argoscard1999 Posted November 12, 2021 Posted November 12, 2021 There is no understanding someone like this. There will be no "aha!" moment where you finally understand all of his behaviour - he's abusive, and trying to understand his motives is pointless, as most of us don't operate like this with our partners and people we care about. It can seem addicting, and difficult to get out of a dynamic like this - and often, they'll turn around and be really nice to us, and we think we've finally 'won'.. until the next incident. Then, you become trapped in a constant state of anxiety, worrying about this and that, trying not to make him upset - and he'll find something to get upset about, anyway. There will never be a time where you will be able to successfully stop 'annoying' him, because the very point of the abuse is to control you and manipulate you. I dated someone like this a couple of years ago. Started off well. Within two months I was being criticised for everything I did - I was snapped at for not saying "bye" in the 'right' tone at the end of phone calls, for example... and for not being quick enough to choose a sandwich at a grocery store, on one occasion. It was a nightmare. I developed anxiety, insomnia, depression... all because of this one person. I know we're just people on the internet, and your life is yours.. but please if you can, just get out of this. It will only get worse. 6 1
Girl Fade Away Posted November 12, 2021 Posted November 12, 2021 (edited) 19 minutes ago, argoscard1999 said: There is no understanding someone like this. There will be no "aha!" moment where you finally understand all of his behaviour - he's abusive, and trying to understand his motives is pointless, as most of us don't operate like this with our partners and people we care about. It can seem addicting, and difficult to get out of a dynamic like this - and often, they'll turn around and be really nice to us, and we think we've finally 'won'.. until the next incident. Then, you become trapped in a constant state of anxiety, worrying about this and that, trying not to make him upset - and he'll find something to get upset about, anyway. There will never be a time where you will be able to successfully stop 'annoying' him, because the very point of the abuse is to control you and manipulate you. I dated someone like this a couple of years ago. Started off well. Within two months I was being criticised for everything I did - I was snapped at for not saying "bye" in the 'right' tone at the end of phone calls, for example... and for not being quick enough to choose a sandwich at a grocery store, on one occasion. It was a nightmare. I developed anxiety, insomnia, depression... all because of this one person. I know we're just people on the internet, and your life is yours.. but please if you can, just get out of this. It will only get worse. @argoscard1999 I am sorry you experienced that and thank you for posting. It is an important post that everyone who has or is being mistreated or abused by their partner should read. I am tempted to cut and paste to another poster's thread but I was not sure if appropriate. But I think he might benefit from reading also. @Rubina, I am also sorry you are experiencing. It is difficult to know what is happening when we are in the midst of it, but I hope you will acknowledge @argoscard1999's above post and get out now before it escalates which it typically does. Edited November 12, 2021 by Girl Fade Away 1 1
argoscard1999 Posted November 12, 2021 Posted November 12, 2021 @Girl Fade Away - feel free to cut and paste, I also believe everyone should be made aware of these forms of abuse, as much as possible. 2
Girl Fade Away Posted November 12, 2021 Posted November 12, 2021 4 minutes ago, argoscard1999 said: @Girl Fade Away - feel free to cut and paste, I also believe everyone should be made aware of these forms of abuse, as much as possible. Thank you but I am no longer posting on that thread. My posts have been criticized and challenged by other posters and therefore it is of no good use to continue posting there, my opinions are not appreciated. I do hope however the poster will read, again I think it is important. 2 1
Angelle Posted November 12, 2021 Posted November 12, 2021 13 minutes ago, Girl Fade Away said: Thank you but I am no longer posting on that thread. My posts have been criticized and challenged by other posters and therefore it is of no good use to continue posting there, my opinions are not appreciated. I do hope however the poster will read, again I think it is important. I don't think that anyone criticizing, thought that poster should continue with the relationship. 1 2
Author Rubina Posted November 13, 2021 Author Posted November 13, 2021 14 hours ago, argoscard1999 said: There is no understanding someone like this. There will be no "aha!" moment where you finally understand all of his behaviour - he's abusive, and trying to understand his motives is pointless, as most of us don't operate like this with our partners and people we care about. It can seem addicting, and difficult to get out of a dynamic like this - and often, they'll turn around and be really nice to us, and we think we've finally 'won'.. until the next incident. Then, you become trapped in a constant state of anxiety, worrying about this and that, trying not to make him upset - and he'll find something to get upset about, anyway. There will never be a time where you will be able to successfully stop 'annoying' him, because the very point of the abuse is to control you and manipulate you. I dated someone like this a couple of years ago. Started off well. Within two months I was being criticised for everything I did - I was snapped at for not saying "bye" in the 'right' tone at the end of phone calls, for example... and for not being quick enough to choose a sandwich at a grocery store, on one occasion. It was a nightmare. I developed anxiety, insomnia, depression... all because of this one person. I know we're just people on the internet, and your life is yours.. but please if you can, just get out of this. It will only get worse. Thank you so much for sharing your story, this is very helpful for me. I’m struggling. I know this guy is bad news for me and I see his behavior is weird, controlling and manipulating. On the other had he brings out my fears of being rejected and abondement. It’s crazy.
