel like If something does happen, she’ll be totally fine hiding it and so will her friend. She def would never admit if something does happen and she’s good at hiding her guilt most of the time. i do have trust issues and was cheated on in a previous relationship, so clearly those things are coming into play. It’s not so much I don’t trust her but I don’t trust guys, and there will be plenty down there willing to take advantage of the situation @Grey40 You don't trust her. The guys will always be there flirting with her but it's up to her to advise them that she has a boyfriend and respect herself and you as well. Have you sat down and spoke to her about this? If there is no trust nor communication, this will become an ongoing issue whether she is travelling in the same city. Edited November 18, 2021 by LatinCoffee
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