Reznar Posted November 8, 2021 Posted November 8, 2021 This girl and I have been seeing each other for 2 months, although we've known each other for about a year now (always had a lot of chemistry). It has been really passionate and everything moved quickly (maybe a bit too quickly, as she said that we skipped that phase of slowly falling in love and jumped from “I like you” to “I love you” really quickly). She does have red flags (jealousy and strong insecurity about herself) which she wanted to work on for a long time now, even before she started dating me because we were in a similar circle of friends and I know that it is true. Last week she found out that she got a job in a company (she would be working 4 hours a day as a student) and she also works at another job 8 hours a day. She plans on working both of those jobs to be financially secure and also go to college. This, as you might guess, leaves very little time for us hanging out since she will be working weekends as well. She said that she wants to focus on that for now and she wants to work on those inner problems that I mentioned. She also said that I am the number 1 guy that she wants to be with and the person she can see herself being with forever, but she wants to work on the problems with jealousy and insecurity and get her life together with those jobs. If she doesn't work on her insecurities we won’t last long and I agreed. I'm a really secure guy and she also mentioned that because of me being secured she feels like she is levels below me and wants to be a quality girl for me, not someone who will be jealous of everything and everyone. However, it is still technically a breakup and who knows what might happen in the future (she could meet someone, I could meet someone, etc.), life could just get in the way. But she also said things like: "You're the guy for me, we have so much chemistry, it was amazing with you, this might reignite in the future, etc." But right now she just wants to focus on her and not think too much about the future and what will happen. She doesn't want to lose me and she doesn't want to have a life without me in it and she suggested that we be friends for NOW. I told her that I respect her decision and I would choose career and myself in that situation too, but I don't want us to keep messaging each other every day all the time like we used to because I don't do that with friends and I don’t really want to be her classic friend and that I just can’t be only friends with her. I told her that we could go for a coffee here and there and she could always contact me when she feels like it, but I don't wanna keep talking all the time like we used to. My logic was that, since we have so much chemistry and she mentioned a couple of times that I'm the best she had and that I am amazing in every way, to just be "there". You know, not be her everyday text best friend, but be in the proximity and keep a really light contact with her (I’ll always wait for her to contact me first) just so in the future, there could be a chance to reignite that flame once again. Because there will always be tension between us, and if we were to be left alone something would always happen. That's why I thought this is the best path and not no contact. Thoughts? Did I do a good thing by not going no contact completely? Is she saying the truth or did she lose attraction and is using that as an excuse?
dramafreezone Posted November 8, 2021 Posted November 8, 2021 (edited) 37 minutes ago, Reznar said: This girl and I have been seeing each other for 2 months, although we've known each other for about a year now (always had a lot of chemistry). It has been really passionate and everything moved quickly (maybe a bit too quickly, as she said that we skipped that phase of slowly falling in love and jumped from “I like you” to “I love you” really quickly). She does have red flags (jealousy and strong insecurity about herself) which she wanted to work on for a long time now, even before she started dating me because we were in a similar circle of friends and I know that it is true. Last week she found out that she got a job in a company (she would be working 4 hours a day as a student) and she also works at another job 8 hours a day. She plans on working both of those jobs to be financially secure and also go to college. This, as you might guess, leaves very little time for us hanging out since she will be working weekends as well. She said that she wants to focus on that for now and she wants to work on those inner problems that I mentioned. She also said that I am the number 1 guy that she wants to be with and the person she can see herself being with forever, but she wants to work on the problems with jealousy and insecurity and get her life together with those jobs. If she doesn't work on her insecurities we won’t last long and I agreed. I'm a really secure guy and she also mentioned that because of me being secured she feels like she is levels below me and wants to be a quality girl for me, not someone who will be jealous of everything and everyone. However, it is still technically a breakup and who knows what might happen in the future (she could meet someone, I could meet someone, etc.), life could just get in the way. But she also said things like: "You're the guy for me, we have so much chemistry, it was amazing with you, this might reignite in the future, etc." But right now she just wants to focus on her and not think too much about the future and what will happen. She