Gf Going on vacation with Gay Male Friend

[elaine567]

By what you say, he wanted to go, she said yes and she was the one excluding you, making it friends only...
She was also the one hiding it, until it was a fait accompli.

I think you have a problem in your relationship.

[Grey40]

2 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

You and her do not share the same core value. It cannot work long term. 

I would not go on a trip with a gay-male-friend...I would not date a man that thinks it's ok to go on a trip with a gay-male-friend. 

Perhaps what I’m worried about. Everything else about the relationship has been really great and I really saw this going for the long haul finally. But now I’m starting to have doubts 

[Grey40]

1 minute ago, elaine567 said:

By what you say, he wanted to go, she said yes and she was the one excluding you, making it friends only...
She was also the one hiding it, until it was a fait accompli.

I think you have a problem in your relationship.

What kind of problem?

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Grey40 said:

i do have trust issues and was cheated on in a previous relationship. It’s not so much I don’t trust her but I don’t trust guys.

How long have you been dating? You don't trust her und fortunately because of past baggage. If your relationship was ok, this wouldn't be an issue. Combine that with your parents attitudes and "approval" and it sounds like you two are simply not compatible. Perhaps reflect while she's away and consider dating someone you trust.

[Grey40]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

How long have you been dating? You don't trust her und fortunately because of past baggage. If your relationship was ok, this wouldn't be an issue. Combine that with your parents attitudes and "approval" and it sounds like you two are simply not compatible. Perhaps reflect while she's away and consider dating someone you trust.

Dating about 15 months, The problem is I’m not sure I will easily trust anyone honestly. There might be women who will make me feel more at ease about it; but ultimately I think it’s an internal problem with myself. 

Edited November 12, 2021 by Grey40

[elaine567]

7 minutes ago, Grey40 said:

What kind of problem?

Trust for one.
You don't trust her with other guys  and she has to hide her intentions as she doesn't trust you to not blow up or not allow her to go.. 
I guess there is actually some variation of GIGS going on here.
She likely feels a bit trapped and wants to spread her wings.

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, Grey40 said:

The problem is I’m not sure I will easily trust anyone honestly. There might be women who will make me feel more at ease about it; but ultimately I think it’s an internal problem with myself. 

Agree. You can't keep punishing yourself and anyone you date because of 'trust issues". It comes off as controlling and insecure.

[Ami1uwant]

If she was going with a female friend what would you do?

[Grey40]

15 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

I think the focus is that she's going to have fun with this friend, and not a bunch of guys. They are going to be dancing, and drinking together, and go sightseeing. I think it will be safer for her going with this gay man, than with a female. She will get his male attention, and he will be probably batting the guys away from her. If they go to a gay bar, even better right?

I mean these are good points for sure. I’m not sure if he would bat people away, but I know he would’ve repulsed by having an annoying straight guy trying to ruin their night. They also said they have some excursions planned —like snorkeling, fish seeing etc. so it’s not all clubbing and dancing either. But to say I’m not jealous that she’s ok blowing money to do that stuff with him instead of me, I’d be lying. 
 

she also said she’s almost broke but clearly is willing to drop money on a trip. She said he paid for eveyrthjng up front sand she’s gonna save up and pay as it gets closer

[FMW]

2 minutes ago, Grey40 said:

but ultimately I think it’s an internal problem with myself. 

That's great that you are introspective enough to recognize it.  We all have baggage and need to own our own part of things.  Don't ignore warning flags or feelings, but don't jump to immediate conclusions either.   

Work on being very clear in your communication with each other.  Neither of you should be hiding things, you should face things directly and communicate, no matter how uncomfortable it might be.  You cannot be expected to trust her if she hides things and avoids difficult conversations.  If she regularly communicated her feelings you wouldn't be left to wonder what her motivations are.   

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, Grey40 said:

[]

You seem in line with your parents on your beliefs. Why not date more conservative women?

Edited November 13, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
deleted quoted post

[Grey40]

1 minute ago, FMW said:

That's great that you are introspective enough to recognize it.  We all have baggage and need to own our own part of things.  Don't ignore warning flags or feelings, but don't jump to immediate conclusions either.   

Work on being very clear in your communication with each other.  Neither of you should be hiding things, you should face things directly and communicate, no matter how uncomfortable it might be.  You cannot be expected to trust her if she hides things and avoids difficult conversations.  If she regularly communicated her feelings you wouldn't be left to wonder what her motivations are.   

That’s essentially it. She can’t trust that I won’t blow up get mad and make a scene. And I can’t trust her because she’s proven to have lied and hidden things before. We talked about this how we both need to stop being shady and be more open and upfront about things. 

[Grey40]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

You seem in line with your parents on your beliefs. Why not date more conservative women?

I never thought she would think this kind of a trip is ok. She said she’s done this many times before in the past and her previous BFs never had a problem with it and that she was in contact with them the whole time she was away—called them every night.  She thinks it’s strange that I find it red flaggy. To her it’s an innocent trip with her friend. He begged her to go and wants her to experience it and she knows bringing me along would make him a third wheel and change the dynamic. 

[elaine567]

I think if my bf of 15 months decided to blow his money on the trip of a lifetime that I was excluded from, he would have to have a very good explanation for going, otherwise it would be over.
The fact she is blowing all her cash and some on this, means a trip with you this year is probably no longer feasible either...

