Going on a date with someone who seems jealous

[Midwest27]

So I have a date this weekend with someone I met on OLD last week. I really like how open she is but she has asked me a ton of personal questions about my views on marriage and about past relationships and mentioned to me that she is a jealous "type." When answering her questions I also felt like I had to choose my words carefully since I noticed that if I went into much detail she would respond in an insecure or upset way. For instance after telling her about other women I've dated (since she insisted on knowing) she would then ask how she compares to them, or how much better my communication is with her. She has also asked me numerous times in the past week if I am talking to other girls (which I tried to dodge answering). I think she is really pretty, has a great career, and should be given a chance. On the other hand, I've had bad luck with some relationships in the past and want to make sure I am not missing any big red flags here. 

Edited November 6, 2021 by Midwest27

[chillii]

She's really pretty and has a great career eh , deep. lsn't there anything else you like about her?

Anyway you know she's for real about her jealousy thing then. lt's only a date though sounds like you've had plenty of them it'll probably just be one more anyway. Have some fun or whatever you do it's probably not even gonna matter..

 

Edited November 6, 2021 by chillii

[Midwest27]

2 minutes ago, chillii said:

She's really pretty and has a great career eh , deep. lsn't there anything else you like about her?

Anyway you know she's for real about her jealousy thing then. lt's only a date though sounds like you've had plenty of them it'll probably just be one more anyway. Have some fun or whatever you do it's probably not even gonna matter..

 

I mean I've only been texting with her frequently over the past week and have never spoken to her directly or seen her aside from a few pictures. I like that she seemed like a supportive and stable person until I heard her bring up and display characteristics of getting jealousy since I don't know if it is indicative of deeper issues. I suppose you are right though, and I will just go on the date and try to use it as an opportunity to get a more accurate understanding of what she is like. 

[Maldives]

Definatley insecure very insecure avoid I dated a woman like this for 6 months and it was her that was cheating in the end. I wouldn't that insecurity is for her to deal with. You are not there to constantly subdue her insecurities too much work and you haven't even met imagine if you start dating it will be worse 

[ExpatInItaly]

Big nay. 

You don’t even know this person and she’s already being intrusive and very insecure. 

Ignore these significant red flags at your own risk. 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Midwest27 said:

 mentioned to me that she is a jealous "type."  For instance after telling her about other women I've dated (since she insisted on knowing) she would then ask how she compares to them, 

Run . This has damaged control freak and high maintenance written all over it.

If all this interrogating, angst and walking on eggshells happens before meeting, you don't want to get involved in this.

[smackie9]

OMG! run for the frickin hills!

[Taramere]

5 hours ago, Midwest27 said:

I mean I've only been texting with her frequently over the past week and have never spoken to her directly or seen her aside from a few pictures. I like that she seemed like a supportive and stable person until I heard her bring up and display characteristics of getting jealousy since I don't know if it is indicative of deeper issues. I suppose you are right though, and I will just go on the date and try to use it as an opportunity to get a more accurate understanding of what she is like. 

It could be a red flag or it could be that she's being self aware and honest about her issues.  I can think of women I know who were very prone to jealousy or competitiveness when they were younger, who have gone on to have lasting marriages that are presumably pretty stable. 

One of them who springs to mind is somebody who married a guy friend of a friend.  I didn't really know this guy well, but he sometimes acted as though he and I had some history (which we didn't). OLong ago when he'd started dating this girl (now his wife) he "warned" me before a group gathering, when I was hanging out with him and our mutual friend,  that she'd be funny with me as she had jealousy issues.  I found her to be a very nice person, and we got on just fine  So whatever jealousy issues she might have had that she'd discussed with him, they didn't manifest socially in any embarrassing way.  He had a lot of female friends, and I've never heard anything about her having issues with any of them.  She's always seemed like a lovely person.

I think if somebody lays an issue they have on the table in the way that she has, then at least you can ask them questions about it and have the sort of conversation that will help you figure out whether her particular issues are of a type you can handle.  A certain amount of jealousy and insecurity is part and parcel of being human.  I suppose the problems start when they manifest in a very controlling way where she's telling you who you can see and who you can't see.  For me, when somebody tells me "this is my issue"  my first thought tends to be along the lines of why they think it's an issue.  A lot of the time it usually transpires that somebody else has told them that they have an issue with (whatever it is) and they've taken it to heart. 

For all anybody knows at the moment, she could have recently emerged from a relationship with somebody who deliberately played games with her to make her jealous, then told her she had issues with jealousy.  So personally unless you've got some real bunny-boiler vibes here, and assuming you do like the girl, I don't see the harm in at least having a date and finding out a little bit more.  It doesn't seem like it would be a hard topic to broach with her, since she's said that she has issues with jealousy.  You really have to go with your instincts on this one I think.  But definitely bring up the subject sooner rather than later.  

