gogators_15 Posted November 9, 2021 Posted November 9, 2021 I met this guy a little over a month and a half ago on a dating app, he asked me out on a date but I never really followed up with him since he seemed like a little bit of a player based off his instagram. Anyways - he proceeded to ask me out on another date but it was last minute and I was out of the city for the day. We ended up going out on a date later that week and had SO MUCH FUN, it was honestly the best date I had been on in years. Our energies matched, we were laughing and what not, and he was very clearly interested. We ended up going to two different bars & back to his place, he even suggested going on a second and a third date. The next morning, he offered to drive me home instead of ubering and on the way to the car he told me to hit him up over the weekend when I was done seeing my friends for the night (which seemed weird since it sounded like he wanted me to booty call him - halloween weekend, we both had plans with friends all night), then a few hours later he texted me saying he thought i was fun etc. We messaged the next couple days sporadically on instagram but I didn't text him since I knew he had friends visiting for the weekend and didn't want to booty call him/seem clingy. So I texted him Sunday afternoon and suggested dinner - he told me he might have a busy week at work (he works late, like until 8:30ish) and was going on vacation but would "totally be down for dinner" he just had to see how his work week played out. I then, did not hear from him, so I followed up and he told me it was a really bad week work wise but he was going to see if he could make tomorrow work. I then did not hear from him again, so I texted him about it to confirm and he told me he was still at work but needed to pack for his trip. I regretted sending that follow up text, but hated sitting around and waiting to hear from him last minute. I didn't respond to him since I don't want to be one of those people who doesn't get the hint, then a few days later he responded to my instagram story saying how he needed to meet my dog. I didn't read into this too much but if you're ghosting someone, why continue to breadcrumb/respond to things they are posting? I then proceeded to ask him out again to shoot my shot, he responded with that he would love to if he's back from his vacation this week. I responded and said no worries and asked how his vacation was - in turn got no response. Am I being ghosted? I genuinely cannot tell - he keeps saying he would love to do these things and then I never hear from him. I know he works a lot and he works late but its not hard to send a text. I've never been ghosted before and not sure what to think. My thought was to just not reach out again - I don't want to be one of those people who just doesn't get the hint, but I am really confused just based off how the date went.
Alpacalia Posted November 9, 2021 Posted November 9, 2021 11 minutes ago, gogators_15 said: My thought was to just not reach out again - I don't want to be one of those people who just doesn't get the hint, but I am really confused just based off how the date went. Yes, that sounds like a good idea. You've already reached out quite a few times. If he wants to ask you out he will. 1
ShyViolet Posted November 9, 2021 Posted November 9, 2021 Oh my goodness, don't reach out to him again. You've already texted him multiple times telling him that you want to set up another date. Each time he has replied with a vague excuse. Now it's time for you to leave it alone and see if he contacts you. If he doesn't, then you'll have your answer. Or if he gives you nothing but sporadic breadcrumbs, then that is your cue to cut this off. 2
Gaeta Posted November 9, 2021 Posted November 9, 2021 (edited) 19 minutes ago, gogators_15 said: he responded to my instagram story saying how he needed to meet my dog. I didn't read into this too much but if you're ghosting someone, why continue to breadcrumb/respond to things they are posting? For sexe. He breadcrumbs you here and there and he knows you'll say yes when he gets free. You've TRIPLED text him! That says you can use me. I would block him and move on. Edited November 9, 2021 by Gaeta 3 1
Wiseman2 Posted November 9, 2021 Posted November 9, 2021 24 minutes ago, gogators_15 said: a few days later he responded to my instagram story saying how he needed to meet my dog. I then proceeded to ask him out again to shoot my shot, he responded with that he would love to if he's back from his vacation this week. It seems like he likes you and is interested. However after one date, keep in mind you're both still talking to and meeting others. It's neither ghosting nor bread crumbing. Just step back a bit and let him reach out when he's back from vacation.
glows Posted November 9, 2021 Posted November 9, 2021 He's not ghosting you. He's just being pleasant and cordial. This reads as social butterfly and fly by the seat of his pants. All his plans seem spontaneous so treat him as a someone you may have a good time with but he may not be available for anything else beyond what he can see on his schedule past 12 hours at a time. If this is not attractive to you, pass.
