My girlfriend got upset that I was upset she cancelled our anniversary dinner

[glows]

Surely you both can't expect each other to hang out in each others' parents' basements for much longer. Let this go, come to some solution about finding more independence, at least for yourself. If she is still not on the same page or in a different stage of her life from you, you'll have to figure out whether she's a compatible partner overall. Not to minimize but these issues are just not worth stumbling over in the grand scheme of things. Keep appreciating each other and love one another in the time you have available or when you can meet if you want to maintain the relationship.

[Els]

23 minutes ago, Yellayumpa said:

Right, but I’m not asking her to spend time with my parents. I’m asking her to come over, say hi, and hang out in the basement the same way i do at her house.I don’t want or expect her to sit herself down at the tv with my family and converse with them instead of going out on a date. She, in her head, feels she has to dress fancy, and spend the whole time around my family while I continuously tell her that’s not something I want or expect from her 

Right. It's possible that this particular girl may have issues with anxiety, but again as I am saying, you may find that the number of women who will be thrilled at spending a lot of time hanging out in your parents' basement (especially while they are around) may be limited. At 23 some may, but that number will get smaller as you get older.

Quote

Buying a house in the country I love is very expensive, so In a year or two yes. 

Most people rent (with/without flatmates) at some point between living with their parents and buying a house. I understand that it's often considered "throwing money away", but IMO you are spending that money on something that is priceless - independence, an adult lifestyle, and most importantly, experience with living independently. I personally wouldn't recommend buying a house if you have never rented - it will be difficult to know what to look for and what factors to consider when you have never lived by yourself or had any practice with picking a house to rent.

A couple of my early rentals were absolute disasters - if I had bought instead of rented, I'd still be paying for those disasters.

Edited November 2, 2021 by Elswyth

[Yellayumpa]

6 minutes ago, Elswyth said:

Right. It's possible that this particular girl may have issues with anxiety, but again as I am saying, you may find that the number of women who will be thrilled at spending a lot of time hanging out in your parents' basement (especially while they are around) may be limited. At 23 some may, but that number will get smaller as you get older.

Most people rent (with/without flatmates) at some point between living with their parents and buying a house. I understand that it's often considered "throwing money away", but IMO you are spending that money on something that is priceless - independence, an adult lifestyle, and most importantly, experience with living independently. I personally wouldn't recommend buying a house if you have never rented - it will be difficult to know what to look for and what factors to consider when you have never lived by yourself or had any practice with picking a house to rent.

A couple of my early rentals were absolute disasters - if I had bought instead of rented, I'd still be paying for those disasters.

Altogether, I prefer to go out, but we both agreed to save money to help fund our homes when we have real careers. Also, her anxiety, while something Im sensitive to, is not something I should be constantly bending over for at every inconvenience. Also, is it okay if my gf asks me to spend time in her basement some night? I think you’re missing the point here.
 

Renting isnt a great idea IMO, but personally I’m looking to invest in a condo or something of the sort soon. I’ve spent weeks away from home, which is only a small fraction of the experience you’re referring to, but I get what you mean. Regardless, the situation were in is the one that were in, and my gf hasn’t expressed her disappointment in either of our circumstances, as we both understand the reality of things financially.

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, Yellayumpa said:

I dropped it a long time ago, and I’m not sure? She was apprehensive about it before she ever met my family too, if that’s helpful

She doesn’t drive, and most of the time I like paying for things (not just with her, I just don’t like people buying me things)

Any of the aforementioned habits, in my opinion, are solid instances of YOU taking yourself for granted….it’s no wonder that she follows your lead.

You may have stopped discussing it with her alongside discussions of your family and her, but it still looks to be a major cause of contention for you based on your writings. You're putting forth a lot of effort and getting minimal return. Carrying the weight for an extended period of time is simply not practical.

It's not going to change anytime soon, especially if you continue to placate her.

She's still growing and maturing and still lives at home.

Maybe this is just her limit.

15 hours ago, Yellayumpa said:

In our first year she had a full on breakdown before our anniversary (over Halloween costumes), and last year just after our anniversary she told me she couldn’t see me for three or four weeks because of school. These stuck with me, and definitely added to my discomfort with the whole situation. 

I'm still perplexed by her demeanor towards your anniversary(s), but your guess is as good as mine at this point.

