Moving in with partner and comments about his house

[Gaeta]

33 minutes ago, DearingFrau said:

His back pain is the main problem. He also doesn’t have feeling in his right leg and it drags. He can also get bad bouts of pain through which he needs to brace so he could get into an accident. Also, sitting in the car is painful for him and he needs assistance getting up and down so it’s not ideal. Lots of issues.

My goodness, my heart goes to him! I wish you had explained that earlier l wouldn't have been so hard on him. 

[introverted1]

23 hours ago, DearingFrau said:

I have chosen to stay with him and make it work, this is not a relationship I am looking to leave. I was looking for perspective on the house repairs. I realize it’s all related when you are disabled but there isn’t anything that can be done to give him back his mobility.

 

How do you possibly know this since you also say he's stopped seeing a doctor for his condition (which begs the question of how he is obtaining opioids).  New treatments/therapies/surgeries are constantly developed, and even switching doctors can yield different diagnoses or treatment plans.

It's all related:  the condition of the house, his unwillingness to hire others to do the things he can't, his inability to earn a real salary, his refusal to seek treatments for his back pain. And each of those things impacts the other. 

You've been pouring energy into this man ~2 years and money into his house for ~18 months.  What advice are you specifically looking for now? Whether to continue pouring money into his house?  Whether to press for marriage and to be on the deed? Something else?

[DearingFrau]

3 hours ago, introverted1 said:

What advice are you specifically looking for now? Whether to continue pouring money into his house?  Whether to press for marriage and to be on the deed? Something else?

I don’t know, just looking for some perspective on the situation to see if I’m being reasonable in what I am asking of him in regards to home repairs, mostly. And the larger discussion with unbiased opinions is helpful for me to sort out how I want to treat this relationship moving forward. I want to address some of my concerns but is it better to do it all now or to deal with the issues as they crop up? I do want to be with this man but I also don’t want to put too much pressure on him as a disabled person to become someone he is not. Although I honestly believe that he is capable of more than he is doing right now and he should own up to that and straighten out how he is going to support me and support a family and have a good future. Had I known he would be completely dependent on disability payments for several years due to the pandemic and his work disappearing and that he wouldn’t bounce back I don’t think I would have put myself in this situation. But I also don’t know how to bring it up in a sensitive way without him feeling like I am judging him for his disability. But, like I said up there, his brain works. So he is working on his online business every day and he is starting to become cash flow positive but only very barely so. I don’t know if it will come good for him but I am leaning towards letting that play out into 2022 and see where we’re at when Corona dies down.

Edited November 4, 2021 by DearingFrau

[introverted1]

2 minutes ago, DearingFrau said:

I don’t know, just looking for some perspective on the situation to see if I’m being reasonable in what I am asking of him in regards to home repairs, mostly. And the larger discussion with unbiased opinions is helpful for me to sort out how I want to treat this relationship moving forward.

Personally, I think you need to find out from his doctor what exactly the issue is. While there are risks with every surgery, I am wondering if he isn't overstating the risk of paralysis in order to continue being able to take the opioids. In fact, when you say this:

Quote

Would I love to hear this from a physician? Sure. But I would not be able to forgive myself if I forced him to an appointment and they took his medication away.

It sets off alarm bells for me. Because either a doctor has said that he needs opioids in order to manage his condition, in which case no one is going to take them away simply because he asks for an appointment in which to review treatment options, OR he has manipulated the system into prescribing the opioids and he is actually happy with the status quo.

Also, codeine with tylenol (or paracetamol, as it is called there) is still very much an opioid.  The paracetamol is an adjunct and in no way diminishes the fact that he is addicted to codeine, nor does it dilute the codeine. Never mind what the paracetamol is doing to his liver.  And yes, opioid use suppresses breathing.  There are many good reasons why opioid addiction is to be avoided.

As time goes on, he will need higher and higher doses of the codeine in order to reach the same level of pain control and there is no denying that the opioids make it difficult for one to function at full intellectual capacity.  And then there's the fact that taking opioids long term almost guarantees that he is or will become depressed. So everything conspires together to make for a situation that has only one direction:  into a downward spiral. I am not clear on why he isn't eager to find other solutions and even less clear why you want to take this on for yourself.