Girl Fade Away Posted November 9, 2021 Posted November 9, 2021 (edited) 20 minutes ago, Gaeta said: For sexe. He breadcrumbs you here and there and he knows you'll say yes when he gets free. You've TRIPLED text him! That says you can use me. I would block him and move on. I then proceeded to ask him out again to shoot my shot, he responded with that he would love to if he's back from his vacation this week. I responded and said no worries and asked how his vacation was - in turn got no response. Not only did she triple text but when he finally tossed her a crumb, she asked him out again to which he declined with yet another excuse, she responded and he ignored. Another reason why a woman should never chase a man. I am sorry @gogators_15, this is done. Edited November 9, 2021 by Girl Fade Away 2 1
dramafreezone Posted November 9, 2021 Posted November 9, 2021 (edited) My thoughts are I don't think it matters whether he's ghosting you or not. You should respond to it the same way, with just leaving him be. He may very well be busy with work, or he may be dating other women but not wanting to shove it in your face. He's probably not going on vacation by himself. The bottom line is you just don't know what all a person has going on in their life, so taking it personally when he's not getting back to you may say more about you then it does about him. The worst thing we can do when dating is to internalize everything. It's not all about us. Just go about your life, he won't forget about you if he's interested. Edited November 9, 2021 by dramafreezone 3
ExpatInItaly Posted November 9, 2021 Posted November 9, 2021 He might not be ghosting you entirely, but he's not overly interested, either. I would stop contacting him and not expect this to develop beyond casual fun when it's mutually convenient. Remember your first instinct? 2 hours ago, gogators_15 said: he seemed like a little bit of a player based off his instagram 2
Girl Fade Away Posted November 9, 2021 Posted November 9, 2021 (edited) 2 hours ago, gogators_15 said: We ended up going out on a date later that week and had SO MUCH FUN, it was honestly the best date I had been on in years. Our energies matched, we were laughing and what not, and he was very clearly interested. We ended up going to two different bars & back to his place, he even suggested going on a second and a third date. The next morning, he offered to drive me home instead of ubering. I hope I am not out of line asking this but did you have sex with this guy? I assume yes since you spent the night and the 'next morning' he offered to drive you home. If you did, that could be why he is not in any hurry to see you again, he has already 'sealed the deal' as the saying goes. Suggesting a second or third date, did he suggest this before or after sex? Sometimes people can get caught up in the moment. If or when his options dry up, he may hit you up again. If you did not have sex and just cuddled slept together with no sex, then I don't know but I agree with the poster who said he might not be ghosting per say but he sure does not seem very interested. Are you dating other men? Edited November 9, 2021 by Girl Fade Away 3
chillii Posted November 9, 2021 Posted November 9, 2021 (edited) Yep , back to his place first night whenever that was, how easy was that. And you've chased him around but still nothing but niceties too busy and fluff ever since, however long that's been. Agree with above when he's at a loose end and suddenly not too busy sometime you might get another rain check for a night but it's going nowhere. Edited November 9, 2021 by chillii 1
stillafool Posted November 9, 2021 Posted November 9, 2021 What is it with all the guys having to go on vacations as soon as they meet a girl? It's almost like a set up just in case they need to disappear for a week or two as an excuse to ghost. I agree with the others OP, just let him be at this point and hopefully he will contact you. If he had a Player vibe really leave him alone because you already know what he's doing. 5 1
Girl Fade Away Posted November 9, 2021 Posted November 9, 2021 18 minutes ago, stillafool said: What is it with all the guys having to go on vacations as soon as they meet a girl? It's almost like a set up just in case they need to disappear for a week or two as an excuse to ghost. Lol, that is exactly what it is I think it must be written in some player handbook or something. 3