Gaeta Posted November 13, 2021 Posted November 13, 2021 32 minutes ago, Rubina said: Thank you so much for sharing your story, this is very helpful for me. I’m struggling. I know this guy is bad news for me and I see his behavior is weird, controlling and manipulating. On the other had he brings out my fears of being rejected and abondement. It’s crazy. So it's gonna suck to drop him and you'll have to deal with your own demons which are fear of rejection and abandonment. Rubina: What's the alternative here? Do not be one of those women that waste their best years in an abusive relationship. Don't kid yourself, this will end, it can end now, or it will end in 10 years with your dignity completely destroyed. Longer you wait, harder it will be. Men like him know exactly what they're doing. You are not his first victim. Men like him seek women like you because a woman knowing her worth would never put up with his behavior. Give yourself a gift that will last a life time, seek a support group, go to therapy, read books on abuse and empowerment. If you don't get on top of this you will only go from one abusive relationship to another. 1
Taramere Posted November 13, 2021 Posted November 13, 2021 On 11/10/2021 at 6:50 PM, Rubina said: Anyway since monday he is giving me the Silent treatment. I sent him yesterday one message Just to say hi and tell him I hope he is okay And that I will be happy to hear from him. He didn’t open my message and today the whole day he didn’t came online on social media and whatsapp. He didn’t block me and he is normaly a very active Guy on social media. So it was very weird he didn’t come online anywhere. I’m a bit worried now, but not sure if I should go an find out if he is okay or that this is part of his way to punnish me for my “mistake”. What should I do? There's nothing you can do except remind yourself that this behaviour is his issue not yours and have no further dealings with him. I've an ex male friend who did this to me and has done it to a lot of other people. He's been known to go for years without speaking to some of his family members. After getting on his wrong side, I was subjected to a torrent of abuse filled and demands that I never contact him again. Naturally I was more than happy to comply with those demands, and blocked him from being able to contact me. Now, I have to deal with him taking walks past my home on a daily basis and often find myself having to take detours home when I see him from a distance. On the occasions I'm not able to do that, he glowers at me as he walks past. At first I would get nervous and start fiddling with my phone. Now it's progressed to a point where I can just walk past him as if he wasn't there.. I suspect he was livid to realise, after burning his bridges with me, that I was quite content to leave them burned down...so taking regular walks in the vicinity of my home is likely his way of trying to keep some control. Which unfortunately does have some effect since I have to put effort into actively avoiding him. If this guy you're talking about can manage to maintain his passive aggressive games and just stays away from you permanently, believe me - you should count your blessings and make sure you don't have further dealings with him. The longer you know somebody like that, the more effort they'll put into trying to keep some sort of drama going with you. He might well try to re-enter your life, but just put the blocks up and make it as uninteresting as possible for him to keep trying. Don't concern yourself with whether he's okay, either. It's nice to be empathic, but somebody like that will just use your empathy to suck you back in. 1
glows Posted November 13, 2021 Posted November 13, 2021 2 hours ago, Rubina said: Thank you so much for sharing your story, this is very helpful for me. I’m struggling. I know this guy is bad news for me and I see his behavior is weird, controlling and manipulating. On the other had he brings out my fears of being rejected and abondement. It’s crazy. Don't participate in his manipulation and controlling attempts. Once he can't feed off of you or control you or intimidate you, the relationship dynamic will shift. Lean on your friends and family if you need to confide in anyone or talk to anyone.
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