Am I setting myself up to be hurt by divorced man who seems to still have feelings for his ex?

[wonderingandwaiting9876]

Been seeing someone a few months. He's been divorced 2 years after a 34 year marriage. He tells me he’s on good term with his ex.
For thanksgiving weekend I asked him his plans and he tells me he’s having dinner with his ex and their 2 grown children because he wouldn’t be with his kids otherwise.

I then learn from him that his ex regrets her decision to divorce and I say well you know sometimes divorced ppl remarry to see his reaction. He says their problems were too pervasive.

He had a girlfriend during his divorce for 6 months but told me it wasn’t anything serious as opposed to our relationship.

Bottom line…I don’t want to invest in someone who isn’t ready and interested in building a relationship.

Our sex life is very good but I noticed this weekend he doesn’t seem to be “investing” in me otherwise. For example, we decided to have dinner home last night and I paid for the groceries and made him dinner. I’ve made dinner for him another time and when we go out (which hasn’t happened in a few weeks he pays so I guess that makes sense).

He spent the last 2 nights here and the first night he arrived after dinner. He wasn’t particularly physically affectionate to me other than sex.

I get the feeling that he cares for me but he may still be caught up with his ex emotionally. I’m a widow so I don’t know how it works with divorced folks but I’ve dated many divorced guys and never particularly felt this way.

Should I be concerned especially about him spending the holiday with his ex and kids?

I don’t want to be hurt and waste any time.

Edited November 7, 2021 by wonderingandwaiting9876

[Calmandfocused]

What’s screaming out here to me is that you are not a priority to him. Because you are not a priority your feelings are not being considered. 
 

What he’s basically saying that he will do what he wants when he wants to do it and your feelings will not be factored into the equation. 

You’re correct; he isn’t invested in you. Your on the periphery in his life. 
 

The question is; what importance do you want him to have in your life? If you want a full on serious relationship he isn’t going to give it to you. His attention is elsewhere. 
 

If you decide not to proceed remember that dating men fresh out of 30 + year marriages is not generally a good idea. 

[smackie9]

Instead of guessing/assuming what's wrong, why not gently approach him ask what's on his mind. Don't let him dismiss it, actually tell him you are open to talk. You need to do these things in the moment that it happens. If there was almost zero affection/odd behavior, then sex should have been off the table that night and moved forward with a conversation.

Edited November 7, 2021 by smackie9

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, wonderingandwaiting9876 said:

I be concerned especially about him spending the holiday with his ex and kids?

Not necessarily a problem if he wants to see his kids. However it sounds like there are quite a few incompatibilities otherwise so whether or not he sees his kids at his ex's  this holiday is only one red flag.

 It's only been a "few months" so consider cutting your losses if things don't improve. Try not to play house this much. Spend equal amounts of time out and at each other's places. See how that goes.

[elaine567]

3 hours ago, wonderingandwaiting9876 said:

r. He wasn’t particularly physically affectionate to me other than sex.

My guess, he divorced his wife due to lack of sex. 
He is hanging about with you for the sex...

[stillafool]

What does he mean if he doesn't go to his ex's for Thanksgiving he won't see his kids?  They are adults for goodness sakes.  He can see them the day before or after Thanksgiving and spend Thanksgiving with you.  Most people in relationships make their partners a priority especially on holidays.  He wants to be at his ex's house eating the meals he's so familiar with surrounded by her and his kids.  I wouldn't get too serious about this guy if I were you because if Elaine's post is correct (and I think it is) his ex will go for sex with him if she wants him back.

[BaileyB]

Who filed for divorce? I ask only because, after 34 years of marriage, statistics would show that women are more likely to file for a divorce. Married men tend not to want to leave long marriages without a really good reason. Men are less likely to want to give up the comforts of marriage and suffer the financial consequence of divorce. Which makes me think there is more of a story here… if the divorce was not his decision, it would explain his desire to be home with his family for the holidays. Or is it possible that his “six month relationship” was actually an affair, and that is why his wife filed for divorce? Just curious…

Edited November 7, 2021 by BaileyB

[Pumpernickel]

On the one hand, spending thanksgiving together after a few months may be a little premature (as it involves family, and many wouldn’t take a very new BF to a family holiday) - but otoh his explanation is strange (not being able to see the kids), unless both children live far away in a different state maybe, and they’re only in the area for 1 day…..

[Maldives]

Yes

[Ami1uwant]

Don’t know why they got divorced but after being together that long you likely still have some feelings, especially if you had kids.

 

sogetting together with his kids is important. It’s too soon for you to meet family.

 

 

[chillii]

You paid for groceries ,ummm, soooo.  Why do women always point out such nothing petty stuff , who cares who paid. Sorry but especially considering if you wanna worry about a few groceries he pays when you go out anyway man. Sounds like you keep a score board which doesn't say much right there for your trust atm or the relationship.