 

[DearingFrau]

1 minute ago, introverted1 said:

Personally, I think you need to find out from his doctor what exactly the issue is. While there are risks with every surgery, I am wondering if he isn't overstating the risk of paralysis in order to continue being able to take the opioids. In fact, when you say this:

It sets off alarm bells for me. Because either a doctor has said that he needs opioids in order to manage his condition, in which case no one is going to take them away simply because he asks for an appointment in which to review treatment options, OR he has manipulated the system into prescribing the opioids and he is actually happy with the status quo.

Also, codeine with tylenol (or paracetamol, as it is called there) is still very much an opioid.  The paracetamol is an adjunct and in no way diminishes the fact that he is addicted to codeine, nor does it dilute the codeine. Never mind what the paracetamol is doing to his liver.  And yes, opioid use suppresses breathing.  There are many good reasons why opioid addiction is to be avoided.

As time goes on, he will need higher and higher doses of the codeine in order to reach the same level of pain control and there is no denying that the opioids make it difficult for one to function at full intellectual capacity.  And then there's the fact that taking opioids long term almost guarantees that he is or will become depressed. So everything conspires together to make for a situation that has only one direction:  into a downward spiral. I am not clear on why he isn't eager to find other solutions and even less clear why you want to take this on for yourself.

 

Fair enough, its not something I want to take on. But this is the man I want to be with so am I supposed to just dump him because he has a medical condition? There is no way to know if alternative pain management will work unless we try, but he had been through other options in the past so am I supposed to call bullshit on every thing he says? He has been on these for 8-9 years now so I don’t think it’s fair to tell him he had to come off them as an ultimatum and endure pain just to satisfy my curiosity. Also they absolutely will take them away or try to cut them if they can here in the UK. People who need opioids to manage pain are all considered lazy and addicted and the NHS’s solution is to try and limit them from getting access to them because other people abuse them. If that is what he needs, it’s what he needs, yanno? 
 

I will be pursuing him going for a check up but I know it will cause a fight. The only ground I have to stand on is leaving him if he doesn’t make the effort, and he will take that as an unfair ultimatum because he cannot control how much pain he is in. It’s a sensitive subject because if he truly needs them then it’s cruel of me to put him through the ringer and judge him like that. 

Thank you for your concern and post - I do appreciate the advice.

[Wiseman2]

33 minutes ago, DearingFrau said:

straighten out how he is going to support me and support a family and have a good future. Had I known he would be completely dependent on disability payments for several years due to the pandemic and his work disappearing and that he wouldn’t bounce back I don’t think I would have put myself in this situation. 

It's not about beating him up for his health. However what you are describing is a bait-and-switch.  Did he make promises to marry you, support you and have a family with you before you moved there? 

It's also not about defending him as far as malingering or taking drugs to get high. Everyone knows how addictive opioids are and many people become dependent in the exactly this way. It starts out with a simple slipped disc and then they can't get off the opioids.

There have been many overdoes and lawsuits regarding this misuse and mismanagement. In the US the DEA tightly regulates schedule II drugs for this reason. Many physicians who run "pain clinics" have been prosecuted for creating this type of life destruction by over prescribing schedule II drugs including codeine and oxycodone.

 However this is simply to discuss your issue because his situation and the condition of his house, life, finances, etc. does affect you and whatever your initial expectations were when you agreed to move there.

Do not feel guilty leaving if you feel he misrepresented what things are like or will be like. If you took it upon yourself to assume he would be physically and financially fit enough to marry, support you and start a family with you then you have some reflecting to do.

Redecorating my be the least of your problems right now because even if you two can finance some renovations you are still faced with the larger situation of his health, general finances and the feasibility of marriage, family no less buying a bunch of properties and travelling, especially since you claim he can't drive or be in a car for longer periods and needs help with basic mobility.

 

Edited November 4, 2021 by Wiseman2

[DearingFrau]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's not about beating him up for his health. However what you are describing is a bait-and-switch.  Did he make promises to marry you, support you and have a family with you before you moved there? 

It's also not about defending him as far as malingering or taking drugs to get high. Everyone knows how addictive opioids are and many people become dependent in the exactly this way. It starts out with a simple slipped disc and then they can't get off the opioids.

There have been many overdoes and lawsuits regarding this misuse and mismanagement. In the US the DEA tightly regulates schedule II drugs for this reason. Many physicians who run "pain clinics" have been prosecuted for creating this type of life destruction by over prescribing schedule II drugs including codeine and oxycodone.

