Seems distant?

[Myasylum]

I've been with this girl around 5 months.  Live apart but have spent every weekend together for those 5 months.  Monday she text me and said she's been feeling distance between us if late.  I said,  not in my end? Idk? Then I met up with her at a bar with her sister (who is a freind).  My girlfriend was being a little "off". Now it's the weekend again and she said she's sorry but she felt this distance to begin with and she was getting jealous of me and her sister which made her feel more distant... she just has a lot on her mind of late with working a lot and possibly getting a new job, so... she thinks wants to spend this weekend at home to collect her thoughts and get some things done around the house. I asked if we were OK between us were not breaking up or anything?  She said things are fine with "us" and we're definitely not breaking up,  she loves me. 

 This is our first weekend apart. 

      And... thats fine,  but the distance she's been feeling seems she's creating herself. Idk? I didn't say that,  but you think this is something to worry about?  Is she drifting away.  Now i'm the one feeling distance... and it's rather uncomfortable, but I'm trying to be cool and supportive in giving her this time to herself. 

   Any thoughts? Should I be concerned?

   Thanks!

[glows]

That is a strong, clear comment about possible and total lack of boundaries between her sister and you. Do you spend time with her sister or talk/text/chat at length privately or does her sister confide in you about her personal life or vice versa? 

 

[Myasylum]

That is a tricky one.  I was friends with her sister first.  I was introduced by her sister.  So yea,  it is a little more complicated than I thought it would be.  I try to make sure I give my girlfriend 100% though.  It just seems at times my girlfriend is put off by my friendship with her sister.  Hence the jealously.  I never thought yet would be as tricky as it is. To me it's just one big happy family... but I guess it isn't.  So yea,  obviously since we've been friends I have texted her,  called her and such.  Am I not supposed to be her freind anymore? Idk?

Edited November 5, 2021 by Myasylum

[dramafreezone]

49 minutes ago, Myasylum said:

but you think this is something to worry about?  Is she drifting away.  Now i'm the one feeling distance... and it's rather uncomfortable, but I'm trying to be cool and supportive in giving her this time to herself. 

   Any thoughts? Should I be concerned?

   Thanks!

Pulling away happens in almost every relationship.  At some point someone is going to grow distant.  It's a loss of attraction.

We guys run into trouble when we pay too much attention to the reasons mapped on to the behavior, rather than how you should respond.  I wouldn't pay very much attention to why she says she's feeling distant.  She may not really even know, and is just saying something to give you an answer.

When she is pulling back, you have to pull back.  Everyone in relationships needs space to recharge, to breathe, for their feelings to grow again, for her to miss you again.  She *wants* to miss you.

Sometimes they want to pull back just to make sure that you're not going to freak out, so at times it can be a test to see how you'll respond.

Just sit back, relax let her have her space.  When she's ready to communicate she will.

Edited November 5, 2021 by dramafreezone

[elaine567]

If you want this relationship to work, ditch the sister.
It will never work otherwise.

[glows]

44 minutes ago, Myasylum said:

That is a tricky one.  I was friends with her sister first.  I was introduced by her sister.  So yea,  it is a little more complicated than I thought it would be.  I try to make sure I give my girlfriend 100% though.  It just seems at times my girlfriend is put off by my friendship with her sister.  Hence the jealously.  I never thought yet would be as tricky as it is. To me it's just one big happy family... but I guess it isn't.  So yea,  obviously since we've been friends I have texted her,  called her and such.  Am I not supposed to be her freind anymore? Idk?

Your girlfriend likely feels insecure because of this friendship you have with her sister that predates your relationship. You might have to use your discretion and figure out whether your friendship with her sister needs to take a backseat to the relationship or whether you want to be in this relationship at all. It may have been novel and exciting to date or be intimate with one sister and be emotionally close with the other as "friends". 

Do you have feelings for your friend?

Given the circumstances I think it's natural for your girlfriend to distance herself. She's protecting herself from further disappointment and heartache because she senses that you may be oversharing or communicating too much with her sister.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Myasylum said:

Am I not supposed to be her freind anymore? Idk?

Eh, this is her sister so the goalposts are not the same as a random female friend. 

She is giving you pretty clear signals that you need better boundaries with her sister. It was a bit naive on your part to assume this would be just one big happy family, so if you want to keep your girlfriend, you would be wise to put some healthy space between yourself and her sister. 

[Girl Fade Away]

2 hours ago, glows said:

That is a strong, clear comment about possible and total lack of boundaries between her sister and you. Do you spend time with her sister or talk/text/chat at length privately or does her sister confide in you about her personal life or vice versa? 

 

This is CORRECT.  Your girl is definitely feeling discomfort about your *friendship* with her sister, anxiety, insecurity.  This is why she has pulled back, it's NOT lack of attraction in this instance.

[Saracena]

Agree with the others here regarding her sister. In fact, she may well feel she's unable to 'complete' with her sister and is feeling insecure as a result.  Out of interest, did you ever date her sister in the past? Even if not, your friendship would be enough induce these feelings.

