I opened up my heart but he reacted like a piece of stone

[Amanda141]

I talked about this guy in other topics, brief recap:

We met at a party in July, we hit it off straight away, we went on a few dates but the he suddenly called things off because he's 32, I am 24, and he wants to start a family soon, while I want to wait a few years. He basically wanted to date to marry. He said "I am starting to like you too much, but due to the current circumstances it's better if we end it now than in a few months when we'll both have stronger feelings and suffer more". He's Indian, I am Italian, so our cultures are a bit different, however there was real chemistry between us and when he left me I was completely taken aback and devastated, even if it was only a few dates.

Fast forward to September: he comes back, says he made a mistake, regrets it because he was too rational, says that he still wants family etc but he missed me and thought about me in the summer and had been wondering if I was still available to pick things where we left them. In the meantime I was seeing another guy (we weren't official or anything) but honestly feelings for the Indian guy never left and after having talked about it we go out of the bar and kiss under the rain. Guys believe me I felt like in an episode of a soap opera. Then we went to his place but nothing happened, just kisses. We saw each other again, we made love and I stay over the night. He says he can't resist me and the attraction is over the moon, however we also talk, laugh and discuss about multiple topics even if we have eight years of age difference. Since the other guy was out of town for a while, I didn't really know where to stand. I wanted to see him because I liked him, he's closer to my age and life vision, but on the other hand I just couldn't stop thinking about the Indian. The Indian and I went out again a few times, but he said that first I had to see the other guy (fair enough) however since I was seeing this guy, he could also keep his options open. 

It's October. With the other guy it didn't work out (he had just lost his mother and was emotionally unavailable), the Indian told me he went on a few dates from dating apps with girls in their 30s but there was no-one that he really liked. He also said that we could keep seeing each other until things got serious for him with another girl (or me with another guy). Basically we kinda became friends with benefits (?) but I don't think that's the correct label.

The last time I saw him was October 14. Then he had to go to another city (just 1.5 hours away from here and where he previously lived for years) for a job interview. He got the job and will officially move there in September 2022. We texted regularly (we started the conversation 50/50) but I wasn't able to see him because after his trip there he fell ill for almost two weeks and passed this last weekend in that city again. Since he was sick, last Thursday I even made him a surprise: I called UberEats and delivered a pizza to his place with a note "get better soon". He really appreciated it and we were supposed to meet tonight. 

But yesterday, 9 November, all hell broke loose. I was just about to leave the office when I see a missed call from him. It's almost 7pm, and I call him back. He tells me that there was a COVID case in his office and they were sent home so he couldn't meet me. I admit I reacted a bit childishly and I said something like "omg no, that's so unfortunate, I was so looking forward to see you, and then in two weeks I have to leave for England for a business trip, I won't be able to see you until December?! I miss you..." he asked me if I was okay and I just couldn't resist any longer. I had to tell him. "No, I'm not okay. See, I've tried to date other men, but I could just see you in their eyes. I have feelings for you. What can I do, when I see you everywhere? Everything reminds me of you... I miss the way you kiss, I miss waking up next to you and going home with your perfume still on me, I miss your touch, I miss your hugs and sweet words. I miss you terribly. I know we couldn't work for a million reasons, but I always imagine what it would be like having you by my side, and I think I'll suffer even more having the regret that we didn't even give each other a real opportunity...You made me feel the magic." - I said these things while crying a lot in the middle of the city coming back from work. 

His response? He almost seemed angry. He didn't have any respect whatsover for my feelings. Zero. A cold heart of stone. He said "Amanda, we discussed about this. I am 32 and you are too young for me. In the other city, I even reconnected with a girl that I met online a few years ago and there was no connection, but I saw her again. She is 30 and we discuss about things such as buying property, family, investments, kids... Not together, but in general. I never fell for you emotionally. Please, don't be childish or immature and accept my decision and try to use it to mature. Don't insist or I'll have to block you. Our friendship is ruined. It's better if you distance yourself from me for a few months. Now take care."

This is just a summary, we stayed on the phone for over an hour. It left me devastated. I didn't recognise him at all. This is not the guy I was falling in love with...  

I have a lot of questions: How can you change so quickly? How can this new girl, that he maybe saw twice, suddenly become so important?! Why did he even come back to me saying he had thought about me all summer?!

