Astanapane Posted November 5, 2021 Posted November 5, 2021 (edited) Hello, i have a crush on a married man. We went on one date together. He has since moved to another state. We have very limited text connection, about once a month. I’m sad because he’s far away and I know there is no chance to be together. I try to forget about him but no matter how busy I keep myself he is still in my mind. Does anyone have any suggestions for me regarding this feeling? Would love to hear any ideas or comments. Thank you. Edited November 5, 2021 by Astanapane Spelling
ClearEyes-FullHeart Posted November 5, 2021 Posted November 5, 2021 Delete and date locally. I think his moving is the best thing to happen for you. Having an affair with a married person won’t lead to happiness. Cut all ties and move forward by dating single people who live in your area. Good luck. 3
spiderowl Posted November 6, 2021 Posted November 6, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, Astanapane said: Hello, i have a crush on a married man. We went on one date together. He has since moved to another state. We have very limited text connection, about once a month. I’m sad because he’s far away and I know there is no chance to be together. I try to forget about him but no matter how busy I keep myself he is still in my mind. Does anyone have any suggestions for me regarding this feeling? Would love to hear any ideas or comments. Thank you. Dear Astanapane, you are probably on the road to hell if you don't grasp the need to get this guy out of your mind. I realise that is easier said than done if you have fallen for someone, but he is married, far away, and showing very little interest (though he should not be showing any). Anyone can seem like the dream guy if you don't know them that well and hardly see them. You know, rationally, that this guy is probably beyond reach and, even if you did meet up again, it is unlikely to go anywhere except brief illicit meetings which will leave you feeling more attached but empty. I hope you realise that and are asking for ways to banish him from your mind. I would suggest some self-hypnosis techniques, relaxing, mentally picturing him, then mentally making his image smaller and smaller until he disappears into a dot. Other ways might be to mentally associate him with horrible things, like him covered in spiders or something if you hate spiders. I am sure you can think up your own ways to visualise him turning into nothing or something extremely disagreeable. As long as you are doing the opposite and fantasising about the good aspects of him, you are not seeing him as he really is: a cheat who would betray his wife, someone who may have bad living habits like leaving dirty clothes around, or who has undesirable addictions, like drugs, drink, gambling, or messing about with other women. You deserve someone who can be there for you, be a friend, a lover, who is there to help you and be supportive. This guy will do none of these things. Your fantasy image of him will only prevent you from opening your heart to genuinely available guys. Good luck! Edited November 6, 2021 by spiderowl 2
Author Astanapane Posted November 6, 2021 Author Posted November 6, 2021 28 minutes ago, spiderowl said: Dear Astanapane, you are probably on the road to hell if you don't grasp the need to get this guy out of your mind. I realise that is easier said than done if you have fallen for someone, but he is married, far away, and showing very little interest (though he should not be showing any). Anyone can seem like the dream guy if you don't know them that well and hardly see them. You know, rationally, that this guy is probably beyond reach and, even if you did meet up again, it is unlikely to go anywhere except brief illicit meetings which will leave you feeling more attached but empty. I hope you realise that and are asking for ways to banish him from your mind. I would suggest some self-hypnosis techniques, relaxing, mentally picturing him, then mentally making his image smaller and smaller until he disappears into a dot. Other ways might be to mentally associate him with horrible things, like him covered in spiders or something if you hate spiders. I am sure you can think up your own ways to visualise him turning into nothing or something extremely disagreeable. As long as you are doing the opposite and fantasising about the good aspects of him, you are not seeing him as he really is: a cheat who would betray his wife, someone who may have bad living habits like leaving dirty clothes around, or who has undesirable addictions, like drugs, drink, gambling, or messing about with other women. You deserve someone who can be there for you, be a friend, a lover, who is there to help you and be supportive. This guy will do none of these things. Your fantasy image of him will only prevent you from opening your heart to genuinely available guys. Good luck! Hi SpiderOwl, Thank you so much for your reply. It makes total sense to me and I’ve been trying all of these tactics. Sometimes it works but other times it doesn’t and that’s when I get upset. What makes it worst for me is that we are connected on LinkedIn and I know he sees my postings and interactions but doesn’t acknowledge me online. I don’t want to disconnect our connection as we share similar networks and business connections for work. I will continue to try mental tricks to erase him from my mind. Also he told me he’s in an open relationship but I’m not so sure about that part.