 However this is simply to discuss your issue because his situation and the condition of his house, life, finances, etc. does affect you and whatever your initial expectations were when you agreed to move there.

Do not feel guilty leaving if you feel he misrepresented what things are like or will be like. If you took it upon yourself to assume he would be physically and financially fit enough to marry, support you and start a family with you then you have some reflecting to do.

Redecorating my be the least of your problems right now because even if you two can finances some renovations you are still faced with the larger situation of his health, general finances and the feasibility of marriage, family no less buying a bunch of properties and travelling, especially since you claim he can't drive or be in a car for longer periods and need help with basic mobility.

 

Thank you, I appreciate your input. Just to clarify he doesn’t need help with basic mobility, it is just extremely painful for him to get in and out of a car that is too low for him and not practical for him to drive because his right leg has lost feeling and drags. Him being in the passenger seat for an hour or two is fine. He can certainly physically do it, it’s just that it’s hard to know when the pain will get bad.

I’m okay with doing limited travel - I just want to experience the UK and possibly visit some cities in Europe like Paris or Amsterdam and maybe some others. I do realize he is limited in what he can do so if he ends up hanging around a hotel while I go out and do other things or we just do light travel it’s certainly possible. It’s not a dealbreaker to me if he is in too much pain to manage it, it was just something we wanted to do soon-ish because we know he will get worse in the future.

[Lisa]

This thread has had a cleanup. 

 Please avoid conjecture about the OP's medical condition/medication use.  

Edited November 4, 2021 by Lisa

[balletomane]

48 minutes ago, DearingFrau said:

Also they absolutely will take them away or try to cut them if they can here in the UK. People who need opioids to manage pain are all considered lazy and addicted and the NHS’s solution is to try and limit them from getting access to them because other people abuse them. If that is what he needs, it’s what he needs, yanno? 

How do you know this is true? Do you have any in-depth experience of the NHS pain management services, or are you taking your partner's word for it?

I'm an NHS doctor who also happens to have disability that causes pain in my back (ankylosing spondylitis), and while there is stigma against addiction in many areas of the health service (as in society as a whole) it absolutely isn't true that a pain specialist would just stop prescribing necessary medication. They would however monitor the patient closely, because some pain medications can cause harm if used long-term. For this reason it's highly unlikely that any doctor would prescribe opioids on repeat without periodic reviews. The fact that your boyfriend hasn't been having review appointments does make me wonder if he's coming by these pills legitimately.

I'm not saying he's lying about his disability. It's entirely believable that he's in a lot of pain. What I am saying is that there are parts of this story that don't add up, and I think you are viewing it as somehow unkind on your end even to consider the inconsistencies. It's reasonable for you to think about the impact on yourself. He's a grown man and he's perfectly entitled to avoid doctors if he wants to, but that does raise questions about what else he's going to be inflexible on. He's coming across as a "my way or the highway" sort of person (unable to do certain things but refusing to have help, etc.) and no doubt he will always have a credible reason in his mind for insisting on keeping things this way. The question is, what is this avoidance going to mean for you and your life? Just because someone is disabled doesn't mean we have carte blanche to do whatever we want and our partners just have to suck it up.

Edited November 4, 2021 by balletomane

[introverted1]

You say you are 36.  How old is he? 

Does he want to live in this house for the rest of forever?  Do you?

Do either of you want children at some point in the future  Could the house accommodate such?

Since he is disabled and may/will become even more so as time goes by, is this house a house you could manage on your own?

Is your ultimate goal to marry this man (and, as a result, be added to the deed)?

 

 

Edited November 4, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Girl Fade Away]

1 hour ago, DearingFrau said:

But this is the man I want to be with so am I supposed to just dump him because he has a medical condition?

[ ] 

No, I don't think you should dump him.   But him not wanting to see a doctor for alternative pain management and treatment options including surgery that might help him recover and fighting with you when you suggest it are the words and actions of an addict.  I know a little about addiction and addicts will do and say anything including lie to loved ones and cheat the system to continue receiving their meds.  It's life or death to them.  And him being on them 8-9 years would suggest he is very much addicted to them.  I am not saying he is lying only something to be aware of.

I am curious where he gets these meds if not from a doctor?  No reputable doctor in my neck of the woods would ever prescribe opioids to patient for 8-9 years, it's unheard of.   As I advised earlier, I think it's time to have heart-to-heart with HIM.   If he intends to marry you and your other questions pertaining to the house.  And his refusal to see a doctor.  These are difficult questions to ask but they necessary.  You uprooted your entire life for him after all.   