[Gaeta]

The thing about pretty is you won't see it after a while so it won't compensate anymore for her ugly flaws. 

She laid the ugly flaws on the table. Why you would proceed is beyond me. Maybe you still have room for hurt & heartaches. 

[Midwest27]

39 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

The thing about pretty is you won't see it after a while so it won't compensate anymore for her ugly flaws. 

She laid the ugly flaws on the table. Why you would proceed is beyond me. Maybe you still have room for hurt & heartaches. 

She seems to want a serious relationship and shares a lot of my values which why I would consider looking past that flaw or at least seeing how it evolves in the future. I agree the physical attraction should not be the highest priority but I think I may be getting ahead of myself being that I haven't even gone on the date yet. It just has seemed strange to me how she has asked me questions about my sex life/past relationships before I have even met her and then claims to feel "heartbroken" over the idea that I've slept with other women in the past by the age of 27. Like seriously?

I think I'll have a better idea after tomorrow based on if she continues to display possessive or jealous behavior in person. I will try to use my best judgement regardless so I don't wind up in a toxic relationship again. I sometimes wonder if I am too choosey and never give any woman a chance so that is why I wanted to see if my concerns were shared with others here. 

Edited November 6, 2021 by Midwest27

[Gaeta]

1 minute ago, Midwest27 said:

I will try to use my best judgement regardless so I don't wind up in a toxic relationship again. 

The fact you are willing to go ahead after all the red flags she warned you about demontrates you have not learn from your past mistakes. People go from a toxic relationship to another and that's what you're about to do. Often the toxicity is different in each relationship but it's still toxic. Why are you not completely turned off by her behavior?

[Lotsgoingon]

Major red flags. Flaming. Exploding. 

You're already picking your words carefully--red flag, alarm, whatever term you want to use. You NEVER want to do that in a relationship. Never! A good partner is someone who LOVES your words and the way you think. Mark that down as a red flag. You need to know this. Signals don't get any louder than this one. 

She's insecure, a control freak. She is ignorant about her own project: which is to heal her own insecurity. Instead, she tries to control you from the start. That's some kind of twisted pain and insecurity--that is beyond you helping her with. 

And jealousy early on ... or even later ... is a cancer on a relationship. 

Absolutely run. Major major major major red flags here. 

 

Edited November 6, 2021 by Lotsgoingon

[Midwest27]

26 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

The fact you are willing to go ahead after all the red flags she warned you about demontrates you have not learn from your past mistakes. People go from a toxic relationship to another and that's what you're about to do. Often the toxicity is different in each relationship but it's still toxic. Why are you not completely turned off by her behavior?

There are just some other positive qualities she has that I thought might counter the jealousy. She seems like she would be willing to put in a lot of work into a relationship, has strong family values, and has shown a lot more interest in me than anyone has in a while. Is jealousy even a bad thing necessarily in a moderate amount? She does seem very loyal and like she is protective of her partner so I wonder if this is just a byproduct of having that mentality. I am very aware of the mistakes I've made in the past though and I have learned from them. I just don't know if it is fair to judge her before actually meeting her but I will not under any circumstance allow myself to get dragged into another controlling and dramatic relationship no matter how infatuated I am. I will go on the date since I really don't like to stand people up especially since I think it would really hurt her feelings if I back out the day before and tell her this reason. If this seems to be a theme during the date, I will just call her afterwards and say I didn't feel a connection or don't feel we are compatible and move on. 

Edited November 6, 2021 by Midwest27

[Gaeta]

13 hours ago, Midwest27 said:

 I noticed that if I went into much detail she would respond in an insecure or upset way. For instance after telling her about other women I've dated (since she insisted on knowing) she would then ask how she compares to them, or how much better my communication is with her. She has also asked me numerous times in the past week if I am talking to other girls (which I tried to dodge answering).

You sound like the spouse of a alcoholic when he's sober he's so nice.

No, nice qualities does not cancel out dysfunctions

Look in bold, that is not jealousy in moderate amount, that is jealousy at its worse, filled with insecurity, anything you do will ever be enough for her, she'll doubt your co-workers, your family members, your friends' gf. 

Seeing jealousy as love and protectiveness is YOUR dysfunction. 

[FMW]

Asking how she compares to other women stood out to me.  Yikes.  I think she would be needy and exhausting.

Edited November 6, 2021 by FMW

[Midwest27]

1 minute ago, Gaeta said:

You sound like the spouse of a alcoholic when he's sober he's so nice.