spiderowl Posted November 6, 2021 Posted November 6, 2021 (edited) You do know you can disconnect him on LinkedIn? You can still keep your other network and business connections. I am sure there must be a way of blocking him, but others can advise on that. It really does help to block someone who is likely to pull at your heart strings even if he is not doing anything actively to do that. Out of sight really does help with out of mind. He might be telling the truth about an open relationship, then again he might not. Cheaters lie. They betray their partners. If you do come across him again (though I would advise avoiding him at all costs) you could tell him you would need to get his wife's approval for a relationship with him. If he truly is in an open relationship, there should be no problem with this. Of course, you would need to seek his wife's approval directly, not via hearsay from him. It would be easy for him to say his wife is ok about it when she actually knows nothing. Bear in mind that even if he is in an open relationship, that does not mean he would leave his wife for you. An open relationship usually means they are a couple who has agreed that each can have relationships outside the marriage but that the marriage is the 'core' relationship and that neither expects their partner to leave the marriage. Edited November 6, 2021 by spiderowl 2 1
smackie9 Posted November 6, 2021 Posted November 6, 2021 To get out of this is to keep busy, fill your calendar with outings/activities, seeing friends, etc. You need change. Get a make over, buy a new wardrobe, go out on some dates to distract yourself. From what I have observed, women with low self esteem seem to get caught up in these affairs. It makes you feel very desired/special....and that can be very addicting. You lose all common sense. We desire most what we can't have and that's why many women fall into the MM trap. Just think to yourself...you get no benefit out of this. You should be mad at yourself, and use that anger to push yourself through. 2
Wiseman2 Posted November 6, 2021 Posted November 6, 2021 10 hours ago, Astanapane said: I have a crush on a married man. It's good to stay busy but it seems like you want a BF, not a work acquaintance you had a crush on. Get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting local single men for a low-key coffee . That is the best way to start. 2
Author Astanapane Posted November 6, 2021 Author Posted November 6, 2021 Hello Everyone, Thank you for all your comments and support. I don’t want to disconnect my LinkedIn with him as it’s because of that connection I’ve been able to build a new career and continue to get good leads from the connection. He cheated on his wife 5 years ago and since then he’s in an open relationship. I believe they are open but definitely with limitations as his behavior indicates that from the beginning. I may have low self esteem at times but most of the time I’m fine with a busy healthy lifestyle. His wife is very cool and actually doesn’t seem too bothered about his flirting. I didn’t expect to hear he’s in an open relationship on our date and in fact that put a damper on it for me. My view of the relationship changed as then I realized it’s a totally different type of affair. I still enjoy thinking of him and this is the part I’m struggling with the most and would like to change. I get lots of attention from men in real life and online but for some silly reason I’m smitten with him. The only positive from all of this is my new successful career. 1
Wiseman2 Posted November 6, 2021 Posted November 6, 2021 6 hours ago, Astanapane said: I get lots of attention from men in real life and online Excellent. Go with that. Soon you'll find someone worthy of your smittenness (< made that word up just for you) 1
Lotsgoingon Posted November 6, 2021 Posted November 6, 2021 Suggestions? Yes, stop talking to a married man. Morally it's a problem. But forget morals. Sanity-wise and mental-health wise, it's a disaster. Get into your life and meet people locally.
Author Astanapane Posted November 7, 2021 Author Posted November 7, 2021 14 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said: Suggestions? Yes, stop talking to a married man. Morally it's a problem. But forget morals. Sanity-wise and mental-health wise, it's a disaster. Get into your life and meet people locally. Curious, have you been in this situation before?
Lotsgoingon Posted November 7, 2021 Posted November 7, 2021 No, thank God I have not been in this situation ... except I've gotten a mild taste of it by dating ambivalent folks, people who start dating while secretely harboring deep doubts. OMG, they are so unavailable emotionally ... and physically at times. Drove me nots. And confession: I drove other people nuts by being ambivalent and distant in my younger years. One of my best friends dated a married guy. Awful for her esteem. for her confidence and stability. Awful. And the typical scenario just happens pretty much in 99 percent of affair relationships. 3
stillafool Posted November 7, 2021 Posted November 7, 2021 1 hour ago, Astanapane said: Curious, have you been in this situation before? I've been hit on by attractive MM but was actually disgusted that they would think so lowly of me that they somehow determined I would be involved with something like that. It really bothered me and I wondered is it was something I was doing wrong. It's an insult to that they thought I was that type of woman. MM who cheat will cheat on you too if you get involved. If they cheat and lie to the person they made vows to they will do it to you. Plus dealing with a MM is a dead end street. No matter what they promise they rarely leave their wives. 1
BaileyB Posted November 7, 2021 Posted November 7, 2021 No offence OP, but it’s hard to have sympathy for you when you are pining over another woman’s husband. What is so lacking in your life that you would chose this for yourself?
