Moving in with partner and comments about his house

[DearingFrau]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

I assure you I am not arguing just for the sake of arguing but as someone looking from outside I see a lot of red flag. 

First why renovate a house on credit cards? credit cards have high interest rates, mortgages loans have very very low interest rate at this time. 

How long ago his ex died? Did she live her last days in those unsanitary conditions. 

Again, he lives in constant pain you say but he manages to renovate himself?

Of course - I appreciate your insight. Just trying to give you the answers to your questions.

I was not happy that he put the bathroom and hallway renovations on credit cards. He knows I’m very much against debt. He didn’t tell me until I moved here. There are a lot of things that are easy to hide until you live together. He was never intentionally deceiving about it, he was just embarrassed to come out and say that’s what he did. Because he probably knew that if he left the place as it was I would have turned right back around and walked out.

His ex didn’t die, she was taken to be an inpatient at a mental institution. She had a mental illness apparently. He doesn’t like discussing her but he cared for her for over 10 years in this house. She was a manipulative and strange person. 7 months after I moved here we got a phone call from an outpatient living facility saying authorities were looking for her. She set fire to her apartment and they eventually found her sitting in a park and she went to jail. I’ve verified some of this story with a few of his family members but nobody likes talking about her. We are both worried she’ll show up at the door someday. She was abusive to him in a number of ways, and this is where a lot of his issues come from.

We heard a knock at the door at 3am one morning and had this feeling like it was her.  I ask him why he doesn’t care about what happened to her since he took care of her for so long and he says because in the end she was abusive and her mental illness progressed to the point that she was in a state of psychosis all the time. She also made accusations against him that weren’t true and he just didn’t want to be in any contact with her whatsoever. He told me that she would find reasons to prevent him from doing dishes or trying to clean and tidy because she liked to keep the house in chaos and to keep him focused on her at all times. Another reason to move out of this house eventually! Such a messed up situation.
 

Again, didn’t know a lot of it before we moved in together. Not the ideal baggage for someone to have, and definitely made me cautious about moving here and living in this house with him. He’s Irish so he likes to say he doesn’t need therapy because it doesn’t work on the Irish but I sometimes wonder why he didn’t at least try to get help to move on. I suspect this is why the house stayed in disrepair after she left. A combination of lack of finances and psychologically being used to the house being in that state. I think she left in 2018, so it was 2 years when I moved in in 2020.

Edited November 3, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
disrespectful term

[chillii]

People keep missing very big points. Like he got rid of mold before you came, he's starting an online business, you haven't killed ea other locked up and while renovating, which alone says volumes considering marriages broke down all over the place during Covid it was ridiculous.

He owns the house- soooo, when the renos are done you will "never" have a mortgage, ever, you still love ea other even after being locked in together , huge and for the first time. Your living there free, and will forever if you stay. So so what if you put a few k into helping with renos,how much rent/mortgage and bills would you be paying somewhere else ? and forever not just a yr or two.  As for renovating lots of people live in a house renovating , so what , we are ourselves now, l know dozens of people myself that have.

And about 50 other things l can't be bothered with but as l said earlier, if you love ea other and still plan on marrying, all this is only temporary and the house stuff will all improve it has a heap already. The relationship is what's important and if there's a future you might even both rebuy later anyway, who knows. But who'd expect a new partner to throw your name on a house and basically give away half the house his owned 20yrs , after only 12mths or whatever it is , that'll sort in time.

Just a couple of little huge points there , but as l say , to me it's all about the relationship itself and how your both feeling. BC you wouldn't do all this for just anyone.

Edited November 3, 2021 by chillii

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, DearingFrau said:

. Plus living with the constant pain he lives with… I’m not sure if it is fair to expect him to work

Is he physically dependent on opioids?  There seems to be a lot more going on than a DIY project.

Neither of you seem willing to work real full time jobs.  Don't waste money on couple's therapy. 

The issues seem to be financial and crash landing into a too much too soon situation of living together.

[ASG]

10 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I assure you I am not arguing just for the sake of arguing but as someone looking from outside I see a lot of red flag. 

First why renovate a house on credit cards? credit cards have high interest rates, mortgages loans have very very low interest rate at this time. 

How long ago his ex died? Did she live her last days in those unsanitary conditions. 