doesn't want to lose me and she doesn't want to have a life without me in it and she suggested that we be friends for NOW. I told her that I respect her decision and I would choose career and myself in that situation too, but I don't want us to keep messaging each other every day all the time like we used to because I don't do that with friends and I don’t really want to be her classic friend and that I just can’t be only friends with her. I told her that we could go for a coffee here and there and she could always contact me when she feels like it, but I don't wanna keep talking all the time like we used to. My logic was that, since we have so much chemistry and she mentioned a couple of times that I'm the best she had and that I am amazing in every way, to just be "there". You know, not be her everyday text best friend, but be in the proximity and keep a really light contact with her (I’ll always wait for her to contact me first) just so in the future, there could be a chance to reignite that flame once again. Because there will always be tension between us, and if we were to be left alone something would always happen. That's why I thought this is the best path and not no contact. Thoughts? Did I do a good thing by not going no contact completely? Is she saying the truth or did she lose attraction and is using that as an excuse? I don't know if I'd be buying all of what she's saying. Basically "You are the only guy for me but I have to let you guy so I can work on myself?" Doesn't make any sense. If you were the only guy for her then there's not a chance she'd let you go. Why would she voluntarily let go of the only guy for her? Women don't break up with guys that they're in love with. I'm thinking things moved too fast too soon and she's not feeling that passion that she felt at the very beginning, so essentially a loss of attraction. She's just trying to let you down easy, breakup but not in a way that makes you feel worse about yourself. I don't think you really have a choice here. Just back off and leave her be. Edited November 8, 2021 by dramafreezone 5
Author Reznar Posted November 8, 2021 Author Posted November 8, 2021 (edited) 10 minutes ago, dramafreezone said: I don't know if I'd be buying all of what she's saying. Basically "You are the only guy for me but I have to let you guy so I can work on myself?" Doesn't make any sense. If you were the only guy for her then there's not a chance she'd let you go. Why would she voluntarily let go of the only guy for her? Women don't break up with guys that they're in love with. I'm thinking things moved too fast too soon and she's not feeling that passion that she felt at the very beginning, so essentially a loss of attraction. She's just trying to let you down easy, breakup but not in a way that makes you feel worse about yourself. I don't think you really have a choice here. Just back off and leave her be. I get your point, however, she was really the same on the messages and in real life, she hasn't gone cold or anything like a person usually does when they lose attraction. We even spent 4 days together on the Halloween weekend, everything was the same. She was loveydovey, nicknaming, the sex was great etc. The usual. Same this last week. She was supposed to start that new job in January and not work the second job, but they called her to start working immediately and after taking a few days of thinking she decided to do what I wrote. Keep in mind though that she is very insecure and I have a history of being with a lot of girls which always bugged her and even in the beginning she told me that she would have to work on that. There were hints from the beginning that this might happen, but we just didn't know for sure. It's also true that we might not be able to see each other, her workload would be massive. I'm not really great with time myself either. It is possible what you are saying though, I am also thinking about that option too. Edited November 8, 2021 by Reznar
glows Posted November 8, 2021 Posted November 8, 2021 Yes, of course. Distance yourself so you can meet other women. You're not expected to wait around for her. Let things cool off for a good while. It'll give you time to rethink whether she's relationship material also. 1
elaine567 Posted November 8, 2021 Posted November 8, 2021 13 minutes ago, Reznar said: I have a history of being with a lot of girls which always bugged her and even in the beginning she told me that she would have to work on that. She dumped you. She has too much going on and she can't handle your past anyway, so you had to go. Forget about re-igniting in the future, it ain't gonna happen. The usual soft rejection BS. Sorry, but you need to move on. You can't be friends, so let her go completely. 2
Author Reznar Posted November 8, 2021 Author Posted November 8, 2021 8 minutes ago, glows said: Yes, of course. Distance yourself so you can meet other women. You're not expected to wait around for her. Let things cool off for a good while. It'll give you time to rethink whether she's relationship material also. What if she contacts me often and doesn't let this cooling off to happen? I am in no contact, but we are in the same social circle pretty much and it is possible that she will often call me to get a cup of coffee somewhere, the two off us. In that situation, I plan on being my usual self like I was when I met her and just flirt and have fun, and then after an hour or so just tell her that it has been fun and that I have to go somewhere else.
