divegrl Posted November 8, 2021 Posted November 8, 2021 Hi All, I don’t know if I am posting for advice or just posting to write out my thoughts and feelings. Bf and I have been together since last winter. He is ready for more (engagement), while I still need more time to make that sort of commitment. Yet the longer we are together, the more the feelings of infatuation (hormones and chemicals) wear off. I am trying to navigate this next stage of our relationship. I have not been in a relationship that’s lasted longer then a year, for the past couple of years. It feels very disorienting. I guess I am trying to figure out how to keep that sense of aliveness… or is that even realistic? He says is he very happy with our relationship, but I feel like we have fallen into a bit of a routine. Is there a way to deepen the connection, post honeymoon phase? Thank you so much for listening!!!
Wiseman2 Posted November 8, 2021 Posted November 8, 2021 Slow down. Why get engaged/live together when only dating a year and the chemistry is already going flat? Maybe he's not the one, maybe this is too much too soon and you feel trapped? 3
Gaeta Posted November 8, 2021 Posted November 8, 2021 What annoyes you exactly? After a year we usually know if we're with the right person. 1
Weezy1973 Posted November 8, 2021 Posted November 8, 2021 2 hours ago, divegrl said: I guess I am trying to figure out how to keep that sense of aliveness… or is that even realistic? He says is he very happy with our relationship, but I feel like we have fallen into a bit of a routine. Is there a way to deepen the connection, post honeymoon phase? You keep the sense of aliveness by doing new things together. Inevitably relationships will fall into routine because we are creatures of habit and even when single we tend to have routines. Punctuating the routines with new experiences together can bring back the “new relationship” feeling. What do you mean by deepen the connection? The best way to have a deep connection is if each of you are being your honest, authentic selves. That’s true intimacy. 1
FMW Posted November 8, 2021 Posted November 8, 2021 No need to rush, give it more time until you are clearer on your feelings. You should still have plenty to discover about each other, and continued shared experiences alone or with friends and family will naturally deepen the bond. While infatuation wearing off is indeed normal, in my experience it usually lasts at least to some extent for more than a year. I've been with my guy a few years. While I certainly feel annoyed at times and appreciate time apart, there are plenty of others I still get a flush of excitement looking into his eyes or holding his hand. You don't have to be certain about engagement/marriage, but you should be certain about your connection/bond, and at the very least your desire to keep moving forward. 5
Gaeta Posted November 9, 2021 Posted November 9, 2021 2 hours ago, divegrl said: Bf and I have been together since last winter. He is ready for more (engagement), while I still need more time to make that sort of commitment. In your last thread you said you did not even know what he meant by *more engagement* and it was not about moving in together, that it was impossible for a while. You were suppose to ask him what he meant by more commitment, what does he mean? Sounds to me this man is pressuring you and your instinct is kicking in to tell you something is off. 1
BaileyB Posted November 9, 2021 Posted November 9, 2021 15 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said: What do you mean by deepen the connection? The best way to have a deep connection is if each of you are being your honest, authentic selves. That’s true intimacy. And that’s actually the beauty of a long term relationship. It doesn’t feel the same as the beginning of a relationship with all the new experiences and you are learning about each other. In its place, you find a familiarity and comfort with that person… and that is a wonderful thing. You do have to continue to invest in the relationship or it will get stale, boring, routine. One way to do that is to continue to do new things together, to have fun together, to play together. 2
dramafreezone Posted November 9, 2021 Posted November 9, 2021 3 hours ago, divegrl said: I guess I am trying to figure out how to keep that sense of aliveness… or is that even realistic? He says is he very happy with our relationship, but I feel like we have fallen into a bit of a routine. Is there a way to deepen the connection, post honeymoon phase? The answer (in my opinion) is that this is not realistic. Infatuation is supposed to wear off, it's not unlike a reaction to a drug, because the feeling of butterflies, being "in love" can be explained completely by chemical reactions in our brains. At a certain point our significant others don't cause that release of chemicals as they once did. The infatuation in the best cases is replaced by a deeper respect and admiration for this person. What do you admire about this person? In what ways do you wish you were like him, or what about him do you seek to emulate? I think the best relationships are with people that have what we lack, and wish we had in ourselves, and not always just our similarities. 2
chillii Posted November 9, 2021 Posted November 9, 2021 lf your trying to figure that out so soon , or giving it chemical terms, then you have no idea but in all honesty , the real thing is far far more powerful and far beyond any chemical bs labels and explanations they like to try making it all so nicely pocketed with, and it lasts a lot lot longer than that. Sooooo, it's not looking good l'm afraid. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted November 9, 2021 Posted November 9, 2021 6 hours ago, Gaeta said: In your last thread you said you did not even know what he meant by *more engagement* and it was not about moving in together, that it was impossible for a while. You were suppose to ask him what he meant by more commitment, what does he mean? Sounds to me this man is pressuring you and your instinct is kicking in to tell you something is off. I was about to mention the same things. You don't seem as into him as he is into you, based not only on this thread but also your previous one. 3