 

[Els]

6 minutes ago, Yellayumpa said:

Altogether, I prefer to go out, but we both agreed to save money to help fund our homes when we have real careers. Also, her anxiety, while something Im sensitive to, is not something I should be constantly bending over for at every inconvenience. Also, is it okay if my gf asks me to spend time in her basement some night? I think you’re missing the point here.

No, mate, I think you are missing my point. I specifically said it was hypocritical of her to expect you to do that, if she does. All I'm saying is, I don't think the majority of women are going to be super stoked about hanging out in your parents' basement when they are around! You can of course have any requirements you want for your relationship, but this is not going to be one that goes down easy. If you break up with your gf and seek a different partner, you may need to be explicit about this requirement, as it has a high potential for incompatibility.

Quote

Renting isnt a great idea IMO, but personally I’m looking to invest in a condo or something of the sort soon. I’ve spent weeks away from home, which is only a small fraction of the experience you’re referring to, but I get what you mean. Regardless, the situation were in is the one that were in, and my gf hasn’t expressed her disappointment in either of our circumstances, as we both understand the reality of things financially.

Right. I'm not giving this advice to improve the situation for your gf, though - I'm suggesting it for your sake.

Edited November 2, 2021 by Elswyth

[dramafreezone]

7 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

15 hours ago, Yellayumpa said:

In our first year she had a full on breakdown before our anniversary (over Halloween costumes), and last year just after our anniversary she told me she couldn’t see me for three or four weeks because of school. These stuck with me, and definitely added to my discomfort with the whole situation. 

 

Yeesh dude.  Maybe a relationship isn't the best thing for her right now.  Does she see a therapist?  Does she receive support from her own family?

You can love someone but if she's bringing you down then what good are you to her, or yourself? 

[Fox Sake]

56 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

Well yeah, I didn't want to be so blunt about it.  He's far more invested which is not a good place to be in.

Really OP the only thing you can do is break up, and if you want to get back later it'll be under different terms.  Maybe she has to lose you to realize that she had a good thing.  Or if she wishes to move on, you'll find someone even better that actually wants to meet your family. 

I don't see what's so good about this one you have right now.  A BF or GF should be a net positive in your life, should uplift you, make you want to be a better version of yourself.  She certainly doesn't appear to be uplifting you, and despite your best efforts, your deference to her doesn't appear to bring her any happiness.  Some relationships just move on because of inertia, and not because the people in the relationship are happy.

I absolutely agree about the investment. Which is no at all healthily balanced.

Yeah it probably was a little blunt!  but it’s the dark reality of it (from what it looks like I can’t really see it any other way in such a light). I think the OPs mental health is more important than this relationship and that’s really the point I’m trying to make. He needs to get back to himself again and for as long as he’s with her , he will just keep handing his energy over to her, she will grow and he will fall apart. 
Maybe him taking a step back will make her realise his value and or /respect or Maybe he will find out he doesn’t want the relationship at all after that. Either way things can’t go on like this for him, it’s unfair. 
 

@OP this discussion is for you. I’m really not having a go at you! I’m sorry if you feel at all offended or like I’m being harsh. I promise I only have your best long term interests at heart. I maybe jumped the gun a little with my approach but you won’t forget it was said! I still remember being told the same thing on LS 14 years ago by 2 people called Art Critic and Cali Guy. It helped me and I hope at some point it helps you too 

[Yellayumpa]

43 minutes ago, Fox Sake said:

I absolutely agree about the investment. Which is no at all healthily balanced.

Yeah it probably was a little blunt!  but it’s the dark reality of it (from what it looks like I can’t really see it any other way in such a light). I think the OPs mental health is more important than this relationship and that’s really the point I’m trying to make. He needs to get back to himself again and for as long as he’s with her , he will just keep handing his energy over to her, she will grow and he will fall apart. 
Maybe him taking a step back will make her realise his value and or /respect or Maybe he will find out he doesn’t want the relationship at all after that. Either way things can’t go on like this for him, it’s unfair. 
 

