Going on a date with someone who seems jealous

[Acacia98]

17 hours ago, Midwest27 said:

I really like how open she is but she has asked me a ton of personal questions about my views on marriage and about past relationships and mentioned to me that she is a jealous "type." When answering her questions I also felt like I had to choose my words carefully since I noticed that if I went into much detail she would respond in an insecure or upset way. For instance after telling her about other women I've dated (since she insisted on knowing) she would then ask how she compares to them, or how much better my communication is with her. 

By a certain point in life, if someone hasn't figured out that it's a bad idea to ask certain kinds of questions, then it's probably a good idea to leave them off your dating list.

This sounds way beyond regular insecurity. And, to make matters worse, you're already walking on eggshells around her, which means that you are likely to end up trying to appease her if you end up in a relationship with her. What you have here is the equivalent of red flags and a blaring siren. If I were you, I'd give the date a pass, frankly speaking. 

10 hours ago, Taramere said:

Long ago when he'd started dating this girl (now his wife) he "warned" me before a group gathering, when I was hanging out with him and our mutual friend,  that she'd be funny with me as she had jealousy issues.  I found her to be a very nice person, and we got on just fine  So whatever jealousy issues she might have had that she'd discussed with him, they didn't manifest socially in any embarrassing way.  

This reminds me a bit of an experience with a male friend of mine. It ultimately turned out that he was the one manipulating his girlfriend and making it seem like there was something between me and him to make her jealous. I hope that's not what was happening in your case.

Edited November 6, 2021 by Acacia98

[Girl Fade Away]

3 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Seeing jealousy as love and protectiveness is YOUR dysfunction. 

Yes this.  They are both dysfunctional in different ways which explains the attraction.  To the OP, what this boils down to is you are physically attracted, she appears interested in you, you are lonely.  

Many men go for the crazy, like you said @Midwest27, they have other redeeming qualities that counter it, or  they are drawn to the crazy for other reasons, they have a saviour complex, she is probably exciting in bed too. 

You posted the below in your first post:

I think she is really pretty, has a great career, and should be given a chance. On the other hand, I've had bad luck with some relationships in the past and want to make sure I am not missing any big red flags here. 

@Midwest27The fact you don't recognize any of this as red flags is troubling.  But to pose a question to you, what have you learned from your past relationships filled with what you refer to as bad luck?  There is no such thing as *bad luck* everything is a choice made by us.  She has given you all the information you need proving that she is off her rocker emotionally but you are choosing to overlook.  If/when things go south, it is NOT *bad luck,* it is a choice YOU made and will have no one to blame but yourself. 

As long as you realize that, and are willing to accept the consequences, all is good. 

 

Edited November 6, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[Wiseman2]

14 minutes ago, Midwest27 said:

I think it is best for me to back off while it is still easy to do so. 

True. Perhaps she's just insecure or perhaps she's the type who keys your car if you leave the waitress a decent tip, who knows?

[Maldives]

4 hours ago, Midwest27 said:

She seems to want a serious relationship and shares a lot of my values which why I would consider looking past that flaw or at least seeing how it evolves in the future. I agree the physical attraction should not be the highest priority but I think I may be getting ahead of myself being that I haven't even gone on the date yet. It just has seemed strange to me how she has asked me questions about my sex life/past relationships before I have even met her and then claims to feel "heartbroken" over the idea that I've slept with other women in the past by the age of 27. Like seriously?

I think I'll have a better idea after tomorrow based on if she continues to display possessive or jealous behavior in person. I will try to use my best judgement regardless so I don't wind up in a toxic relationship again. I sometimes wonder if I am too choosey and never give any woman a chance so that is why I wanted to see if my concerns were shared with others here. 

Tread carefully if could be a scam 

[Lotsgoingon]

4 hours ago, Midwest27 said:

There are just some other positive qualities she has that I thought might counter the jealousy. 

No, no, no! Not jealousy and control at this early point--not even early point--but in initial discussions with her. No, some qualities can NOT be compensated for. This woman will drive anyone--and herself--nuts. There is no compensating for this flaw of hers. It's a fatal flaw.  A fatal flaw overwhelms all the other good qualities. You are talking yourself into putting with misery. And apparently a woman like this is your Kryptonite because you admit to already picking your words carefully.