Again, he lives in constant pain you say but he manages to renovate himself?

Actually, in the UK, getting 0% interest credit cards is fairly common. 

I'm on my 4th! As soon as the interest free rate finishes, I get another one. It's good for the old credit score too, particularly if you never miss a payment. 

I have no idea if this is what the OPs partner did, but it wouldn't be uncommon. Some friends of mine renovated their place on CCs using either low or 0 interest rates. 

 

As for the pain... Again, it doesn't mean he's laid up all day! A friend of mine lives in constant pain and sometimes can barely get out of bed, but she also goes to work (for a supermarket, not in an office) and does renovations in her place! They take time, as she can't do much at once, but things eventually get done. 

 

 

[DearingFrau]

3 hours ago, chillii said:

People keep missing very big points. Like he got rid of mold before you came, he's starting an online business, you haven't killed ea other locked up and while renovating, which alone says volumes considering marriages broke down all over..

 BC you wouldn't do all this for just anyone.

It’s true. We love each other and are very happy together.  This is really the only issue I am having right now with our lifestyle and I’m hoping once we sort out the house that it’s only temporary. 
 

Thanks for your comment.

[DearingFrau]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Is he physically dependent on opioids?  There seems to be a lot more going on than a DIY project.

Neither of you seem willing to work real full time jobs.  Don't waste money on couple's therapy. 

The issues seem to be financial and crash landing into a too much too soon situation of living together.

A lot of the issue is financial, yes. I am working two part time jobs online because I cannot go out until Covid is over which now seems like it will be end of 2022 or longer. But between not having a mortgage or rent, that is a healthy income for me. I’m able to buy what we need and save a lot. This comes back to my original question of… he doesn’t want me to pay tradespeople to do things around the house and always takes the hard way around. Whereas I am perfectly fine giving someone £100 to get a treadmill down the stairs and over to the dump. He is used to constantly worrying about money. It seems that has always been his way of life.

As for his disability, yes he does take opioids. He is on a high dose of them and it is a progressive issue with his back with risk of further injury. Which means someday he might end up in a wheelchair or in the hospital having a surgery where he could lose function of his legs. He needed a second surgery years ago but didn’t have it because there was a high risk of paralysis from the neck down. So he is living with a host of problems. Yes, he can physically do things when he’s feeling good but those days are few and far between. Most of the time he is in a lot of pain.  The next step up from his current meds will be the last place he can go to get meds that will touch it, so we are also going to be looking into CBD oil in the future if we can afford it to see if it helps.

I’ve never known or lived with someone with these problems so I don’t know if I should be more insistent on him getting a work from home job like me, or getting back into his old industry. He says he’d rather work for his online business and work for himself. And he does get up and work on his laptop all day sometimes on it so I know he is serious about it. But at least with that when he can’t move or can’t think because of the pain, he can put it away. You can’t always do that when you work from home. 

Thanks for your comments and insight. It’s helpful for me to have an outside perspective on what is going on.

[chillii]

30 minutes ago, DearingFrau said:

It’s true. We love each other and are very happy together.  This is really the only issue I am having right now with our lifestyle and I’m hoping once we sort out the house that it’s only temporary. 
 

Thanks for your comment.

 

Ahhh , that's nice to hear good for you l'm happy for ya.  And yep,it's not forever and you guys might even rebuy later anyway if your not happy there.

 

 

 

Edited November 3, 2021 by chillii

[DearingFrau]

1 minute ago, chillii said:

 

Ahhh , that's nice to hear good for you l'm happy for ya.  And yep,it's not forever and you guys might even rebuy later anyway if your not happy there.

 

 

 

We have decided to do one of two things - save up to mortgage a new home nearby and rent this place out for income, or sell this place and pay cash for a new home here in the UK.

We’ve also considered buying a home in New York or Connecticut as there are places we could probably afford about 5 hours outside of the metro area, and spend summers there to give me more time with my family. But that would be more difficult financially and he’d have to go through the Visa process which is pretty extensive. 
 

I don’t see how we can move back to the states without him having some kind of income to contribute because I don’t think I can afford a house myself there being self-employed part time. Here in the UK it really works.

 

[Gaeta]

Concerning the threadmill, doesn't he have brothers, cousins, neighbors, he could call upon to help him with this?

