Gf Going on vacation with Gay Male Friend

[Gaeta]

8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

If she hasn't cheated on you in 1.5 years, she doesn't need a trip to do so. 

Maybe she has not because he was there guarding her. OP said she gets horny when drunk and let men come on to her. 

 

[usa1ah]

44 minutes ago, Grey40 said:

I told her exactly that and she said we can still plan a trip together this year wherever I want just not right after this one obviously, maybe like 6 months after she returns 

So a trip in the next year is not happening. She would rather spend her vacation time for the next year with him and not you. That says quite a bit, I am sure she would be glad to go on one with you as long as you paid for everything. 

[usa1ah]

11 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Agree. It seems like she views you as a party-pooper. If she hasn't cheated on you in 1.5 years, she doesn't need a trip to do so. It does sound like she wants to get away from you. The break will do both of you some good, time to reflect.

Because OP has been mate guarding. He won’t be there on the trip. 

[JRabbit]

1 hour ago, Grey40 said:

The trip is like 6 months from now

oh I didn't realize it was so far away. That slightly changes it that she didn't tell you. Not why you can't go though.

I can't get that part. Why can't you go and just hang alone while she does her "girl" thing...whatever that means.

Seems weird to prioritize a long trip with a friend you only see every now and then.

OP I need a travel buddy if you want to go on a friends only trip hahaha

 

Edited November 12, 2021 by JRabbit

[vla1120]

3 hours ago, Grey40 said:

Like she’ll allow guys to flirt and escalate with her (especially when drunk) and won’t say “hey I have a boyfriend” or tell them to stop or that it’s inappropriate. She won’t reciprocate but she’s not very good at standing her ground in those situations. She also gets extra horny when drunk, so combine those two together and the fact she’ll be on an island and in the moment. I just hate that fact. And I feel like If something does happen, she’ll be totally fine hiding it and so will her friend. She def would never admit if something does happen and she’s good at hiding her guilt most of the time. 

Ouch. Yeah. That doesn't seem like a good scenario for an 8-day beach trip without you. In this scenario, you have valid concerns. Are you sure this is someone with whom you want to be in a committed relationship? 

[dramafreezone]

29 minutes ago, vla1120 said:

2. You either trust her or you don't. Clubbing, drinking, dancing and "letting" guys potentially hit on her/the temptation to cheat could happen anywhere, not just a "girls" trip. Again, in his company, she will probably be safer than if she were with females only.

You have to decide if the real issue is her going on vacation without you, and it does seem as though she was pretty dismissive about your feelings (unless she feels it is more an attempt to control than out of concern?)

Again, this is what I find most concerning.

A lack of consideration for his feelings is the seed for anything else bad that can happen (like cheating).  I think anyone is capable of cheating, but someone that doesn't care about your feelings is obviously far more likely to cheat or just disrespect you repeatedly.  OP has obviously allowed it so it's just going to continue until he makes it known that this all stops or he's gone.

OP I think it's obvious that she doesn't fear losing you.  You may have talked about your discontent, but it doesn't mean anything if you're not willing to act on it.  Her behavior needs to stop or you need to walk away.  Until then she'll do anything she wants and she's daring you to do something about it.

Edited November 12, 2021 by dramafreezone

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Grey40 said:

 The trip is like 6 months from now

Perhaps you won't be together by then. If you are going to wear each other down about it, it will never last. She's going, you're not and angry about that, so it's an impasse.

[usa1ah]

30 minutes ago, Grey40 said:

Yeah it happens often, doesn’t mean it always does though. I’m not sure what to do here. This is pretty rough right now. everyone in here is making good points. 

It depends on “your” boundaries in a relationship. If this is a no go for you, then stand up for you you think or believe. Don’t compromise who you are in a relationship. 
 

6 months until their vacation, 6 months til she would be able to do one with you will be a year+ before the two of you can take a similar vacation. This speaks volumes about how much she values time with you. 

[Grey40]

17 minutes ago, usa1ah said:

It depends on “your” boundaries in a relationship. If this is a no go for you, then stand up for you you think or believe. Don’t compromise who you are in a relationship. 
 