You cannot have intimacy and closeness with someone if you're picking your words carefully from the git-go. You're performing, hiding, ducking--not being authentic. One more time, you want someone who likes the way you naturally talk. One more time, you want someone who naturally likes the way you talk and the way you think. Even if they don't agree with all your conclusions, they respect how you talk and think. 

Get into your body. Your body clearly picked up some major problems, that's why you're here. Your head is making up all kinds of fantasy justifications. You compromise in a relationship down the line, after you have been blown away by the person's strengths and gifts and you conclude that they are worth the compromise. You're already creating a fantasy story in your head to justify ignoring these red flags.

You don't fit yourself around another person's insecurities. No, no, no, no, no. Does not work. 

[ShyViolet]

This girl sounds absolutely crazy.  You should not under any circumstances go on a date with someone who puts up this many red flags before even meeting in person.  It doesn't matter what her "good qualities" are, that doesn't cancel out the red flags.  It doesn't work that way.  Frankly, it's concerning that you would even consider meeting up with a woman like this and it shows poor judgment.  Be more careful in the future.

[Saracena]

1 hour ago, Acacia98 said:

By a certain point in life, if someone hasn't figured out that it's a bad idea to ask certain kinds of questions, then it's probably a good idea to leave them off your dating list.

This sounds way beyond regular insecurity. And, to make matters worse, you're already walking on eggshells around her, which means that you are likely to end up trying to appease her if you end up in a relationship with her. What you have here is the equivalent of red flags and a blaring siren. If I were you, I'd give the date a pass, frankly speaking. 

 

Exactly. Frankly some of the questions she was asking and her reactions were way beyond..... bizarre, in my view. Her reactions to the answers eg jealousy at past relationships were equally so. I simply could never imagine myself doing this with anyone, not to mention someone I'd never even dated! Very strange behaviour indeed.

I would wonder what other issues she has.

[Taramere]

16 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

This reminds me a bit of an experience with a male friend of mine. It ultimately turned out that he was the one manipulating his girlfriend and making it seem like there was something between me and him to make her jealous. I hope that's not what was happening in your case.

I hope not, but if that was going on then they obviously resolved it.  I think a lot of people are prone to drama or even a bit of toxicity round about the age where there's strong competition for a partner, and most of them probably resolve it as they mature.

[ExpatInItaly]

20 hours ago, Midwest27 said:

I will try to use my best judgement regardless so I don't wind up in a toxic relationship again

But you're already not doing a good job filtering out the red-flag candidates when you see them. 

 

[smackie9]

No you do see the red flags, and that is why you are here...to get confirmation. Your gut instinct is correct, but this time you need to accept what it's telling you. This doesn't feel right, and surely you don't want to do down that road again. You walk away from this, you are actually learning from past experiences, and making better choices for yourself. In other words you are starting to go on the right path.

[BaileyB]

Considering that you have never met the woman, it is very inappropriate for her to be asking for this kind of information. Ignore that red flag at your own peril. 

[Calmandfocused]

Something else that came to me and just wanted to offer you a general piece of advice. 
 

I am not a doctor but I do have a very “people person” successful career. This includes being very tolerant, flexible and adaptable to people, whilst exuberayting high empathy at all times. I also have to hold myself together in the face of all “people issues”…. I’m sure you know what I mean and I’m assuming the same applies to yourself . 
 

However what makes me successful at work has a HUGE downside when it comes to romantic relationships which I sense is the same for yourself. 
 

The same qualities as described above attracts dysfunctional people. Big time! In terms of their “ideal” people like you are target Numero Uno! They want to find partners who are “forgiving” of their flaws, and suitors like you are the best fit to do just that. 
 

I’m not suggesting that you change who you are. Don’t do that. You just need to be hyper aware of what sort of women you are attracting. And you need to make sure you are making choices based on what’s best for you. 
 

Don’t be the rescuer. 
 

 

[Versacehottie]

21 hours ago, Midwest27 said:

Yes I am that person you are thinking of from another thread. 

Thank you for the input. I strongly believe after the advice you and others have given that this would likely be where this goes and I think it is best for me to back off while it is still easy to do so. 