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, DearingFrau said:

yes he does take opioids. He is on a high dose of them and it is a progressive issue with his back with risk of further injury.

  Unfortunately you are in for a rough road ahead and a very conflicted difficult life. Why you chose this is unknown.

[DearingFrau]

18 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Concerning the threadmill, doesn't he have brothers, cousins, neighbors, he could call upon to help him with this?

He doesn’t, unfortunately. He doesn’t have a large family and he doesn’t go out with friends anymore so he doesn’t think he could call anyone. He is not friendly with neighbors that could help. Most are little old ladies. There is a removal place on the corner but then the argument starts that he doesn’t want those people in the house dinging up the walls. A catch 22… so difficult. Even if he had brothers it’d be pulling teeth trying to get him to let them come and help. He doesn’t leave us with much choice. And then it’s like… oh my back. Cant do any more.  I wonder if he likes playing the martyr sometimes, or if he’s just that stubborn that he’d rather hurt himself than make a little more money working and pay to get things done. 

[DearingFrau]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

  Unfortunately you are in for a rough road ahead and a very conflicted difficult life. Why you chose this is unknown.

To be fair I didn’t know the extent of it while we were dating. But it’s kind of shitty to just dump someone you love because they have a disability that affects their life. 

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, DearingFrau said:

 I didn’t know the extent of it while we were dating. 

It's not about that. You need to ask yourself how honest things were prior to your moving there and what you are signing up for.  Dating is not social work or being a cleanup crew or renovation and construction crew or nursing job or housekeeping or any of that. 

[vla1120]

Since you do not pay rent to live with him. I don't see anything wrong with sitting down with him and making an agreement that you are going to pay for certain things to help with the renovation, including paying for someone to come in and remove the treadmill, etc. Even though you haven't talked marriage in awhile, you are still living together and sharing a life. While you are there, this is your home, too, and he needs to acknowledge that fact. If you WERE paying rent, he would have an obligation to make it a livable space for you. 

The fact that he is on a high dose of opioids is concerning. He's pretty young. Is there a chance he could undergo some surgery and/or physical therapy to help his condition so he will not have to be on such a high level of opioids for the rest of his life? If I were him, I would not want to be dependent upon disability. I would want to make my own money and feel like I had more control over my own destiny than to rely on disability because it severely limits his possibilities for the future. 

It seems like there is a lot of baggage to overcome, especially considering his wife is still in the picture. Are they divorced? (Did I miss that?) If not, he's not available to marry right now anyways, right?. Even if they are divorced, you never know when she will darken your doorstep, so you need to be prepared for that possibility, too. How did the two of you meet? How long were you talking before you made the move over there?

[Gaeta]

26 minutes ago, DearingFrau said:

To be fair I didn’t know the extent of it while we were dating. But it’s kind of shitty to just dump someone you love because they have a disability that affects their life. 

Love is never enough.

If you decide to go back home it will not be viewed as a failure or viewed as you abandonning him. It will be viewed as a woman who knows to leave a bad situation for herself. Don't be one of those woman * but l love him*.

This man has a *dead end* to offer you. And now we're learning he has no network, no friends, cut his bridges with family, estranged to his neighbors, an on heavy drugs.

I'm not seeing what you see in him. What makes him a good compagnon for you? What your family think of your situation?  

 

 

Edited November 3, 2021 by Gaeta

[DearingFrau]

1 hour ago, vla1120 said:

Since you do not pay rent to live with him. I don't see anything wrong with sitting down with him and making an agreement that you are going to pay for certain things to help with the renovation, including paying for someone to come in and remove the treadmill, etc. Even though you haven't talked marriage in awhile, you are still living together and sharing a life. While you are there, this is your home, too, and he needs to acknowledge that fact. If you WERE paying rent, he would have an obligation to make it a livable space for you. 

The fact that he is on a high dose of opioids is concerning. He's pretty young. Is there a chance he could undergo some surgery and/or physical therapy to help his condition so he will not have to be on such a high level of opioids for the rest of his life? If I were him, I would not want to be dependent upon disability. I would want to make my own money and feel like I had more control over my own destiny than to rely on disability because it severely limits his possibilities for the future. 

