Moving in with partner and comments about his house

[glows]

Since you are certain this is where you should be, then I would enlist the help of friends or family to help with any projects/renos. By staying also realize that most of the burden of any project, endeavour, plan, goal now or in the future will be on you to forward and likely fund. He may be set in his ways also given that he was with his ex for some time and she manipulated him, according to him. You're asking about how to go about with repairs for the house or renovations possibly because you feel quite alone and isolated? That feeling might not change at all so best to start adjusting to it. This would be your role going forward. 

You seem like a generous person with a big heart. I hope he is deserving of that and also feels inspired by you to do better.

[Wiseman2]

24 minutes ago, DearingFrau said:

he is permanently physically disabled. so we can further our dreams of travel and owning a second property that is nicer than this one. 

There seems to be a lot missing from the story if he is that disabled but you two are planning on travelling and buying more properties, yet neither of you work.

[DearingFrau]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

There seems to be a lot missing from the story if he is that disabled but you two are planning on travelling and buying more properties, yet neither of you work.

I work. I am working two part time jobs and because I don’t pay rent here that is enough for us for right now.

We are shielding from Covid. Which means we cannot go out at all. I am immunocompromised. So we cannot go out and get “regular” jobs. 
 

He is working on an online business during this time, but once Covid had died down he said he is going to pursue a job. He used to be a freelance writer and made good money from that. Covid has shut all the papers down and his contacts are not looking for writers anymore so he is going to hopefully pivot toward marketing. Although if his online business pans out he may not have to do that.

He is disabled but very able to do some travel. If we go slow and do it on our terms, it is very possible.

The issue he has with a physical job is he can’t be on his feet and he also has severe bouts of pain where he can’t concentrate or needs to lie down very frequently and concentrate through it. It’s just not conducive to having a job with a boss and attendance and needs to be productive at all times, etc. It’s just not possible. This is why the NHS pays him disability. 
 

Travel and owning a better home are just things we hope to do in the future, not right now. If he begins working from home we could do it as we don’t have many expenses with a paid-for home.

 

[vla1120]

17 hours ago, DearingFrau said:

He told me that she would find reasons to prevent him from doing dishes or trying to clean and tidy because she liked to keep the house in chaos and to keep him focused on her at all times. Another reason to move out of this house eventually!

Okay. I get that he was traumatized by her, but like you said, she left two years before you became involved. He has to stop making excuses and step up. I understand wanting to stay with him and not having any of this be a dealbreaker for you. I also decided to stay with my husband, who also used his ex-wife as an excuse why he lost his business, why his life fell apart and he had to move to the U.S. (from Greece) when in reality, what I learned a good year into the marriage was that he was not someone who would ever take responsibility for his failures. It was always someone else's fault. Be wary.

Also, your initial question was how to handle the issue with the house renovation. I'll reiterate what I said, since you do not pay rent, you could come up with an arrangement that any money you would have used for rent will go toward renovations, or toward hiring someone to come and help with issues he cannot handle - like moving/disposing of heavy objects. That seems a fair tradeoff to me. Like you have said, I would not marry him, nor would I enter into any joint financial ventures with him, until you know more.

Also, he might be Irish and think therapy doesn't help the Irish. However, if you want a healthy relationship with this man, and you are not seeing him step up and take responsibility for himself and his future actions, then you need to press him to go to couples therapy. 

[JRabbit]

I'm not sure, but there are options these days. I know the scenario well, seen it before with someone  in my family, bad back pain, surgery only option etc. What difference would his life be if there were side effects from surgery? Would the change be that drastic?  I understand the fear though and respect that, but he needs to start exploring other options for pain management. 

Seriously. You can't live on Oxys or percocets or whatever he is taking.  They will slowly steal your soul.

I also wonder how he cared for his ex when he is too disabled to care for himself?

Edited November 3, 2021 by JRabbit

[Girl Fade Away]

On 11/1/2021 at 7:37 PM, DearingFrau said:

It just seems like he treats it as his house when it comes to these decisions, yet makes me feel bad for calling it “his house” and not “our house.” My overall feeling is that if he really wanted it to be our house, he’d propose to me and ask me if I really wanted to live here or buy something new together where I could have a say in our living conditions.

Am I being unreasonable?
How much money should I realistically put into his house until we’re married and I’m on the deed to it? 

Any other advice?

Hello @DearingFrau.  I just finished reading the thread and you have received many great opinions and advice.  You had a legitimate  explanation to most so seems like you have got everything figured out which is good.  My only advice in response to above quote is communicate to him about your concerns if you have not done so already.  That's all you can do short of moving back to the U.S. which you've made clear you do not want to do.  And no I do not think you are being unreasonable at all.  