@OP this discussion is for you. I’m really not having a go at you! I’m sorry if you feel at all offended or like I’m being harsh. I promise I only have your best long term interests at heart. I maybe jumped the gun a little with my approach but you won’t forget it was said! I still remember being told the same thing on LS 14 years ago by 2 people called Art Critic and Cali Guy. It helped me and I hope at some point it helps you too 

I’m not offended by you or what you’ve said at all. I’m grateful that you’re one of the few people here that empathize with me here. I do think In light of all this some time spent apart might be best for us, but I do love my gf, and I think a big part of it is just me not wanting to see anyone else. 
 

something will have to change, and I’m going to ride out this month and then take some time back from the relationship 

[introverted1]

Time for a new gf. One who is as invested in the r/s as you are. If I am reading correctly:

• You pay for everything
• You do all the driving
• You do all the organizing of dates/holidays
• You spend time with her family
• You accommodate her annual stress fest
• She... I'm at a loss on this point.  What does she bring to the table?

 

[LynneVicious]

From what you’ve shared - ie getting super stressed easily (driving her to 3 malls to find a Halloween costume and not finding one she likes then yelled at you about it), refusing to share time with you at your house, not driving, not paying, I’m getting the sense that she’s selfish but maybe you’re just not seeing that. 

Either that, or Shes not as invested in the relationship as you are. Your parents and family have your best interest at heart, so they give you their honest opinion. 

Maybe it’s time for a conversation with her about where the relationship is going? Maybe you need to do some thinking if you are truly compatible and if your needs are being met. I would not discount what your family says. Many people looking in can get a more realistic view of the relationship because they’re nor looking at it through rose colored glasses like you are. 

That’s my .02 anyway. It’s obviously bothering you enough that you’ve come to an Internet forum for advice. 

[dramafreezone]

1 hour ago, Yellayumpa said:

I’m not offended by you or what you’ve said at all. I’m grateful that you’re one of the few people here that empathize with me here. I do think In light of all this some time spent apart might be best for us, but I do love my gf, and I think a big part of it is just me not wanting to see anyone else. 
 

something will have to change, and I’m going to ride out this month and then take some time back from the relationship 

Well, don't take it as anyone's empathizing.  You have to take responsibility for how things have gone too.  There's been plenty of others that have pointed out how you're exacerbating things. You've allowed this type of behavior to fester for so long, and I think this may be too far gone to correct without breaking up.

My main issue is that you're coming from a good place ultimately.  It's ridiculous that the GF tried to paint you as the bad guy for putting together an annerversary party.  Again, that's highly manipulative, but she's acting this way because she can.  You say it's such a great relationship but you've painted her as nothing but a liability and source of stress (and I know we're only getting one side of the story).

Edited November 2, 2021 by dramafreezone

[ExpatInItaly]

What do you envision in the future for this relationship, OP?

 

[Girl Fade Away]

13 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This year, I can understand why she wouldn't want to go away if she is sick. But the fact that she's still going to school and potentially exposing her classmates to whatever she has got and she refuses to get Covid-tested is plain foolish. 

OP, I hesitated asking this because I don't enjoy being a doubter or a downer, but are you sure she is really sick?  And not just using as a excuse to not attend the dinner as per her typical avoidant nature this time of year, every year?  It's a common excuse among avoidants.   I ask because the emboldened is extremely telling.  How can she attend school without being tested?  Testing is mandatory.  If she were sick, she would need to show school proof that she was tested, how does she plan to do that when she refuses to get tested?     

She has got definite issues relating to commitment and so do you since you choose to remain involved with her.  That is why she avoids your anniversary every year.  It represents commitment and it freaks her out, hence her near breakdowns when your anniversary approaches.  This is the crux of her avoidant nature.  I think it's time to deal with it, realistically.  Don't hide behind you are mad at the situation, you are mad at her!  She's avoidant and if this were me and my boyfriend behaved like this every year, I would be taking it VERY personally.

Why are you so afraid to address this with her?  Openly and HONESTLY as @Fox Sake posted.   Or more importantly address it with YOURSELF.   Nevermind her, figure out why YOU are tolerating such poor disrespectful treatment.  Once you figure that out, you will be in a position to make better and healthier choices w/r/t selecting the right and best partners for you.  She's a big girl, she can figure herself and her issues out on her own.  You, your happiness and your own mental health should be your first priority.

 

 

Edited November 2, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[Yellayumpa]

1 hour ago, Girl Fade Away said:

OP, I hesitated asking this because I don't enjoy being a doubter or a downer, but are you sure she is really sick?  And not just using as a excuse to not attend the dinner as per her typical avoidant nature this time of year, every year?  It's a common excuse among avoidants.   I ask because the emboldened is extremely telling.  How can she attend school without being tested?  Testing is mandatory.  If she were sick, she would need to show school proof that she was tested, how does she plan to do that when she refuses to get tested?     