As a side note, my mum took a fall the wrong way and suffered a herniated disc like your boyfriend.  She was in SEVERE pain in her lower back and legs.  She could not even move that is how bad the pain was.  She had surgery and it was successful, and she is now fully cured, no pain at all.

Good luck.

 

 

Edited November 4, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
referenced removed content

[DearingFrau]

5 minutes ago, balletomane said:

How do you know this is true? Do you have any in-depth experience of the NHS pain management services, or are you taking your partner's word for it?

I'm an NHS doctor who also happens to have disability that causes pain in my back (ankylosing spondylitis), and while there is stigma against addiction in many areas of the health service (as in society as a whole) it absolutely isn't true that a pain specialist would just stop prescribing necessary medication. They would however monitor the patient closely, because some pain medications can cause harm if used long-term. For this reason it's highly unlikely that any doctor would prescribe opioids on repeat without periodic reviews. The fact that your boyfriend hasn't been having review appointments does make me wonder if he's coming by these pills legitimately.

I'm not saying he's lying about his disability. It's entirely believable that he's in a lot of pain. What I am saying is that there are parts of this story that don't add up, and I think you are viewing it as somehow unkind on your end even to consider the inconsistencies. It's reasonable for you to think about the impact on yourself. He's a grown man and he's perfectly entitled to avoid doctors if he wants to, but that does raise questions about what else he's going to be inflexible on. He's coming across as a "my way or the highway" sort of person (unable to do certain things but refusing to have help, etc.) and no doubt he will always have a credible reason in his mind for insisting on keeping things this way. The question is, what is this avoidance going to mean for you and your life? Just because someone is disabled doesn't mean we have carte blanche to do whatever we want and our partners just have to suck it up.

Thank you for your input. I’m happy to have a doctor’s opinion on this. He has been on them for so long that neither his doctor nor him treats it as an acute issue. He explained it to me that it’s a permanent condition and will not get better so his doctor doesn’t feel the need to constantly review it since he gets fairly good results on his current dosage. It takes enough pain away for him to function on a basic level but it’s not the highest dose. He actually has two other regular prescriptions for stronger meds that he does not fill regularly. Only when he needs them. He is no longer doing routine visits with a neurologist or any specialists and says this is because this happened almost a decade ago and there isn’t anything more that can be done. Or he could be lying about that and he just does not want to go get a review.
 

But his doctor seems happy enough to approve them every two weeks. So you can see why it is difficult for me to have much say in it. I have asked him a lot of questions about it so it’s not for a lack of trying.

What would you suggest I do? Should I encourage him to go for some check ups? He really honestly believes someone will take those pills away just for the hell of it and I understand his fear.

 

[elaine567]

4 minutes ago, DearingFrau said:

He is no longer doing routine visits with a neurologist or any specialists and says this is because this happened almost a decade ago and there isn’t anything more that can be done.

He is probably right.
There indeed may be nothing more that can be done. not everything is curable or just gets  better and better.
For many with neurological conditions and intractable pain, painkillers are the be all and end all, there is nothing else. 
Regular neurology follow up then becomes a bit of a waste of time.

[DearingFrau]

1 hour ago, introverted1 said:

You say you are 36.  How old is he? 

Does he want to live in this house for the rest of forever?  Do you?

Do either of you want children at some point in the future  Could the house accommodate such?

Since he is disabled and may/will become even more so as time goes by, is this house a house you could manage on your own?

Is your ultimate goal to marry this man (and, as a result, be added to the deed)?

 

 

Thank you for your comments and questions. 
 

I am 36 and he is 37.

We want to either make the house comfortable and livable and live here forever, or save up to buy a nicer property in cash or get a small mortgage on something small but nice and rent out this place. We could also sell it and buy something else. Either way it will be beneficial to renovate it, and at least make it safe and comfy. We are waiting to see if our financial situation stabilizes after Covid is over and we both make our best attempts to get back to work in the way that we want to - he is working on developing an online business and I am also working online as a part time teacher and as a part time virtual executive assistant through a staffing company. Although if Corona allows me to rejoin the rest of society soon ish I wanted to open a teaching school nearby in town and my partner is also willing to help where he can with that.

