reaching out after a first date?

[jenny 73]

Hi all, I have heard a lot of things about this but wanted to know your takes. Does it matter if I reach out to the guy first or not after a good first date (in my mind at least)? Normally I exercise open communication and want to text him saying i had a good time and thank him but sometimes I hear that women should wait to hear back first and I personally don't want to make him reply if he is not really interested. What do you suggest ?

[Wiseman2]

23 minutes ago, jenny 73 said:

Normally I exercise open communication and want to text him saying i had a good time and thank him

It's rude to not at least thank someone. If you don't want another date, just decline politely if he asks again. Don't play hard-to-get games. Either way, don't be rude.

[Girl Fade Away]

What I always did was thank him while on the date when saying goodbye.  "Thank you for the lovely dinner." I had a great time."  I have found when a man is interested, HE will reach out to ask me out again.  You reaching out first seems desperate to me, you are feeling anxious because he has not reached out and you want that reassurance.  HE knows this too.  

It is best to have several options so you do not get too invested in just him.  Stay busy with friends, family, talking to other men.  I highly doubt he has not called because he waiting for you to call and thank him.  That argument gets thrown around a lot but I have never found it to be true.  When a man is interested, he WILL reach out first after a date.  

My vote is no, if he is interested in seeing you again he will be in touch.  Have patience.  

[Gaeta]

You have to give the man a green light. If you are interested in seeing him again simply text him thank you and say you had a good time meeting him. 

If he's interested he will pick up from there. 

[Girl Fade Away]

13 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

You have to give the man a green light. If you are interested in seeing him again simply text him thank you and say you had a good time meeting him. 

If he's interested he will pick up from there. 

I do not disagree with this (giving green light) however it begs the question why did you not thank him, show interest and give him green light while on the date?  When I am interested, a man always knows by my actions and how we are are clicking and vibing.  And after going home and letting the date marinate, if he decides he wants to see me again HE always reached out first.  Unless he is very insecure, and lacks confidence and I would not recommend pursuing a man like this.  Stay away from men who require or need you to chase.  I have never had anything work out with men like this and it can get very draining. 

[glows]

1 hour ago, jenny 73 said:

Hi all, I have heard a lot of things about this but wanted to know your takes. Does it matter if I reach out to the guy first or not after a good first date (in my mind at least)? Normally I exercise open communication and want to text him saying i had a good time and thank him but sometimes I hear that women should wait to hear back first and I personally don't want to make him reply if he is not really interested. What do you suggest ?

Did you thank him at the end or while you were on the date? I always thank someone I'm seeing in person. There is no need for texting if it was said in person unless you forgot or didn't do so. If he is interested he will ask you out again or you both would have already made suggestions during the end of the first date to see each other again. 

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, Girl Fade Away said:

I do not disagree with this (giving green light) however it begs the question why did you not thank him, show interest and give him green light while on the date?  When I am interested, a man always knows by my actions and how we are are clicking and vibing.  And after going home and letting the date marinate, if he decides he wants to see me again HE always reached out first.  Unless he is very insecure, and lacks confidence and I would not recommend pursuing a man like this.  Stay away from men who require or need you to chase.  I have never had anything work out with men like this and it can get very draining. 

I've been here since 2014 and I still don't master the 'quoting'. Sorry if it's all melted together. 

I have been on dates where I thought I was sending clear signals that I was interested and the man saw nothing, I have equally been on dates where I sent 0 signal and the man read all sorts of attraction I did not feel. I feel there is no 'one answer fits all' as we are all unique with respective flaws & strength. 

Not 100% of men are confident. Many men are newly on the dating market and are very nervous and a little green light disguised in the form of a thank you text, may be all they need. 

I mean you are reading the same stories as I am reading on here right? Men,  young and less young, asking should I text her, how long should I wait, what should I say!

I had a 1st date last Friday night. He was nice and all but not the right fit for me. I did not text him that night, and did not text him the following day. I thought to myself he doesn't feel I am a good fit either I did not hear from him all day. Around 20h30 pm I receive from him a butt hurt text saying: Well I guess you're not interested as I didn't hear from you all day! He was waiting for me to give him that green light! He was hesitant to contact me the following day and waited that I confirm my attraction. That does not make him a bad man to date because he lacked a bit of confidence.

 

Edited November 8, 2021 by Gaeta

[Girl Fade Away]

3 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Men,  young and less young, asking should I text her, how long should I wait, what should I say!

@Gaeta, to be honest no I have not read many of those stories.  Would it be too much trouble to find one and link it?   What I usually read on this site and other sites I have been on and still on are about women feeling anxious and insecure when men do not call, text or ask out again within their specific timeframe.  I have found it is best to have other options, multidate and be patient.  Even if you wait a week or two.  I have had men wait up to two weeks to reach out for 2nd date and we went on to have a long term relationship that lasted years.  My current boyfriend took around a week to reach out again and we have been together years.  He was not waiting for ME to reach out thanking him or green light, he was thinking about me, the date and what HE wanted to happen, if anything.  I was patient, and gave him that space and he reached out and we began dating.  He told me he appreciated me NOT pushing it.

