Moving in with partner and comments about his house

[DearingFrau]

Hi all - would appreciate some perspectives on this. I moved from the US to the UK during Covid to be with my partner. Before the move he told me his house wasn’t in great shape and that he hadn’t really taken care of it much in the 10-15 years prior to me moving in. He was taking care of a very sick ex at the time who was very sick and also very toxic. So I told him I understood and that if I were to move to him I’d keep that in mind. I figured how bad could it really be.

Fast forward to the months before I moved, and I caught a glimpse of his bathroom on a video call and it had mold all over it, and was in complete disrepair. I understand that places in the north of the UK have frequent mold issues but it looked like nobody had tried to at least clean it off in a decade. I started to wonder what kind of place it was and what I was walking into. It caused a big fight where he basically thought I cared too much about the house and felt like I didn’t love him. Obviously this wasn’t the case, and I told him so. He was very insecure at the time. He cleaned things up for me before I moved over and I thanked him for making the effort. I should say at this point that I come from a very different background than him. He considers himself low or working class and I come from a middle to upper middle class family from the Tri-State area in New York. I don’t expect his house to be immaculate, but the lack of basic upkeep was worrying. But since he made the effort to clean it up I decided to make the move and pursue the relationship. 
 

I’ve now been living here with him for a year and a half and while the mold is gone, the house is not in great shape. So I am helping him fix it up as we go, lending a hand. The issue I’m facing now is how much money do I spend helping him with the house? He’s not charging me any rent and refuses to let me help him pay the bills. So I try to contribute by buying things we need like replacing a kitchen appliance, paying for groceries, and more recently paying for things to renovate the house. He wants me to feel like this is also my house and takes offense when I make a comment about how it’s not my house so it’s his decision how he wants to rewire the electricity or repair the roof. But he is very particular and doesn’t really listen or want to have my input when working on a project. I understand that that it probably isn’t the kindest thing to say “it’s not my house, so do it the way that you want,” but in my opinion, this is the truth of the situation. My name is not on the house and we are not married so any money I put into the house is not building any equity for me. I want to get married and I think he wants to too, but Covid has forced us to put the breaks on those conversations.  However, if we do get married like we want to, this house will then also be in my name. Although…. That also means that it’s problems also become my problems.
 

There are so many projects and major renovations that need to happen to make it more livable and I feel weird about it. Just to give an idea of what I’m talking about… there’s a hole in our bathroom floor and we have no flooring just old wood boards that need to be covered. He has thrown old cut up pieces of linoleum over the areas we need to walk in. The kitchen sink needs replacing and leaks, the drawers don’t work and one the face has fallen off. The floor needs to be replaced. The front of the house has a bay window that needs re-roofing. The whole house needs re-wiring to get all the lights working properly. We just started trying to fix the bathroom and we are redoing the family room on the second floor which involved cleaning mold off the walls and scraping layers of peeling wallpaper from the 80’s off.  The house is old and doesn’t have modern heating or air conditioning. I spent all summer helping him clean his garden of mold and help him repair the walls and repaint them just so I could have an outdoor space to get some air while quarantining (we live in a city so it’s an attached rowhouse). There is no storage and no room for any of my stuff. It’s all sitting in boxes in New York because we have no space to put it. My clothes are in piles on a table, so we had to start renovating the family room to hopefully put in some wardrobes. All of his stuff is in boxes on the 3rd floor, no room for my stuff.

it’s just not a very comfortable place to live and I haven’t complained and have tried to help him with it. The house is paid off so we have no mortgage which is why it’s a good situation for us, financially, but I think he doesn’t realize sometimes that I left a very comfortable life in the US to be with him.  His attitude is basically.. toughen up. But I’ve lived in some pretty s*** places in my life in my 20’s and now I’m 36 and don’t want to have to do that anymore. But I don’t like bringing it up because I don’t like making him feel like I don’t want to be with him or that I’m judging him for the way he lived before I came here. It does make it hard to have these conversations.