[Grey40]

Apparently they asked a couple of orher girls, one said she wanted to bring her bf to which my gf replied “hmm that’s a shame she wants to bring him” . She’s dead set on this being a “get away from your SO” trip. That’s what bothers me

[Grey40]

Just now, elaine567 said:

I think if my bf of 15 months decided to blow his money on the trip of a lifetime that I was excluded from, he would have to have a very good explanation for going, otherwise it would be over.
The fact she is blowing all her cash and some on this, means a trip with you this year is probably no longer feasible either...

I told her exactly that and she said we can still plan a trip together this year wherever I want just not right after this one obviously, maybe like 6 months after she returns 

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, Grey40 said:

She said she’s done this many times before in the past and her previous BFs never had a problem with it and that she was in contact with them the whole time she was away—called them every night.  She thinks it’s strange that I find it red flaggy. To her it’s an innocent trip with her friend. 

At some point you'll have to admit you're incompatible. You're right. She sees it as a trip with friends that she has the money and freedom to go on. You see it as a cover for nefarious behavior. End it. Not because of this trip, but because it's a sign that you are not compatible with more open minded thinking such as hers. Plus, you don't trust her.  

[Gaeta]

To me she is reasoning like a 20 year old. There is a lack of emotional maturity here.

[usa1ah]

1 hour ago, Grey40 said:

She wouldn’t be bothered by it, she said if I wanted to do the same thing she would be happy for me. But I wouldn’t go on an 8 day vacation with just one of my friends, If there weren’t at least 3-4 people I don’t see how it would be fun for just the two of them. And yea I have caught her lying in the past when exes have contacted her, though once she got caught she blocked them without questioning and admitted it was wrong to engage with them. 

I just worry that this is just a way for her to get away from me and “go wild” aka be promiscuous in another part of the world without my knowledge and she can justify it in her mind as “I was on a once in a lifetime vacation”. But I guess you’re right, people are who they are. She’s either gonna screw things up or she won’t. 

I just don’t feel great at all about it, feel sick to my stomach. I feel like other women wouldn’t even think twice to go on a major vacation like that without their bf..like wouldn’t they be excited to want to do that with them? I understand it’s healthy to see other friends but 8 days is a super long trip. I find it hard to believe there’s not some other motive

 

So she has done shady things in the past and you know what she is capable of doing. You know exactly what is going to happen when she is there. They will pick up a couple of guys and have a go at it. 
 

 

[dramafreezone]

5 hours ago, Grey40 said:

am I being insecure about this whole thing? Should I feel ok about them going? Is it ok that even though she knew for a fact booking this with just the two of them was going to bother me and hurt, she did it anyway? Need some guidance or reassurance. Thanks. 

I would be more concerned that my GF doesn't want me to go on a trip with her.  Whether it was another woman or a gay male doesn't matter much to me.

I get it if you two were married for 30-40 years and you take a separate vacation occasionally.  I think that can be healthy.  But a GF taking a vacation without you?  Doesn't sound good to me.

Doesn't sound like she cares very much if it upsets you.  That would be more concerning to me then anything else.  Maybe this relationship has run its course.  This may be a jarring statement, but I don't think she respects you quite honestly.  Someone that respects you would go to great measures not to upset you.  If she doesn't respect you she can't love you.

You seem to be worried about cheating.  If she wanted to cheat, she would do so and you would never know about it. 

The lack of consideration for your feelings is something that I can clearly see, and you should see it and determine if this is something that you want to deal with from here on out.

Edited November 12, 2021 by dramafreezone

[usa1ah]

5 hours ago, Grey40 said:

Good points. The reason she didn’t want to ask me is because she wanted it to be a “girls only” kind of thing, without SO. The trip was her friends idea, and she thought it would be rude to have me there and him be a third wheel. It just bothers me she booked this behind my back and waited to tell me because she knew fully well I wouldn’t be ok with it. Not to mention when my parents find out they’re going to think I should leave her (they’re very conservative and think gay people are using gay as a cover to hook up, and that it’s a red flag it’s just the two of them and I’m not included). 

This isn’t a girl’s only thing. It’s your girlfriend with a gay man. Just the two of them. They will be picking up guys together or just trying each other out. 

[Grey40]

1 minute ago, usa1ah said:

This isn’t a girl’s only thing. It’s your girlfriend with a gay man. Just the two of them. They will be picking up guys together or just trying each other out. 

Lol well there’s certainly a wide gammut of opinions on here

[vla1120]

5 hours ago, Grey40 said:

he’s def 100% gay and not at all interested in a romantic way, so that doesn’t bother me but I’m still worried about it just being them and her potentially clubbing, drinking dancing and letting guys potentially hit on her and the temptation to cheat when she’s away.

1. I'd be more comfortable with her being on vacation with another man (knowing that there is no risk of the two of them being involved) than if she were with female friends only. I think she'll be safer with him.

2. You either trust her or you don't. Clubbing, drinking, dancing and "letting" guys potentially hit on her/the temptation to cheat could happen anywhere, not just a "girls" trip. Again, in his company, she will probably be safer than if she were with females only.

You have to decide if the real issue is her going on vacation without you, and it does seem as though she was pretty dismissive about your feelings (unless she feels it is more an attempt to control than out of concern?)

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, vla1120 said:

You have to decide if the real issue is her going on vacation without you, and it does seem as though she was pretty dismissive about your feelings (unless she feels it is more an attempt to control than out of concern?)

Agree. It seems like she views you as a party-pooper. If she hasn't cheated on you in 1.5 years, she doesn't need a trip to do so. It does sound like she wants to get away from you. The break will do both of you some good, time to reflect.

Edited November 12, 2021 by Wiseman2

[FMW]

8 days does seems a little excessive.  A friend getaway is usually a long weekend.