Author gogators_15 Posted November 9, 2021 Author Posted November 9, 2021 45 minutes ago, Girl Fade Away said: I hope I am not out of line asking this but did you have sex with this guy? I assume yes since you spent the night and the 'next morning' he offered to drive you home. If you did, that could be why he is not in any hurry to see you again, he has already 'sealed the deal' as the saying goes. Suggesting a second or third date, did he suggest this before or after sex? Sometimes people can get caught up in the moment. If or when his options dry up, he may hit you up again. If you did not have sex and just cuddled slept together with no sex, then I don't know but I agree with the poster who said he might not be ghosting per say but he sure does not seem very interested. Are you dating other men? Yes he did mention the second and third date an hour into the first date. I am keeping my options open but just no one has interested me! 1
Alpacalia Posted November 9, 2021 Posted November 9, 2021 8 minutes ago, gogators_15 said: Yes he did mention the second and third date an hour into the first date And you didn't find that to be a bit off given that he had just met you one hour earlier? He barely knows you or had time to decide whether or not he liked you and already he's making plans for future dates.
dramafreezone Posted November 9, 2021 Posted November 9, 2021 2 hours ago, stillafool said: What is it with all the guys having to go on vacations as soon as they meet a girl? It's almost like a set up just in case they need to disappear for a week or two as an excuse to ghost. He probably had it planned before they even met. That's what I mean about we internalize things too much, I don't think it had a thing to do with the OP. People have life events in motion before we meet them, and they're not going to just drop everything because they meet someone they like.
Girl Fade Away Posted November 10, 2021 Posted November 10, 2021 (edited) 11 minutes ago, dramafreezone said: He probably had it planned before they even met. That's what I mean about we internalize things too much, I don't think it had a thing to do with the OP. People have life events in motion before we meet them, and they're not going to just drop everything because they meet someone they like. Try being a girl for one minute. lol This happens way WAY too often to chalk it up to "he planned it before they met." Give me a break. It's calculated and it usually happens with player-type guys who plan on having sex with a girl but do not plan to contact her again. So he tells her he's "going on vacation for a month." LOL When I was dating, I had too many men say this to me to believe it was pre-planned. Oh and I just remembered this. My friend had a guy who tried very hard to push her into bed tell her he was leaving for vacation the following day and guess what? While he was supposed to be on vacay, she ran into him two days later at a restaurant!! BUSTED! True Story! Edited November 10, 2021 by Girl Fade Away
dramafreezone Posted November 10, 2021 Posted November 10, 2021 3 minutes ago, Girl Fade Away said: Try being a girl for one minute. lol This happens way WAY too often to chalk it up to "he planned it before they met." Give me a break. It's calculated and it usually happens with player-type guys who plan on having sex with a girl but do not plan to contact her again. So he tells her he's "going on vacation for a month." LOL When I was dating, I had too many men say this to me to believe it was pre-planned. Oh and I just remembered this. My friend had a guy who tried very hard to push her into bed tell her he was leaving for vacation the following day and guess what? While he was supposed to be on vacay, she ran into him two days later at a restaurant!! BUSTED! Well you have your lived experiences to fall back on, but what I will say is that *some* guys do go on vacation. Those resorts are taking reservations from someone. And maybe you tend to date men of a certain socioeconomic strata, who take vacations regularly. That one or two times where you confirmed that the guy was being dishonest to you doesn't automatically mean that all guys are running the same game. In any event, I just think the OP is too invested, too soon, and the guy probably doesn't want to hurt her feelings.