Foxhall Posted November 8, 2021 Posted November 8, 2021 1 hour ago, Reznar said: Did I do a good thing by not going no contact completely I think so, its always good to keep the door open for the future, a similar thread in play now I said the opposite - best to cut contact, but the difference with you- you can handle just having her casually in the background, keep your own options open-play the field as it were, but yes no harm in keeping this one onside, women get thoughts in their mind "they have to do such a thing now" but look her tune could change again a few months down the line,
dramafreezone Posted November 9, 2021 Posted November 9, 2021 (edited) Judge a person's actions, not their words. Quote What if she contacts me often and doesn't let this cooling off to happen? I am in no contact, but we are in the same social circle pretty much and it is possible that she will often call me to get a cup of coffee somewhere, the two off us. In that situation, I plan on being my usual self like I was when I met her and just flirt and have fun, and then after an hour or so just tell her that it has been fun and that I have to go somewhere else. People will do this when they break up with you. They want to keep tabs on you in case they change their mind. It's having their cake and eating it too, she's not committed but if whatever else she has planned falls through, she has you as a backup. Keep phone calls to a minimum, 2-3 minutes, answer texts the next day. You have to have other stuff to do. She forfeited the right to have long phone conversations, those are GF privleges. Edited November 9, 2021 by dramafreezone 2
Ami1uwant Posted November 9, 2021 Posted November 9, 2021 4 hours ago, Reznar said: What if she contacts me often and doesn't let this cooling off to happen? I am in no contact, but we are in the same social circle pretty much and it is possible that she will often call me to get a cup of coffee somewhere, the two off us. In that situation, I plan on being my usual self like I was when I met her and just flirt and have fun, and then after an hour or so just tell her that it has been fun and that I have to go somewhere else. You need to cut off contact if bf/gf is over. 2
Author Reznar Posted November 9, 2021 Author Posted November 9, 2021 10 hours ago, dramafreezone said: Judge a person's actions, not their words. People will do this when they break up with you. They want to keep tabs on you in case they change their mind. It's having their cake and eating it too, she's not committed but if whatever else she has planned falls through, she has you as a backup. Keep phone calls to a minimum, 2-3 minutes, answer texts the next day. You have to have other stuff to do. She forfeited the right to have long phone conversations, those are GF privleges. Yeah, I think it is a situation where it could be the case of both things. She probably lost some of the attraction but is telling the truth about the other stuff too, so right now she will concentrate on herself but will definitely be very watchful of what I'm doing and how I am reacting to everything.
Wiseman2 Posted November 9, 2021 Posted November 9, 2021 12 hours ago, Reznar said: I have a history of being with a lot of girls Why does she know "you have a history of a lot of girls"? She doesn't seem insecure she seems cautious because you're giving her TMI about your sexual conquests. That is usually due to inexperience with women. How old is she? She seems quite ambitious, so you'll have to see how that goes and how busy she'll be. Stop talking about "her' insecurities. And.. stop talking about your past. It's just 60 days dating and a bit too much too soon. Slow down. She's already getting "very busy" and that's not a good sign.
Author Reznar Posted November 9, 2021 Author Posted November 9, 2021 3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Why does she know "you have a history of a lot of girls"? She doesn't seem insecure she seems cautious because you're giving her TMI about your sexual conquests. That is usually due to inexperience with women. How old is she? She seems quite ambitious, so you'll have to see how that goes and how busy she'll be. Stop talking about "her' insecurities. And.. stop talking about your past. It's just 60 days dating and a bit too much too soon. Slow down. She's already getting "very busy" and that's not a good sign. We are from a really small town and from the same social circle pretty much. I haven't told her a thing about my past lol, she always knew it, even before we started dating.
spiderowl Posted November 9, 2021 Posted November 9, 2021 Hi Reznar, I think you are correct in that she has effectively broken up with you. She wants to focus on other things, so best thing to do is to leave her to do that. There is no harm in staying in light contact with her if you can do that and it does not upset you, it depends how you are feeling really. Who knows whether you will get together again? Sometimes there are on/off relationships where people are good for each other but do not feel exactly right for each other; they get together, break up, reconsider, get together, break up ... It does not sound like that is what you are looking for. She's got a lot going on at the moment. If there is no space for you there, it is best for you to find someone else. The right person will be there for you and want you to be there for them. 1
glows Posted November 9, 2021 Posted November 9, 2021 14 hours ago, Reznar said: What if she contacts me often and doesn't let this cooling off to happen? I am in no contact, but we are in the same social circle pretty much and it is possible that she will often call me to get a cup of coffee somewhere, the two off us. In that situation, I plan on being my usual self like I was when I met her and just flirt and have fun, and then after an hour or so just tell her that it has been fun and that I have to go somewhere else. Since you are in a small town and everyone knows your business, keep it simple and respectful around her. If you feel up for a cup of coffee enjoy it but if you're hoping for more to come out of it, be prepared that she may not think of you as boyfriend material or ever want to be in a relationship with you. When you say that you have trouble with time management, how so?