It is a pretty awkward situation though.

[chillii]

As others say , no way you talk message or see a sister separately. That's 3fold worse than just a good female friend, or her a male friend, which most people eventually have problems with even if they don't admit it, but a sister. She'd be feeling all kinds of things.

The space and distance , every wkend for 5mths, no wonder on top of the sister and your gf also with a lot else on her mind right now too. More to it and it's about you two as well, can't know , but you can't keep the sister thing on the side. And don't go confiding in her, you may as well pour gasoline on it . Give your gf some space this wkend, don't bug her, go do something else.

Edited November 5, 2021 by chillii

[Myasylum]

Huh,  I think in actually learning something here today.  I really didn't think it was that big of deal.  They are sisters, I assumed there would be a greater trust/bond there. I guess not.  I will have to watch myself more carefully.  

    I just talked to the girlfriend.  She said she misses me,  but she's staying home tonight. Maybe tomorrow.  I just said that I understand it's all good, and that I loved her.  I'll leave her be now. 

[smackie9]

All she wants is to have all your focus on her, so ya you need to kool it with the sister. Maybe in the past she has lost BFs or interests to her sister so she's feeling a bit of that. Just communicate to her that you understand and willing to do whatever to make her happy. If it means cutting her sister out of the picture then so be it.

[Wiseman2]

20 weeks dating is a good time to reflect on if it's a good fit.

Do you spend equal amounts of time in her place and yours?

Do you both live alone or with parents or roommates?

It's seems like she's having doubts. Is there an ex or on/off BF in the picture?

When someone is suddenly "busy" with a bunch of vague excuses they're contemplating ending it. For whatever reason... and you know what those reasons are.

What does she mean by "off"? In a rut? No romance? Not enough exclusivity or commitment?

It's odd you mentioned that you "don't live together", even though at 20 weeks dating that would be bizarre.

[Myasylum]

I just mentioned we don't live together just to make it clear, and someone did anyway. 

And is there and ex,  yes these things all cross my mind. And what can you do? Everyone has an ex.  Truth is. Who knows.  Who really knows but her. 

I guess I'll see where I stand on Monday. This will be a difficult weekend for sure. 

[Gaeta]

19 hours ago, Myasylum said:

Monday she text me and said she's been feeling distance between us if late.  I said,  not in my end? Idk? Then I met up with her at a bar with her sister (who is a freind). 

So your girlfriend text you she is feeling a distance between you and her and next time you meet her the sister is present? why? who brought the sister along? 

[Myasylum]

She did.  I didn't.  I didn't know she was going to be there. 

That is what I mean though... she said she's been feeling a distance between us,  but then wants a weekend to herself? I don't get it? Seems as though she's creating the distance. 

Then she says she misses me? Confused. 

[Gaeta]

Emotional closeness is not something you always fix by being close physically. She wants the weekend to herself to miss you, that's how she wants to fix it. If she resents you for something it's not going to go away because you are physically together, it could actually make the resentment grow stronger. 

Spending all of your weekend together from the start is a bit much, she needs alone time (don't we all) and giving each other some free time on weekends once in a while is good. How about you give yourself a wekeend off each month? For friends, family, errands, alone time. 

Five months dating is when you know you've got each other and it's ok to spend time apart. Of course you miss each other when you're apart but it's a good thing, makes the feelings grow deeper and the reunion more enjoyable. 

[Gaeta]

I forgot to add, you have to pick between your gf or your friendship with her sister. I have a big family, I have an uncle & aunt that are still resentfull against each other because my aunt thinks in 1955 her sister had a secret thing with the man that became her husband. Keeping the friendship with the sister will hurt your relationship with GF and it will hurt the sister's relationship. 

[dramafreezone]

4 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Emotional closeness is not something you always fix by being close physically. She wants the weekend to herself to miss you, that's how she wants to fix it. If she resents you for something it's not going to go away because you are physically together, it could actually make the resentment grow stronger. 

Spending all of your weekend together from the start is a bit much, she needs alone time (don't we all) and giving each other some free time on weekends once in a while is good. How about you give yourself a wekeend off each month? For friends, family, errands, alone time. 

Five months dating is when you know you've got each other and it's ok to spend time apart. Of course you miss each other when you're apart but it's a good thing, makes the feelings grow deeper and the reunion more enjoyable. 

I remember a funny back and forth on the TV show "The Big Bang Theory."  The main guy was talking with his GF and said we've been doing so well and I don't want to mess it up by going away for a while.

Then his GF said, "sweetie if you're going to mess things up it's going to be while you're here."

That's not something I understood in my youth but now I know that a woman's love grows in a man's absence.  It's the old saying "how can I miss you if you won't ever go away."  Guys by default think they have to be in her presence for her attraction to grow.  In the beginning you need to be there more but after a certain point it flips and the attraction grows in the absence of each other.

Edited November 6, 2021 by dramafreezone