It seems like there is a lot of baggage to overcome, especially considering his wife is still in the picture. Are they divorced? (Did I miss that?) If not, he's not available to marry right now anyways, right?. Even if they are divorced, you never know when she will darken your doorstep, so you need to be prepared for that possibility, too. How did the two of you meet? How long were you talking before you made the move over there?

I’ve asked all of these questions about his health and he doesn’t go for regular check up visits about his back anymore since it had been so long. This injury happened many years ago.. maybe 8 years?

He stopped trying to fix it when they said the only other course of action is a very risky surgery on his neck that could leave him paralyzed. There is no medical alternative and this is not a situation where he’s just being lazy and not doing anything about it. We are looking into CBD oil to take the edge off.

I don’t think it’s fair to say he’s not worthy of someone to love him just because he has this disability. Yes I may become a caregiver in the future but we can deal with that when the time comes. 
 

He does want to work but on his terms. I understand that given his physical condition. I will be on top of him about earning money once the pandemic passes. I think of this time that we must shield as a transition time. We have goals and I think he’ll want to get back to making more and being more independent in the future. Trust me I have thought about this stuff and this is why I’m 100% okay taking it slow and not getting married right away. 
 

We met on a dating site in summer of 2019. We visited back and forth until summer of 2020 when Corona got bad. We decided we’d rather be together in the UK then risk not being able to see each other for a year or more. It would have decimated the relationship.

We’ve been living together since then, so I’ve been here about a year and a half now.

He was not married to his ex. They just lived together. Yes she may show up someday. I don’t really care. We’ll deal with it. I’m hoping we’ll be living somewhere else by then.

Thanks for your helpful comments.

 

Edited November 3, 2021 by DearingFrau

[glows]

16 hours ago, DearingFrau said:

I sometimes get frustrated with him because he could work from home like I do while his online business gets going but he is content getting disability and living off of that and nothing more. Part of the source of our arguments stems from this.

I think part of me expected him to eventually find work again, but now that he hasn’t I have to face that reality. I have considered therapy for the two of us to come together on this issue since he gets very sensitive and defensive when I confront him about it, but I also have to be understanding about his condition.

This part is worrying as it could breed more resentment. You have failed expectations and different ideas from each other. He is defensive. Couples therapy was brought up.. and you are not even married. From what I'm seeing it's not necessarily the house, the mold, the finances, the work or no work full time or disability. It's his attitude or outlook on life that is very different from yours. I think there needs to be some strong similarities there for a partnership to last. 

[vla1120]

5 minutes ago, DearingFrau said:

He stopped trying to fix it when they said the only other course of action is a very risky surgery on his neck that could leave him paralyzed. There is no medical alternative and this is not a situation where he’s just being lazy and not doing anything about it. We are looking into CBD oil to take the edge off.

I don’t think it’s fair to say he’s not worthy of someone to love him just because he has this disability. Yes I may become a caregiver in the future but we can deal with that when the time comes. 

He does want to work but on his terms. I understand that given his physical condition. I will be on top of him about earning money once the pandemic passes. I think of this time that we must shield as a transition time. We have goals and I think he’ll want to get back to making more and being more independent in the future. Trust me I have thought about this stuff and this is why I’m 100% okay taking it slow and not getting married right away. 

 

I completely understand that. I wouldn't want to take the risk of permanent paralysis. I also agree that everyone is worthy of love, regardless of their physical condition. I married someone with stage III cancer, knowing I would eventually be his caretaker through the end of his life. It is a selfless, caring thing to go into a relationship knowing you'll be a caretaker. 

There are so many jobs he can do from home at a computer, he does not have to be at the mercy of disability. Hopefully, he will find something when things start getting back to normal - something that will not require physical exertion or even traveling outside the home. 

I am glad he was not married to his ex. That makes things much easier for you, though she still may show up on your doorstep and make a nuisance of herself. Having dealt with her for as long as he did probably had an adverse affect on him too. Hopefully, he's been able to speak to someone to help him overcome that time in his life.

[Gaeta]

13 minutes ago, DearingFrau said:

I don’t think it’s fair to say he’s not worthy of someone to love him just because he has this disability. 

It's not about his disability.

You seem to use this to excuse all of his short comings that have nothing to do with his disability.

 

[DearingFrau]

2 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

It's not about his disability.

You seem to use this to excuse all of his short comings that have nothing to do with his disability.

