My girlfriend got upset that I was upset she cancelled our anniversary dinner

[basil67]

5 minutes ago, Yellayumpa said:

That’s the reason I assume, but am never told. This year wasn’t the case, but our first two years I was just as busy as her, and didn’t do anything unusual, so I don’t think it’s fair of her to do this every year 

This year she gave you a reason - she's sick.  Do you believe her?   As for the previous years, why didn't you ask what she had on?  There's nothing wrong with asking the question in a manner which isn't accusatory.  Whether it be my partner or my best friend, if they cancelled or couldn't see me for a bit, I'd ask what was happening in their life.  

As for how to say “you get really weird around our anniversary every year”, the answer is to remove the word "you" from the sentence where it may put her on the defensive.  Instead, word it starting with "I".   "I feel hurt that we've never been able to do our anniversary on time".    "I feel like I don't fit in your life when I don't see you for a long stretch at this time of year"   And then pause and let her give a response.

 

[Girl Fade Away]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

As for how to say “you get really weird around our anniversary every year”, the answer is to remove the word "you" from the sentence where it may put her on the defensive.  Instead, word it starting with "I".   "I feel hurt that we've never been able to do our anniversary on time".    "I feel like I don't fit in your life when I don't see you for a long stretch at this time of year"   And then pause and let her give a response.

OP, for a different perspective from what @basil67posted above, my boyfriend responds much better when I am direct like in the emboldened quote above.  I have used "I feel hurt...." before and not sure why but he never quite gets it.   He would respond with "I'm sorry you feel hurt but isn't that YOUR issue? I cannot help how YOU feel."  He does not say to be rude or nasty, he seriously does not get it.  He responds much better when I am direct pointing out a behavior of HIS that I find hurtful.  He gets a chance to reflect on it to determine if what I am saying has any validity.  The key is to say it in a respectful, non-accusatory manner.

But do what you feel more comfortable with.  Frankly, I don't think it matters much how you word it, all that's important is that you discuss it and hopefully come to a resolution that satisfies both of you.  

Edited November 3, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[Noproblem]

What do you expect, this time of the year has tons of exams, I have exams every week, do you think I will care for anniversary if I am about to fail school?

Don't be so pushy trying to guilt her and be more supportive and understanding. Schools and Career > relationships that don't last!

Edited November 3, 2021 by Noproblem

[Yellayumpa]

1 hour ago, Noproblem said:

What do you expect, this time of the year has tons of exams, I have exams every week, do you think I will care for anniversary if I am about to fail school?

Don't be so pushy trying to guilt her and be more supportive and understanding. Schools and Career > relationships that don't last!

Did you come to my thread just to project onto it? I’m just as busy as she is, and have been all three years. I still made it work all three years, and it’s not my fault or issue she can’t manage her time for something I thought she thought was important too

[Interstellar]

She’s sick so you should be more understanding of her. When i’m sick I don’t want to be around people either. As far as school goes, when i have school I don’t go out and have no life, and just laser like focus on my studies because it’s a difficult course so guess what? you should be understanding of her too. When she graduates she’ll make  money.

Patience is the key to women my friend. Patience, and humor.

Edited November 3, 2021 by Interstellar

[basil67]

18 minutes ago, Yellayumpa said:

Did you come to my thread just to project onto it? I’m just as busy as she is, and have been all three years. I still made it work all three years, and it’s not my fault or issue she can’t manage her time for something I thought she thought was important too

I notice that you've compared her decisions to yours numerous times in this thread.  Thing is, she's not you.  Just because you made a certain choice, it doesn't stand to reason that she should do it too.  Thing is, she has different priorities to you.    The only question is whether or not you wish to continue with someone who's not meeting your needs. 

Edited November 3, 2021 by basil67

[Yellayumpa]

14 minutes ago, Interstellar said:

She’s sick so you should be more understanding of her. When i’m sick I don’t want to be around people either. As far as school goes, when i have school I don’t go out and have no life, and just laser like focus on my studies because it’s a difficult course so guess what? you should be understanding of her too. When she graduates she’ll make  money.

Patience is the key to women my friend. Patience, and humor.

I am understanding of her being sick. I found it upsetting because she refused to get a covid test initially, signalling it wasn’t that serious. Today, she told me she felt worse and is getting tested, so I’m absolutely with her, and want to support her until she’s better. Given how she’s always off around this time of year, and she just got over a cold last week, I was skeptical. If it’s bad, of course I’m going to support her. 
 

school is obviously important, but that doesn’t mean you can cancel on someone or just ignore someone completely like she has in the past. I’m all for supporting her, and I’ve been incredibly busy too, but that doesn’t mean it’s fair to just cancel on me. When I said we should go for dinner today, she suggested we do something local. She didn’t say she’d not want to hang out, but if she did, I’d be okay with it. 

