babybrowns Posted November 9, 2021 Posted November 9, 2021 (edited) Hello all Would love to get some perspectives on the below please! I recently met up with a man whom I’ve been chatting to online for a while. We live a 2-hour journey apart; I moved to the coast a couple of months ago and he lives in my hometown of the big city. The first ‘date’ suggested to me that the guy was looking for something quite casual, which is not what I’m seeking. He didn’t even pay for my single coffee He did say that he wanted to see me again though before we said goodbye. No follow-up ‘had a good time’ text though. 2 days after the date, by which time I had deleted him as a contact and decided I didn’t want to see him again, he got in touch with me. I politely declined his advances and told him that I felt we are looking for different things. Rather than just respectfully acknowledge it and let us part ways amicably, he tries to twist my arm. He starts playing texting games with me- tries to give me some bait to proceed but not giving me a direct answer when I called him out on just wanting something casual. I also said to him that if casual is what he wants, there are plenty of women out there who’d be willing to be part of an arrangement like that, but that it’s just not me. However he kept persisting so in the end, given the fact that I enjoyed his company the first time even as a friend, I agreed to meet again, but I set the expectation clearly that I am going to see how things are a bit more first before I trust he’s not just after something casual. I thought all this was cool, until he texted me the next day saying that since he is working from home this month, he wants to come and stay with me for a few days in my town, in my apartment. Needless to say I found this way too forward, way too soon after just 1 date, and a little insensitive towards my concerns that he’s just after something casual. I told him that I need to know someone a bit more before they stay round my place, to which he said cool, just let me know when you’re next in town then. I replied with a potential date when I would be back in town later in the month, he’s still not got back to me and I am thinking of just blocking his number because I clearly see a dead end here. I just want to be left alone from someone who does not have the same intentions as me and keeps trying to push. I question his integrity if he is merely all about getting his kicks when a girl has made it clear to him where she’s at. It is clear to me that the guy is only after something casual. Where my confusion lies is that, after finding out I’m not in the ‘casual boat’, why did he still try to push things in that direction? What made him think I’d welcome him to stay in my apartment after just 1 date when I made it clear to him that I’m not a casual girl, that I think we want different things? Why disturb someone when they have declined and said you’re both looking for different things? Thanks in advance for your insights Member requested edit: “I blocked him last night” Edited November 10, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Member request
stillafool Posted November 9, 2021 Posted November 9, 2021 15 minutes ago, babybrowns said: Where my confusion lies is that, after finding out I’m not in the ‘casual boat’, why did he still try to push things in that direction? Because so many women say no when they really mean yes. You should have never unblocked him once you blocked. Never go backwards. 10 1
Author babybrowns Posted November 9, 2021 Author Posted November 9, 2021 6 minutes ago, stillafool said: Because so many women say no when they really mean yes. You should have never unblocked him once you blocked. Never go backwards. I guess he saw it clearly when I refused him entry into my apartment. I really don’t get where he’d get the idea that I would welcome in to stay for 3 days straight after just 1 date!!
Gaeta Posted November 9, 2021 Posted November 9, 2021 I am perplexed as to why you kept exchanging with him? I would have blocked him at the moment l felt pressured. He kept on insisting because some women change their mind with pressure and convincing. 5 1
elaine567 Posted November 9, 2021 Posted November 9, 2021 He saw you were weak and so he persisted and he was right, you gave way and you agreed to meet him again. He then tried to push you further, suggesting he come to stay for three days... My guess his goal was always to get a bed for three nights, whether for sex or just somewhere to stay in your city I don't know, but as soon as his plan didn't work he was not interested any longer... Please be a bit more savvy and safety aware. Stop any weird persistent guys dead in their tracks and do not allow them to push through your boundaries... 7 1
glows Posted November 9, 2021 Posted November 9, 2021 There are a lot of strange people like this looking for hook ups and places to stay. He may not even have wanted sex. He could have robbed you or just wanted a free place to crash because he has nowhere to go or nowhere to stay. You also don't know him well enough to know if he's attached (in a relationship, has kids or is married). People look for their adrenaline fixes any way they can. Next time be more wary and delete/block as soon as you realize you're not on the same page. Online dating isn't for debates and friendships. Choose your company as they are exactly for the purpose you are there and read between the lines. Don't believe everything you hear. 5
