Moving in with partner and comments about his house

[IrinaM]

did I read correctly that he is committing fraud by not informing the gov't of his living situation, thereby receiving benefits beyond what he is entitled to? Between that and the fact that you have to keep your clothing on a table, I'm convinced this is a very low-quality man you've yoked yourself to. The issues run much deeper than his dilapidated home, the issue is your complete lack of self-worth. i really think a commitment to therapy would benefit you.

[Wiseman2]

It's ok to admit you made a mistake. Perhaps you thought you were moving into a lovely old english house that needed a few touchups, however it sounds squalid, rundown and toxic from decades of neglect.

Perhaps you expected marriage, european travel, a bunch of cottages to own and renovate, but instead you are more like a caretaker for someone dependant on narcotics.

It's ok to have a reality check and cut your losses. What he presented or what you envisioned seems diametrically opposed to the nightmare you are living.

[smackie9]

 

 To stay at home, collect money, and get contributions from you, what would be his motivation to work?

[introverted1]

12 hours ago, spiderowl said:

While most would want to avoid the risk of addiction to opioids, if someone is in serious, ongoing pain, it might be their only option.

I don't disagree with this.

BUT...  we don't know, and neither does OP, if it IS his only option. OP has said her bf refuses to have surgery and is not pursuing curative treatments. He needs to at least 1) get a second opinion and 2) see if there are new treatments that could help him since he last spoke with a doctor ~9 years ago.  New surgical methods are developed all the time; it is                possible that there are options today that didn't exist then.  He's 37 with a condition that is likely progressive.  It's in his (and her) best interest to seek alternatives or at least adjuncts now, before his pain can no longer be controlled by the opioids.

While this thread is not about his condition, per se, his condition will drive the relationship he has with OP.  His condition is what makes the house repairs daunting, his condition is what makes his financial situation poor, his condition is what will (without treatment) likely result in OP being his care-taker one day.

 

[Noproblem]

Why would someone leave the beautiful united states and go live in a disgusting unclean house where the ex of the lover died there.

are you kidding me, this house need to be sold and you can either rent a new house/apartment or buy a new apartment.

Just because you are not married doesn't mean you can't make demands! Also you shouldn't fix the house with your own money since it's not your house, any fight and you'll be kicked out! 

and I don't understand how COVID can stop you from marrying, how in the world, you can live together, you can move more 3,256 mi to be with someone and cross an ocean for them, but you can't get married? 

Why its' a tough conversation to have!

 

and I just learned that the op's boyfriend  is addicted to opioid, of course he won't seek surgical solution because Opioid and free benefits are so much more enjoyable!

I would advice you to leave and come back to the US, this guy will only bring you pain and you'll end up taking care of him in this same old rotten house.

 

Also, always marry up, never down, always be with someone that elevates you in life, not drags you down with them.

 

You are better off with a cute dog than this life. 

 

Edited November 6, 2021 by Noproblem

[Girl Fade Away]

 

 

1 hour ago, Noproblem said:

Why would someone leave the beautiful united states and go live in a disgusting unclean house where the ex of the lover died there.

Not to pile on but loneliness, lack of other options, OP's own admitted disability which limits opportunities to meet and date local men come to mind. .  A man halfway around the world reaches out on line, offers marriage so she uproots her life without ever seeing the dilapidated dump he lives in first.  And shocked when she finally sees and no offer or even discussing of marriage.. This goes on all the time on line.  It's sad. 

@DearingFraunot saying any of this to be hurtful..  But to an outsider looking in, it is very obvious what is happening.  I implore you to begin thinking with head instead of heart, and make arrangements to move back to US, hire a physical therapist or trainer, get in best shape of life, get healthy, physically,  emotionally.  Meet local men who have something of value to offer you deserve better. Remember your beautiful inside and out. 

 

 

Edited November 6, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[Girl Fade Away]

Edited November 6, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[DearingFrau]

58 minutes ago, Girl Fade Away said:

 

 

Not to pile on but loneliness, lack of other options, OP's own admitted disability which limits opportunities to meet and date local men come to mind. .  A man halfway around the world reaches out on line, offers marriage so she uproots her life without ever seeing the dilapidated dump he lives in first.  And shocked when she finally sees and no offer or even discussing of marriage.. This goes on all the time on line.  It's sad. 

@DearingFraunot saying any of this to be hurtful..  But to an outsider looking in, it is very obvious what is happening.  I implore you to begin thinking with head instead of heart, and make arrangements to move back to US, hire a physical therapist or trainer, get in best shape of life, get healthy, physically,  emotionally.  Meet local men who have something of value to offer you deserve better. Remember your beautiful inside and out. 

