How often do people hook up their friends with dates/partners?

[HotRevolver93]

One piece of advice or a theory I’ve heard my entire life is how people particularly women do this seemingly all the time for their male friends.  That one of the perks as a guy in having female friends is that they will hook you up with their single friends. It’s one of those things that sounds great in theory but how often does this really happen?

 

Ive had about 2 close female friends in my lifetime(one at the moment) and I’ve never been introduced or hooked up with any  friends or family members. This one girl in particular who is a sweetheart always encourages me and says I’m a catch but never plays wing woman for me. She never said oh I have this friend who would be perfect for you, I’ll introduce you. There’s a big reason for that, she knows I’m not a catch and wants to spare my feelings
 

Its  not just me, I don’t really know any guy who is or has been in a relationship that I know who can say yeah I’m in this relationship because I was introduced by a third party woman. The general consensus is regardless of age or background from these men seems to be you have to kinda make it happen for yourself which is what I figured. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, HotRevolver93 said:

Ive had about 2 close female friends in my lifetime(one at the moment) and I’ve never been introduced or hooked up with any  friends or family members.  

It's one of those "no good deed goes unpunished" type things.

No one wants to potentially mess up friendships or get caught in the crossfire of bad dates gone wrong.

Your friends are right. Find you own dates and don't expect your female friends to play matchmaker for you.

[elaine567]

3 hours ago, HotRevolver93 said:

She never said oh I have this friend who would be perfect for you, I’ll introduce you.

She maybe doesn't have a single friend/family member who would be perfect for you.
How it tends to work is that  people meet up via friend/family/colleague/acquaintance groups, they see someone they like the look of, they get to know each other and ultimately go on a date.
No-one gets "introduced" as that can be awkward and cringy.
"Gina meet Rob, you are  both chronically single, so should get along..."

Also the chances if your 2 friends being friends with your perfect match, surely must be very small.
Most people are not analysing their friends to the extent they could play a credible matchmaker role.

If you don't want to do OLD, then you need to find some very sociable people to hang about with, people who have loads of friends, who are always organising events and parties. 
With a steady stream of new people to meet, you are more likely to meet someone who is attracted to you.
 

[HotRevolver93]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's one of those "no good deed goes unpunished" type things.

No one wants to potentially mess up friendships or get caught in the crossfire of bad dates gone wrong.

Your friends are right. Find you own dates and don't expect your female friends to play matchmaker for you.

So people need to stop saying this happens then 

[HotRevolver93]

2 hours ago, elaine567 said:

She maybe doesn't have a single friend/family member who would be perfect for you.
How it tends to work is that  people meet up via friend/family/colleague/acquaintance groups, they see someone they like the look of, they get to know each other and ultimately go on a date.
No-one gets "introduced" as that can be awkward and cringy.
"Gina meet Rob, you are  both chronically single, so should get along..."

Also the chances if your 2 friends being friends with your perfect match, surely must be very small.
Most people are not analysing their friends to the extent they could play a credible matchmaker role.

If you don't want to do OLD, then you need to find some very sociable people to hang about with, people who have loads of friends, who are always organising events and parties. 
With a steady stream of new people to meet, you are more likely to meet someone who is attracted to you.
 

Ok so this rarely if ever happens then so why do people act like it’s a thing and a major perk?

[Blind-Sided]

It's happened to me a bunch of times in my life.

1) When I was getting back into collage (very early 20's)... I was chasing a girl, and she didn't want to date me, but we were friends.  Eventually, she introduced me to a friend of hers that she thought I would like. 

2) Before I was ready to move across country (upper 20's)... my friends GF introduced me to one of her friends.  She knew I had a bad breakup, and thought I could use a little stress relief.  LOL.  This particular girl knew I was going to move in just a few days... but she was OK with that.  (it was a great ONS that lasted 3 days)

3) After I moved (late 20's)... my female cousin set me up with several of her friends. None were long term... but fun sex with them.

4) after my divorce (late 40's).... a couple of my female friends introduced me to a few of their friends.  My current GF is someone I knew from years back... but it was one of my female friends who re-introduced us. (They stayed friends for all those years) 

So... for me... it has happened a lot. 

There is only one thought.... and I don't want to sound like an ass... but have you simply asked your friends to introduce you to their friends?   Also... take a HUGE step back, and ask yourself if you have a track record of not being a nice guy?   If you have anger, drinking, chemical... or other issues... your female friends may not want to be in the middle of it. 