Sun Seeker Posted November 10, 2021 Posted November 10, 2021 2 hours ago, babybrowns said: Hello all Would love to get some perspectives on the below please! I recently met up with a man whom I’ve been chatting to online for a while. We live a 2-hour journey apart; I moved to the coast a couple of months ago and he lives in my hometown of the big city. The first ‘date’ suggested to me that the guy was looking for something quite casual, which is not what I’m seeking. He didn’t even pay for my single coffee He did say that he wanted to see me again though before we said goodbye. No follow-up ‘had a good time’ text though. 2 days after the date, by which time I had deleted him as a contact and decided I didn’t want to see him again, he got in touch with me. I politely declined his advances and told him that I felt we are looking for different things. Rather than just respectfully acknowledge it and let us part ways amicably, he tries to twist my arm. He starts playing texting games with me- tries to give me some bait to proceed but not giving me a direct answer when I called him out on just wanting something casual. I also said to him that if casual is what he wants, there are plenty of women out there who’d be willing to be part of an arrangement like that, but that it’s just not me. However he kept persisting so in the end, given the fact that I enjoyed his company the first time even as a friend, I agreed to meet again Because you did this. Agreeing to meet again when you know he just wants to get into your underwear is agreeing to be casual, so he thought he would try his luck. Next time stick to your instinct. 3 1
ShyViolet Posted November 10, 2021 Posted November 10, 2021 I find it strange that after you told him you were no longer interested, and he didn't respect that and "persisted", you backtracked and decided to see him again. That was a mistake. You should have stuck with your original intentions of cutting it off. When someone doesn't respect what you're telling them and keeps persisting, that's not someone you keep seeing. Now it doesn't matter "WHY" he persisted. Going back and trying to analyze his motives is irrelevant. Just cut him out of your life and move on. 3 1
Girl Fade Away Posted November 10, 2021 Posted November 10, 2021 (edited) Agree with other posters but what I do not understand @babybrownsis your previous thread which I was last to respond before closure was all about trusting your own intuition. What happened? I hope this does not sound rude but did you learn nothing from that thread because it appears you are doing the same thing again. Failing to trust your own intuition. For the life of me I cannot figure why after this jerk continued to persist and push, you agreed to meet him. You might not realize it but you just proved why guys like him DO continue to persist and push, because women like you WILL eventually give in and meet them. Maybe even invite them in and have sex with them. I hope you have now blocked him in case he ever circles back around and next time this happens, trust your own instincts and immediately next him. @elaine567advised to become more savvy and safety aware, I agree. Edited November 10, 2021 by Girl Fade Away 2 2
Author babybrowns Posted November 10, 2021 Author Posted November 10, 2021 (edited) Thank you all. I think the reason I had agreed to see him again was that, I did have fun on the meet-up. The guy ticked a few boxes that are sometimes hard to find, especially things like being a good listener, which on the last few first dates I’ve gone on I have not encountered much of. He also has a good job and good education, something I also look for since I am from an academic background. But nevertheless it was below the standards I would set for a date, which is why I made it clear to the guy that if we met again I’m not going to go into it thinking it’s a date. He was quite jokey about this. Anyway, yes for sure I’m not going to interact with him again! Edited November 10, 2021 by babybrowns
Interstellar Posted November 10, 2021 Posted November 10, 2021 there’s a safety issue involved when a complete stranger tries to stay at your apartment. not springing for a few measly bucks on coffee should’ve clued you in lol. you should’ve block and deleted this guy completely. 2
Wiseman2 Posted November 10, 2021 Posted November 10, 2021 (edited) 11 hours ago, babybrowns said: I recently met up with a man whom I’ve been chatting to online for a while. We live a 2-hour journey apart. Ok. A few red flags . Distance. Texting too much prior to meeting. Chitchatting too much before meeting and distance dating means they're unavailable for regular dating or building a relationship. What apps are you using? Make sure to reset your distance settings. Also meet in a timely fashion. When someone seeks out distance you're setting yourself up for this type of overnight suggestion. "I'm not casual" and choosing distance and too much texting are inconsistent. Edited November 10, 2021 by Wiseman2 1 1
Alpacalia Posted November 10, 2021 Posted November 10, 2021 12 hours ago, babybrowns said: I thought all this was cool, until he texted me the next day saying that since he is working from home this month, he wants to come and stay with me for a few days in my town, in my apartment. Lol, some guys are too funny. Glad you didn't accept his offer. 1
Acacia98 Posted November 10, 2021 Posted November 10, 2021 4 hours ago, babybrowns said: The guy ticked a few boxes that are sometimes hard to find, especially things like being a good listener, which on the last few first dates I’ve gone on I have not encountered much of. He's not really a good listener though, is he? A good listener wouldn't hear you say, "No," and try to coerce you into saying, "Yes." He would genuinely be interested in your opinion, and he would respect it. 5