I think it's best for you to QUIT while you can. 

The thing is when someone states that upfront it's like an unwritten agreement.  Such as "i'm really jealous"; "I have trust issues"--with the implied what lengths are you willing to go to to reassure this black pit of mine. Continuing the relationship is an "implied" , well you signed off on it/signed up for it.  It's PERMISSION for them to behave that way.  Almost everyone does a version of this as they are negotiating what the relationship would be if the two of you decide to move forward.  The only difference is that people who are stable and healthy and worth being with won't put a negotiating point out like the ones this woman did--they will be more normal like "i'm a night owl or I'm really ambitious about my career".

It's a hard pass.  I can't remember has it only been one date or you are just talking, um simple: don't go out with her again, stop contact. Even if you are several dates in you should do the same.  You are under no obligation to continue once things hit you wrongly. "Back off" sounds like you are going to ignore your instinct and stick in there while it plays out. That's confusing in itself and likely to bring out the green-eyed monster and all of her insecurities.  There's no problem in extracting yourself from this.  Tell her directly if you need to. I'm thinking if she likes you, she's not going to take it well at any stage, but it will definitely get harder not easier. She's not relationship material until she deals with these issues significantly.  Lol, your a doctor, ffs, you should have much better choices than this!!  It boils down, in a lot of ways, how much you value yourself.

[stillafool]

Sounds like she was basically warning you that she's a "bunny boiler" so now that you know don't get angry when it happens.

[Midwest27]

On 11/6/2021 at 3:29 PM, Girl Fade Away said:

Yes this.  They are both dysfunctional in different ways which explains the attraction.  To the OP, what this boils down to is you are physically attracted, she appears interested in you, you are lonely.  

Many men go for the crazy, like you said @Midwest27, they have other redeeming qualities that counter it, or  they are drawn to the crazy for other reasons, they have a saviour complex, she is probably exciting in bed too. 

You posted the below in your first post:

I think she is really pretty, has a great career, and should be given a chance. On the other hand, I've had bad luck with some relationships in the past and want to make sure I am not missing any big red flags here. 

@Midwest27The fact you don't recognize any of this as red flags is troubling.  But to pose a question to you, what have you learned from your past relationships filled with what you refer to as bad luck?  There is no such thing as *bad luck* everything is a choice made by us.  She has given you all the information you need proving that she is off her rocker emotionally but you are choosing to overlook.  If/when things go south, it is NOT *bad luck,* it is a choice YOU made and will have no one to blame but yourself. 

As long as you realize that, and are willing to accept the consequences, all is good. 

 

This makes a lot of sense to me. I definitely am for some reason attracted to flawed women and that probably comes from the fact that I have plenty of issues myself. I went on both dates I had planned for today (including the one with the woman in question) and still find myself drawn more to this woman even though the other person I went on a date with today is so much more mature, stable, and self-assured. I was debating it all weekend whether to even go, but I eventually rationalized it thinking about the fact she is also a healthcare professional and therefore must be at least somewhat normal since she managed to make it through that successfully. As hot and heavy as things got earlier with the more dysfunctional one, I recognized the red flags she is presenting within a minute after meeting her in person. Just the way she talks reminded me exactly of a woman I once dated who gaslighted me and controlled me like something straight out of a horror movie. I didn't want to cancel partially out of politeness, but being honest with myself primarily because there was something about her that reminded me of a similarly dysfunctional woman I was with from my past. I know I am messed up, but I am seeing a therapist and will bring this up. I feel like I failed all of you by going on this date today though and for that I am sorry. I really am committed to improving myself and value all of your advice more than I can express even if my actions today don't look like I believe that. I have been lonely and my self-esteem has been low for a long time to put it lightly, and I guess the allure of going on a date with someone I was very attracted to who I know would be all over me afterwards was too much for me to resist. 

Edited November 8, 2021 by Midwest27

[Wiseman2]

Why categorize them as "flawed women"? Either you are a good fit or you're not based on attraction, compatibly and if red flags or deal breakers are present.

Keep it simple. She was hot you were curious so whatever you think were flaws didn't matter in the first place.

Reflect if you even want to be in relationships or just keep it casual. Both are fine.