Because we are both disabled we do not want kids so a “family” would be with dog children. We have a small dog and would love another but it’s hard and expensive to travel with them internationally so that might not happen. This house could accommodate maybe another small dog but I would not want another dog in this house in the state that it’s in. This is another point of contention in our conversations about the future because he wants another dog very badly but I am putting the breaks on it for now because it just complicates our situation too much. I have told him in the future we could when the timing is right if it suits our lifestyle.

I don’t know that I want the responsibility of this house. I’m iffy about it if I’m the one who has to bring it up to standard. I’m fine with maintaining but in my mind I lean towards wanting a more modern, comfortable place that I could just maintain as opposed to sink money into. I don’t know what other problems this property has until we get a surveyor in. However if it makes more financial sense to stay here and make it work I am open to that. It’s a bit early to make that decision which is why I am conflicted about how much I should really be contributing.

Thanks for your comments and perspective.

[chillii]

Less than any rent you'd be paying otherwise per yr plus bills. You can do a lot on a place with the equivalent but then you wouldn't actually be out of pocket anyway if you weren't living there. Don't forget , he's already put yrs and yrs of money into paying the place off. Depends on what the place is like though doesn't it , and what it can be turned into without being too much work and a money pit l guess too.  My place now it could be absolutely beautiful without too much spending but if they're too far gone yeah , a nicer place of the bat is the go to my mind.

But then there'll be repayments especially if he didn't sell that so yeah , it's all a way up isn;t it of pros and cons and costs. Sounds like you guys have got some great ideas anyway though so you'll get there one way or another.

Good luck.

Edited November 5, 2021 by chillii

[introverted1]

13 hours ago, DearingFrau said:

I don’t know that I want the responsibility of this house. I’m iffy about it if I’m the one who has to bring it up to standard. I’m fine with maintaining but in my mind I lean towards wanting a more modern, comfortable place that I could just maintain as opposed to sink money into. I don’t know what other problems this property has until we get a surveyor in. However if it makes more financial sense to stay here and make it work I am open to that. It’s a bit early to make that decision which is why I am conflicted about how much I should really be contributing.

Thanks for your comments and perspective.

I see.

You did not answer this question:

Quote

Is your ultimate goal to marry this man (and, as a result, be added to the deed)?

I'm not prying so I will just say that my take is:

If you are planning on making a life commitment to each other -- civil union, marriage, common-law, etc. -- then perhaps you should discuss what would be fair in terms of putting you on the deed, i.e., is there already equity in the house that you need to buy into or would future contributions toward renovation be enough. You'd want to engage an attorney for this, so you are in agreement about how proceeds would be split (if you sell), how inheritance would be handled, and so on.

If you are not planning to make a lifetime commitment to each other, then I think you should determine the fair market rental value of a the house (look at other properties of the same size, condition, etc.) and your contribution should limited to what your half of the rent would be. You would then share equally things like utilities, internet, food, etc.

By "planning," I mean a concrete plan, with dates and specifics, not a vague 'one day we hope to...'

Those are my thoughts.  YMMV.

Edited November 5, 2021 by introverted1
typo

[healing light]

Admittedly, I have not made it through this entire thread. I have only read your first post and a few of the replies, so apologies if this is redundant.

But, mold illness is a real thing, and even if it appears that you are getting away with living in these infested quarters for now, it is quite possible that you can face a whole host of problems that can follow you along for life if you continue to stay in these conditions. Perhaps this is even why the ex was so sick. Mold has to be removed professionally and even then a lot of professionals are not equipped to remove it adequately without the spores being unleashed into the air and causing more potential hazards. So just because the mold outwardly appears to be gone doesn't mean that it actually is a safe place to live.

So, with that being said, I would move out ASAP into a more habitable place, with or without him. I like the idea that someone mentioned that he can come to you until he is ready or able to flip the property. Knowing personally what mold illness can do, there is no way I would encourage you to spend another day in that place--aesthetics, finances, and power struggles aside.

[Girl Fade Away]

OP,  you mentioned you have a disability also, may I ask what your disability is?  If you do no want to disclose, I respect that.  But something to think about and I hope I am not out of line asking but given your disability and the possibility that your respective disabilities are what bond you together, are you afraid to confront him about seeing a doctor or getting a second opinion because you are afraid that new doctor WILL find a cure or a way to alleviate his pain without meds such that he is no longer disabled?   And if he is no longer disabled, he might no longer need you and end the relationship?