6 months until their vacation, 6 months til she would be able to do one with you will be a year+ before the two of you can take a similar vacation. This speaks volumes about how much she values time with you. 

We’ll 6 months if we’re talking a tropical island type trip. If we do a cheaper kind of getaway that can happen whenever

[Grey40]

42 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Maybe she has not because he was there guarding her. OP said she gets horny when drunk and let men come on to her. 

 

To be fair I wouldn’t say she lets guys “come on” to her, but she’s not the type that’s going to push them away and be very stern about it. She’ll go with the flow and try to brush it off, but thirsty dudes are persistent and if she’s the type that buckles Easy under pressure. Her friend pressured her to do this trip she can’t afford, lined up an Airbnb and sent it to her and she easily gave in. That kind of stuff. I don’t think anything that could happen would be intentional, but she’s not good with peer pressure. 

Edited November 12, 2021 by Grey40

[Crazelnut]

Wow. It is perfectly reasonable, normal, and healthy for a person to want to take a trip or do things apart from their partner! Not allowing it or treating it as rejection or being overanxious about potential cheating says more about you than it does about her.  Everyone, except the codependent or super clingy, NEEDS time away from a partner. 

IMO, you need to either trust her or just break up. Are you now or have you previously worked with a therapist to address your trust issues?

[Crazelnut]

6 minutes ago, Grey40 said:

We’ll 6 months if we’re talking a tropical island type trip. If we do a cheaper kind of getaway that can happen whenever

How much have you two traveled together?

[dramafreezone]

17 minutes ago, Crazelnut said:

Wow. It is perfectly reasonable, normal, and healthy for a person to want to take a trip or do things apart from their partner! Not allowing it or treating it as rejection or being overanxious about potential cheating says more about you than it does about her.  Everyone, except the codependent or super clingy, NEEDS time away from a partner. 

IMO, you need to either trust her or just break up. Are you now or have you previously worked with a therapist to address your trust issues?

Well, I don't know how long they've been dating.  But I think in the BF/GF stage I find it a bit strange that one wants to take a vacation away from the other.  That's usually time where couples want to spend together.  Additionally she doesn't really care if it upsets him or not.  Married for 20-30 years, absolutely very healthy.  If they've been dating for 1-2 years, red flag to me.

There is a lack of respect from her to him, IMO.

Edited November 12, 2021 by dramafreezone

[Grey40]

38 minutes ago, Crazelnut said:

How much have you two traveled together?

A lot. And honestly we’re together all the time. We basically see each other 4 days a week most times, and we are always doing stuff together. We’ve been on probably 5-6 mini trips. (3-4 days each). So it’s possible this is just a genuine “hey, I really just need some time away from you to be myself for once, abd this has nothing to do with wanting to cheat or because I don’t want you there. This is for me to just take a breather.” 

once again, I have 0 worries about the two of them doing anything. They’ve been friends since middle school, and he’s been openly gay since like freshman year in high school. Any kind of “activity” they did happened years and years ago if at all. It’s the other half naked dudes at clubs that I’m worried about. I’m not sure if this guy will respect our relationship and make sure nothing happens or if he’ll just let her do whatever she wants. But I guess what some people said makes sense. The only two options are: trust her or break up. Because she’s not canceling the trip and there’s not much else to do. 
 

I do think it was inconsiderate towards me and my feelings, but at the same time I’ve been inconsiderate to her at times (she has caught me several times sifting through her phone) and she’s let that slide, even though she got mad about it. So I haven’t been a Saint in this relationship either. Like some have said, this is a good test. If anything does happen, then I was right and it’s over. But if nothing happens, it might just further strengthen the trust and the bond between us. 
 

Me being upset and angry about it is only going to make her want to cheat and act out more so.

Edited November 12, 2021 by Grey40

[dramafreezone]

Well that information changes things a bit.  Yes both of you need time apart from each other.  Feelings grow in our absence, especially early on in a relationship.  But why can't you just take a few days off while at home?  You stay at your place for a few days, she stays at hers.  That's how most couples get space.

If you continue to be around her all the time, it's smothering the attraction.  You keep up with it you'll snuff the attraction out permanently.

