Boyfriend's (22m)mom wants him to break up with me (22f)

[bea5467]

Okay so this one is a bit of a doozy, so bear with me. I've (22f) been dating my boyfriend (23m) for 4 years, ever since we met freshman year of college. His parents, especially his mother have always been controlling--they monitor his bank account activity, got very upset with him when they found out we were having sex, and really didn't want us to move in together after we graduated college, preferring that we got married before we lived together. His mother has also said some pretty heinous things about me to him, saying that he was only dating me for "free sex", judging my/my family's financial situation, etc. I always knew she was judgmental and protective, and I've accepted it, until recently when my boyfriend and I moved in together, which she has always been opposed to, but that’s when things really took a turn.

Some context, I have struggled with chronic illness for the majority of his and I's relationship, which he has always understood and been supportive of. She recently found out about my health situation (I've never felt comfortable sharing it with her), because my boyfriend had been worried about my worsening state and had been pulling more weight around the house.

We are now taking time off/apart after moving out of our toxic living situation, and it was mostly my idea, and I felt I needed time to focus on my health and next steps in life. He agreed, and we both thought it would be best to date ourselves for awhile, re-evaluating our relationship when the time comes. However, we still talk occasionally, and he shared with me that his mom gave him a lecture on how she's "deeply concerned" about him, because he doesn't have a job/didn't take an internship she wanted him to do/and also in regards to how I treat him. She has been telling him that she thinks I'm co-dependent on him, am using him, and am a manipulative partner. She's been sending him articles about these topics and been asking him if they resonate. She's done this multiple times over the past few months. She has also told him that she thinks he should break up with me, or that she hopes he makes the "right choice" regarding his and I's relationship. She's also been telling this to other members of his family, the details of which I'm not sure, but saying that the whole family is "concerned" about my boyfriend. I now have to worry about how members of his family, some of whom I've never met, will perceive me, thinking I'm a toxic girlfriend.

My boyfriend and I have discussed our relationship dynamic many times, as well as the topic of co-dependency, and every time we come to the conclusion that it does not resonate in terms of our relationship. I have also told him that I need to know if feels that I'm taking advantage of him/am dependent on him, and he has never told me anything close to that. We also seem to have very healthy discussions surrounding this, to make sure we do not have an unhealthy relationship, and if he truly felt like we had an unfair dynamic I would completely understand if he needed to take space from me.

So to summarize, his mom thinks it's unfair that my boyfriend has been supporting me through my health journey, that I do not consider his needs, and am a manipulative partner. He tried to ask her for concrete examples for why she thinks this is the case but she has not been able to offer any. If I genuinely thought she thinks I'm a bad partner I would genuinely like to sit down and talk to her and discuss why she thinks that, hearing her perspective, and offering my own experience in return. However, I think this just has more to do with the way she has always judged me in our relationship. This is also not a unique experience, she also hates her oldest son's girlfriend because she's older, has tattoos, didn't go to college, and is touchy with him. I have met her, and she seems nothing but nice and loving, and she has also felt scrutinized by his family, his mother in particular.

I just feel completely stuck on what to do. I will not apologize for having a chronic illness, but I am also just exhausted by feeling as if nothing I do will ever be good enough for her or his family. I'm deeply frustrated with my boyfriend for not sticking up for me more, and I just don't know how I'm supposed to move forward with a relationship with her, or my boyfriend for that matter. He has always had a problem sticking up for me to his family, and his mother is so manipulative that I don't think he's ever going to not worry about what she thinks. I also really don't want him to miss out on a healthy relationship with his mother because of me. How do I move forward? Is this just a lost cause? I really can't handle people saying I'm manipulative/I should be broken up with when I'm on this path where I'm finally starting to physically feel better, and I'm tired of feeling like my boyfriend doesn't stick up for me or communicate with me clearly about his own feelings on the situation. I can tell what his mother thinks is getting to him and that he feels more resentful of me than usual, but won’t talk about it. Is this worth ending my relationship over? I need to focus on myself and I'm just over the drama and toxicity.

TL;DR Boyfriend’s mom is telling him that he should break up with me because i’m manipulative and co-dependent, which he and I agree is not true, but he also has a hard time sticking up for me, and let’s what she says get to him. What do I do? How do I move forward with my relationship with him and his family? Should I?

Thank you so much for listening to this and advice is welcome and wanted

Edited November 3, 2021 by bea5467

[Maldives]

That's always tough have you told him how you feel about him not sticking up for you as much? If you have and he's not doing anything about it stepping up maybe try counselling before ending things as four yrs is a long time to just let it go. The counselling will definatley guide you to the right decision. Make sure you choose a counsellor that's not biased too towards one sex. I've had that when I had couple counselling with an ex choose a good grounded counsellor that's balanced that should help you alot in your decision and him as well. If he doesn't go to counseling that's a worry but not all is lost. Go yourself you will still be guided I think to a choice 

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm a little confused. Are you and he currently together, or are you broken up?

5 hours ago, bea5467 said:

We are now taking time off/apart after moving out of our toxic living situation, and it was mostly my idea, and I felt I needed time to focus on my health and next steps in life. He agreed, and we both thought it would be best to date ourselves for awhile, re-evaluating our relationship when the time comes.

This sounds to me like it's already essentially over, to be honest. It's a lot of nebulous language without giving a concrete picture of what's meant to happen during this time apart or when you two are going to meet and talk about whether there's a future. What do you need to re-evaluate, exactly?  I can understand that you need to take care of your health, but if you cannot do that in the context of your relationship, it says a lot about the strength of the partnership (or lack thereof, in this case) And relationship problems generally aren't solved when a couple is not together, in my experience. Are there are other problems between you, or was this choice to separate based mostly on the issues with his mother?

I do agree that he seems to enmeshed with Mom, and I can't fathom why he's sharing all those details with you. You already know she does not like you so I don't see what he stands to gain by reporting everything back to you - unless, despite what he says, he also feels the same way she does on some level but is hiding behind her opinion because he's too afraid to be honest. He is definitely part of the problem if he does not stand up for you, and after putting up with this for 4 years, I would likely just call it a day. Their mommy-son dynamic would not jive with me and I would not be intersested in pleading my case to her or trying to convince this woman to like me. Nah. 

Edited November 3, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[glows]

Why are his accounts joint with his parents? Do either of you work enough to support yourselves? You had mentioned that they monitor his accounts. It doesn't sound like he's able to support himself or you.

Where are you living now if you're taking time off or living apart? 

I strongly suggest you do not move back in with him until you're sure that both of you are able to support yourselves independently and until you are very sure that there are healthy boundaries in place regarding his family members. Seeing from what you've written, I don't think this will happen overnight. If you have an inkling that something is amiss with your boyfriend especially not having enough of a backbone or if you both have taken on more than you can handle right now at 22/23, don't proceed or keep making the same mistakes.

You are infinitely better off caring for your health, getting yourself back in good shape, pursuing your career or more education. It's a sensitive time right now in your early twenties. Make the most of it. Don't let a soured relationship hold you back.

 

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, bea5467 said:

  he also has a hard time sticking up for me, and let’s what she says get to him.  

Does he tell you all this? Are you both living at home with parents? Where are your friends and family?

Are you seeing doctors and therapists about your health problems?

As long as he won't work and his parents are supporting him, he has to answer to them.

Your BF is the problem, not his family. He wants to end it and focus on what he needs to which is his future, not your health problems.

You've been together too long, got together too young and it's been too toxic. End it and focus on yourself and your health.

It's your, your family, doctors and therapists responsibility to focus on your health, not his or his mother's.