No, nice qualities does not cancel out dysfunctions

Look in bold, that is not jealousy in moderate amount, that is jealousy at its worse, filled with insecurity, anything you do will ever be enough for her, she'll doubt your co-workers, your family members, your friends' gf. 

Seeing jealousy as love and protectiveness is YOUR dysfunction. 

I think you are right. Ugh, I was super optimistic about this date but the facts seem to be right in front of me this time. It feels nice to be wanted and to have someone you are attracted to show so much interest in you, but I agree that these are red flags and that things will likely only get far worse once I am actually intimate with her. 

[Gaeta]

5 minutes ago, FMW said:

Asking how she compares to other women stood out to me.  Yikes.  I think she would be needy and exhausting.

Women like that are like a bottom-less baril, no matter how much you will poor in, she will never be reassured

Edited November 6, 2021 by Gaeta

[Midwest27]

2 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Women like that are like a bottom-less baril, no matter how much you will poor in, she will never be reassured

I know, I have another date this weekend so I will just put more energy to exploring that path further. I appreciate the help and honest advice. You are all amazing. 

[Versacehottie]

yup

[smackie9]

 

I'll explain the behavior. It's like OCD. There is no off switch. The reassurance is their temporary fix. Looking for reassurance is a coping mechanism. As soon as they feel insecure, they need/look for that fix of reassurance. When it wears off, they need it again to cope with their feelings. So every time you reassure them, you enable the behavior.

The only way to deal with this is to let them know you won't tolerate it/put up with it/doesn't fly with you. Let them know you are not willing to reassure them every time they get insecure. Tell them to find another way to deal with it. So if you explore this further, you must make this known. If you don't, you are caving in, and it gets worse as her feelings grow for you.

Edited November 6, 2021 by smackie9

[Calmandfocused]

Op are you the Doctor who recently tried to get back with his ex from years ago? - I could be getting you confused with someone else. 
 

Anyway …

Do not under any circumstances entertain anyone online that demonstrates red flags before you’ve even met them. To do so would be very unwise and potentially dangerous. 
 

Who cares whether you share common values? You will share common values with lots of different women. She’s not the only one. 
 

Jealous people are often irrational people. They will excuse their behaviour by saying they “can’t help it” and such behaviour escalates over time. 
 

If you don’t want to stalked, harassed, interrogated and smothered take a hard pass and take it sooner rather than later. 

[dramafreezone]

you're walking on eggshells already, no bueno.

Maybe just keep this a casual type of relationship.  No matter how much you reassure this one, it will never be enough.  She needs a therapist more than a boyfriend.

Look, everyone has a little jealousy in them from time to time.  It's in all of us, but there's a healthy amount and a dangerous amount.  If she's warning you about it, she probably knows that this is a big problem for her.

Edited November 6, 2021 by dramafreezone

[Calmandfocused]

Something I forgot to say  in my earlier post: 

Years ago, I had an amazing first date that transpired into a 2 year ish relationship. 
 

On the very first date he told me he had “anger problems” which I quickly ignored and dismissed. I (arrogantly) told myself (and him)  that he wouldn’t have anything to get “angry” with me about. Why would he? I considered this as unimportant at the time …
 

He was without doubt the most abusive man I have been in a relationship with. His anger was completely out of control but that was the least of his problems. The relationship was hell on Earth and it took me a long time to extract myself away from the relationship. 
 

Lesson learnt? Well he gave me a clue didn’t he? From the very first date he told me who he was but I didn’t listen. 
 

Don’t be me Op. when someone tells you who they are believe them. Don’t think you will be an exception. I can guarantee that you won’t be. Proceed with this and soon you will be marching towards a Fun Fair of Horror and trust me; it will not be an enjoyable ride. 

[Midwest27]

45 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

Op are you the Doctor who recently tried to get back with his ex from years ago? - I could be getting you confused with someone else. 
 

Anyway …

Do not under any circumstances entertain anyone online that demonstrates red flags before you’ve even met them. To do so would be very unwise and potentially dangerous. 
 

Who cares whether you share common values? You will share common values with lots of different women. She’s not the only one. 
 

Jealous people are often irrational people. They will excuse their behaviour by saying they “can’t help it” and such behaviour escalates over time. 
 

If you don’t want to stalked, harassed, interrogated and smothered take a hard pass and take it sooner rather than later. 

Yes I am that person you are thinking of from another thread. 

Thank you for the input. I strongly believe after the advice you and others have given that this would likely be where this goes and I think it is best for me to back off while it is still easy to do so. 

[central]

All I can think to say is that you must be really desperate to get laid if you're going to meet this dysfunctional train wreck.