Anyway today we were talking about how to get some old furniture and treadmill downstairs. We can’t handle the weight ourselves so I suggested we get a man with a van to come up and take them down. He doesn’t want to do it because it will cost money. He’d rather take everything apart and then drag the pieces to the dumpster. I told him I don’t mind covering it. He is disabled and has very severe back pain issues and always over exerts himself to save money. So I insisted we consider the movers. He argued back and basically doesn’t want to consider any help. So I pointed out that he always wants to do it the hard way and I’m concerned that one day he’ll really hurt himself. His back issue will be progressive throughout his life and will only get worse. And that he sometimes has to be okay with me helping. And the only way I can really help in these situations is to pay for helpers. But he hates having people in the house because they could ding the walls or drop something and damage the floor. So that’s basically not an option. I said well I don’t mind taking the risk. He insists he will not allow it. So I make the comment “well I guess it’s your house so do what you want.” And then he gets upset that I say that. I come back with.. well if it’s both our houses I should at least get to decide some things like this and I’d rather take the risk and then repair a dinged wall then spend days trying to saw a treadmill in half and then going up and down with the pieces.

It just seems like he treats it as his house when it comes to these decisions, yet makes me feel bad for calling it “his house” and not “our house.” My overall feeling is that if he really wanted it to be our house, he’d propose to me and ask me if I really wanted to live here or buy something new together where I could have a say in our living conditions.

Am I being unreasonable?
How much money should I realistically put into his house until we’re married and I’m on the deed to it? 

Any other advice?

Thanks everyone.

Edited November 2, 2021 by DearingFrau
Autocorrect

[glows]

You both may have bitten off more than you can chew. I think it's unfair to move to someone's house and show in some way that it's not up to par. And he was unreasonable for concealing his living conditions for so long. It's that risk taken not dating locally or dating someone or seeing that person on a regular basis and how they live. Your feelings are genuine and I can see that you want to be with this man but the way he lives and the way you live are very different. Did you both talk about marriage? Is that something that he's open to? Why let the living situation overtake your relationship?

Is moving out an option and finding your own place within close proximity to each other, dating as couples usually do? Let things progress a bit more naturally.

[chillii]

Would you like the house and area and living there if the house was fixed up or just no? lf not would he consider selling and buying another place together? How are you getting along mostly are you still in love , do you still want your life to be with ea other ?

As far as what you fork out , well your living there free , so anything less than whatever it'd cost you to live somewhere else and your ahead right ! Food , well l suppose you eat too so if you wanna be stingy you could add his food into whatever else too and if your still ahead then your ahead. lf so then your not really paying for his renovations your just paying your way. and getting out of it cheap.

Edited November 2, 2021 by chillii

[ajequals]

I feel you should not put any money in the house. as it's not yours legally you could break up tomorrow and you out. I know you love him but I sense you like me concerning the living conditions Maybe it's the culture but this house should have been taken care of all along regardless, It sound like a real mess. it would be condemned in the US . I guess I am wondering why you want to settle for this?

[chillii]

Yeah but like l said just on money wise if she's living there free anyway then it depnds. lf you pay rent your just paying of the landlords property , same thing.

Edited November 2, 2021 by chillii

[Wiseman2]

Unless you are married and your name is on the deed, you should only pay the equivalent of room and board (rent bills,etc.) 

If you are not married and your name is not on the deed do not invest any money or energy into it.

Even if the accommodation is substandard and infested with mold filth, etc.  you will never recover your money, time, energy, etc.

Let him hire and pay for appropriate cleaning and repair services.

You didn't move there to be a clean up and repair crew, so stop doing that.

Consider moving back home. You seem unhappy and incompatible.

 

[FMW]

My living environment has a lot to do with my comfort and mental peace.  No matter how much I loved someone, I wouldn't be happy in a situation like you describe.

I agree with you that if he wants you to consider it your home, you should have input.  I would also personally need to be contributing in an equal/fair amount for it to feel like my home.  As long as your contributions aren't more than what you would be paying for rent somewhere else, you're not losing financially.  Of course you might feel like you were getting more for your money in a place with which you were happier.

I know it's not the point of your thread, but why is COVID keeping you from getting married?  You could always have a celebration with family and friends later if that's the holdup.  If you're sure about marrying, it would provide legal protections for your contributions to your shared home, wherever that might be.

[basil67]

5 hours ago, DearingFrau said:

Hi all - would appreciate some perspectives on this. I moved from the US to the UK during Covid to be with my partner. Before the move he told me his house wasn’t in great shape and that he hadn’t really taken care of it much in the 10-15 years prior to me moving in.

DearingFrau, if I was to take a guess that you were a people pleaser who hated making waves, would I be right?

In all honesty, this would be an absolute deal breaker for me. I would accept living with him in a second premises while he fixed this place to either flip or live in when it was habitable.   But no way would I live in a house which was unsafe and unsanitary and without heating for a UK winter.  

