Sad and upset

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Astanapane said:

It’s not that I’m willing so easily but the desire is definitely a strong feeling for me. 

So are you saying you have no control over your desires in order to do what is right?  You are definitely still planning to go ahead with the affair if he wants you

 

3 hours ago, Astanapane said:

I guess the timing was bad too as they moved away when we hooked up so until they come back I will be trying to see others and forget about him. 

....but are just waiting for his return.  Exactly what do you plan to get out of this relationship?

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Astanapane said:

Then after a bit of drinking things got spicy between us and then he walked back home and left it as if we were going to meet up again.  

Doesn't he have a car or is he a neighbor?

[Astanapane]

6 hours ago, stillafool said:

Doesn't he have a car or is he a neighbor?

He is a neighbor but has a car too

[Astanapane]

7 hours ago, stillafool said:

So are you saying you have no control over your desires in order to do what is right?  You are definitely still planning to go ahead with the affair if he wants you

 

....but are just waiting for his return.  Exactly what do you plan to get out of this relationship?

I’m interested in seeing where it can go when he returns but in the meantime I’m going to date and keep busy.

[BaileyB]

9 minutes ago, Astanapane said:

I’m interested in seeing where it can go

Where do you expect that it’s going to go?

[LynneVicious]

If you haven’t, head over to the Other Women forum. That should give you an idea what you’re in for if you continue. 

[Astanapane]

9 minutes ago, LynneVicious said:

If you haven’t, head over to the Other Women forum. That should give you an idea what you’re in for if you continue. 

Thanks, Is that forum within this site?

[Astanapane]

54 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Where do you expect that it’s going to go?

I’m not sure exactly what I’m trying to get out of the whole thing . I guess I’m interested in exploring, I think I find it intriguing.

[LynneVicious]

Yea, go to the home page > Romantic > Other Man/Other Women. 
You’ll see that there are no happy endings. Only destruction and heartache. Seriously, stop now and don’t go any further. 

edit: it’s intriguing because he’s unavailable. 

Edited November 8, 2021 by LynneVicious

[BaileyB]

6 minutes ago, Astanapane said:

I’m not sure exactly what I’m trying to get out of the whole thing . I guess I’m interested in exploring, I think I find it intriguing.

Yes, the other woman forum is on this site. Lost and broken souls posting in that forum - women trying to leave the married men they have had the misfortune of knowing and rebuild their lives… Still, for every sad story there are stories of resilience, women who have learned the lesson and are trying to help others avoid the pain they have experienced. 

You play with fire here. Best you educate yourself or you will be badly burned. 

Edited November 8, 2021 by BaileyB

[Astanapane]

4 minutes ago, LynneVicious said:

Yea, go to the home page > Romantic > Other Man/Other Women. 
You’ll see that there are no happy endings. Only destruction and heartache. Seriously, stop now and don’t go any further. 

edit: it’s intriguing because he’s unavailable. 

Thank you for the information and the support. 
i greatly appreciate all of your suggestions.

[Astanapane]

6 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Yes, the other woman forum is on this site. Lost and broken souls posting in that forum - women trying to leave the married men they have had the misfortune of knowing and rebuild their lives… Still, for every sad story there are stories of resilience, women who have learned the lesson and are trying to help others avoid the pain they have experienced. 

You play with fire here. Best you educate yourself or you will be badly burned. 

Thank you, I will check out the forum this evening. I do feel overwhelmed with all of this and I havent even started anything. I can imagine the heartache these women are feeling. It’s not a good feeling, emotions are so easily confused and manipulated one must protect themselves as much as possible. I guess the married men have the advantage over us and will try over and over again to connect and cheat.

[czanclus]

On 11/5/2021 at 6:44 PM, Astanapane said:

Does anyone have any suggestions for me regarding this feeling? Would love to hear any ideas or comments. Thank you.

Really sorry you are going through this. Regardless of whether the man in question is married or more generally unavailable to you, depending on how intense your feelings are, this could take a long time. It took me 4 years to get over someone I dated for 1.5 years long distance, for perspective. He wasn't married or in a relationship with anyone else to my knowledge at the time, but it hurt tremendously that he didn't want me. The sadness will take its toll, you'll question everything you are doing and need to work very hard every day to convince yourself that you are not a failure, but eventually, you'll breathe again and have hope again in yourself as a person worthy of someone's love that will be optional for your happiness.