Edited November 10, 2021 by Blind-Sided

[HotRevolver93]

33 minutes ago, Blind-Sided said:

It's happened to me a bunch of times in my life.

1) When I was getting back into collage (very early 20's)... I was chasing a girl, and she didn't want to date me, but we were friends.  Eventually, she introduced me to a friend of hers that she thought I would like. 

2) Before I was ready to move across country (upper 20's)... my friends GF introduced me to one of her friends.  She knew I had a bad breakup, and thought I could use a little stress relief.  LOL.  This particular girl knew I was going to move in just a few days... but she was OK with that.  (it was a great ONS that lasted 3 days)

3) After I moved (late 20's)... my female cousin set me up with several of her friends. None were long term... but fun sex with them.

4) after my divorce (late 40's).... a couple of my female friends introduced me to a few of their friends.  My current GF is someone I knew from years back... but it was one of my female friends who re-introduced us. (They stayed friends for all those years) 

So... for me... it has happened a lot. 

There is only one thought.... and I don't want to sound like an ass... but have you simply asked your friends to introduce you to their friends?   Also... take a HUGE step back, and ask yourself if you have a track record of not being a nice guy?   If you have anger, drinking, chemical... or other issues... your female friends may not want to be in the middle of it. 

If I had a record of “not being a nice guy” they wouldn’t be my friends and or hang out with me

[Blind-Sided]

2 hours ago, HotRevolver93 said:

If I had a record of “not being a nice guy” they wouldn’t be my friends and or hang out with me

Not necessarily.   I'm not talking total A-hole.  I'm talking about being not nice in a relationship situation.  My one female friend was thinking about girls to set me up with... and several she said were nutz, or overly clingy. (as in, one date, and would be planning a wedding)  Also... there was one who I was told "If you just want to get laid, she would be perfect, but probably break up, or cheat on you after a while".   In this case... she was protecting me from her friends that she knows has issues.  Also, she knows I'm not a bar/club kind of guy, so she wasn't going to set me up with someone who wanted to go out drinking every night. 

In the above situations... if that's how you are thought as... then your friend may be protecting her friends from that. Or, you simply aren't going to be a fit for her single friends.  I'm not saying you are.... but please understand that we don't know you, and I have to make some assumptions for both sides. (pro and con)  

Now... if you you are a great guy, and just had bad luck...  once again... have you simply asked your friend if she has any single friends to set you up with?  When I thought I was ready to date... I point blank asked 2 of my female friends to introduce me to girls she thought would be a good fit. 

[kendahke]

IME, never. Most of my friend would say that the friend of theirs I'd be interested in was a dog and I deserved better.

Quote

I had a record of “not being a nice guy” they wouldn’t be my friends and or hang out with me

They're not trying to be romantically involved.

Edited November 10, 2021 by kendahke

[Alpacalia]

Rarely have I with the exception of family members occasionally asking me.

Invite them to set you up on a date if you want them to. Even so, they may not be comfortable.

But one way to read that is that they either haven't considered it or are being respectful because you haven't asked them and they don't want to seem presumptuous.

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, HotRevolver93 said:

So people need to stop saying this happens then 

Who is saying it? Perhaps they mean if you have a lot of single friends and socialize and go to parties etc., fine. But matchmaking is something your female friends don't want or need to do for you. Hopefully you're not hanging out  with them only for this reason?

[dramafreezone]

12 hours ago, HotRevolver93 said:

One piece of advice or a theory I’ve heard my entire life is how people particularly women do this seemingly all the time for their male friends.  That one of the perks as a guy in having female friends is that they will hook you up with their single friends. It’s one of those things that sounds great in theory but how often does this really happen?

 

Ive had about 2 close female friends in my lifetime(one at the moment) and I’ve never been introduced or hooked up with any  friends or family members. This one girl in particular who is a sweetheart always encourages me and says I’m a catch but never plays wing woman for me. She never said oh I have this friend who would be perfect for you, I’ll introduce you. There’s a big reason for that, she knows I’m not a catch and wants to spare my feelings
 

Its  not just me, I don’t really know any guy who is or has been in a relationship that I know who can say yeah I’m in this relationship because I was introduced by a third party woman. The general consensus is regardless of age or background from these men seems to be you have to kinda make it happen for yourself which is what I figured. 

I think your observations are accurate.

I don't think the "set up" has had a very high success rate, and less so since the advent of online dating.