 

Edited November 5, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[DearingFrau]

17 minutes ago, Girl Fade Away said:

OP,  you mentioned you have a disability also, may I ask what your disability is?  If you do no want to disclose, I respect that.  But something to think about and I hope I am not out of line asking but given your disability and the possibility that your respective disabilities are what bond you together, are you afraid to confront him about seeing a doctor or getting a second opinion because you are afraid that new doctor WILL find a cure or a way to alleviate his pain without meds such that he is no longer disabled?   And if he is no longer disabled, he might no longer need you and end the relationship?

 

Hi and thanks for commenting, I appreciate your response. I’d rather not disclose, however I am very confident in walking away from this man if it turns out we cannot move forward. I would love for him to not be disabled as it would alleviate his pain which I hate to see him in. And then maybe he could even help take care of me  But as it stands right now I don’t need that kind of care. Before this I lived 9 years in Manhattan and Brooklyn on my own so I do not need this man in any sense except that I love him and he makes me happy. 

Yes, we do understand each other in a way that others don’t because we both have disabilities, but certainly not in a dependent way. I have compassion and understanding for him and his chronic pain, and I want to respect his limitations while encouraging him to live fully and well to the fullest extent. He understands when I can’t do something or when I need extra time Unfortunately he will not get better. His back is too messed up to get better from what he has told me. I will be following up with him on his medical problems, but I lived my life mostly single and am very comfortable being single if this turns out not to be the right relationship for me. I would hate to find out that he could have gotten well and just didn’t for whatever reason. It’s possible. That is why I am asking questions.

Thanks  

Edited November 5, 2021 by DearingFrau
Spelling

[DearingFrau]

2 hours ago, healing light said:

Admittedly, I have not made it through this entire thread. I have only read your first post and a few of the replies, so apologies if this is redundant.

But, mold illness is a real thing, and even if it appears that you are getting away with living in these infested quarters for now, it is quite possible that you can face a whole host of problems that can follow you along for life if you continue to stay in these conditions. Perhaps this is even why the ex was so sick. Mold has to be removed professionally and even then a lot of professionals are not equipped to remove it adequately without the spores being unleashed into the air and causing more potential hazards. So just because the mold outwardly appears to be gone doesn't mean that it actually is a safe place to live.

So, with that being said, I would move out ASAP into a more habitable place, with or without him. I like the idea that someone mentioned that he can come to you until he is ready or able to flip the property. Knowing personally what mold illness can do, there is no way I would encourage you to spend another day in that place--aesthetics, finances, and power struggles aside.

Thank you for your comment. He was able to get rid of the mold on the surface but I will see if he’s willing to get the place tested for remaining spores. I certainly don’t want to live with mold and that is why I refused to move in with him until he got rid of it. The walls are plaster and then brick so I don’t think it can hide very many places if he’s replastered. Will definitely follow up.

[spiderowl]

On 11/4/2021 at 12:34 AM, DearingFrau said:

For about 8 or 9 years. His back gave out and he had one surgery to fix the lower back, but opted out of the second to fix the neck because it was risky and could result in paralysis. 
 

He bought the house when he was 18 and he worked full time. It is a cheaper house in an ok part of town. Not dangerous, but not fancy. He bought what he could afford. I like it here. Lots of old but good properties - but they do need taking care of. He paid almost all in cash for it and then took a mortgage out for a small amount which he has paid off over the years. So his only expenses before he met me were bills. And he didn’t keep up with repairs on the house. When we were negotiating me moving here I said I need him to fix the basic things. They were: 1) get a new laundry machine. He was bringing it to his ma’s house and I said NO WAY can he continue that, nor am I doing it. 2) Get rid of all mold, most of it was in the bathroom. It’s very common to have mold problems in northern England but it was out of hand. 3) Do something about the floors in the hall and in the bathroom. 4) Hole in the ceiling in the bedroom needs fixing. 5) I need a dresser for my clothes. He fixed all of that but he financed it on credit cards which made me angry. I could have rented something nearby and he could have fixed things more slowly but he wanted me with him so he opted for the credit cards. I told him I am not helping him to pay those off since it was not a decision we made together. I did agree to move in and help with the rest of the house if he managed to fix those initial problems and that is where we are at right now. 

It sounds like he is doing things in response to what you expect of him.  That is fine in the short term but when you have had years of this type of behaviour, i.e. not taking the initiative to get things done or resolve problems, you will get fed up of it.  At the moment, you are are the driving force in this relationship.  Is that the kind of relationship you want?  People don't change.