Keep doing constructive things that are entirely non-intersecting to any interactions or sentiments with the man you long for, even if on some days those activities reduce to basic busy work. Great progress, all the same.

Best of luck, may you reach the other side much sooner.

[LynneVicious]

2 hours ago, Astanapane said:

Thank you, I will check out the forum this evening. I do feel overwhelmed with all of this and I havent even started anything. I can imagine the heartache these women are feeling. It’s not a good feeling, emotions are so easily confused and manipulated one must protect themselves as much as possible. I guess the married men have the advantage over us and will try over and over again to connect and cheat.

The problem with this thinking is that you’re victimizing the Other Women. 

The married man will only be able to cheat on his wife with a willing partner. Don’t victimize yourself because of poor choices. There is no advantage for them  if you maintain moral integrity. 

Know that the only ending for this kind of situation is heartbreak. Mostly likely, you. It’s not worth it so don’t do it girl!

[BaileyB]

8 hours ago, czanclus said:

Really sorry you are going through this. Regardless of whether the man in question is married or more generally unavailable to you, depending on how intense your feelings are, this could take a long time. It took me 4 years to get over someone I dated for 1.5 years long distance, for perspective. He wasn't married or in a relationship with anyone else to my knowledge at the time, but it hurt tremendously that he didn't want me. The sadness will take its toll, you'll question everything you are doing and need to work very hard every day to convince yourself that you are not a failure,

For a perspective, they had one date. Kindly OP, go on tinder and find someone else to date this weekend. Going on a date and one of you deciding not to pursue anything is a normal dating experience. This is life - 

[Astanapane]

9 hours ago, czanclus said:

Really sorry you are going through this. Regardless of whether the man in question is married or more generally unavailable to you, depending on how intense your feelings are, this could take a long time. It took me 4 years to get over someone I dated for 1.5 years long distance, for perspective. He wasn't married or in a relationship with anyone else to my knowledge at the time, but it hurt tremendously that he didn't want me. The sadness will take its toll, you'll question everything you are doing and need to work very hard every day to convince yourself that you are not a failure, but eventually, you'll breathe again and have hope again in yourself as a person worthy of someone's love that will be optional for your happiness.

Keep doing constructive things that are entirely non-intersecting to any interactions or sentiments with the man you long for, even if on some days those activities reduce to basic busy work. Great progress, all the same.

Best of luck, may you reach the other side much sooner.

Hi Czanclus,

Thank you for taking the time to write and sharing your experience. Although it’s been only one private date. we did have numerous shared occasions together prior to the date that were very engaging. The feeling is intense at times and yes I don’t think it matters if the person is married or generally unavailable the feelings are still very real. I will win the battle hopefully sooner than later! Thank you again for your kind words and time. 

[stillafool]

31 minutes ago, Astanapane said:

The feeling is intense at times and yes I don’t think it matters if the person is married or generally unavailable the feelings are still very real.

No one is discounting the feelings you have for him as we all are attracted to certain people.  The point is you have control over what you do with those feelings in order to make the right decisions.  It wouldn't be his fault that you got involved with him as that is completely in your hands.  Remember there is such a thing as karma.

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, stillafool said:

The point is you have control over what you do with those feelings in order to make the right decisions.  It wouldn't be his fault that you got involved with him as that is completely in your hands. 

Indeed.

OP, if you know the man is married and you chose to pursue any kind of relationship with the man, you are not a victim. You become a volunteer for whatever pain that association will cause you. 

Edited November 8, 2021 by BaileyB

[Astanapane]

35 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Indeed.

OP, if you know the man is married and you chose to pursue any kind of relationship with the man, you are not a victim. You become a volunteer for whatever pain that association will cause you. 

Yes this makes total sense to me and  I will keep this in mind as I work on forgetting about him and moving on to better relationships. Thank you.

[Astanapane]

2 hours ago, stillafool said:

No one is discounting the feelings you have for him as we all are attracted to certain people.  The point is you have control over what you do with those feelings in order to make the right decisions.  It wouldn't be his fault that you got involved with him as that is completely in your hands.  Remember there is such a thing as karma.

Yes, I understand this and will remember it every time I think of him. It will help me forget him sooner. Thank you. 

[czanclus]

4 hours ago, BaileyB said:

For a perspective, they had one date.  