 

 

Hi - Just want to clarify that I demanded he clean up the house before I moved. He cleaned the mold, redid the bathroom, the hallways, and repainted the house. He made the effort when I DID demand to see it. There is no way I would have moved here without seeing the state of the place, especially after he did admit to the state of it. He knew I was right and he did what he could. 
 

I also would like to clarify that his ex is not dead. She moved out, and that was the last we heard or saw of her. She was not poisoned by the house, she was mentally ill with what was probably schizophrenia, as well as a genetic health issue that was very painful. She finally had to be committed to hospital and that was the end of them. He took care of her for what was probably a decade and then it was over.

I have no problem whatsoever getting a date, thanks very much. I could go out and find someone new but this is the man I want to be with. I do not want a discussion about my disability on this thread, it does not affect my life in that way. I am fortunate to be smart, funny, good looking, have a job, have my life together. Just because I am dating someone who is recovering from a bad place in his life right now doesn’t mean I throw him away. That is not what love is and not what life is about for me. At least right now, that’s not what I want to do.

I am waiting for life to return back to normal before marrying this man. I want to see him pick up his career, go back to the doctor for a proper visit and see what the deal is. I want him to meet my family and see what he thinks about spending more time in the states. If because of his medication situation he refuses then that will be a big red flag for me and then I will re-evaluate whether or not we are compatible for marriage. I am the one that does not want marriage right now.

Thank you for your concern and your comments. 

[Girl Fade Away]

31 minutes ago, DearingFrau said:

I am waiting for life to return back to normal before marrying this man. I want to see him pick up his career, go back to the doctor for a proper visit and see what the deal is. I want him to meet my family and see what he thinks about spending more time in the states. If because of his medication situation he refuses then that will be a big red flag for me and then I will re-evaluate whether or not we are compatible for marriage. I am the one that does not want marriage right now.

Excellent, I was happy to read this!  Sounds like a good plan, and wish you the best of luck.  Take good care. 

[Noproblem]

21 hours ago, DearingFrau said:

Hi - Just want to clarify that I demanded he clean up the house before I moved. He cleaned the mold, redid the bathroom, the hallways, and repainted the house. He made the effort when I DID demand to see it. There is no way I would have moved here without seeing the state of the place, especially after he did admit to the state of it. He knew I was right and he did what he could. 
 

I also would like to clarify that his ex is not dead. She moved out, and that was the last we heard or saw of her. She was not poisoned by the house, she was mentally ill with what was probably schizophrenia, as well as a genetic health issue that was very painful. She finally had to be committed to hospital and that was the end of them. He took care of her for what was probably a decade and then it was over.

I have no problem whatsoever getting a date, thanks very much. I could go out and find someone new but this is the man I want to be with. I do not want a discussion about my disability on this thread, it does not affect my life in that way. I am fortunate to be smart, funny, good looking, have a job, have my life together. Just because I am dating someone who is recovering from a bad place in his life right now doesn’t mean I throw him away. That is not what love is and not what life is about for me. At least right now, that’s not what I want to do.

I am waiting for life to return back to normal before marrying this man. I want to see him pick up his career, go back to the doctor for a proper visit and see what the deal is. I want him to meet my family and see what he thinks about spending more time in the states. If because of his medication situation he refuses then that will be a big red flag for me and then I will re-evaluate whether or not we are compatible for marriage. I am the one that does not want marriage right now.

Thank you for your concern and your comments. 

Well, him cleaning up his home is not a sacrifice on his end or anything special, people should always clean their home or live in a healthy environment. Yes you asked him to clean it up, but he should have cleaned it before you asking it; it's common sense! and it becomes more common sense if someone is coming over as a guest to your house! Not to mention how it's important to clean up a house if your wife/ significant other gonna come and live with you, that's the least someone's with a heart and respect should do, and yet you had to ask it. Oh big deal, he cleaned the house for you, is that your worth, he cleaned the house after you demanded for you so he is  the one and you can't abandon him now!

Secondly, yes, you are talking with your emotions and heart right now, nobody is asking you to throw him away, but at the same time, do you wanna take care of him for good, because if he is hooked on opioid and government, there is no coming out of it. If he is trying to change, then yeah that's amazing, but if he is not willing to change, this is what you'll live with for the rest of your life. It won't get better, it will only get worse! You'll be his care provider and  supporter, you'll spend your time cooped up inside that house, it will always rain and be cloudy and he'll use it as an excuse not to even walk outside with you. 

From my understanding he is stubborn, has inferiority complex, and he'll only make you try so hard until you change a tiny thing about him.

People don't change, they don't fix themselves just because we wish they change or ask them. They can act like they've changed, but they don't. Unless he wants to change himself, become healthier, get work, and better life, no matter how much you nag or request, or ask, he won't do it.

He is a stubborn guy and he'll always be stubborn. 

 

 

Edited November 7, 2021 by Noproblem