He is punishing me with silence

[Rubina]

I’ve in a relationship for a couple of month now and in the beginning it was so romantic and fun. Lately it isn’t so much fun anymore. In the beginning my boyfriend was so loving, but now he only finds faults with me. He accuses me a lot of hurting his feelings or that I’m to busy. Whenever He is upsets about something he ignores me or gives me short anwers. And then at some point he will finaly tell me why is upset. A few days ago he was upset because I was online on Social media in the middle of the night. It was simply not true, he got confused with Am and Pm.
And monday he asked me to help me in the afternoon with something and I agreed. We didn’t set a time. A friend (girl) of me invited me later for tea for in the afternoon too so I agreed. Then I talked to my boyfriend to set a time with him But that I couldnt meet with him at 4 because I was going to see a friend. Then he said, don’t bother to help me anymore, you are busy. Then I said I can do both, help him and see the friend But he got so angry accusing me of finding my Friends more important then him. He said I was destroying his feelings for me and that I didn’t love him.

Anyway since monday he is giving me the Silent treatment. I sent him yesterday one message Just to say hi and tell him I hope he is okay And that I will be happy to hear from him.

He didn’t open my message and today the whole day he didn’t came online on social media and whatsapp. He didn’t block me and he is normaly a very active Guy on social media. So it was very weird he didn’t come online anywhere.

I’m a bit worried now, but not sure if I should go an find out if he is okay or that this is part of his way to punnish me for my “mistake”. 

What should I do?

 

[FMW]

He sounds controlling (checking up on your online time, resenting your time with friends, saying you are too busy for him).  He also exhibits very poor communication skills by going silent when he's upset.

Only a few months in is the time to get out of relationships that aren't working, before you are more attached.

All that said, if you're truly worried about his safety, then check on him.  If he's OK and just pouting it should make it easier for you to put an end to it.

[vla1120]

My hair stood on end reading your post. This is exactly the type of behavior my "boyfriend" exhibited early in our relationship. Then we married (a little too soo, I'll admit, so he could have my health benefits) and it went from bad to worse. My husband ended up being diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder and made my life very, very difficult. You've only been with him for two months. You can talk to him and see if he is receptive to stopping this behavior and just communicating his concerns to you instead of stonewalling you, but if you do not see an improvement, I would not invest too much more time on this relationship. By the way, when you talk to him, if you find that he blames everyone but himself for his difficulties in life, denies that he tried to punish you by not responding, and he tries to put the blame for everything squarely back on your shoulders, that would be a couple signs of NPD. They simply cannot see themselves as ever being at fault for anything.

 

Edited November 10, 2021 by vla1120

[Wiseman2]

35 minutes ago, Rubina said:

I’ve in a relationship for a couple of month now. He accuses me a lot of hurting his feelings or that I’m to busy.

 

Ok this many red flags in just 60 days dating means cut your losses.

Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

When someone is this messed up this early it's time to run.

[ShyViolet]

You've only been dating this guy a couple of months and things are already this bad?  You seriously need to break up with him.  Please don't be that woman who has such low self-respect that you stay with someone who treats you this badly.  

[glows]

I agree with the others. He's controlling.

Unfortunately it also sounds very whiny and needy. The below is guilt-tripping and overdramatic. Please re-evaluate this. What were you supposed to help him with, by the way?

58 minutes ago, Rubina said:

He said I was destroying his feelings for me and that I didn’t love him.

 

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, Rubina said:

I’m a bit worried now, but not sure if I should go an find out if he is okay or that this is part of his way to punnish me for my “mistake”. 

What should I do?

 

Block and delete. You've been seeing him 2 months and he's controlling, manipulative, passive aggressive. This man will turn into a full blown abuser! 

[smackie9]

What should you do? you dump him. He's stonewalling, passive/aggressive/manipulative/controlling. He's treating you like crap because he's a jerk. Run for the frickin hills!!!! He's so bad news girl.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Rubina said:

I sent him yesterday one message Just to say hi and tell him I hope he is okay And that I will be happy to hear from him.

No, no, no. 

Don't ever beg a guy to like you. This dude is not a good  man. He is already controlling and attempting to isolate you. 

Dump him. Seriously. This has red flags all over it. 

[Rubina]

56 minutes ago, glows said:

I agree with the others. He's controlling.

Unfortunately it also sounds very whiny and needy. The below is guilt-tripping and overdramatic. Please re-evaluate this. What were you supposed to help him with, by the way?

 

I had to help him with translating something for him. He is from another European country, he moved Here a year ago.

 

Well he came online again so nothing wrong with him. He read my message from yesterday and ignored it. He’s posting selfies on social media. I think I don’t even need to dump him. He dumped me with silence I think. Three days of silence so I think this is his closure?

[elaine567]

2 minutes ago, Rubina said:

think I don’t even need to dump him. He dumped me with silence I think.

You need to THANK GOD!!!

This man is an abuser.
DO NOT let him back into your life ever.
He will suck you dry and spit you out, your life will never be the same again...
Keep away.

He is dangerous to your mental health

[basil67]

That you don't need to dump him is the silver lining of this cloud.  Be thankful that he saved you the trouble.

Good riddance to bad rubbish!

[glows]

8 minutes ago, Rubina said:

I had to help him with translating something for him. He is from another European country, he moved Here a year ago.

