Kandigumm Posted November 2, 2021 Posted November 2, 2021 So my boyfriend and I started dating a year ago, he was a heavy drinker at the time and going through a divorce, we were intimate all the time, he was not shy, always made the first move, he got sober Jan 1st and our sex life slowly faded and he said that he is just shy and always has been ( he was the same way in his 18yr relationship). So I took on the role of being the one to initiate sex and he wouldn’t turn me down really ever, but if I didn’t initiate it, it wouldn’t happen. He consistently watched porn over trying to be intimate with me. He swears up and down he is attracted to me and “thinks” about making moves but never acts on it. When I told him I know he watches porn and how it makes me feel he just denied it and started covering it up more and hiding it from me. Well now he is experiencing grief from the loss of his mother and says he doesn’t have any sexual desire at all, and I can understand that and respect that, however since I am the one that always has to be the one to ask for it how when I ever know if he is ready? The rejection hurts when he says no and I don’t want to bug him about it, but recently I notice that he is watching porn but still refusing my advances, what do I do? What does this mean? Is it normal to choose porn over me during grief or is it just me that he isn’t wanting sex from? I need physical touch andIntimacy so this has been a struggle for me. I am in fear it’s going to ruin our relationship and I don’t want that, he’s the absolute bestperson I’ve ever been with.
Wiseman2 Posted November 2, 2021 Posted November 2, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, Kandigumm said: , he got sober Jan 1st and our sex life slowly faded and he said that he is just shy and always has been Contact Al-Anon. It's a support group for people who are involved with alcoholics and can't break free. You need to end it. His iciness is not worth it. He'll have one excuse after the next to shut you out. Why deprive yourself of a decent partner and a happy relationship by staying with someone who won't be there for you? Replied in your identical thread. Edited November 2, 2021 by Wiseman2 2
JRabbit Posted November 2, 2021 Posted November 2, 2021 Sounds like he struggles with more than one addiction. Does he go to counselling at all? 1
smackie9 Posted November 2, 2021 Posted November 2, 2021 (edited) Time to jump ship hun. There's a reason why an 18 year marriage fell apart. Like the alcohol and now porn, dating you was just an escape from his problems. Edited November 2, 2021 by smackie9 1
ExpatInItaly Posted November 2, 2021 Posted November 2, 2021 This relationship isn't working, OP. I would stop trying to shove a square peg into a round hole, and bow out. It is likely not going to get better in the bedroom, I'm sorry to say. 1
glows Posted November 2, 2021 Posted November 2, 2021 13 hours ago, Kandigumm said: So my boyfriend and I started dating a year ago, he was a heavy drinker at the time and going through a divorce, we were intimate all the time, he was not shy, always made the first move, he got sober Jan 1st and our sex life slowly faded and he said that he is just shy and always has been ( he was the same way in his 18yr relationship). So I took on the role of being the one to initiate sex and he wouldn’t turn me down really ever, but if I didn’t initiate it, it wouldn’t happen. He consistently watched porn over trying to be intimate with me. He swears up and down he is attracted to me and “thinks” about making moves but never acts on it. When I told him I know he watches porn and how it makes me feel he just denied it and started covering it up more and hiding it from me. Well now he is experiencing grief from the loss of his mother and says he doesn’t have any sexual desire at all, and I can understand that and respect that, however since I am the one that always has to be the one to ask for it how when I ever know if he is ready? The rejection hurts when he says no and I don’t want to bug him about it, but recently I notice that he is watching porn but still refusing my advances, what do I do? What does this mean? Is it normal to choose porn over me during grief or is it just me that he isn’t wanting sex from? I need physical touch andIntimacy so this has been a struggle for me. I am in fear it’s going to ruin our relationship and I don’t want that, he’s the absolute bestperson I’ve ever been with. How do you know he isn't seeing someone else? Does he continue to receive support in sobriety? Does he go to meetings or attend a support group? You've pitted yourself against this porn issue but he was 1) going through a divorce and 2) battling alcoholism. Your relationship may have been an escape for some time from his other problems but it doesn't sound like he may have dealt with the fall out of his marriage or the alcohol addiction. It also crossed my mind whether being with you brought him right back to the state where he was in in his marriage. It doesn't seem like he had enough time to breathe after his previous relationship. I'm sorry that you are struggling. I think physical intimacy is vital in relationships.
Author Kandigumm Posted November 2, 2021 Author Posted November 2, 2021 (edited) They have been separated for over a year before me and the divorce finalized 2 months into us knowing eachother. He’s been sober for the majority of our relationship and handles it really well, no struggle, no desire to go back to it and same for her as well. He is 100% faithful and shows me love in every other way in our relationship, this is really the only struggle we have.he said even before her he was always shy about making advances and starting things so I really think this something he struggles with, I’m just worried that with his mom passing and this grief it’s going to completely deteriorate it for good. I don’t know for sure he his watching porn right now I just have a pretty good feeling. Edited November 2, 2021 by Kandigumm
elaine567 Posted November 2, 2021 Posted November 2, 2021 14 hours ago, Kandigumm said: I am in fear it’s going to ruin our relationship and I don’t want that, he’s the absolute bestperson I’ve ever been with. Well you must have been with some stinkers if this is the best. You can't "fix" him,. All his problems are well above anything you can do something about. He needs professional help and most importantly time... You are the rebound and he as distanced himself from you, preferring porn. Take the hint. 1
Foxhall Posted November 2, 2021 Posted November 2, 2021 14 hours ago, Kandigumm said: he doesn’t have any sexual desire this can be something of an issue for guys (from what I read not really perhaps for most of the guys on this forum!!), you know we just dont have it anymore, lose a bit of spark and desire, the porn obviously is his only way of feeling any sexual arousal so its a frustrating one for the both of you, I had a post here myself a while ago- just struggling with the whole sex drive thing, I think it has improved again- diet and fitness and getting enough sleep (though you dont want him sleeping), improvements in those areas can bring about a revival, try some alternative therapies, massage, acupuncture and so on. another friend of mine-he was a heavy drinker and he says now he can offer nothing in the bedroom, all that takes its toll on a mans system Im afraid, Hang in there be patient be supportive, encourage him to work on fitness and so on and he could be a new man in a few months. 1
Wiseman2 Posted November 3, 2021 Posted November 3, 2021 12 hours ago, Kandigumm said: , this is really the only struggle we have. Lack of sex/intimacy is a huge issue. Stop making excuses. If you have to walk on eggshells because it's one issue and downward spiral after the next, it's time to reflect. Perhaps you're asexual? Unavailable people choose other unavailable people. He's distant.
spiderowl Posted November 3, 2021 Posted November 3, 2021 It already is ruining your relationship. Why should you go without sex all the time because he would rather watch porn? You have every right to feel peeved and confused about this. I agree that as he is grieving he may not want sex for a while, but this problem of you feeling rejected was going on before he became bereaved. This guy has some sort of sexual problem. It may be he is only turned on by porn. Maybe he suffers from erection problems or premature ejaculation - you would know if that is the case. Whatever is happening with him, he is not initiating sex with you and you are feeling hurt and rejected. These kinds of problems don't usually get better unless the person who is doing the rejecting is willing to seek help for their problem. If they do not feel they have a problem, then you either need to accept that this is the way it is always going to be with this guy or leave and find someone who does seem attracted to you.
Veronica73 Posted November 6, 2021 Posted November 6, 2021 Move on. This isn’t going to work out. I’m sorry.
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