For what it's worth, I would fall out of love with someone who thought it was OK to bring me to live with him in squalor.   And I bet that if you hadn't said anything, the mold would still be on the walls.  No matter how sick his ex was, I don't believe for a moment that the house got into a completely unlivable state because of his caring duties.  I'd go even further and wonder if the ex being 'toxic' was related to the state of the house.  Was she really toxic?  Or was she infuriated by how they were living?

Why doesn't he sell it so that you can both live somewhere nice together and put this behind you? 

 

 

[salparadise]

Sounds like he's stuck psychologically. He knows what needs to be done but then has opposing thoughts that neutralize any plan of action. Even if you were to get married, that doesn't automatically mean you'll be on the deed as half owner of his property (unless UK law is very different). Since he owns it prior to marriage, it's his exclusively and not marital property. 

If I were you, assuming you're able financially, I'd buy another place nearby so you can live comfortably. Let him visit you. Then if/when it's time for marriage you'll have a place to live and he can sell the old house and move in. How you handle the deed and mortgage is up to you; you could become partners in the new house, or you could continue to own it exclusively as he does the older house currently.

If I were you I'd give up on that old house and invest your money into something that has value and will build equity. I also think that at some point this situation will erode the relationship. I'd sidestep the whole thing and move forward. If he refuses to cooperate, well, then you've got another quandary to consider.

[Wiseman2]

You're correct. It's not your house. Sadly you're incompatible but it took moving there and moving in to find out

Cut your losses. He's using the "our house" BS to rope you into cheap labor. Stop immediately.

Go back to NY. You'll be much happier investing in yourself than in this dilapidated place that's not even yours.

Cut your losses.

[JRabbit]

It would be different if he was investing himself into the house...but under no circumstance should you be investing in the house.  that would be foolish. If you really want to make it work, maybe tell him you will get your own place elsewhere so you can live how you want and he can live how he wants.

[JRabbit]

4 hours ago, basil67 said:

No matter how sick his ex was, I don't believe for a moment that the house got into a completely unlivable state because of his caring duties.  I'd go even further and wonder if the ex being 'toxic' was related to the state of the house.  Was she really toxic?  Or was she infuriated by how they were living?

Yeah, or sick from the actual mold??

[smackie9]

So this is gonna break your relationship up you know that right? Renos, and the need to do renos, splits couples up, because of the stress and the financial burden. This will not get any better. IMO he has one choice...sell the place downsize to something that doesn't need fixing. If he doesn't want that, then it's time to cut your losses now before you put in another penny into that place.

[Crazelnut]

There is no way I'd live in such a place, regardless of how much I loved him. This man and you are not compatible, full stop. Allowing a house to get and STAY in such a condition is a sign of mental problems, not preoccupation with a sick partner (who has been gone for how long now?). And his reluctance to be proactive about it will not change. Nor will his reluctance to spend money. Nor will his convenient side-shifting (it's YOUR house too, unless your opinion differs from his). 

My advice: get out of the relationship now. If you won't do that, at least get your own place. His house will eventually cause you physical and mental harm.

How can you guys live in such squalor? Jeez oh flip!

ETA: Also, do not spend one more penny on this man. You might as well flush your money down the toilet. If the toilet even works!

Edited November 2, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[ASG]

4 hours ago, Crazelnut said:

 

ETA: Also, do not spend one more penny on this man. You might as well flush your money down the toilet. If the toilet even works!

The OP is not paying any rent or bills. I'd say it's fair to pay an amount that would more or less cover that. So, lets imagine that the cost of renting a room where she is is around the £500 mark, plus bills on top, that would be another £100 or so... But she's paying for food for the both of them, so let's say she invests £500 in the house each month. 

I'd say that's fair. 

 

However, I would not be able to live there and it would be an absolute deal breaker for me. 

Edited November 2, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Sun Seeker]

How did you move without getting married, do you have another citizenship, not just US?

You moved a year and a half ago, are you working?

As you are not married (not sure why you say Covid stopped that), and your name is not on the house, you should not be putting any money into the renovations. Assuming you are working, you should at least be covering half of all bills and other expenses. Anything more is your choice. You should be deciding things together, if you plan to be together long term.

Although I'm not sure how you are even able to stay there with the condition it's in, for so long. If he doesn't want to spend some money to fix things so you can both be comfortable then better to move out/move back to the US.

[Gaeta]

20 hours ago, DearingFrau said:

Am I being unreasonable?

Thanks everyone.