 

Well he came online again so nothing wrong with him. He read my message from yesterday and ignored it. He’s posting selfies on social media. I think I don’t even need to dump him. He dumped me with silence I think. Three days of silence so I think this is his closure?

Incredibly manipulative and childish to do this. Stonewalling and shutting someone out is also a form of control. Create better boundaries now that you know what he's like. I'm sure he can find a professional translator or gain assistance elsewhere. Don't offer your time or services like this or reach out. I think he's using you.

[spiderowl]

He does sound short and impatient with you.  It could be that he is depressed or he could be losing interest in you and looking for faults.  Whatever is happening, it sounds like you are having to walk on eggshells around him.

I think if you can you need to sit down and have a talk with him to find out what is bothering him.  If he comes up with all sorts of things you are apparently doing wrong, rather than saying how he is feeling, then it could get very confusing.  You probably need to confront him, say you realise he is not happy and that this silent treatment is not fair on you.  If something is bothering him, he needs to tell you.  If he's feeling insecure and afraid of losing you, he might not want to admit this.

Sadly, this kind of passive-aggressive behaviour is more likely to chase away a partner than to heal things.  Has anything happened recently to make him feel insecure or paranoid about losing you?  

If things don't improve, you might have to consider giving up on this relationship.  It is not nice to feel punished or to have to deal with someone sulking half the time.  

 

Edited November 10, 2021 by spiderowl

[Coasting1991]

Agree with everyone here. He sounds very manipulative. He might try to contact you again to try and pull you back in. Either don't reply at all, or just reply to say that you will not stand for that behavior and that things are done between you two. Then block, delete and move on with your life. 

[LynneVicious]

^^^ agree with the poster above that he will try to suck you back in. You’re being manipulated. Put a stop to it. 

[ExpatInItaly]

11 hours ago, Rubina said:

Well he came online again so nothing wrong with him. He read my message from yesterday and ignored it. He’s posting selfies on social media. I think I don’t even need to dump him. He dumped me with silence I think. Three days of silence so I think this is his closure?

Yes. 

And then ask yourself why you even want a guy like this in your life. You need to raise your standards, girl. 

[balletomane]

12 hours ago, Rubina said:

I had to help him with translating something for him. He is from another European country, he moved Here a year ago.

 

Well he came online again so nothing wrong with him. He read my message from yesterday and ignored it. He’s posting selfies on social media. I think I don’t even need to dump him. He dumped me with silence I think. Three days of silence so I think this is his closure?

This makes it sound as if you'll go eagerly running to him if he messages you again. And he probably will message you again, when he wants some attention. I know this pattern very well. My abusive ex from my 20s was EXACTLY like this. And despite me being a very perceptive and successful person in the professional sphere, somehow I lived in terror of him breaking up with me and failed to see that these periods of silence were all part of the fun to him. He enjoyed me being desperate. He enjoyed my anxiety. He wanted me to chase him, to beg, to plead. It was disgusting. This man thrives off you humiliating yourself in the same way.

Take some power back. Delete and block him. This cycle is addictive, and the longer it goes on for, the harder it will be for you to escape.

[Rubina]

Update, I didn’t hear from him and I didn’t contact him. I did notice he was making post on FB just for me. I decided not to react to it because he ignored my message. So I thought he still needs space.

This morning he blocked me and deleted me from all social media.

I understand he a bit weird and I should be happy but I can’t help feeling hurt. I didn’t harass him. I.m not chasing him, why block me?

Edited November 12, 2021 by Rubina

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, Rubina said:

Thisis morning he blocked me and deleted me from all social media

Excellent. Half the work of breaking up is done.

Now all you need to do is delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

That's the place to start to heal and move forward.

[elaine567]

38 minutes ago, Rubina said:

understand he a bit weird and I should be happy but I can’t help feeling hurt. I didn’t harass him. I.m not chasing him, why block me?

He has either discarded you,  you mean nothing, he is already thinking NEXT,  or he hopes you will get so desperate you will chase him. He is thus in control...
If he unblocks you it is likely the latter. 

These guys tend to test and push boundaries, they are looking for nice, compliant, people-pleasing victims...

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Rubina said:

I understand he a bit weird and I should be happy but I can’t help feeling hurt. I didn’t harass him. I.m not chasing him, why block me?

Because this is what abusive people do. Control you, punish you, make you feel worthless. 

These are warning signs for major trouble ahead if you get dragged back into this. 

[stillafool]

4 hours ago, Rubina said:

I didn’t harass him. I.m not chasing him, why block me?

He did that to put you in your place, that he is in charge of the relationship and you'd better jump when he gets upset.  This is abuse.  Him breaking it off is the best thing that could happen to you.  He now expects you to plead and beg him for another chance.  Don't do it.

[vla1120]

Whew! It might not feel like it right now, but you dodged a bullet on this one. The best thing you can do is block him everywhere, be done with him and thank you lucky stars that you didn't waste any more of your life on this man. You came out of this relatively unscathed compared to the possibilities.

[JRabbit]

This is classic gaslighting and abuse. Red flags everywhere. Run. Seriously he did you a favor.  Don't spend another minute worrying about this loser.

Edited November 12, 2021 by JRabbit