Where he's at, it's understandable spending that time with them but it doesn't mean anything on it's own . You need more , like to talk to him about it. Divorced people often still do dinners or times with their kids grown or not , if you were divorced you might get it. Although from what you said about her thoughts well , maybe from her side , but he might be fine though, exactly as he told you , who knows , communication !!!. And just bc he wasn't himself one wkend, are you 24/7 ? , it might be nothing , or nerves about the family days, tired , something else on his mind , who knows what , again you talk about stuff but one wkend , why even bother. You should know what he's like if he is stressed or tired or worried. If you think it's more though by all means dig about.

 

Edited November 8, 2021 by chillii

[Blind-Sided]

18 hours ago, stillafool said:

What does he mean if he doesn't go to his ex's for Thanksgiving he won't see his kids?  They are adults for goodness sakes.  He can see them the day before or after Thanksgiving and spend Thanksgiving with you. ....

I was kind of thinking the same.  Also, just in the little info you give.... it sounds like he wants to be with her. If you have herd... "She regrets filing for divorce"... then I'm guessing if she said she wants him back.......... he will go back to her. 

Don't get me wrong... I try to get along with my exW for the sake of the kids... but we ARE NOT spending holidays together. 

Personally... I would think about moving on. 

[chillii]

But many still do nonetheless , even when they both have partners, and even as adult kids , it can still be a thing now and then with some. But no we don't do that either , we did for a few yrs though earlier.

Hard to say with her , he knows , he would've known for a long time , but they haven't gotten back together and he would've had plenty of chances. But God only knows , not enough to go on so not that l was saying yeah or neigh op , just sayin.

Edited November 8, 2021 by chillii

[kendahke]

On 11/7/2021 at 7:57 AM, wonderingandwaiting9876 said:

Should I be concerned especially about him spending the holiday with his ex and kids?

I think so... and here's why:

Quote

their 2 grown children

They aren't minors.  There is no reason why they can't spend part of that day with their mother and part of that day with him--or trade off, like I did with my daughter: one holiday (t'giving) with me, the other (xmas) with her dad and switch off every year.

He's using them as an excuse to avoid intimacy with/investment in you.  Also, if his ex is regretting her decision and he knows this and still wants to go spend the day with someone with whom his problems with her are "pervasive", then he's playing some weird game with her to keep her hope alive in reconciling.

He'll deny it, but that's exactly what he's doing.  It's up to you--I think the sooner you end this, the sooner you'll be able to move on and find someone not trying to play games with an ex.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

On 11/7/2021 at 5:57 AM, wonderingandwaiting9876 said:

Been seeing someone a few months. He's been divorced 2 years after a 34 year marriage. He tells me he’s on good term with his ex.
For thanksgiving weekend I asked him his plans and he tells me he’s having dinner with his ex and their 2 grown children because he wouldn’t be with his kids otherwise.

I then learn from him that his ex regrets her decision to divorce and I say well you know sometimes divorced ppl remarry to see his reaction. He says their problems were too pervasive.

He had a girlfriend during his divorce for 6 months but told me it wasn’t anything serious as opposed to our relationship.

Bottom line…I don’t want to invest in someone who isn’t ready and interested in building a relationship.

Our sex life is very good but I noticed this weekend he doesn’t seem to be “investing” in me otherwise. For example, we decided to have dinner home last night and I paid for the groceries and made him dinner. I’ve made dinner for him another time and when we go out (which hasn’t happened in a few weeks he pays so I guess that makes sense).

He spent the last 2 nights here and the first night he arrived after dinner. He wasn’t particularly physically affectionate to me other than sex.

I get the feeling that he cares for me but he may still be caught up with his ex emotionally. I’m a widow so I don’t know how it works with divorced folks but I’ve dated many divorced guys and never particularly felt this way.

Should I be concerned especially about him spending the holiday with his ex and kids?

I don’t want to be hurt and waste any time.

Your use of the term "investing" is SPOT ON.

 

You have the aptitude to  get it,  yet it is always very possible that it  isn't fully recognized by you unless you are seeing it  in another individual.

 

You don't cite any deal-breakers, BUT the giant "investment" which he has made in the wife over all of that time would greatly outweigh anything that you can leverage as of this point.  Even if you marry him, and wade 2- and then 6-years in...  you might still not have the best hand in the game without the human desire for leaving things as they are, because it is a whole lot more difficult to up and make a change working in your favor (with regard to him making choices).

 

Who paid for dinner has very little to do with the type of "investing"  which matters most in this context.

 

There is nothing wrong with a father wanting to be with his offspring at Thanksgiving, regardless of whether they are adults or children.