He broke my heart in million pieces. I have a feeling that he would settle for any girl over 30 with the desire to marry and have kids just for the sake of getting a wife ! What we had can't just be in my head. HE CAME BACK IN SEPTEMBER BEGGING FOR ME TO START THINGS ALL OVER AGAIN AND NOW...THIS?! He says that he didn't fall for me emotionally but why did he come back? We met many times but had sex just a few in comparison so I don't think it's just for sexual attraction.

Of course I recognise yesterday my behaviour was intense and sometimes even childish, but how can you be calm when you're in situations like this? On the other hand, he was extremely harsh. 

I wish it was only a bad dream and I could delete it. I wish I was still able to see him tonight...  I felt like I ruined everything. 

What would you do? I want to give him space but I also feel he's not telling me all the truth. I wanted to say sorry for how I behaved, I don't want to end things like this.

I feel terrible. My heart is heavy right now.

Many thanks,

Amanda

 

 

[Wiseman2]

34 minutes ago, Amanda141 said:

I want to give him space but I also feel he's not telling me all the truth. I wanted to say sorry for how I behaved, I don't want to end things like this.

Sorry this happened. He's told you this many times and seems on/off with other women. Is he scheduled for an arranged marriage  with a woman from his own culture?

He's bad news. He's not your friend. He pushes you away. he doesn't seem to be interested in dating. Delete and block him from all your social media and messaging apps. 

[glows]

You didn't ruin anything. He wanted something casual with you but you had feelings for him. In future you'll know how to measure your dates or whether to meet someone based on compatibility and better manage your expectations and emotions. Talk and words are always cheap. Take a longer range approach and see how a person interacts with you over time. This was short so take it for what it was. I understand you're angry. Don't speak to him anymore or entertain any of his nonsense. 

Just know that this was not your fault and you are now free to date other men without any what ifs about this one.

[Gaeta]

OH MY GOD! My heart just sank into my stomach. I am so so so sorry. What a monster he is!! It's over honey, there is nothing you can do. Do not let him continue to use you. You block him everywhere and just get over the heartbreak. 

[ShyViolet]

1 hour ago, Amanda141 said:

What would you do? I want to give him space but I also feel he's not telling me all the truth. I wanted to say sorry for how I behaved, I don't want to end things like this.

You really don't have a choice... this is how he has chosen to "end" it.  Don't start letting yourself think that he's not telling you the truth.... that's called being in denial.  What he said to you is pretty clear.  You need to listen to what he has said, preserve your dignity and start the process of moving on.

[Girl Fade Away]

1 hour ago, Amanda141 said:

It's October. With the other guy it didn't work out (he had just lost his mother and was emotionally unavailable), the Indian told me he went on a few dates from dating apps with girls in their 30s but there was no-one that he really liked. He also said that we could keep seeing each other until things got serious for him with another girl (or me with another guy). Basically we kinda became friends with benefits (?) but I don't think that's the correct label.

Hello Amanda, wow your story nearly brought tears to my eyes, I am so so sorry  .  I have been in your shoes too a few times too so know exactly how you feel.  What I have discovered is sometimes we see what we want to see, not what is really there.  Please read your own words above quoted and emboldened.   When a man tells you this, it is a clear signal that he is NOT serious about you.  A man who is serious would never tell you to date other men until he met another woman he feels serious about.  And friends with benefits is exactly the correct label.   You saw more because you wanted to see more but it was not what was there.  What was there was a friend with benefits situation with a man who was attracted to you physically but not emotionally and who viewed you as casual.

I do not see him as a monster at all.  His delivery was very direct but he was always honest with you.  Please remember, a man's words and actions must align together.  His actions told you one thing, but his words said another.  It is important to pay attention to both.

Edited November 10, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[Mrin]

11 minutes ago, Girl Fade Away said:

What I have discovered is sometimes we see what we want to see, not what is really there

This.  X 1,000

[Gaeta]

2 hours ago, Amanda141 said:

His response? He almost seemed angry. He didn't have any respect whatsover for my feelings. Zero. A cold heart of stone. He said "Amanda, we discussed about this. I am 32 and you are too young for me. In the other city, I even reconnected with a girl that I met online a few years ago and there was no connection, but I saw her again. She is 30 and we discuss about things such as buying property, family, investments, kids... Not together, but in general. I never fell for you emotionally. Please, don't be childish or immature and accept my decision and try to use it to mature. Don't insist or I'll have to block you. Our friendship is ruined. It's better if you distance yourself from me for a few months. Now take care."