You sound very loving, devoted and loyal, your boyfriend is very fortunately to have you.   As you have read, not many women would continue under such challenging circumstances so I give you much credit and I wish you both the best of luck.

Edited November 3, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[Girl Fade Away]

Forgot to mention, your boyfriend should be careful of the opioids.  They can wreak havoc on your digestive and gastrointestinal tract, a close friend of mine was taking them for many years she became addicted.  Her intestines eventually ruptured  and she had to have part of them surgically removed.   I know he is in chronic pain but there are alternative way to manage the pain without taking those drugs, they are very dangerous!  In addition to that, she nearly died from the severe withdrawal she experienced in getting off them.  I don't think they are meant to be taken forever, please encourage him to speak with doctors about alternative methods of managing the pain. Good luck.

Edited November 3, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[basil67]

5 hours ago, DearingFrau said:

Everything is affected by his disability. If you can’t walk, can’t hold down a traditional full time job, etc., it affects your whole life. I am the first one to say that I think he could be doing more, and always admit when I am wrong, but he is very disabled and it defines his life. There’s not much you can do if life deals you that hand. It’s not his fault. 

If he is so affected by his disability, it makes no sense for him to be taking on a renovation project of this scale.   I don't see how he could do the manual work, lifting, moving, power tools etc without causing himself more injury.  

[spiderowl]

It sounds a very complicated situation, OP.  You seem a very loving and caring person who has tried hard to help your boyfriend.

With regard to paying towards renovations, it seems entirely fair to pay a small amount towards them.  You are living rent free, but on the other hand the house was not in a good state and if you were paying rent you would not be having to do any work towards renovations.  Of course, you need to bear in mind that, unlike if you were married, you are not accumulating equity in this house.   You would just be paying something towards his house in lieu of rent.

I think you would be perfectly within your rights to insist that he accept (paid) help with some of the heavier jobs.  It makes no sense for him to be so disabled and at risk of further damage and then to refuse such help.  He is putting himself at risk (and your future).  I can see this is a confrontation you do not want - and it may not end well as it seems a real area of conflict - but what choice do you have but to challenge his stupid behaviour or walk away?

Having spent many days with a (now deceased) relative who had a serious back problem, I am aware what that can involve.  Opioids are usually a last resort for pain.  Has he considered any other options?  Is he willing to discuss this whole thing about pain relief and protecting himself from further harm?  For some people, opioids do have their place.  Another possibility is a TENS machine - this is something my relative found helpful, though he did later need opioids.  Your boyfriend could perhaps get a second opinion from a specialist.  He is entitled to ask for a second opinion, though getting one at the moment on the NHS might be difficult with the long waiting lists.  However, he needs to ask to get the ball rolling.  

It sounds like, for whatever reason, your boyfriend has not been maintaining his house.  It could be because of his physical limitations.  It could be because he was absorbed in trying to deal with his severely mentally ill ex.  It is hard for anyone to know what has truly gone on there.  What bothers me is that he did not tell you enough about his physical state and disability.  This is not fair on you.  He should have informed you so that you could make a reasoned decision as to whether you wanted to relocate.  I find his lack of honesty here reprehensible, given that you were sacrificing a nice home, friends and family, to come and be with him.  He had an obligation to be honest with you.  Think twice about getting married.

It is hard to keep mould at bay unless a house is well insulated and ventilated.  Looking at insulation and ventilation might be of benefit to you both, especially with winter round the corner.  If my experience is anything to go by, getting a tradesperson at the moment is extremely difficult.  They all seem to be booked up or (the current phrase I've heard a lot from tradespeople recently) 'crazy busy'.  However, you can only try and book if possible.

Oh, just by the by, it is rare for homes in the UK to have aircon.  It rarely gets warm enough here for long enough, so people tend to get a fan or something instead.  I think aircon is slowly becoming more popular but mostly in businesses rather than private homes.  

Good luck!  You have a lot on your plate.  I know you care about him but you have already taken on a role of carer with no idea how he wants this to progress.  I know couples often start out with very little but he has a good start if he has already purchased a home.  How did he manage to do that by the way?  It seems strange, given that he is disabled, especially with the cost of housing in the UK at the moment.

 

Edited November 3, 2021 by spiderowl

[DearingFrau]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

If he is so affected by his disability, it makes no sense for him to be taking on a renovation project of this scale.   I don't see how he could do the manual work, lifting, moving, power tools etc without causing himself more injury.  