You are not being unreasonable but you are being a fool.  What did you get yourself into? 

You uprooted yourself, moved across the ocean, left everything behind for a man that cannot work, will never work, is on a fix dissability check for the rest of his life, has you live in a house that will slowly give you cancer! Mold is very dangerous you know that right? At the level you've explained it's in the air and you breath it each day. So there you are living in a dump that cost him nothing and you pay his food and his repair. 

It's time to go back home, this CANNOT be the life you wanted for yourself. 

On a different note, there are plenty of contractors that will buy old beaten down houses. He could sell it and start new with you BUT I would be very afraid to do it with him, again, he has no income to maintain a house how is he going to maintain a new one. He could also mortgage that house and have it repaired but I guess he can't afford making a loan payment? 

Like I said what did you get yourself into. 

Time to come back home. 

[Gaeta]

6 hours ago, ASG said:

 £500 mark, plus bills on top, that would be another £100 or so... But she's paying for food for the both of them, so let's say she invests £500 in the house each month. 

I would not pay a cent to live in a dump filled with mold, where there are holes in the bathroom floors, where my clothes are piled up on a table cause I don't even have a closet or a dresser to put my things away. 

[DearingFrau]

6 hours ago, ASG said:

The OP is not paying any rent or bills. I'd say it's fair to pay an amount that would more or less cover that. So, lets imagine that the cost of renting a room where she is is around the £500 mark, plus bills on top, that would be another £100 or so... But she's paying for food for the both of them, so let's say she invests £500 in the house each month. 

I'd say that's fair. 

 

However, I would not be able to live there and it would be an absolute deal breaker for me. 

Just to reiterate what I said in my original post, he has taken care of the mold and he also repainted, redid the hallway floor, got a new bathroom suite and tiled a wall in the bathroom, etc. He made the effort when he knew I was definitely coming. It’s questionable how he lived before, but considering he is disabled he did a lot of work already to make it habitable. It’s definitely live-able now, it’s just not very comfortable living on top of each other and living in a constant state of renovation. I chose this because he doesn’t ask me for money for rent or bills (I offer every month and he won’t accept it). So instead of complaining about his place and doing nothing about it I figured helping with renovating it could be my way to contribute. I like these kind of projects, plus it will make the house more comfortable. We’re almost done with the family room which will be an office for me where I’ll have some personal space, a desk, a music and art space, etc. And the other half of the room we’re turning into wardrobe space and storage space. Yes, I am putting money into his place and don’t know if I’ll get married and it will eventually become “mine,” but considering I have no expenses - as opposed to NYC metro area where rents are ridiculous - I’ve decided up until now that this is worth it. But I really wanted to see what everyone here thought.

To answer the question about citizenship, although I am a US citizen, I have dual Irish citizenship which gives me permanent rights to live and work in the UK (for life). He can’t stay in the US for more than 6 months, so him moving to be with me is so much more complicated. And because he owns a paid-for house here in the UK, despite it’s issues, it made more sense for us to live here.

He talked about marriage a lot before we lived together and now that I’m here he doesn’t really mention it. I think he realized that we did fast forward things for me to move here and live with him and that I needed some breathing room to adjust. Either that or his parents said something to him like… you need to back off, she made a huge leap moving to you. I haven’t seen my family in a year and a half and that is hard. We are both immunocompromised and are shielding until Covid is over. It’s very hard to get a sense of real life quarantined in this house together and so we haven’t forgotten about getting married but I think we both realized that we need to get through this weird period and get back to real life before we make that commitment.
 

For example, we both could not work during the pandemic because we had to shield. I found some work from home stuff part time, and we both started online businesses. But I’d love to be able to explore my new city (I’ve only been out to get my vaccines and for two dentist appointments), find a job in person, figure out what I have to work with here financially, etc. And he has been trying to work on his business online to see what our income is so we can plan for the future.

I sometimes get frustrated with him because he could work from home like I do while his online business gets going but he is content getting disability and living off of that and nothing more. Part of the source of our arguments stems from this. He deals with a lot of physical pain so I don’t know if I’m expecting too much to ask him to get a “regular” job or at least find some remote work. But he is happy working at his own pace.. this is what I signed up for when I decided to pursue a relationship with this man. In the past he has worked, but I’ve only known him during Covid when he was not working. I think part of me expected him to eventually find work again, but now that he hasn’t I have to face that reality. I have considered therapy for the two of us to come together on this issue since he gets very sensitive and defensive when I confront him about it, but I also have to be understanding about his condition. He had concealed how much pain he is in on a daily basis when we were dating but now that I live with him, it’s obvious how badly his disability affects him. I try to put myself in his shoes when we’re taking about the house and the future and finance. But I definitely needed a reality check and appreciate the opinions.