 

Everything is affected by his disability. If you can’t walk, can’t hold down a traditional full time job, etc., it affects your whole life. I am the first one to say that I think he could be doing more, and always admit when I am wrong, but he is very disabled and it defines his life. There’s not much you can do if life deals you that hand. It’s not his fault. 
 

I appreciate your comments. Thank you.

[Gaeta]

I forgot to add, do not marry this man without doing a financial background check on him. What you're describing to us is what you see, imagine what you don't see.

What l'm seeing is a hermit set in his ways, that cut all his bridges,  that is anti-social. You are going to become this man ONLY person. That will be extremely toxic. 

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I forgot to add, do not marry this man without doing a financial background check on him.

Agree. Also you could make a ton of money anywhere plus room/board if all you want is to be a live-in nursing assistant, housekeeper, etc. 

Check ads in the UK and in the US for live-in full time help. Often at least you'll have your own room, perhaps use of a car, and best of all a real salary and time off.

You are wishing and hoping that things change 200% . That he gets miraculously better on weed oil, that he isn't really hooked on opioids, that this dilapidated place will be sold, that this dilapidated place will be yours, that you'll be happily married, that he'll jump out of the wheelchair after using weed oil and start hauling treadmills down stairs, etc.

That's ok. You're not married yet so take your time, assess and reassess until you find out where your happiness is. You may be confused or disillusioned right now but it's not irreversible.

[JRabbit]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

  Unfortunately you are in for a rough road ahead and a very conflicted difficult life. Why you chose this is unknown.

yes agreed...do NOT ignore the opioids. Destroyed a few people I know lives..including family. All were users because of pain too.  Seriously, they lose their effect and they become more and more dependent and the person you know will disappear.  Does he have a long term plan to get off these?

[balletomane]

On 11/2/2021 at 4:39 PM, ASG said:

The OP is not paying any rent or bills. I'd say it's fair to pay an amount that would more or less cover that. So, lets imagine that the cost of renting a room where she is is around the £500 mark, plus bills on top, that would be another £100 or so... But she's paying for food for the both of them, so let's say she invests £500 in the house each month.

I live in the north of England. Before I bought my house, I rented a very nice cottage with a garden for £450 a month. Before that I had a small but equally nice flat in the city centre for £475. Both were in good condition, and if I told the letting agent about any issues with the plumbing or electricity, they would repair them the next day. The OP isn't getting any of that, and I suspect that in paying for her partner's food she's more than covering the value of her lodgings. That house sounds dire. She's lucky she hasn't plummeted through a rotten floor board.

OP, his house is not in that condition because his ex was sick. It's in that condition because for whatever reason he can't motivate himself to clean and tidy. Him interpreting your unwillingness to live in filth as you being unloving would make me question anything he tells you about his ex. Perhaps she contributed to their problems, but if not wanting mould on the walls is enough to make him doubt your affection, I doubt she had to do much to earn the toxic label from him.

How much time did you both spend together before you moved in? Was this a predominantly online relationship?

[DearingFrau]

55 minutes ago, JRabbit said:

yes agreed...do NOT ignore the opioids. Destroyed a few people I know lives..including family. All were users because of pain too.  Seriously, they lose their effect and they become more and more dependent and the person you know will disappear.  Does he have a long term plan to get off these?

No. From what he tells me his back is just messed up and there is no other alternative but to try surgery on his neck which would paralyze him. I don’t really know what to believe, you know? I have asked about medical stuff up the wazoo and he has a justifiable answer for everything.

How would he get off them if he’s disabled permanently?

I don’t like it any more than the next person but he is permanently physically disabled.
 

I have chosen to stay with him and make it work, this is not a relationship I am looking to leave. I was looking for perspective on the house repairs. I realize it’s all related when you are disabled but there isn’t anything that can be done to give him back his mobility.

This doesn’t prevent him from doing some work, as he did work in the past and said if it ever came down to it he’d find a full time office job but I don’t know if I believe he could do it in his physical state. He can work online from home and as I mentioned before, I will want him to find this kind of work in the future so we can further our dreams of travel and owning a second property that is nicer than this one. I will not be marrying him if he cannot contribute something to our lives. His brain works. Yanno? It will come to a head when we are able to go out and resume our regular lives.

 

Edited November 3, 2021 by DearingFrau