Exactly. This is my problem. It falls to me to help him, and I’m living here too so I want to make it more comfortable. But he likes to try and DIY it himself, hurts himself, rinse and repeat. He doesn’t like to hire any tradespeople and doesn’t have a support system here with any men to call on for help. This is why I reached out for help and opinions on what to do. If I don’t help with renovations then this place will never get to a comfortable point. Etc.

[Girl Fade Away]

7 minutes ago, DearingFrau said:

Exactly. This is my problem. It falls to me to help him, and I’m living here too so I want to make it more comfortable. But he likes to try and DIY it himself, hurts himself, rinse and repeat. He doesn’t like to hire any tradespeople and doesn’t have a support system here with any men to call on for help. This is why I reached out for help and opinions on what to do. If I don’t help with renovations then this place will never get to a comfortable point. Etc.

It could be a pride thing too.  Some men have trouble asking for help, makes them feel "less than," or weak.  And being that he IS a bit "less than" physically due to his disability he is more prideful than ever.  I can understand that.   

[basil67]

12 minutes ago, DearingFrau said:

Exactly. This is my problem. It falls to me to help him, and I’m living here too so I want to make it more comfortable. But he likes to try and DIY it himself, hurts himself, rinse and repeat. He doesn’t like to hire any tradespeople and doesn’t have a support system here with any men to call on for help. This is why I reached out for help and opinions on what to do. If I don’t help with renovations then this place will never get to a comfortable point. Etc.

The only logical thing to do is sell the place as is and move to somewhere which doesn't need renovations.  

For what it's worth, I think it's totally reasonable to take a stance of "I love you.  But because I love you, I'm not going to stand by and watch you hurting yourself over a project which is unlikely to be finished in any reasonable amount of time"

My sister's ex-h used to want to do all his own jobs and refused to get help in.  So she had to live in an try to raise 3 kids with a half torn up bathroom, unfinished flooring, walls without gyprock and an oven which he couldn't fix but wouldn't pay anyone to do.   Honestly, the way we went about things just underscored his miserly attitude to life.   Full disclosure, if my posts feel like there's a degree of projection, you'd be right.   Short of a natural disaster or a quick renovation, nobody should have to live in a broken house. 

[balletomane]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

If he is so affected by his disability, it makes no sense for him to be taking on a renovation project of this scale.   I don't see how he could do the manual work, lifting, moving, power tools etc without causing himself more injury.  

I'm not sure what the OP means when she says he is getting disability, as there are two types of disability payment here in the UK, but I'm wondering why he hasn't used that money to at least partially renovate the house. One type of payment, called Employment Support Allowance, is for people who are too sick or disabled to work at all. Some people are on it for a temporary period, others indefinitely. The other type of payment, called Personal Independence Payment, is a smaller monthly amount that isn't connected to whether you can work or not but to whether your disability causes you extra challenges with everyday things. If you're physically unable to clean, hiring a cleaner is exactly the sort of thing that these payments are meant to cover. It doesn't make sense that he would live in that situation for 10 or 15 years with nothing changing. I would be cautious here, OP. I know you love him, but it seems as if he has an excuse or a justification for everything. There are thousands of severely disabled people up and down the land but I doubt you'd find many of them living in that state. Something isn't adding up here.

Some of the best relationship advice I was ever given is to ask myself whether I'm content with my partner as they are, or if I'm hoping for them to change in some way. If your boyfriend never got round to doing the things he promises, would you still be happy with him? If yes, then great, but if your happiness is built on the prospect of him doing things differently, be careful.

[Gaeta]

How long he's been on disability? 

How did he aquire this house?

[DearingFrau]

44 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

How long he's been on disability? 

How did he aquire this house?

For about 8 or 9 years. His back gave out and he had one surgery to fix the lower back, but opted out of the second to fix the neck because it was risky and could result in paralysis. 
 

He bought the house when he was 18 and he worked full time. It is a cheaper house in an ok part of town. Not dangerous, but not fancy. He bought what he could afford. I like it here. Lots of old but good properties - but they do need taking care of. He paid almost all in cash for it and then took a mortgage out for a small amount which he has paid off over the years. So his only expenses before he met me were bills. And he didn’t keep up with repairs on the house. When we were negotiating me moving here I said I need him to fix the basic things. They were: 1) get a new laundry machine. He was bringing it to his ma’s house and I said NO WAY can he continue that, nor am I doing it. 2) Get rid of all mold, most of it was in the bathroom. It’s very common to have mold problems in northern England but it was out of hand. 3) Do something about the floors in the hall and in the bathroom. 4) Hole in the ceiling in the bedroom needs fixing. 5) I need a dresser for my clothes. He fixed all of that but he financed it on credit cards which made me angry. I could have rented something nearby and he could have fixed things more slowly but he wanted me with him so he opted for the credit cards. I told him I am not helping him to pay those off since it was not a decision we made together. I did agree to move in and help with the rest of the house if he managed to fix those initial problems and that is where we are at right now. 