[Alpacalia]

5 hours ago, Yellayumpa said:

I’ll ask her to look into places we can eat when we go away & see if she’s willing to do that before going any further 

Sounds like a wise decision.

If you decide to end things at that point because she continues to refuse to meet you in the middle, you're better off moving on.

When she is concerned about your well-being, she will try to improve the balance by taking on more and spending more effort.

You, too, have health issues, as someone else mentioned earlier, so keep that in mind first and foremost.

 

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Yellayumpa said:

school is obviously important, but that doesn’t mean you can cancel on someone or just ignore someone completely like she has in the past. I’m all for supporting her, and I’ve been incredibly busy too, but that doesn’t mean it’s fair to just cancel on me. When I said we should go for dinner today, she suggested we do something local. She didn’t say she’d not want to hang out, but if she did, I’d be okay with it. 

Actually, it is OK to cancel on someone if you're feeling overwhelmed or running behind.  Both of my BFFs can be a bit fragile and it's not uncommon for them to cancel something with me because they need down time.  Yes, it's disappointing if we were planning something nice, but if this is what they need, then it's what they need.   And the last thing I'd do is make a fuss over it because if they aren't up to it, then the evening would be a bust anyway.    As for me, I do my best to avoid social events for a week or two after Xmas every year.

Ignoring is not OK.  When she took time out to study (at least you think she was studying) was she ignoring your attempts to check in?

I'm glad your GF is feeling well enough to go out to a quiet local thing tonight.  I hope you have a nice evening.

Edited November 3, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Yellayumpa]

30 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Actually, it is OK to cancel on someone if you're feeling overwhelmed or running behind.  Both of my BFFs can be a bit fragile and it's not uncommon for them to cancel something with me because they need down time.  Yes, it's disappointing if we were planning something nice, but if this is what they need, then it's what they need.   And the last thing I'd do is make a fuss over it because if they aren't up to it, then the evening would be a bust anyway.    As for me, I do my best to avoid social events for a week or two after Xmas every year.

Ignoring is not OK.  When she took time out to study (at least you think she was studying) was she ignoring your attempts to check in?

I'm glad your GF is feeling well enough to go out to a quiet local thing tonight.  I hope you have a nice evening.

My gf gets mad if I can’t zoom with her spontaneously. I get what you’re saying,  but There’s a double standard at play.

 

Yes, she was Ignoring it, or at least being very dry at the time. I felt incredibly neglected, and I obviously understand how important school is, but it made me feel like a non-issue to her. 

We didn’t go out tonight. I was saying that when I made plans with her for tonight, she suggested staying local as opposed to going downtown, so we made reservations near her place at first. She cancelled on me yesterday, and that was it. She’s sick to the point she’s going to get tested for COVID, so I’m not upset at her whatsoever over the evening anymore. Just a bit sad over it now haha 

[glows]

Text her and ask how she's doing. She's sick so make alternate plans if you haven't already and spend time with friends and family or keep busy and productive. Check in with her and see how the testing goes. Your blood pressure must be through the roof with all this. Take care of yourself.

[Acacia98]

17 hours ago, Yellayumpa said:

Have you never been mad at something that’s really inconvenienced you? That’s how I felt. It doesn’t have to be personal, and it wasn’t here. 
 

Her getting distant this time of year is really annoying, and usually I am avoidant. I usually don’t speak up on things like this, for example my gf made plans with me to zoom a few weeks ago since we cancelled our formal date, and when I asked her to come on, she said zoom plans aren’t real plans and had to do homework instead of cancelling on me. I didn’t make a fuss about that, and wasn’t going to here either, but she asked if I was upset and I was honest with her.

 

im not too mad about the family thing. If I was I wouldn’t be with her after three years. My family gets no say in who i date, it’s just an additional headache that I have to deal with 

In addition to everything else you've written, this suggests to me that, indeed, you are doing more for this relationship than she is. 

It's wonderful that you won't allow your family to tell you who you should date. However, it's important for you to make the effort to objectively analyze your relationship and determine whether you are happy with the apparent asymmetry of effort.

If it is a deal breaker, you have the option of ending the relationship. If it isn't, then perhaps you can try doing less so that your efforts match hers better.

[Wiseman2]

You'll both be ok. Consider there's a lot of stress right now with finances, school, work, living with parents, etc.

Don't look for hidden meanings regarding whatever "patterns" there may be if one or both of you are stressed out and bicker.

If you want to plan that's fine. Then you have control over what you do and that's good too. If she can't pay a lot or drive that's fine too.

The only issue is you're disappointed she cancelled due to not feeling well. Keep things in perspective. Disappointments happen. Roll with it.

Never understood the whole "who plans things" debate. Who cares? If you're planner and the other is easy going, you get to do what you want.