One more thing is he has owned the house for 20 years so it’s hard for him to up and sell it now when we’re not yet married.

Edited November 2, 2021 by DearingFrau
Fluidity

[Gaeta]

7 minutes ago, DearingFrau said:

but he is content getting disability and living off of that and nothing more.

You're only 36 years old. That attitude does not turn you off? 

Also he's on disability but he was able to renovate bathroom and hallway? now working on a family room and office. I'm scratching my head. How old is he?

[jspice]

Whatever love you feel will go out the window fast. 
I was almost in a similar situation because I let “love” blind me to the realities of life. 
The penny pinching, the not working, the filthy dilapidated home… these are here to stay. 
 

At this stage of your life you don’t have to take a fixer upper ( Man or House)

 

[DearingFrau]

14 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

You're only 36 years old. That attitude does not turn you off? 

Also he's on disability but he was able to renovate bathroom and hallway? now working on a family room and office. I'm scratching my head. How old is he?

He is 37. In my original post I explained that he financed those initial renovations to make the house habitable because I was coming to live with him. He put them all on a credit card which he is slowly paying back. He does have an income from disability that allows him to slowly do things.

I also explained in my original post that I have been helping him with small renovation costs as we DIY things. Not having to pay rent or bills, I do this not to help him but mostly because I want to make the house more habitable and more comfortable for myself. He is starting to realize that the way he used to live was not acceptable but also he is insistent that it was because he was caring for his extremely sick ex that he let it fall to such disrepair. It must have been hard for him on a limited income to do much and to provide for her because she didn’t work.

His attitude to work  does turn me off but in all other respects he is a wonderful man and we do love each other. Plus living with the constant pain he lives with… I’m not sure if it is fair to expect him to work a full time or part time job. From home, it’s more tenable.. which is why he started an online business.

Edited November 2, 2021 by DearingFrau

[ASG]

30 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I would not pay a cent to live in a dump filled with mold, where there are holes in the bathroom floors, where my clothes are piled up on a table cause I don't even have a closet or a dresser to put my things away. 

We're all different people. 

The OP is willing to pay for renovations to have a better living situation, bearing in mind she is not paying any bills or rent. To me, it makes sense. 

Could I do it, personally? Probably not! But I'm not the OP. 

[Gaeta]

6 minutes ago, DearingFrau said:

He is 37. In my original post I explained that he financed those initial renovations to make the house habitable because I was coming to live with him. He put them all on a credit card which he is slowly paying back. He does have an income from disability that allows him to slowly do things.

I also explained in my original post that I have been helping him with small renovation costs as we DIY things. Not having to pay rent or bills, I do this not to help him but mostly because I want to make the house more habitable and more comfortable for myself. He is starting to realize that the way he used to live was not acceptable but also he is insistent that it was because he was caring for his extremely sick ex that he let it fall to such disrepair. It must have been hard for him on a limited income to do much and to provide for her because she didn’t work.

His attitude to work  does turn me off but in all other respects he is a wonderful man and we do love each other. Plus living with the constant pain he lives with… I’m not sure if it is fair to expect him to work a full time or part time job. From home, it’s more tenable.. which is why he started an online business.

I assure you I am not arguing just for the sake of arguing but as someone looking from outside I see a lot of red flag. 

First why renovate a house on credit cards? credit cards have high interest rates, mortgages loans have very very low interest rate at this time. 

How long ago his ex died? Did she live her last days in those unsanitary conditions. 

Again, he lives in constant pain you say but he manages to renovate himself?

[FMW]

@DearingFrau, it's clear you are attached and committed to staying with him.  You're not being unreasonable at all.  But you have to deal with him where he is - and apparently he's very resistant to making any further changes.

You can try to gently motivate him to find ways to make more money, work with you on compromises related to your living conditions, and even continue to work on getting him to agree to counseling.  The words, tone and attitude can make a difference.  But he may just be unwilling to budge no matter what.

I can't imagine living in uncomfortable conditions for more than a brief period without having a definite time line for things to change.  A year and a half seems too much with which to deal.  Of course it's easy from the outside looking in to say "get out".

The bottom line is you have to figure out if you can stay with him if nothing changes.  Because there's a reasonable likelihood it won't.