He should have used kindness to tell you all this. He knew you were growing feelings he's not stupid. Your arrangement was to date until you meet someone else and HE DID meet someone but never warned you! He did not respect his part of the bargain ! He was probably going to use you until he walks down the isle. I don't know how fluent he is in English but he could have used better words, and a better tone with a young woman he's been sleeping with. English is not my native language and this paragraph cuts me like a knife and it's not even about me. 

[smackie9]

You miss understood....he lusted for you, it was all sexual. You fell for him, he wasn't on the same page. He's right, you discussed you two would hang out until one of you met someone to be serious with. He wasn't expecting you to fall for him. So in a harsh way he rejected you, yes he could have been more compassionate. my guess is, he didn't want it to get out of hand and dealt with the way he felt he should. hard and heavy.

Tip of the day: never invest your feelings in something that is off and on. It never works out. someone always get hurt..this time it was you. Sorry, I hope you can get past this, and feel better soon.

[Calmandfocused]

Oh Amanda 

Likewise my heart broke whilst reading this .

I agree with others that you missed the giant red flag… or you chose to ignore it. No man would say those words to a woman that he really wanted to be with. Never. 
 

I think you was distracted by the “romance” of him coming back. You believed that meant something special. But the reality was he came back because he wanted something from you. It was for pure selfish reasons. 

I think you also believed that he’d wake up and realise that you were the one for him. That’s what kept you hanging on. But it wasn’t the reality. 
 

I’m sorry Amanda . 

Don’t give your heart to guys who show you from the offset that they don’t deserve it. 

[elaine567]

2 hours ago, Amanda141 said:

The Indian and I went out again a few times, but he said that first I had to see the other guy (fair enough) however since I was seeing this guy, he could also keep his options open. 

This is where he basically told you, he was not interested in you, bar the sex. He let you go and be with some other man and he wanted to see others too.
He did not see you as gf/wife material.
Why would he? You were prepared to accept NSA sex with apparently 2 men.
His response to your declaration of love should have been predictable to you.
He was annoyed as he thought it ridiculous you had not got the message...
He is done with you, do not humiliate yourself any further.
Dignity is required.

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, Amanda141 said:

What would you do? I want to give him space but I also feel he's not telling me all the truth.

Giving him space is not going to chage the ultimate outcome, which is that there is no future with him. You  should cut contact for yourself.

Unfortunately, he was just looking to have some fun with you in between his more serious prospects and he should have just stayed away from you. At this point, it would make no sense to stay in touch with him at all. It's only going to hurt you because he doesn't want the same thing you do, which is a relationship together. 

In the future, don't respond to men who dump you and then come sniffing back around. It's often because the woman they dumped you for is now gone, and they want you as a back-up. 

[Girl Fade Away]

26 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

You miss understood....he lusted for you, it was all sexual. You fell for him, he wasn't on the same page. He's right, you discussed you two would hang out until one of you met someone to be serious with. He wasn't expecting you to fall for him. So in a harsh way he rejected you, yes he could have been more compassionate. my guess is, he didn't want it to get out of hand and dealt with the way he felt he should. hard and heavy.

Tip of the day: never invest your feelings in something that is off and on. It never works out. someone always get hurt..this time it was you. Sorry, I hope you can get past this, and feel better soon.

This is more aligned with my thinking as well.  Amanda141, he told you that you could both date others until he found someone he becomes serious with.  He encouraged you to keep options OPEN like he was.  He was very clear about that, he did not lie or mislead you.     He was dating another woman but he had not become serious with her, not yet anyway, they were talking but it was in the general.  So let's not trash the guy, he was always honest and forthright about dating others and keeping options open until either of you became serious with someone else.  "Become serious with" are the operative words.  Not dating, but become serious with.   Yes he could have been more gentle in his delivery but I have found a man being direct or even harsh sometimes helps me because it really sinks in that way.  It helped me move on FASTER.