I would say her attraction has already dropped some because she said she's going on this trip whether you like it or not.  But you do bear some responsibility here if you've made her the center of your life.  I don't think any woman wants to be that to a man.

What do you do for fun?  Hobbies?  Friends?  Don't be the guy that gets a GF and she becomes the purpose in your life.

Edited November 12, 2021 by dramafreezone

[Acacia98]

You can't always be there, can't always protect her from peer pressure. So you need to allow her to be who she is. If that means she gets "pressured" to cheat on you, so be it. The whole point of dating someone is to get to know them as they truly are and to figure out whether you're right for each other. That's what's happening now. As frightening as it may feel, don't interfere with the process. You've already expressed your concerns. If her going is a dealbreaker, break up with her now. If it isn't, let her take the trip. Focus on observing what happens. See what her actions tell you about her and your relationship.

[Lotsgoingon]

I'm not sure the issue here is the trip. The issue here is you don't feel safe with her. If this trip didn't trip your fear wire, then another event would.

You early on mention that you worry about guys hitting on her. OK, there's the problem right there. That has nothing to do with this trip. Let's swap out the gay male friend for a female friend. Sounds like you would still be worried about her being hit on if she were traveling with a woman friend. 

Women do get hit on. So I'm not sure why that would upset you except, though you may deny it, you apparently don't trust her. One of my exes went on a three-week vacation with her family in another country, where her family owned a beach home. I didn't go because I was working that summer.  I didn't get the slightest bit worried about her being hit on. And that's because I trusted her and felt safe in the relationship. Our relationship had other problems, but trust in this way wasn't one of them.

Your gf could also be sending you a passive-aggressive signal that she wants to be more free than you're comfortable with. Not free as in sexually free to sleep with whoever, but free as in she wants to indulge her interests to do things that have nothing to do with you, do things without you.

Her not sharing this plan with you ahead of time, yes that is a red flag. I mean, I encouraged my ex to go away for three weeks without me, because I knew it would be great for her, and she'd been sharing all along--as plans gradually got formulated with her family--the possibility of going away. 

You do not feel secure in this relationship. Trust that. That's a major red flag. Major. Has NOTHING to do with her going with gay male friend. 

 

 

[glows]

It's disturbing that you feel you have to go through her phone. You do have trust issues but that may also be from dating someone incompatible with you. It keeps reinforcing itself and you keep distrusting her and disregarding personal boundaries like basic privacy and phone use. If you're not trusting her in her daily or regular communications, anything outside of the norm like a trip with a friend will also cause great anxiety. 

Here's a few suggestions - develop your friendships outside of the relationship, do not go through each others' phones, establish trust between the both of you or at least determine whether you are compatible in the long run. 

I think she is fed up with you, to be frank. Feels like tremendous resentment under the surface and she's looking for ways to feel free because she doesn't feel free around you or able to be herself. This in turn ends up looking and seeming like she disregards your feelings and is untrustworthy. What a terrible cycle to be trapped in. 

[Grey40]

40 minutes ago, glows said:

It's disturbing that you feel you have to go through her phone. You do have trust issues but that may also be from dating someone incompatible with you. It keeps reinforcing itself and you keep distrusting her and disregarding personal boundaries like basic privacy and phone use. If you're not trusting her in her daily or regular communications, anything outside of the norm like a trip with a friend will also cause great anxiety. 

Here's a few suggestions - develop your friendships outside of the relationship, do not go through each others' phones, establish trust between the both of you or at least determine whether you are compatible in the long run. 

I think she is fed up with you, to be frank. Feels like tremendous resentment under the surface and she's looking for ways to feel free because she doesn't feel free around you or able to be herself. This in turn ends up looking and seeming like she disregards your feelings and is untrustworthy. What a terrible cycle to be trapped in. 

I think that’s extreme. I agree with everything except that she’s fed up. I think she “will” be fed up if I don’t chill out though. 

[dramafreezone]

38 minutes ago, glows said:

I think she is fed up with you, to be frank. Feels like tremendous resentment under the surface and she's looking for ways to feel free because she doesn't feel free around you or able to be herself. This in turn ends up looking and seeming like she disregards your feelings and is untrustworthy. What a terrible cycle to be trapped in. 