As women, we want men who are confident and know how to lead.  Who enjoying leading.  Men you have to coddle or send green light after already sending are to be avoided.  They lack confidence and insecure.  They need constant reassurance.  They are draining.  IF however, the OP enjoys leading, being the leader, taking control, planning the dates and courting, then sure she can reach out.   He may need that type of women and dynamic.  Only the Op can answer that question tho.

[Girl Fade Away]

27 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I have been on dates where I thought I was sending clear signals that I was interested and the man saw nothing,

I  don't understand that.  How is that possible?  You are sending clear signals that you like him but he saw nothing?   This says much more about the man than you not sending correct signals.  Only a very insecure man who lacks confidence in himself would react that way.  What did he expect you to do?  I really don't understand that.   Confident, secure men enjoy a little bit of a challenge and to wonder about how a women feels in the beginning stage.  Virtually nothing will stop him when interested.  I have had men make utter fools out of themselves when interested.     I have also found wondering a little bit  increases his attraction.  I am not saying to intentionally play hard to get, more just BE a little bit hard to get.  Be busy, have a life.  Confident men go after what and who they want.  They know how to lead and enjoy that role.  If that has not been your experience, I respect that.  It has been mine.

Edited November 8, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[Gaeta]

I will try to locate one for you. 

Personally I prefer a man that knows what he wants and pursues me with confidence. My dating history shows though that they are not always motivated by honorable intentions. The men that pursued me with the most vigor often just wanted a hit and go. It's such a complicated game. 

 

[Girl Fade Away]

3 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

It's such a complicated game. 

THIS I agree with.  I kissed many frogs before finding my prince as the saying goes, and have many stores to tell.  I am sorry to hear you have had such a challenging time.

[Gaeta]

4 minutes ago, Girl Fade Away said:

I  don't understand that.  How is that possible?  You are sending clear signals that you like him but he saw nothing?  

I have read up there you've been in a relationship for a few years. The dating market isn't what it used to be. It is a voracious game, I mean a heartless game. This summer I dated a man for 6 weeks. He gave me the right amount of everything, I thought I had hit the jackpot finally! and turned out he was after my money and resources. The right amount of attention, right amount of confidence, right amount of dates doesn't mean anything anymore. 

[Girl Fade Away]

51 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I have read up there you've been in a relationship for a few years. The dating market isn't what it used to be. It is a voracious game, I mean a heartless game. This summer I dated a man for 6 weeks. He gave me the right amount of everything, I thought I had hit the jackpot finally! and turned out he was after my money and resources. The right amount of attention, right amount of confidence, right amount of dates doesn't mean anything anymore. 

I read about that and I am sorry @Gaeta.  But if you believe the emboldened is true, then how would a man NOT reaching out after a date (thread topic) be any better?   It shows less interest, not more.  I am confused about what you are needing.   Not a man who pursues you, gives you right amount of attention, courts you properly and has confidence.  You do not trust it.  But yet you trust a man who does NOT reach out after a date after giving him green lights while ON the date, and you will then reach out to him, pursue him?  I am not understanding, I am so confused now.  Sorry Gaeta.

Edited November 8, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[introverted1]

 

Assuming there is something to thank (I usually go dutch on a first meet), I thank at the end of the date and again via text once I'm home. 

If there's nothing to thank and I'm interested, I will send some sort of "it was good to meet you" type of text once I'm home.

9 times out of 10 guys ask for the next date while we're still on the first meet/date, so these texts are about being polite more than anything else.

Interested guys will ask for another date.  It can't hurt to be polite and/or give a green light.

Edited November 8, 2021 by introverted1

[Alpacalia]

Thanking a man for a nice date means leading? 

[Girl Fade Away]

18 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

Thanking a man for a nice date means leading? 

No like I said I always thank a man on the date while saying goodbye.   Most women do, it is the polite thing to do while saying goodbyes.   No need to text afterwards to thank him again.  It's overkill.   And it's a cry for reassurance in most cases because HE has not reached out and the women feels anxious and it is a good excuse to reach out.   Most men know this too.

HIM reaching out first after a date is him leading.  The women reaching out first is her leading.  Both are okay it depends on the people and who they are and what they want. 

Edited November 8, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[Gaeta]

12 minutes ago, Girl Fade Away said:

I read about that and I am sorry @Gaeta.  But if you believe the emboldened is true, then how would a man NOT reaching out after a date (thread topic) be any better?   It shows less interest, not more.  I am confused about what you are needing.   Not a man who pursues you, gives you right amount of attention, courts you properly and has confidence.  You do not trust it.  But yet you trust a man who does NOT reach out after a date after giving him green lights while ON the date, and you will then reach out to him, pursue him?  I am not understanding, I am so confused now.  Sorry Gaeta.