smackie9 Posted November 9, 2021 Posted November 9, 2021 There is nothing wrong with putting the brakes on. It hasn't been a year yet and he's planting a ring on your finger. Way too soon. You still need to grow together a bit more before you can totally be sure it's forever. As for rekindling, it's about sharing the same interests and passions, and open to doing new things together. If you don't have that, then there is nothing to sustain things for the long haul. 2
dramafreezone Posted November 9, 2021 Posted November 9, 2021 (edited) 10 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: I was about to mention the same things. You don't seem as into him as he is into you, based not only on this thread but also your previous one. I have a theory that someone is always going to be "chasing" the other. In the best relationships it's closer to 50/50, but in most cases it's probably just really close to that, say 52/48, or 55/45 The extreme lack of balance is what turns people off, where one person is putting forth little effort and the other is doing everything, so 95/5. The one not putting forth the effort eventually just loses respect for the one that is, and some degree of that is probably happening with the OP, which is why I asked does she even respect this guy. Edited November 9, 2021 by dramafreezone 2
mark clemson Posted November 9, 2021 Posted November 9, 2021 20 hours ago, divegrl said: I guess I am trying to figure out how to keep that sense of aliveness… or is that even realistic? He says is he very happy with our relationship, but I feel like we have fallen into a bit of a routine. Is there a way to deepen the connection, post honeymoon phase? LT love is simply not like "new love". They are neurologically different for the vast majority of people. So in that sense it is unrealistic and there are those who "chase" the new love feeling and discard partners after a year or two when it fades. LT love can include greater intimacy, "growing together" as you both support each other through life's inevitable ups and downs, and deeply caring for the other person as someone who will "always be there" (for what one can foresee, anyhow) among other things, and so mutually wanting what is best for one another. This might be an unpopular opinion, but (IMO) there is nothing inherently wrong with being a new love "chaser". It's realistic because a) you MIGHT find a person you genuinely want to stay with LT and b) any LTR attempt might or might not actually work out anyhow, and c) these folks tend not to hang on too long if/when they become unhappy. In thinking whether to stay with this partner LT, I'd say DON'T expect them to be perfect (because no one actually is) but DO make sure they are "genuinely pretty good" for you. That is what one can reasonably expect. To stay with them LT just because "they're there" and/or out of inertia when you wouldn't actually be pretty happy with them would be doing yourself AND THEM a disservice. Keep in mind that people (them AND you) change over time, and even a "perfect" partner today might be unbearable in 10 years. That risk is unavoidable. So being reasonable and realistic and finding someone "pretty good" who is also reasonably flexible is more likely to work out LT IMO. 1
Author divegrl Posted November 9, 2021 Author Posted November 9, 2021 18 hours ago, BaileyB said: And that’s actually the beauty of a long term relationship. It doesn’t feel the same as the beginning of a relationship with all the new experiences and you are learning about each other. In its place, you find a familiarity and comfort with that person… and that is a wonderful thing. You do have to continue to invest in the relationship or it will get stale, boring, routine. One way to do that is to continue to do new things together, to have fun together, to play together. Thank you for this response Bailey. There is a beauty in being in a committed long term relationship. Maybe I just need to change my perspective a little. There is calm and peace in my heart. There is trust. There is seeing someone fully; and letting them fully know and see me. It’s just different and an adjustment. Being grateful for our relationship as it is now is very helpful so thank you!!! 1
Author divegrl Posted November 9, 2021 Author Posted November 9, 2021 18 hours ago, FMW said: No need to rush, give it more time until you are clearer on your feelings. You should still have plenty to discover about each other, and continued shared experiences alone or with friends and family will naturally deepen the bond. While infatuation wearing off is indeed normal, in my experience it usually lasts at least to some extent for more than a year. I've been with my guy a few years. While I certainly feel annoyed at times and appreciate time apart, there are plenty of others I still get a flush of excitement looking into his eyes or holding his hand. You don't have to be certain about engagement/marriage, but you should be certain about your connection/bond, and at the very least your desire to keep moving forward. Hi! Thank you for this. Yes, I am not rushing into anything and he knows this. He is open about how he feels, but not pushy. I am so happy that you have been with your guy for a couple of years! My emotions are definitely an ebb and flow. You are right. Definitely not certain about getting engaged, but our connection + core values + love for each other, I absolutely want to be with him.