My heart goes out to you though because I have been there too.  Seeing what I want to see and not what is really there.  Ignoring certain things a man tells me and writing my own fairly tale script.  I think we all have done that so try to not be so hard on yourself, okay?  This might be a good learning and growth opportunity, try to look at it that way.  HUGS.

 

 

 

Edited November 10, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Amanda141 said:

He said "Amanda, we discussed about this. I am 32 and you are too young for me. In the other city, I even reconnected with a girl that I met online a few years ago and there was no connection, but I saw her again. She is 30 and we discuss about things such as buying property, family, investments, kids.

He's not a good man. He seems to want women to hook up with but then dates women "for marriage" (his culture, arranged marriage, etc.) . Delete and block him.

Is this the same man?:

 

[glows]

A silver tongue, it seems. Amanda, it's better to let him go. 

[spiderowl]

I am so sorry this happened to you.  

For what it's worth, I don't think the guy changed at all.  You are seeing the guy as he really was, practical, cold and unemotional.

He is looking for marriage and children.  That is his excuse to you.  For most people, it is not an excuse; someone of his age is most likely to be looking for those things and, practically, it is not what you were ready for.  However, his coldness goes beyond the practical and natural reasons of wanting something different to you.

He drew you back in so that he could have fun and attention.  He gave no thought whatsoever to what mattered to you.  If he had done, he would have said from the start 'Look, I'm not emotionally involved, I'd just like to see you as a friend with benefits if you are up for that'.  Instead, he drew you in, closed his mind to how you might be feeling, and then effectively told you off for being naive and immature.  

You know that you are not the immature one here.  You are a decent person with a heart who sadly got involved wth a guy who is good at seducing women.

I know you are hurting.  Cry your tears and remind yourself what a cold-hearted man this guy is.  Resolve to pay more attention in future to what a guy is looking for and his attitude to people who are at all vulnerable.  I bet if you look back, you will see signs that this guys was cold-hearted in general and patronising to boot.

Look after yourself and take your time to recover.  There are better guys on the horizon than this one.  I certainly would not give him the time of day after his behaviour.  You don't have to interact with him any further.  You can block him and get him out of your life.  He is the kind of guy who just walks all over people's self esteem.  Don't give him the opportunity to speak to you again.

Edited November 10, 2021 by spiderowl

[Amanda141]

Guys, thank you all for your support. I am overwhelmed by your sweet words and advice 

He is Indian but he has been living here in Germany for almost a decade, and he's not into arranged marriages. However, I feel that his family (and himself) are pressuring him to start a family, also because all of his Indian friends in India are married.

Anyway, you all are right, I for sure over-fantasized about him and saw what I wanted to see ignoring potential red flags. However, I want to point out that over the course of these months he also told me very nice words, such as: "You make me feel 18 again, it was so long that I didn't feel butterflies in my stomach. We met such in a magical way / I already told my brother about you" (this was on the 1st date after we met at the party) or, when he came back to me in September  "I thought about you a lot this summer. I even grabbed my phone a couple of times opening our chat wanting to text you...I admit it stung me when you told me you are seeing another guy... but I should have imagined it, how can a girl like you be single? Only a fool would let you go. I did it once and I regret it.".

Plus, when he left me in July, he did it in a completely different way. He video-called me for almost an hour and honestly I was crying a lot and he said "I am sorry to hurt you and to see you cry. But remember that those who cry have the purest soul. I am sure you're going to find your Mr. Right: I would be surprised if in a few months I don't see you with anyone, you are a wonderful woman. I wish you were a bit older, maybe things could have been different."

That's why I am shocked about his behaviour of last night. I didn't recognise him at all. Yes, it's true that I overreacted and got emotional... but why do you treat me like a piece of garbage? His English is perfect so I don't think it's a communication problem. I felt like a fool. I was counting down the days to meet him, since it had passed almost a month from the last time... The day before I even called my closest friend to help me choose the best dress and makeup to see him... and now probably I'll never see him again. I am not gonna sugarcoat this: it hurts as hell.

On the one hand, I am glad that I had the courage to express my feelings, so I don't have any more doubt or "what if". On the other hand, I feel like I wasted every chance to ever see him again, not even has a friend (he harshly said "the friendship is ruined" and believe me that this sentence divided my heart in two). We used to text regularly, so it's one thing I am gonna miss... apart from the sexual part, we are so similar: we both work in the same field, like and dislike pretty much the same things, had such an incredible connection... and now that's all gone.