Author Astanapane Posted November 7, 2021 Author Posted November 7, 2021 21 minutes ago, BaileyB said: No offence OP, but it’s hard to have sympathy for you when you are pining over another woman’s husband. What is so lacking in your life that you would chose this for yourself? Not exactly sure what’s lacking to answer this yet. His wife seems like she doesn’t care that much or has learned to live with it. So I guess that doesn’t bother me so much because I see she’s okay with it. I see him as single because of his attitude and his behavior too. I guess the timing was bad too as they moved away when we hooked up so until they come back I will be trying to see others and forget about him.
stillafool Posted November 7, 2021 Posted November 7, 2021 15 minutes ago, Astanapane said: His wife seems like she doesn’t care that much or has learned to live with it. What do you mean she doesn't care? Did she know you went on dates with him?
BaileyB Posted November 7, 2021 Posted November 7, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, Astanapane said: His wife seems like she doesn’t care that much or has learned to live with it. So I guess that doesn’t bother me so much because I see she’s okay with it. I see him as single because of his attitude and his behavior too. Has his wife told you this for fact? You do realize that a common trait of most married men is that they lie - It’s generally inherent in the role because not many women would consider their proposition if they said they were happily married and had no intention to divorce. Not many women would be willing to “date” another woman’s husband. Edited November 7, 2021 by BaileyB
elaine567 Posted November 7, 2021 Posted November 7, 2021 On 11/6/2021 at 1:07 PM, Astanapane said: He cheated on his wife 5 years ago and since then he’s in an open relationship. Yeah sure... Ask his wife about that...MM lie and the "open relationship" is a common lie. 2
Author Astanapane Posted November 7, 2021 Author Posted November 7, 2021 1 hour ago, stillafool said: What do you mean she doesn't care? Did she know you went on dates with him? Yes, she knew we went on a date. It happened to last longer than I expected, a five hour dinner date. He checked his phone a couple of times. The time together was lovely and a very memorable date for me.
Author Astanapane Posted November 7, 2021 Author Posted November 7, 2021 48 minutes ago, BaileyB said: Has his wife told you this for fact? You do realize that a common trait of most married men is that they lie - It’s generally inherent in the role because not many women would consider their proposition if they said they were happily married and had no intention to divorce. Not many women would be willing to “date” another woman’s husband. Yes I do realize this is common behavior for married men. It’s not that I’m willing so easily but the desire is definitely a strong feeling for me.
BaileyB Posted November 7, 2021 Posted November 7, 2021 3 minutes ago, Astanapane said: Yes, she knew we went on a date. She knew because he said she knew? Or because, she met you at the door and wished you a lovely evening?
Author Astanapane Posted November 7, 2021 Author Posted November 7, 2021 22 minutes ago, BaileyB said: She knew because he said she knew? Or because, she met you at the door and wished you a lovely evening? Yes, it’s the first thing he said to me. He said “We are in an open relationship and she knows we are together tonight” I was surprised and didn’t think of asking him what exactly are the rules and how it works for them. Afterwards a friend told me I should of asked about the details etc. I was not expecting that for some reason I assumed he was going act like it s an affair and it would be a secret. So it was a big shock and I just ignored it. Then after a bit of drinking things got spicy between us and then he walked back home and left it as if we were going to meet up again.
BaileyB Posted November 7, 2021 Posted November 7, 2021 (edited) 29 minutes ago, Astanapane said: Yes, it’s the first thing he said to me. He said “We are in an open relationship and she knows we are together tonight” Well, if he said it - it must be true? Right? I mean, what reason would a married man have to lie about the fact that his wife is aware he is on a date with another woman? Edited November 7, 2021 by BaileyB
Author Astanapane Posted November 7, 2021 Author Posted November 7, 2021 15 minutes ago, BaileyB said: Well, if he said it - it must be true? Right? I mean, what reason would a married man have to lie about the fact that his wife is aware he is on a date with another woman? Of course I see how ridiculous it is but at the time it seemed truthful. I know he cheated on her and I know they are in some kind of open relationship as others have mentioned it too. So it’s not ideal in any sense. I’m just saying this is how it has unfolded. I don’t expect much to happen even if he moves back here and hopefully soon I’m able to forget about him in this way and just have a simple friendship.
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