BaileyB Posted November 10, 2021 Posted November 10, 2021 The fact that he had the poor judgment to invite himself to your home for a few days when you barely know each other negates the fact that you had a good time and he has a good job/education. This is a very inappropriate thing to do and you really need to heed the safety risk here. 1 1
introverted1 Posted November 10, 2021 Posted November 10, 2021 This has a parade of red flags written on it, including some of your own responses, BB. I think it would be a good idea for you to establish your must-have, nice-to-haves, and deal-breakers before you engage with someone. At the point they hit a deal-breaker, move on. All this back-and-forth where you try to turn the guy -- who is a complete stranger -- into what you want is just a giant waste of time and mental energy. And then posting here, tying to figure out the "why" of his behavior. None of this helps you, nor does it advance your dating life. You want to be clear about who you are and what you want and then not allow yourself to be distracted by people that don't fit. As Wiseman said, looking for dates who live 2 hours away is a strategy worth reconsidering. It's one thing to continue dating someone who moves 2 hours away, but quite difficult to initiate a relationship with that sort of distance. Ideally, you match, exchange a few texts, possibly talk on the phone, and meet. All within a few days of matching. If the meeting is good, you meet again. If it isn't, you walk away and it's ok because you haven't invested much. Dating shouldn't be anxiety ridden and, if it is, it might be time for a break. 3
ExpatInItaly Posted November 10, 2021 Posted November 10, 2021 You have to learn how to say no and mean it, BB. He persists because you have weak boundaries. 2
stillafool Posted November 10, 2021 Posted November 10, 2021 Just because someone has a good job and education they can still be broke and stupid. This guy seems like he was just looking for a place to stay. 1
Andy_K Posted November 10, 2021 Posted November 10, 2021 Do you know how many women say they aren't into casual and then go and sleep with guys who clearly have no intention of it going any further? Or who are looking for something serious, but will quite happy sleep with 'Mr Right Now' in the meantime? It's A LOT. By continuing to interact with him after making it clear you know he's only looking for casual, you give him the impression there's a high chance you'll fall into that group, if he just turns the charm on well enough. So obviously he will continue until you either give in or cut him off entirely. 5
kendahke Posted November 10, 2021 Posted November 10, 2021 (edited) 17 hours ago, babybrowns said: It is clear to me that the guy is only after something casual. Where my confusion lies is that, after finding out I’m not in the ‘casual boat’, why did he still try to push things in that direction? You're the one sending out mixed signals. Once he told you he wasn't after what you were, why didn't he stay on block? You keep entertaining him, so he thinks you're one of those chicks who says one thing but wants him to chase and if he chases long enough, he'll wear you down. The fastest way to stop that mess is to stop giving them access to your attention, and that is something you are 100% capable of doing, but you didn't. You're putting your part of this on him when it belongs with you to sort and resolve. Edited November 10, 2021 by kendahke 3
JRabbit Posted November 10, 2021 Posted November 10, 2021 17 hours ago, stillafool said: Because so many women say no when they really mean yes Please don't spread this around. This is not helpful for women and their safety at all to spout this, it is simply not true. 3 2
elaine567 Posted November 10, 2021 Posted November 10, 2021 1 hour ago, Andy_K said: Do you know how many women say they aren't into casual and then go and sleep with guys who clearly have no intention of it going any further? I don't know, do you? 2
elaine567 Posted November 10, 2021 Posted November 10, 2021 I believe a lot of women don't know how to maintain firm boundaries especially in the presence of guys who want sex and will do or say almost anything to get it. Add in a little alcohol to the mix... Women are often people pleasers and do not want to rock the boat. Faced with a horny determined guy, many will fold... it is a survival instinct. What really could she do if he got nasty? 1
introverted1 Posted November 10, 2021 Posted November 10, 2021 (edited) BB, can you clarify what you are looking for? In a thread last week (or maybe the week before), you said you did not want a serious relationship. In this thread, you are saying you don't want something casual. What do you want, and is this clearly spelled out in your dating profile? Edited November 10, 2021 by introverted1 2 1
stillafool Posted November 10, 2021 Posted November 10, 2021 1 hour ago, JRabbit said: Please don't spread this around. This is not helpful for women and their safety at all to spout this, it is simply not true. I don't have to spread it around people are already aware of it, especially men. Women say they want a serious relationship yet go for players and MM. They say they don't want casual sex but have it anyway in hopes of landing a boyfriend. They say they don't want marriage until someone pops up with a ring and then they're all in. They want to be protected yet put themselves in dangerous situations for the company of men. Women contradict themselves all the time so let's not pretend they are so helpless or innocent. I don't think that is helpful. 4
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