The main flaw with the set up is that if you're such a catch, why do you need someone to set you up?  I would never agree to a set up, because it presupposes that you can't get a date on your own.  Even if you get the date you're starting off with one or two strikes.

I see advice on here sometimes that you should go around telling your female friends that you're single and welcome to set ups.  That's one of the worst things you could possibly do IMO.  It sounds great in theory but in reality what is says is "I'm a loser that can't get a date."

You can always find examples of anything that's worked.  If you look hard enough you'll find couples that found the love of their lives through a set up.  I would say if it happens by chance, and the date seems really excited about the set up as well, great but would not invest a lot of time in meeting anyone through a set up.  We guys are just better off doing it on our own.

[smackie9]

Most people don't get involved...it can ruin friendships. For me I would rather happily meet someone on my own.

One time years ago, my GF tried to set me up with her Bf's cousin. As soon as I was introduced, I knew he was an A Hole. He just had that vibe. Decades later, at my GF's wedding, that cousin was there. He harassed my husband so bad, we had to leave or there would have been a fist fight. Moral of the story...it's never a good idea to play match maker.

[Weezy1973]

I’ve had female friends subtly try to set me up, but it would more be if we were at a get together they would invite someone that was single to see if something happened naturally. They wouldn’t force anything. 
 

I did have a friend when she found herself single in her late 20s and was wanting to settle down, offer all her friends $50 if they could find her someone that she went on more than 3 dates with. One of my friends did, and she ended up marrying the guy. Still married, 2 kids, very successful relationship.

There is something to be said for putting it out there. Letting everybody you know you’re single  and looking for a relationship. People are sometimes afraid of failure so keep those things private, but better to just put it out there. 

[basil67]

Husband and I were set up by his female housemate.  She was friends with both of us, and also dating one of hubby's best mates at the time.

[Foxhall]

You can bring a horse to water but you cant make him drink,

People can read their friends wrong and can be well off the mark in terms of matching people,

that being said it is or was probably, the most common method of match ups where I am from ,at least for an older generation,

the younger ones now would rail against it - they would feel they are "above" needing other people to set them up.

I would'nt mind actually just for the novelty trying to run a dating site matching people.

 

[Shining One]

Of the dozen or so female friends and associates who have offered to help fix me up over the years, only two ever actually tried. One was very skilled at manipulating other women, and her efforts yielded quite a few one-night-stands, flings, and short-term relationships. She never tried to set me up with her friends though... always random women we encountered when out and about or women I found on OLD. The other woman tried to set me up with a couple of her friends, but it never went past the first date.

[HotRevolver93]

20 hours ago, Blind-Sided said:

Not necessarily.   I'm not talking total A-hole.  I'm talking about being not nice in a relationship situation.  My one female friend was thinking about girls to set me up with... and several she said were nutz, or overly clingy. (as in, one date, and would be planning a wedding)  Also... there was one who I was told "If you just want to get laid, she would be perfect, but probably break up, or cheat on you after a while".   In this case... she was protecting me from her friends that she knows has issues.  Also, she knows I'm not a bar/club kind of guy, so she wasn't going to set me up with someone who wanted to go out drinking every night. 

In the above situations... if that's how you are thought as... then your friend may be protecting her friends from that. Or, you simply aren't going to be a fit for her single friends.  I'm not saying you are.... but please understand that we don't know you, and I have to make some assumptions for both sides. (pro and con)  

Now... if you you are a great guy, and just had bad luck...  once again... have you simply asked your friend if she has any single friends to set you up with?  When I thought I was ready to date... I point blank asked 2 of my female friends to introduce me to girls she thought would be a good fit. 

There are all sorts of men who are “not nice in a relationship setting” who go in and out of relationships all the time.

 

And yes I’ve asked 

Edited November 11, 2021 by HotRevolver93

[HotRevolver93]

18 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Who is saying it? Perhaps they mean if you have a lot of single friends and socialize and go to parties etc., fine. But matchmaking is something your female friends don't want or need to do for you. Hopefully you're not hanging out  with them only for this reason?

People say it all the time Especially online lol. Get friends who are girls cause they will hook you up, but it rarely if ever happens in real life.

[HotRevolver93]

18 hours ago, dramafreezone said:

I think your observations are accurate.

I don't think the "set up" has had a very high success rate, and less so since the advent of online dating.

The main flaw with the set up is that if you're such a catch, why do you need someone to set you up?  I would never agree to a set up, because it presupposes that you can't get a date on your own.  Even if you get the date you're starting off with one or two strikes.