[Gaeta]

DearingFrau: 

What ever arrangement you have, put it in writing. Even if it's just a paper between you and him, it's better than nothing. If you are spending money on supplies, appliances, tools, keep all your receipts and documents. If your arrangement is you don't pay rent but you pay food and utilities, put that in writing as well. 

If ever you decide to move out, you don't know how he'll handle it. He could turn around and sue  you for 2-3-4 years of unpaid rent, and good luck debating in court you had a verbal agreement you were not paying rent but purchased power tools instead. 

Also, if EVER you marry, do not assume you are automatically becoming 50% owner of this house you've invested in. Here in Canada, and our laws are pretty similar to the UK, what we own before a marriage remains ours solely. Only what we purchase during the marriage is considered a shared property. 

Edited November 4, 2021 by Gaeta

[DearingFrau]

9 hours ago, Gaeta said:

DearingFrau: 

What ever arrangement you have, put it in writing. Even if it's just a paper between you and him, it's better than nothing. If you are spending money on supplies, appliances, tools, keep all your receipts and documents. If your arrangement is you don't pay rent but you pay food and utilities, put that in writing as well. 

If ever you decide to move out, you don't know how he'll handle it. He could turn around and sue  you for 2-3-4 years of unpaid rent, and good luck debating in court you had a verbal agreement you were not paying rent but purchased power tools instead. 

Also, if EVER you marry, do not assume you are automatically becoming 50% owner of this house you've invested in. Here in Canada, and our laws are pretty similar to the UK, what we own before a marriage remains ours solely. Only what we purchase during the marriage is considered a shared property. 

It is slightly different in the UK if your name is put on the deed to the house. There are a few things I will stipulate need to happen before I marry him. The house must be comfortable enough to live, or we sell it and buy something else that is more comfortable. His alternative will be to work and pay for the repairs and also keep working to further our dreams in life (or if they are only my dreams and he has been putting me on then that will be a separate discussion as he’s been on board with dreams for the future), have friends outside of me, repair family ties so we have more of a support network. I do feel alone here and wholly dependent on him and that’s shitty for him to do to me and to make me feel that pressure. I also want him to get a check up on his back and I want to be present for it and hear and see what is going on.

I realize asking him to do these things will probably break apart the relationship so I may involve a therapist for those confrontations and see how he handles them. That will tell me if this is a man I can marry. I doubt he will be able to make these changes quickly so we’re talking about Covid lasting another year or two, maybe into 2023, and then another two years of dating or engagement for him to actually make some decisions and sustain them long enough for me to be okay with moving to the next stage. We’re talking probably 2025 before I will set a date. While we were dating getting him to admit he needs change and actually taking action was very difficult and he only took action after I had the fight with him about the state of his apartment. He has never fully owned up to his role in that, and has never admitted he was wrong in turning it back on me and saying I was hurting him and being unreasonable to care so much about his house when I’m supposed to love him. We had plenty of other issues trying to manage long distance and it definitely brought out the worst in us. So I’m hoping I’ve seen and heard it all.

So I am completely aware of any pitfalls and I’m taking things very cautiously. 
 

Regarding back rent, that won’t happen because he was supposed to tell the local council I am here and living with him but he hasn’t done so because they will reduce his benefits - I don’t know why but that is what will happen. There are very strict council rules here. They are like local town regulations, and they keep tabs on who lives with you, and it affects any aid you get from them. So to take any legal course of action would expose that as a low level crime and he would have to pay the council back all the benefits he had received from the government since the date he claimed back rent from. So I am not worried about that. He will probably be more worried if I were to threaten him with some kind of legal action on all the supplies and things I’ve put into the house because that would also expose him. Plus, he doesn’t seem like the kind of person to do that but I have thought about what I would do in that situation.
 

Thank you for your reply, and advice.

[Wiseman2]

Is he pathologically cheap? What was up with bringing laundry to his mom's? Also it seems like he doesn't mind living in squalor and is making you feel guilty for trying to make it habitable.

Aren't there laws about habitability there? Holes in floors and roofs?  Toxic mold? How can you live that way?

Rent your own place. You're going to get sick or injured doing this project.

[DearingFrau]

6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Is he pathologically cheap? What was up with bringing laundry to his mom's? Also it seems like he doesn't mind living in squalor and is making you feel guilty for trying to make it habitable.