Yes, and no, and I'm confused too lol

I do not trust a man giving the right amount of everything, yes that's true, because, well he's a stranger and I should not trust him until we have established exclusive dating and time shown he can be trusted. 

I do not trust a man because he does not reach out after a date, I don't know how I worded that but it's not what I mean. What I meant is it's ok for a woman to give a man a green light, a green light is not pursuing, it's being confident in the seductive woman that you are, knowing what you want and expressing it in a feminine matter with 'kindness, thankfulness.

My Friday night date, if I had felt chemistry and attraction, I would have trusted we felt it both, I have a bit of experience, and I would have text him the following day. I knew 100% he liked me, there was no need for me to play the waiting game for him to confirm his attraction to me. 

[Weezy1973]

Not sure it really matters overall. The two main reasons to message first are:

1. In case he’s really interested in you, but got the impression you’re not interested therefore this would give him the “in” he needs to ask you on a second date.

2. If he was kind of neutral about the first date, this might nudge him to ask you out again. Many a good long term relationship started with inauspicious beginnings. A neutral first date is meaningless in the context of a 25 year marriage…

 

Main reasons not to message are:

1. If he really lacks self-esteem or confidence , but uses this green light to muster up the strength to ask you out. Poor self-esteem / self-worth leads to unhealthy relationships.

2. He’s really not interested, but is more than happy to have casual sex etc. and thinks you might be an easy “mark”. 
 

So it depends on you, and what you’re okay with. 

 

[Girl Fade Away]

13 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

What I meant is it's ok for a woman to give a man a green light, a green light is not pursuing, it's being confident in the seductive woman that you are, knowing what you want and expressing it in a feminine matter with 'kindness, thankfulness.

I agree with that, the seductive feminine dance.  But if I may ask, why are you not thanking him while on the date?  While saying goodbyes?  You are saying goodbye, and you would not think to say "thank you for the lovely evening. I enjoyed meeting you.  Would love to do this again sometime."  Presuming you would love to see him again.   What do you say if not that?    I guess I just do not see the need to reach out to thank him again in the following days.  I would feel awkward doing that, desperate.  I already thanked him.

I will ask the OP @jenny 73, did you thank him while on the date, when saying goodbye?  If not when was the date?  If it was more than one day ago, I think it would be weird to thank him now but you could reach out to say hi if you wanted, to nudge him like @Weezy1973said.  I would not but you are not me.

Edited November 8, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[Alpacalia]

Too many assumptions.

What's the context OP?

[basil67]

@jenny 73 forget about those dumb dating rules and instead, do what feels right for you.

Thank him on the date.  Or thank him after the date.  Or thank him on the date and send a follow up thanks if you're feeling really good about it.  Whatever feels right.  If he's into you, it will turn out OK and if he's not into you, then there's nothing lost by being polite.  

[Girl Fade Away]

11 minutes ago, basil67 said:

@jenny 73 forget about those dumb dating rules and instead, do what feels right for you.

Thank him on the date.  Or thank him after the date.  Or thank him on the date and send a follow up thanks if you're feeling really good about it.  Whatever feels right.  If he's into you, it will turn out OK and if he's not into you, then there's nothing lost by being polite.  

I don't think it is a "rule" per say, for me it is instinctual to thank a man while on the date when saying goodbye.  And then after the date living my life, spending with friends, family, talking to other men.  I view it as  smart dating.   If he reaches out, great, it not, that is okay too.  I also had many option when I dated.   But I am old school, I like a man to lead and pursue.  I realize this is probably outdated but you are right, @jenny 73should do what is best for her.

Edited November 8, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[basil67]

@Girl Fade Away I was actually referring to the first post and the rules the OP said she hears.   It wasn't about you or what you want/do

Edited November 8, 2021 by basil67

[Girl Fade Away]

8 minutes ago, basil67 said:

@Girl Fade Away I was actually referring to the first post and the rules the OP said she hears.   It wasn't about you or what you want/do

I know thanks.  I was just responding to the part about rules and giving my perspective as we all have throughout the thread I did not mean to offend anyone or step over the line of what was appropriate to post.  But thank you.

Edited November 8, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[Gaeta]

2 hours ago, Girl Fade Away said:

I agree with that, the seductive feminine dance.  But if I may ask, why are you not thanking him while on the date?  While saying goodbyes? 

Of course I am thanking them after the date. 

OP has to judge the situation depending on how was the date. Did they have a great time, did they laugh, did they flirt, did he talk about doing something else together again. There are so many variables to her question. 

In the past, after a great date, I have sent follow up thank you text the following day and the man was so happy because he could not tell if I had liked him. I said: I laughed, flirted with you, touched your arm, smiled a lot! of course I enjoyed our date......and his reply was I didn't know if you were like this because you liked me or because you're just a nice person. 

So she sends a follow-up text the following day and he doesn't reply, no  big deal. If the man is totally into her a follow-up text is not going to turn him off.