Author divegrl Posted November 9, 2021 Author Posted November 9, 2021 I need to give a bit more thought to this…. But I have definitely been the “chaser” for the majority of our relationship. Up until a couple months ago, when he became the “chaser”. And now, I think our emotions are pretty well balanced.
Mrin Posted November 9, 2021 Posted November 9, 2021 1 hour ago, divegrl said: I need to give a bit more thought to this…. But I have definitely been the “chaser” for the majority of our relationship. Up until a couple months ago, when he became the “chaser”. And now, I think our emotions are pretty well balanced. Oh this is really interesting. Here's a concept for you. I was chatting with a friend about this this weekend. So, in every relationship someone always wants "more" than the other person. Maybe that's time together. Intimacy. Commitment. Whatever. That's just the nature of "wants". There will _always_ be a mismatch. Right? If we were to just arbitrarily put "time together" on a numeric scale of 1-10. One person will always be higher than the other person. Maybe it is 5 vs 9. Or 7 vs 7.1 Three interesting aspects of this: 1. The distance between the two plays Big Time into compatibility. Right? 2. The person with the lower want "score" will always feel satisfied (full) 3. The person with the higher want "score" will always feel less than satisfied (hungry) I think there is probably some interesting emotional stuff happening on the "hungry" side. If the gap is too big - then it becomes a bad thing emotionally and probably a deal breaker (see #1). But if the gap is narrow enough, then there is a sense of excitement and yes, infatuation about the other person. Just a hunch here but my guess is you guys flip flopped. You were the "hungry" one for most of the relationship and now you're the "full" one. Does that feel at all right? Mrin 1
Gaeta Posted November 9, 2021 Posted November 9, 2021 @divegrl: I am still wondering what it is that he wants that you are not ready to give if it's not moving together? Does he want to tangle your finances? 1
Girl Fade Away Posted November 9, 2021 Posted November 9, 2021 (edited) On 11/8/2021 at 1:11 PM, divegrl said: I have not been in a relationship that’s lasted longer then a year, for the past couple of years. It feels very disorienting. Hello @divegrl, I hope you do not take offense to this but based on above quoted, do you think you might have commitment issues? A fear of some kind? You seek and desire the adrenaline rush that is a part and parcel of new relationships but once things settle in you become bored and restless? Do you find you need a certain amount of mental, emotional and physical stimulation to remain engaged and excited? I know a few people like this. They jump from one relationship to another once that adrenaline rush subsides. If the answer is yes, I do not think there is anything wrong with that but it is important to identify this part of yourself and be honest and forthright with your partners so you do not mislead them. If you DO desire a long term committed relationship, therapy might help you uncover the reasons why you eventually become bored and seek this high. This is only a guess but it might have something to do with feeling vulnerable with a man. Allowing yourself to feel vulnerable can be very scary for some people so they avoid it by avoiding close committed relationships. Edited November 9, 2021 by Girl Fade Away 3
Interstellar Posted November 10, 2021 Posted November 10, 2021 Why do you think the infatuation is wearing off? when did you start feeling it? do you text everyday? just genuinely curious, not here to judge. 1
Wiseman2 Posted November 10, 2021 Posted November 10, 2021 12 hours ago, divegrl said: I think our emotions are pretty well balanced. Excellent. This isn't some push pull dating game. It sounds like you two are contented and entering more of a comfort zone than the edginess of dating. As long as attraction and chemistry are there, it's fine. Don't rush into things. Make sure you can observe the growth and evolution of a relationship. Open your mind to different things. Joy doesn't just come from butterflies and unicorns and rainbows. Learn to embrace peacefulness and contentment. 1