Aren't there laws about habitability there? Holes in floors and roofs?  Toxic mold? How can you live that way?

Rent your own place. You're going to get sick or injured doing this project.

I’m sure there are laws about habitability but I am not his tenant and we have no lease agreement. If I wanted to break up with him and make the argument that he was my landlord and try to substantiate that in court it would be very hard to prove that we had a landlord tenant agreement. He is the sole owner of the house so I don’t know what other avenue I’d have as far as recourse for the condition of it.

He brought his laundry to his moms house before I made the move. His washer dryer was busted. But when I complained about it he went out and financed a new one on a credit card. He financed all the stuff I complained about and got it done but I also think he sold some of his precious jewelry his aunt gave him as a safety net if he ever needed money. He might have used that to buy plane tickets, actually. I didn’t want to get into the how and why of the jewelry with him. 
 

Like I said above, he fixed most of it. Now it’s just renovations to have more space and make the place comfortable. The mold is gone, most of the hazards have been repaired. It’s now stuff like having a closet, having space to work, replacing carpets that are kicking up lint.  The bathroom and kitchen are in the worst shape but they aren’t a toxic hazard. It’s just not a very nice or comfortable house to live in. Maybe in my 20’s I wouldn’t care. But at 36 and having to give up a nice comfy home and come to the UK and have to deal with this is difficult. 

Although I do take your point. Thank you.

[Gaeta]

If l found mold in my home to the extent you've described l would call professionals to remove it and l'd make sure the mold is not running in walls. 

I've read the list of things you require before marrying him and it's irrealistic, you want him to change into a whole different man, that confirms you cannot continue a relationship as he is now.

About the house, he's not gonna sign half the deed to you just like that, This paid-off  house has a value and if you want to own it then you purchase your half off of him.  

Edited November 4, 2021 by Gaeta

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, DearingFrau said:

at 36 and having to give up a nice comfy home and come to the UK and have to deal with this is difficult. 

He appears to have chronic financial issues. Sounds like you crash-landed into a nightmare but overinvested so much that you're afraid to cut your losses.  [ ]

Edited November 4, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
doesn't address first post

[ASG]

On 11/4/2021 at 5:11 AM, Wiseman2 said:

There seems to be a lot missing from the story if he is that disabled but you two are planning on travelling and buying more properties, yet neither of you work.

Being disabled does mean you're dead. You can be disabled and travel, and even own property! [ ] And he seems to have an online business. That, in my book, is work. It may not be full time work, and we don't know how much said business yields, but it's work, none the less. 

[ ] 

Edited November 4, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed response to hidden content/sarcastic comment

[DearingFrau]

[ ] 

 I want to see change when Corona is over and we can both resume our normal lives. Yes, I am expecting a change. Only because he sold me on that version of reality when we were dating and I also know he is capable of it and wants it. If he doesn’t at least show he is capable of it and makes small steps I will rethink the relationship. 
 

To be fair he does know his neighbors. They are just all old ladies who can’t help him with physical labor. He’s known his next door neighbor Rose since he moved in 20 years ago. He always says hi to her and chats with her. And they will look out for each other. There’s a few ladies down the block he lets on to as well, they have kids and the kids like to pet our dog when he goes on walks. But just no real men that can carry heavy stuff. He’s not completely antisocial. He doesn’t drive so it has been hard for him to keep up friendships. To go out into town he needs a good pain day and then has to walk everywhere. Very difficult. 
 

He does have friends who he whatsApps with but many are from London and other places in the UK that are quite a ways away.

I still feel like he needs some closer friends and would like to see him make that effort now that he had recovered from his relationship with his ex. 

Edited November 4, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed response to hidden content

[Gaeta]

8 minutes ago, DearingFrau said:

 be fair he does know his neighbors. They are just all old ladies who can’t help him with physical labor. He’s known his next door neighbor Rose since he moved in 20 years ago. He always says hi to her and chats with her. And they will look out for each other. There’s a few ladies down the block he lets on to as well, they have kids and the kids like to pet our dog when he goes on 

I'm very glad to hear that! It soften the image l had of him.

Why he doesn't drive?

[DearingFrau]

1 minute ago, Gaeta said:

I'm very glad to hear that! It soften the image l had of him.

Why he doesn't drive?

His back pain is the main problem. He also doesn’t have feeling in his right leg and it drags. He can also get bad bouts of pain through which he needs to brace so he could get into an accident. Also, sitting in the car is painful for him and he needs assistance getting up and down so it’s not ideal. Lots of issues.