[Girl Fade Away]

1 hour ago, DearingFrau said:

His back is too messed up to get better from what he has told me.

Yes, everything you know is from what he has told you.  Problem with that is like I posted previously addicts will *say anything*, tell their partners anything to continue getting their fix (the opioids).   Addicts lie that is a fact.    That is my fear for you, that you are believing everything he tells you not realizing that he could possibly be bamboozling you because he needs you there, to help with his disability, to work on fixing the house, your financial resources.   I advise you to research addiction, understand how it impacts relationships, if you haven't already.

Why hasn't he married you?  You uprooted your entire life, moved thousands of miles to live in dilapidated fixer upper with mold.  He discussed marriage before you moved, and now that you are there, no mention?   I find that questionable.   This is my gut reaction reading this thread and I am so sorry for being a downer but I really fear for you because I personally believe you are being taken for a ride.  

But it's your choice to believe everything he tells you, not confront him about seeing a reputable doctor or getting second opinion for fear it will start a fight and remain in this relationship.   All l can do is wish you luck and hope it works for you.

Edited November 5, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[spiderowl]

On 11/4/2021 at 8:52 PM, introverted1 said:

Personally, I think you need to find out from his doctor what exactly the issue is. While there are risks with every surgery, I am wondering if he isn't overstating the risk of paralysis in order to continue being able to take the opioids. In fact, when you say this:

It sets off alarm bells for me. Because either a doctor has said that he needs opioids in order to manage his condition, in which case no one is going to take them away simply because he asks for an appointment in which to review treatment options, OR he has manipulated the system into prescribing the opioids and he is actually happy with the status quo.

Also, codeine with tylenol (or paracetamol, as it is called there) is still very much an opioid.  The paracetamol is an adjunct and in no way diminishes the fact that he is addicted to codeine, nor does it dilute the codeine. Never mind what the paracetamol is doing to his liver.  And yes, opioid use suppresses breathing.  There are many good reasons why opioid addiction is to be avoided.

As time goes on, he will need higher and higher doses of the codeine in order to reach the same level of pain control and there is no denying that the opioids make it difficult for one to function at full intellectual capacity.  And then there's the fact that taking opioids long term almost guarantees that he is or will become depressed. So everything conspires together to make for a situation that has only one direction:  into a downward spiral. I am not clear on why he isn't eager to find other solutions and even less clear why you want to take this on for yourself.

 

While most would want to avoid the risk of addiction to opioids, if someone is in serious, ongoing pain, it might be their only option.  Governments in the US particularly and also here in the UK are trying to get people off opioids now, having let drug companies promote these drugs.  For some people, they won't be as necessary but for others they will be necessary.  If he needs them for pain, I can understand if he is fearful of having them withdrawn because some PC doctor decides he shouldn't be taking opiods but then hasn't got an effective replacement.

No, it is not ideal to be taking these drugs but we do not know what has happened to this guy's back or how much pain he is in.  I, for one, can understand his fears that the drug that helps might be taken away from him if he goes for any kind of review.  Hopefully, that wouldn't be the case, or a better alternative would be on offer, but who knows?  It does sound as if this guy is actually very disabled.  Being in regular or constant pain means that he is more likely to suffer from depression too so he is dealing with a lot.  As a result, the OP is dealing with a lot.  

[Girl Fade Away]

Worthy of note, it's been years since he received diagnosis, he's been on opioids for 9 years.  There have been so many medical advancements over the years, it is questionable that he refuses to even meet with doctor or specialist to discuss these advancements.   The fact that @DearingFrau fears even asking him to consider it, that the mere mention of it will upset him and cause a fight?  This isn't right.    Again I am sorry to be such a downer and I wish I could give more encouragement but something sounds terribly terribly off here.

Combined with no mention of marriage after promising it before you moved half way around the world to be with him is another big red flag.

Edited November 6, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[LynneVicious]

A poster above mentioned a good point about all of this being related... not being able to work on the house because of his disability, not being able to afford subcontractors because of his financial situation etc. 

The bottom line is that you can only control your actions. You may want him to put more effort into your relationship, the house, finances, but only he gets to choose whether he wants to or not. It’s out of your control. 

If you want children, at your age, you should seriously consider whether this is a situation that meets your needs. If it doesn’t, then you need to make some decisions. Whatever is best for you.