Girl Fade Away Posted November 10, 2021 Posted November 10, 2021 (edited) @dramafreezone It happened more than one or two times, it happened to my friends too and @stillafoolalso questioned it. I was never embittered about it, I kinda chuckled whenever I heard it. For the most part my dating experiences were good. I agree with you that the OP is too invested and guy may have been letting her down gently. OR keeping her on backburner, hard to know. I still would not be surprised if he hit her up later. Edited November 10, 2021 by Girl Fade Away
Acacia98 Posted November 10, 2021 Posted November 10, 2021 OP, I'd just block him and get on with my life. He sounds flaky (suggesting stuff when it's too early to know if he'll want to do it, giving vague answers about a possible date, being selective about what to respond to, sending breadcrumbs). Even if he ultimately confirmed for a date, he's set the expectation that this is what he will be like going forward. So, if you don't enjoy the way you're being treated, block and move on.
stillafool Posted November 10, 2021 Posted November 10, 2021 14 hours ago, dramafreezone said: He probably had it planned before they even met. That's what I mean about we internalize things too much, I don't think it had a thing to do with the OP. People have life events in motion before we meet them, and they're not going to just drop everything because they meet someone they like. I wasn't just talking about this thread or OP. Reading around here it seems a lot of the guys women are meeting have vacations planned right after the 1st meet up or date.
stillafool Posted November 10, 2021 Posted November 10, 2021 16 hours ago, gogators_15 said: I am keeping my options open but just no one has interested me! But the guy who seemed a bit of a player did interest you. Women need to raise their standards. 1
Wiseman2 Posted November 10, 2021 Posted November 10, 2021 20 hours ago, gogators_15 said: Yes he did mention the second and third date an hour into the first date. I am keeping my options open but just no one has interested me! That's good. "Ghosting" is a descriptive term borne of new phenomena, but is also vague. When, exactly, is it ghosting? How many hours, days, weeks? There's no real quantitative value to it. So, if he contacts you after he's back from vacation is it "unghosting" ? Relax most people don't chitchat with someone they were on one date with while on vacation. Keep in mind one-and-done dates are unfortunately more common than not and it doesn't matter how well it s went, if intimacy took place or not, etc.
dramafreezone Posted November 10, 2021 Posted November 10, 2021 (edited) 51 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: That's good. "Ghosting" is a descriptive term borne of new phenomena, but is also vague. When, exactly, is it ghosting? How many hours, days, weeks? There's no real quantitative value to it. So, if he contacts you after he's back from vacation is it "unghosting" ? Relax most people don't chitchat with someone they were on one date with while on vacation. Keep in mind one-and-done dates are unfortunately more common than not and it doesn't matter how well it s went, if intimacy took place or not, etc. To me ghosting means zero contact. The ghoster for all intents and purposes is a ghost, which is to say non-existent. If he contacts you, then it's not ghosting by the most accepted definition, but maybe people now expand the term to mean decreased contact. Apparently some guys use a vacation as a reason why they won't be in contact with a woman. I haven't heard of any guys doing it but it may be in the "Chad" manual. Edited November 10, 2021 by dramafreezone
nc87whf Posted November 12, 2021 Posted November 12, 2021 I had an extremely similar experience recently - the guy also asked for follow-up dates at the end of first and second dates, but the communicate tapered off after we parted ways. I did let him know that I'd be interested in meeting up again and he ended up not messaging for a week or so, only to contact me again asking "hey, how's it going". I told him I would have appreciated that he followed through on actually planning the next date, since he asked directly and I said yes, and he got mad - said that I could have followed up too. Basically, there are a lot of people who are involved in a lot of things and people - they are not the exact type of "planners" some of us are looking for. They play it by ear and will contact you when it's most convenient to them. He may be still interested, but definitely not very interested. If you already feel sour about this, your choice is 1) regard him as a friend and have some causal fun, when your plans and his plans finally match up, if that's okay with you; 2) if that's not okay with you, date others who are much better at following through. The thing I learned now it's that after 1 or 2 or 3 dates, most of us are still exploring options and learning about the other person - it's best if we think "will their behavior bother me if they are just a friend?" At the same time, it's okay to expect more, but we have to find the person who also wants more like us.
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