[Yellayumpa]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

You'll both be ok. Consider there's a lot of stress right now with finances, school, work, living with parents, etc.

Don't look for hidden meanings regarding whatever "patterns" there may be if one or both of you are stressed out and bicker.

If you want to plan that's fine. Then you have control over what you do and that's good too. If she can't pay a lot or drive that's fine too.

The only issue is you're disappointed she cancelled due to not feeling well. Keep things in perspective. Disappointments happen. Roll with it.

Never understood the whole "who plans things" debate. Who cares? If you're planner and the other is easy going, you get to do what you want.

I’m with you. As for planning, it’s the implicit pressure for me to keep things interesting, new or fun that really hurts over time, and is a problem now more than  it was when we started dating 

[ExpatInItaly]

2 minutes ago, Yellayumpa said:

I’m with you. As for planning, it’s the implicit pressure for me to keep things interesting, new or fun that really hurts over time, and is a problem now more than  it was when we started dating 

Does she ever plan dates? 

 

[Yellayumpa]

17 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Does she ever plan dates? 

 

Rarely. Shell sometimes mention wanting to go to certain things, which counts in my book, but usually i decide. She does tell me stuff she likes doing during winter and fall for example, then it’s a matter of deciding when we do it

[vla1120]

I feel like you shouldn't be having these issues when you've been together for three years. If she just got over being sick, and is now feeling sick again, she should get COVID tested and shouldn't go to school, even if it is "mandatory." I would think it would be more mandatory to not knowingly or possibly spread COVID. 

It's also telling that she avoids your family and seems to have a problem acknowledging your anniversary. It does sound like you may be more vested in the relationship than she is. Do you get this feeling as well? I guess you have to weigh how good your relationship is for 11 months out of the year and whether it is worth it to try and figure out what her problem is concerning your anniversary and spending time with your family. How is she around her own family? (I apologize if you already answered this in the thread. I will admit, I breezed through the thread pretty quickly.)

[dramafreezone]

 

12 hours ago, Noproblem said:

so are we gonna ignore the fact that she actually available during the rest of the year and she only disappear during November! Maybe she doesn't care about anniversaries as much as he does..some people don't even care about birthdays

Well, being in a relationship isn't all about what SHE wants.  It's also about "I want to do this for him because I love him."  He's telling one side of this so I keep that in mind but it sounds like she's a taker to me.

If she wants to just focus on what she wants why not just stay single?

Edited November 3, 2021 by dramafreezone

[Yellayumpa]

28 minutes ago, vla1120 said:

I feel like you shouldn't be having these issues when you've been together for three years. If she just got over being sick, and is now feeling sick again, she should get COVID tested and shouldn't go to school, even if it is "mandatory." I would think it would be more mandatory to not knowingly or possibly spread COVID. 

It's also telling that she avoids your family and seems to have a problem acknowledging your anniversary. It does sound like you may be more vested in the relationship than she is. Do you get this feeling as well? I guess you have to weigh how good your relationship is for 11 months out of the year and whether it is worth it to try and figure out what her problem is concerning your anniversary and spending time with your family. How is she around her own family? (I apologize if you already answered this in the thread. I will admit, I breezed through the thread pretty quickly.)

No need to apologize. I didn’t think it would happen again this year, and to be fair, she is now going to get COVID tested, but overall, I’m not willing to deal with this for a month every year. 
 

I don’t know if I get that feeling or not. She often talks about getting married, asks for reassurance I still love her (I do nothing to make her feel I don’t though), and so it’s tricky for sure. 
 

her family life is very weird to me. They’re a close group, but they’re not affectionate at all. It’s like they’re going through the motions with one another, and yet they’re very close, and don’t want to be apart from each other. 

[Wiseman2]

12 minutes ago, Yellayumpa said:

her family life is very weird to me. They’re a close group, but they’re not affectionate at all. It’s like they’re going through the motions with one another, and yet they’re very close, and don’t want to be apart from each other. 

Just curious if there is a cultural or socioeconomic difference? Often collectivist cultures are (or seem) more close-knit. You seem to strive for more independence while living at home and she seems to be more in the fold of her family, no?

[Yellayumpa]

16 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Just curious if there is a cultural or socioeconomic difference? Often collectivist cultures are (or seem) more close-knit. You seem to strive for more independence while living at home and she seems to be more in the fold of her family, no?

We are of the same background. Her family is a bit wealthier than mine as well, so I think it’s just personal differences. I do think I’m more independent than she is overall, and definitely try not to rely on my family for too much (although my family is very kind and giving)

[basil67]

6 hours ago, Yellayumpa said:

I’m with you. As for planning, it’s the implicit pressure for me to keep things interesting, new or fun that really hurts over time, and is a problem now more than  it was when we started dating 

I can see it would be tiring doing all the planning.  What does she say when you've discussed the inequity with her?