Author divegrl Posted November 10, 2021 Author Posted November 10, 2021 22 hours ago, mark clemson said: LT love is simply not like "new love". They are neurologically different for the vast majority of people. So in that sense it is unrealistic and there are those who "chase" the new love feeling and discard partners after a year or two when it fades. LT love can include greater intimacy, "growing together" as you both support each other through life's inevitable ups and downs, and deeply caring for the other person as someone who will "always be there" (for what one can foresee, anyhow) among other things, and so mutually wanting what is best for one another. This might be an unpopular opinion, but (IMO) there is nothing inherently wrong with being a new love "chaser". It's realistic because a) you MIGHT find a person you genuinely want to stay with LT and b) any LTR attempt might or might not actually work out anyhow, and c) these folks tend not to hang on too long if/when they become unhappy. In thinking whether to stay with this partner LT, I'd say DON'T expect them to be perfect (because no one actually is) but DO make sure they are "genuinely pretty good" for you. That is what one can reasonably expect. To stay with them LT just because "they're there" and/or out of inertia when you wouldn't actually be pretty happy with them would be doing yourself AND THEM a disservice. Keep in mind that people (them AND you) change over time, and even a "perfect" partner today might be unbearable in 10 years. That risk is unavoidable. So being reasonable and realistic and finding someone "pretty good" who is also reasonably flexible is more likely to work out LT IMO. Hi! I just wanted to say thank you for this thoughtful response! It validates my feelings and my experience. My goal for a relationship is what you describe in paragraph 2. It’s just definitely an adjustment from what I have had in the past! Also, I do think we are in different phases…. Where he is still in the new love phase, and I am in the LT phase. I hope that when his chemicals wear off and neurology changes, he will have similar words and actions as he does now! Lol, I think he is “pretty good” and I hope he thinks I am pretty good too! We are both not very flexible, so we will have to see how that works out! 1
Author divegrl Posted November 10, 2021 Author Posted November 10, 2021 20 hours ago, Mrin said: Oh this is really interesting. Here's a concept for you. I was chatting with a friend about this this weekend. So, in every relationship someone always wants "more" than the other person. Maybe that's time together. Intimacy. Commitment. Whatever. That's just the nature of "wants". There will _always_ be a mismatch. Right? If we were to just arbitrarily put "time together" on a numeric scale of 1-10. One person will always be higher than the other person. Maybe it is 5 vs 9. Or 7 vs 7.1 Three interesting aspects of this: 1. The distance between the two plays Big Time into compatibility. Right? 2. The person with the lower want "score" will always feel satisfied (full) 3. The person with the higher want "score" will always feel less than satisfied (hungry) I think there is probably some interesting emotional stuff happening on the "hungry" side. If the gap is too big - then it becomes a bad thing emotionally and probably a deal breaker (see #1). But if the gap is narrow enough, then there is a sense of excitement and yes, infatuation about the other person. Just a hunch here but my guess is you guys flip flopped. You were the "hungry" one for most of the relationship and now you're the "full" one. Does that feel at all right? Mrin Hi Mrin! Yes exactly! We definitely switched. Up until a couple of months ago it was me at 7 and him at 4. And then it was him at 9 and me at 5. Now I think it’s evened out to probably 5.5 him and 4.5 for me. Lol… it’s hard to put numbers on this… and it feels very weird to talk about. ( Usually this all happens unconsciously, so it’s good to bring awareness to this!) I am sure there is some Freudian psychology going on here, with distant father figures on both of our sides! Thanks so much, love your posts!
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