Author Reznar Posted November 9, 2021 Author Posted November 9, 2021 30 minutes ago, glows said: Since you are in a small town and everyone knows your business, keep it simple and respectful around her. If you feel up for a cup of coffee enjoy it but if you're hoping for more to come out of it, be prepared that she may not think of you as boyfriend material or ever want to be in a relationship with you. When you say that you have trouble with time management, how so? I work a lot too, and the only time when I am really available is after 6-7pm and on the weekends. It would be cool to hang out then, but she will also work on the weekends. Plus I also have a lot of friends and have to see them too. When she is on her morning shift she is available, but I can't meet her then because I am working 8-5pm during the week. I could go for a coffee just to be in the proximity, I'm planning on being full flirty and the same as I was in the beginning when she met me. I wouldn't be around for too long however, just a short coffee to not seem mad or anything like that. Before all this, I was supposed to help her with her English study that she has for one of her tests soon, and after we did the talk about the breakup, she asked me if I would still be willing to help her because she needs to pass this. Back then I said sure, but I'm guessing I shouldn't do that, right? She broke it off, so she gets demoted in my life too.
glows Posted November 9, 2021 Posted November 9, 2021 (edited) 10 minutes ago, Reznar said: I work a lot too, and the only time when I am really available is after 6-7pm and on the weekends. It would be cool to hang out then, but she will also work on the weekends. Plus I also have a lot of friends and have to see them too. When she is on her morning shift she is available, but I can't meet her then because I am working 8-5pm during the week. I could go for a coffee just to be in the proximity, I'm planning on being full flirty and the same as I was in the beginning when she met me. I wouldn't be around for too long however, just a short coffee to not seem mad or anything like that. Before all this, I was supposed to help her with her English study that she has for one of her tests soon, and after we did the talk about the breakup, she asked me if I would still be willing to help her because she needs to pass this. Back then I said sure, but I'm guessing I shouldn't do that, right? She broke it off, so she gets demoted in my life too. I wouldn't say demoted. It's out of mutual respect for the circumstances and being responsible for yourself, as in distancing yourself appropriately so that you can think clearly and go about your other business and commitments without hitch. The coffee meets can be skipped if all you are doing is staying on the radar. It feels like you still want something from her if you are wanting to stay on the radar or "be in the proximity". Until you let the idea of the relationship go or put this break up in perspective, this will be an uncomfortable situation for you. Coffee meets or meeting up would be fine if you are platonic friends only with no other intentions or motives. She's flirty with you but if you want more than that you are passing ships in the night. You will continue to meet across the water but your lives don't ever converge. It seems you both are incompatible and she's uncomfortable with you on a deeper level. I am not sure why you are putting yourself in a position where you are around someone like this. Date someone else who is more open to you and less insecure or hot/cold. Edited November 9, 2021 by glows
smackie9 Posted November 9, 2021 Posted November 9, 2021 Whatever her reasons, lies or excuses, bottom line, she doesn't want to date you.
introverted1 Posted November 9, 2021 Posted November 9, 2021 6 hours ago, Reznar said: I work a lot too, and the only time when I am really available is after 6-7pm and on the weekends. It would be cool to hang out then, but she will also work on the weekends. Plus I also have a lot of friends and have to see them too. When she is on her morning shift she is available, but I can't meet her then because I am working 8-5pm during the week. I could go for a coffee just to be in the proximity, I'm planning on being full flirty and the same as I was in the beginning when she met me. I wouldn't be around for too long however, just a short coffee to not seem mad or anything like that. Before all this, I was supposed to help her with her English study that she has for one of her tests soon, and after we did the talk about the breakup, she asked me if I would still be willing to help her because she needs to pass this. Back then I said sure, but I'm guessing I shouldn't do that, right? She broke it off, so she gets demoted in my life too. Yep. In fact, I'd say fired, not just demoted. Whatever her real reason is for cooling off -- and I am in the camp that you don't tell "the only guy for me" that you need a break -- doesn't really matter. She effectively broke up, so she doesn't get girlfriend privileges. As for not seeming like you're mad... you are overthinking this. She's just another ex and the best thing you can do is find someone else to date.
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