Acknowledged, but, did I miss or did the OP not specify: how long have you known him and to what extent, @Astanapane? My good friend worked with a married guy (meanwhile dated other men and didn't take much note of this one) for over 3 years, pretty close work interaction, until one day she declared she is low-key in love with him. In the latter part of their (work) time together, he gave her all the reasons to feel wanted by him, even if she never in any appreciable count of words told him she has fallen for him. I saw the texts and photos of cute handwritten notes to go with her morning coffees and pastries delivered by him to her desk. Long story short, one or maybe two (the second one for some kind of resolution talk) proper dates took place (don't believe there was any note-worthy physical interaction), for her to be given to understand he "cannot" leave his wife and pre-school aged child despite how uninspiring his marriage is and how little the wife and him do anything together. It was at least another 6 months until my friend came to terms with the rejection (accompanied by all the whatthe... looking back at texts, notes, etc), plus another few months after that where she witnessed him low-key flirting with another (younger, more feminine) employer like the world is there for his indulgence.

OP, keep plugging, no looking back. This as such is going nowhere.

[Astanapane]

2 hours ago, czanclus said:

Acknowledged, but, did I miss or did the OP not specify: how long have you known him and to what extent, @Astanapane? My good friend worked with a married guy (meanwhile dated other men and didn't take much note of this one) for over 3 years, pretty close work interaction, until one day she declared she is low-key in love with him. In the latter part of their (work) time together, he gave her all the reasons to feel wanted by him, even if she never in any appreciable count of words told him she has fallen for him. I saw the texts and photos of cute handwritten notes to go with her morning coffees and pastries delivered by him to her desk. Long story short, one or maybe two (the second one for some kind of resolution talk) proper dates took place (don't believe there was any note-worthy physical interaction), for her to be given to understand he "cannot" leave his wife and pre-school aged child despite how uninspiring his marriage is and how little the wife and him do anything together. It was at least another 6 months until my friend came to terms with the rejection (accompanied by all the whatthe... looking back at texts, notes, etc), plus another few months after that where she witnessed him low-key flirting with another (younger, more feminine) employer like the world is there for his indulgence.

OP, keep plugging, no looking back. This as such is going nowhere.

Hello,

One date, I’ve know him for almost a year now. 
This is definitely not a good idea, especially for me and my sanity. He’s not worth it and although I see his online activity etc I will continue to ignore as much as possible as this seems the best way to deal with my crush. I hope soon to meet someone that is single and kind. His wife seems very nice not sure why she stays with him, that’s her business. We are friends with her too so there will be some interaction but not much especially since they are out of state now.

[vla1120]

On 11/5/2021 at 9:25 PM, Astanapane said:

Also he told me he’s in an open relationship but I’m not so sure about that part.

This is typical cheating MM talk. I'll bet they sleep in separate bedrooms, too. Him moving away is the best thing that could have happened to you. Now, you are free (once you are over the initial pain of losing him) to find someone who will be there for you, caring for you and only you.

[Astanapane]

17 hours ago, vla1120 said:

This is typical cheating MM talk. I'll bet they sleep in separate bedrooms, too. Him moving away is the best thing that could have happened to you. Now, you are free (once you are over the initial pain of losing him) to find someone who will be there for you, caring for you and only you.

I know it’s typical and I can’t believe I’m even thinking of him. It’s not like he’s the best looking or anything I just find him attractive for some reason. I know other men that are kinder and more attractive in every way.  I need to move on and just forget about him. I also think because he’s vague and plays it cool I’m more attracted to him too. I can’t have him so maybe that creates a desire or excitement for me. Thank you for your kindness and support. 

[BaileyB]

22 hours ago, Astanapane said:

I also think because he’s vague and plays it cool I’m more attracted to him too. I can’t have him so maybe that creates a desire or excitement for me. 

This, is what you need to understand about yourself. Because the truth is, we all know people who are attractive to us but we go about our day if they are committed to another or not interested for whatever reason. The fact that you perseverate on THIS man is what you need to understand. 

Two things to - feelings are just that, feelings. They are by their very nature, fleeting. If you attend to them, they stay. If you distract yourself, they will eventually go away… That’s why choosing your thoughts is so important. You have a feeling, and you tell yourself that it is something - something you want to pursue, something you are missing, something that you have lost. When you perseverate on that thought, it becomes a hard wired pattern and it gives that feeling/thought more importance than it should have. Distract yourself, shut those thoughts down, challenge your thinking (ie, what I want for my life is a man who is available to love me and have a relationship - this man was not the right one), and you will move past this.