I only hope that, as I now realise that I acted too emotional and maybe immature due to the situation, he also didn't control himself and will recognise he was too harsh on me.

I will keep you posted.

Amanda  

[Stret]

He seems very Machiavellian in the way he chooses partners. It seems like he decided to find a wife and it can be many people for him. She needs to be his age and he needs to be attracted to her. That seems to be it. 

24 and 32 are not necessarily incompatible - in fact, according to some research I read long ago, the best difference between partners is 5-8 years. 

In time your pain will turn into anger and then into feeling nothing towards him. You are 24 and young - we've all been there. It will pass. Hang in there. Whatever you do, don't contact him and definitely don't contact him to say you are sorry. You have nothing to be sorry for and apologize to him about. You are the one hurt. He was not supposed to get involved with you again in Sept for his own amusement. 

[Maldives]

This guy sounds conflicted. I think he's trying to deny how he feels or what he's feeling for you  and he's at war in his head with his goal of having a family. His words are pretty cold to say the least. In any case you have to decide wether you wanna be an on and off gf while he's trying to sort out how he feels about things. He's conflicted about he's goals how he feels about you and is reacting. There's a good chance if he comes back this is gonna continue. 

[Maldives]

4 hours ago, Amanda141 said:

Guys, thank you all for your support. I am overwhelmed by your sweet words and advice 

He is Indian but he has been living here in Germany for almost a decade, and he's not into arranged marriages. However, I feel that his family (and himself) are pressuring him to start a family, also because all of his Indian friends in India are married.

Anyway, you all are right, I for sure over-fantasized about him and saw what I wanted to see ignoring potential red flags. However, I want to point out that over the course of these months he also told me very nice words, such as: "You make me feel 18 again, it was so long that I didn't feel butterflies in my stomach. We met such in a magical way / I already told my brother about you" (this was on the 1st date after we met at the party) or, when he came back to me in September  "I thought about you a lot this summer. I even grabbed my phone a couple of times opening our chat wanting to text you...I admit it stung me when you told me you are seeing another guy... but I should have imagined it, how can a girl like you be single? Only a fool would let you go. I did it once and I regret it.".

Plus, when he left me in July, he did it in a completely different way. He video-called me for almost an hour and honestly I was crying a lot and he said "I am sorry to hurt you and to see you cry. But remember that those who cry have the purest soul. I am sure you're going to find your Mr. Right: I would be surprised if in a few months I don't see you with anyone, you are a wonderful woman. I wish you were a bit older, maybe things could have been different."

That's why I am shocked about his behaviour of last night. I didn't recognise him at all. Yes, it's true that I overreacted and got emotional... but why do you treat me like a piece of garbage? His English is perfect so I don't think it's a communication problem. I felt like a fool. I was counting down the days to meet him, since it had passed almost a month from the last time... The day before I even called my closest friend to help me choose the best dress and makeup to see him... and now probably I'll never see him again. I am not gonna sugarcoat this: it hurts as hell.

On the one hand, I am glad that I had the courage to express my feelings, so I don't have any more doubt or "what if". On the other hand, I feel like I wasted every chance to ever see him again, not even has a friend (he harshly said "the friendship is ruined" and believe me that this sentence divided my heart in two). We used to text regularly, so it's one thing I am gonna miss... apart from the sexual part, we are so similar: we both work in the same field, like and dislike pretty much the same things, had such an incredible connection... and now that's all gone.

I only hope that, as I now realise that I acted too emotional and maybe immature due to the situation, he also didn't control himself and will recognise he was too harsh on me.

I will keep you posted.

Amanda  that's a classic case of being 

That's a classic case of being taken forgranted. Your available and expressed your feelings so he knows how you feel. So he thinks he can have you anytime. My gut tells me if you refuse to see him again then he'll then it'll hit him and what he gave up. 

[Amanda141]

6 hours ago, Goodguy05 said:

This guy sounds conflicted. I think he's trying to deny how he feels or what he's feeling for you  and he's at war in his head with his goal of having a family. His words are pretty cold to say the least. In any case you have to decide wether you wanna be an on and off gf while he's trying to sort out how he feels about things. He's conflicted about he's goals how he feels about you and is reacting. There's a good chance if he comes back this is gonna continue. 