I see advice on here sometimes that you should go around telling your female friends that you're single and welcome to set ups.  That's one of the worst things you could possibly do IMO.  It sounds great in theory but in reality what is says is "I'm a loser that can't get a date."

You can always find examples of anything that's worked.  If you look hard enough you'll find couples that found the love of their lives through a set up.  I would say if it happens by chance, and the date seems really excited about the set up as well, great but would not invest a lot of time in meeting anyone through a set up.  We guys are just better off doing it on our own.

I agree it sounds great in theory but in reality it almost never plays out like that. 

[Blind-Sided]

36 minutes ago, HotRevolver93 said:

1) There are all sorts of men who are “not nice in a relationship setting” who go in and out of relationships all the time.

2) And yes I’ve asked 

1) Sure... but what does that have to do with having a friend set you up?  A "Friend" isn't going to mess up another friendship if someone is known to be a player, a cheater, or have chemical issues.  Once again... I'm not saying you are... I'm just playing devils advocate to show both sides of why it may or may not happen for you.  Heck... it could be that all of your friend's single friends are bad, and they don't want to set you up with them. BUT................... 

2) Great.... what did they say? 

35 minutes ago, HotRevolver93 said:

People say it all the time Especially online lol. Get friends who are girls cause they will hook you up, but it rarely if ever happens in real life.

Because it does happen, and it's WAY better than OLD.  But, I see it here all the time where people seek out a "Female Friend", and expect it to be an automatic. you simply can't "Get friends who are girls" and expect them to do the work for you. There are literally a dozen threads about that on this board in the past year.  Or... they say "I have a female friend that I've known for a year and she won't help".   In my case, after my D... there was 2 female friends who started to help me, but one was a friend for 20 years, and the other was a friend for +15 years.  So... they knew me extremely well. (They also knew my exW also)    Along with that... it's not like a dating service.  The "Set-up" isn't going to be a date per-se.  It's normally an outing, or a party/BBQ where the person they will introduce you to will be there.   It's still up to you to talk, and see if you will be compatible. I think that's a problem with modern dating... people have lost the art of conversation, and lost the ability to take rejection.  I really feel like they get into OLD and make it out like it's ordering something from Amazon.  All your friends can do, is facilitate the introduction.

With all that said... you can't simply make a statement, and actually believe it's true, just because it hasn't happened for you.  It does happen... it's a good way to meet someone new... but it still takes effort on your part. 

[Blind-Sided]

19 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

 But matchmaking is something your female friends don't want or need to do for you. Hopefully you're not hanging out  with them only for this reason?

That's part of it too.  Some girls just don't want to play matchmaker. 

[Blind-Sided]

read this.  It may give you a better perspective on how it will work.  It's not a "Date".... it's just introductions....

 

 

[dramafreezone]

11 hours ago, Blind-Sided said:

Because it does happen, and it's WAY better than OLD.  But, I see it here all the time where people seek out a "Female Friend", and expect it to be an automatic. you simply can't "Get friends who are girls" and expect them to do the work for you. There are literally a dozen threads about that on this board in the past year.  Or... they say "I have a female friend that I've known for a year and she won't help".   In my case, after my D... there was 2 female friends who started to help me, but one was a friend for 20 years, and the other was a friend for +15 years.  So... they knew me extremely well. (They also knew my exW also)    Along with that... it's not like a dating service.  The "Set-up" isn't going to be a date per-se.  It's normally an outing, or a party/BBQ where the person they will introduce you to will be there.   It's still up to you to talk, and see if you will be compatible. I think that's a problem with modern dating... people have lost the art of conversation, and lost the ability to take rejection.  I really feel like they get into OLD and make it out like it's ordering something from Amazon.  All your friends can do, is facilitate the introduction.

 

Well, I think when matchmaking works, it's when two people that can get dates of their own happen to be matched through mutual friends.  In this instance, matchmaking can be incredibly effective because the matches have been pre-screened so to speak, in terms of them being desirable by others.  Also, if this match already knows someone that I respect (my friend) then they're probably cool as well.  But it's important that the matches in question are already dating on their own.  If one of the two can't get a date otherwise, the fix-up has a low probability of success.

Edited November 12, 2021 by dramafreezone

[Blind-Sided]

On 11/11/2021 at 8:16 PM, dramafreezone said:

....  If one of the two can't get a date otherwise, the fix-up has a low probability of success.

Absolutely.  That's the other side of all this.  if one or the other is awkward, or bad at "Dating"... then the connection isn't going to happen.