Well she is disregarding his feelings, I don't think it only appears like she is.  But that could be because she is feeling suffocated.  I think both sides are to blame.

OP needs to give her space and see if the behavior changes.  But it's up to her to communicate better.  Some people just think that the other person should be able to read their minds.

[glows]

I don't think anyone is to blame. Just stop the cycle altogether or "chill out". If you cannot that is a huge sign that you're incompatible. It's not worth it dating someone who constantly grates on your nerves (this goes for anyone).

[Grey40]

I just had a talk with her about it all, saying I was sorry for overreacting and being insecure about it. And she said she was sorry for not being upfront about things as well abd that she wants to work on making me feel I can trust her more. Whatever it takes. She’s says i can ask her to look through her phone whenever and I don’t need to go behind her back to do it. And I told her she can be upfront on things she wants to do without worrying about me blowing it up or getting upset. I told her that she should have a great time on the trip and that I’ll find something productive to do that week. I’ll stay vigilant and keep an eye out for stuff, but I feel breaking up over this is kind of petty. And if I can’t trust her now, then can I ever?

[glows]

2 minutes ago, Grey40 said:

I just had a talk with her about it all, saying I was sorry for overreacting and being insecure about it. And she said she was sorry for not being upfront about things as well abd that she wants to work on making me feel I can trust her more. Whatever it takes. She’s says i can ask her to look through her phone whenever and I don’t need to go behind her back to do it. And I told her she can be upfront on things she wants to do without worrying about me blowing it up or getting upset. I told her that she should have a great time on the trip and that I’ll find something productive to do that week. I’ll stay vigilant and keep an eye out for stuff, but I feel breaking up over this is kind of petty. And if I can’t trust her now, then can I ever?

It's a start. The staying vigilant and keeping an eye out - is it about her drinking or partying lifestyle? It's preemptively expecting her to screw up. It is a negative source to be around. Can you alter this?

[Grey40]

15 minutes ago, glows said:

It's a start. The staying vigilant and keeping an eye out - is it about her drinking or partying lifestyle? It's preemptively expecting her to screw up. It is a negative source to be around. Can you alter this?

No not at all. She barley ever goes out ever. She’s always with me. I mean like when she’s on the trip and when she returns. She’s not a partier. The more I think about it the more I think I’m overreacting and making things worse. Yes she should have at least consulted me, but I’m starting to think that the reason she didn’t want to invite me is because I’ve been rather clingy as of late. So I think easing back a bit will do wonders. She also knows when I drink I can’t control myself and I get out of control, and she doesn’t want to go on a vacation with someone who might get sloppy or become a liability. I’ve been working on it, but she knows that I have a trouble knowing my limits. 

Edited November 12, 2021 by Grey40

[Lotsgoingon]

I agree: staying vigilant just shows how spectacularly unsafe the relationship and/or how spectacularly insecure you are. BTW: an unsafe relationship breeds insecurity.  We feel insecure for good reason. 

Vigilant about what? You don't want to be with someone you have to be vigilant about! That's the whole point of an exclusive relationship. You can turn off that vigilance absent major evidence to the contrary. In a good relationship you know you can stay connected emotionally with the person even if they're away on a trip, particularly these days with apps you can communicate on for free from anywhere. 

Oh and these words, dude, are completely fake. Many of us have spoken similarly fake words--so no harsh judgment intended. But you should know these words are as a fake as a 6-dollar bill. And I told her she can be upfront on things she wants to do without worrying about me blowing it up or getting upset. I told her that she should have a great time on the trip and that I’ll find something productive to do that week. 

A more honest answer would be that you will PRETEND that you want her to have a good time and you'll act like you hope she has a good time because you want to also pretend that you're secre and that you are comfortable in the relationship. Pretend, pretend, pretend, pretend.

You have avoided all the real issues here.  Why don't you trust her to say no to men who show an interest in her?  Indeed, a guy can hit on her without this trip, at her job, at the grocery store, walking down the street--right now. 

You should dump anyone you cannot trust. 

 

Edited November 12, 2021 by Lotsgoingon