I agree with this. I feel like he's very confused... let's see what the future holds. I will try to move on even if it's very difficult... but what can I do, that's life...

[Wiseman2]

15 minutes ago, Amanda141 said:

I agree with this. I feel like he's very confused... let's see what the future holds. I will try to move on even if it's very difficult... but what can I do, that's life...

He doesn't seem confused. He seems to view it as casual sex and reserving serious relationships for women his family approve of.

The hot/cold thing was to string you along for sex then push you away when you want a relationship.

Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

[elaine567]

I agree I don't think he is confused at all.

OP
He set up a nice FWB arrangement with you but you ruined it by getting the "feels".
He knows for certain, he does not see any long term future with you and is a bit annoyed  the casual sex has ended due to you getting the wrong end of the stick. 
He was harsh and cold as he doesn't want you to get the wrong idea again and keep contacting him.

The moral of the story is never get into a FWB arrangement with an ex or someone you have feelings for.
You WILL get hurt.

[Saracena]

I don't believe he was conflicted either. His delivery was far too harsh for that to be the case. His coldness and the fact he told about the 'other woman' is testament to this.

Sorry OP but he sounds like an absolute s**t to me.

[spiderowl]

13 hours ago, Amanda141 said:

Guys, thank you all for your support. I am overwhelmed by your sweet words and advice 

He is Indian but he has been living here in Germany for almost a decade, and he's not into arranged marriages. However, I feel that his family (and himself) are pressuring him to start a family, also because all of his Indian friends in India are married.

Anyway, you all are right, I for sure over-fantasized about him and saw what I wanted to see ignoring potential red flags. However, I want to point out that over the course of these months he also told me very nice words, such as: "You make me feel 18 again, it was so long that I didn't feel butterflies in my stomach. We met such in a magical way / I already told my brother about you" (this was on the 1st date after we met at the party) or, when he came back to me in September  "I thought about you a lot this summer. I even grabbed my phone a couple of times opening our chat wanting to text you...I admit it stung me when you told me you are seeing another guy... but I should have imagined it, how can a girl like you be single? Only a fool would let you go. I did it once and I regret it.".

Plus, when he left me in July, he did it in a completely different way. He video-called me for almost an hour and honestly I was crying a lot and he said "I am sorry to hurt you and to see you cry. But remember that those who cry have the purest soul. I am sure you're going to find your Mr. Right: I would be surprised if in a few months I don't see you with anyone, you are a wonderful woman. I wish you were a bit older, maybe things could have been different."

That's why I am shocked about his behaviour of last night. I didn't recognise him at all. Yes, it's true that I overreacted and got emotional... but why do you treat me like a piece of garbage? His English is perfect so I don't think it's a communication problem. I felt like a fool. I was counting down the days to meet him, since it had passed almost a month from the last time... The day before I even called my closest friend to help me choose the best dress and makeup to see him... and now probably I'll never see him again. I am not gonna sugarcoat this: it hurts as hell.

On the one hand, I am glad that I had the courage to express my feelings, so I don't have any more doubt or "what if". On the other hand, I feel like I wasted every chance to ever see him again, not even has a friend (he harshly said "the friendship is ruined" and believe me that this sentence divided my heart in two). We used to text regularly, so it's one thing I am gonna miss... apart from the sexual part, we are so similar: we both work in the same field, like and dislike pretty much the same things, had such an incredible connection... and now that's all gone.

I only hope that, as I now realise that I acted too emotional and maybe immature due to the situation, he also didn't control himself and will recognise he was too harsh on me.

I will keep you posted.

Amanda  

You did nothing wrong, Amanda. This guy was sweet only to get what he wanted. You may notice that what he said all along shows no sign of empathy for your feelings, just sweet nothings. The guy is Machiavellian, cold as steel underneath. It is often through pain that we more sensitive and empathic types learn about these people. I don’t know about others here but I have been there too, realising the guy was actually a superficial charmer.

You are now better armed to spot these people. Look for how they treat others in passing, in the shop, the bar, the restaurant. Can you think back to any signs?