She has got definite issues relating to commitment and so do you since you choose to remain involved with her.  That is why she avoids your anniversary every year.  It represents commitment and it freaks her out, hence her near breakdowns when your anniversary approaches.  This is the crux of her avoidant nature.  I think it's time to deal with it, realistically.  Don't hide behind you are mad at the situation, you are mad at her!  She's avoidant and if this were me and my boyfriend behaved like this every year, I would be taking it VERY personally.

Why are you so afraid to address this with her?  Openly and HONESTLY as @Fox Sake posted.   Or more importantly address it with YOURSELF.   Nevermind her, figure out why YOU are tolerating such poor disrespectful treatment.  Once you figure that out, you will be in a position to make better and healthier choices w/r/t selecting the right and best partners for you.  She's a big girl, she can figure herself and her issues out on her own.  You, your happiness and your own mental health should be your first priority.

 

 

I did think she might have been exaggerating, not faking it when she texted me at first yesterday. I assumed she’d be tired from school & didn’t want to get ready and go out, but she’s going to get tested Thursday, so I’m choosing to fully believe her. 
 

as for the rest of it, what can I do? After the individual things each year we talked about it, but it isn’t concrete enough to actually go and say “why do you do this every year before or after our anniversary”. 
 

I genuinely don’t know how to address it properly without sounding like I’m paranoid or making much ado about nothing 

[Yellayumpa]

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

What do you envision in the future for this relationship, OP?

 

Like any relationship I’d obviously want to end up with the person I’m dating, but that doesn’t always happen of course

[basil67]

7 hours ago, glows said:

It's also midterm season in October so why can't the "anniversary date" be moved or adjusted a week or few weeks earlier to a date in September for instance or celebrate it earlier? I would think if it's a repeat issue each year, adjust the time you celebrate and instead of a full day affair for example, keep it shorter to a dinner date.

I think this is a good idea.  Our anniversary falls in a very inconvenient time, so we celebrate a few weeks later.   Perhaps it would work for you?

[Yellayumpa]

2 hours ago, dramafreezone said:

Well, don't take it as anyone's empathizing.  You have to take responsibility for how things have gone too.  There's been plenty of others that have pointed out how you're exacerbating things. You've allowed this type of behavior to fester for so long, and I think this may be too far gone to correct without breaking up.

My main issue is that you're coming from a good place ultimately.  It's ridiculous that the GF tried to paint you as the bad guy for putting together an annerversary party.  Again, that's highly manipulative, but she's acting this way because she can.  You say it's such a great relationship but you've painted her as nothing but a liability and source of stress (and I know we're only getting one side of the story).

Apparently not, according to some of the replies in here. I thought so too, but clearly there’s something we’re missing. My girlfriend does pay me a lot of attention, is loyal and does seem to care a lot about our future together, and I’ve only spoke of the bad of course. I definitely share some of the responsibility for the state of it right now, but some things aren’t an issue for me in themselves, like driving. Gas is incredibly expensive, especially when you’re the only one driving places, and things like that make it a problem but In itself a lot of these issues don’t inherently bother me 

[Yellayumpa]

2 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I think this is a good idea.  Our anniversary falls in a very inconvenient time, so we celebrate a few weeks later.   Perhaps it would work for you?

This idea falls under the assumption that I myself am not busy during this time of year too. I prepare properly to celebrate the anniversary and organize everything so that I can, and it’s not my fault she can’t balance things every single time. I could ask to do that, but I don’t feel I should compromise on it if I don’t have to

[Alpacalia]

How about she plans the next anniversary?

That gives her a whole year.

Create opportunities for her to step up a bit.

Edited November 2, 2021 by Alpaca

[basil67]

5 minutes ago, Yellayumpa said:

This idea falls under the assumption that I myself am not busy during this time of year too. I prepare properly to celebrate the anniversary and organize everything so that I can, and it’s not my fault she can’t balance things every single time. I could ask to do that, but I don’t feel I should compromise on it if I don’t have to

Listening to your tone here, it sounds like you are at the point where you need to break up.   

[Yellayumpa]

3 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

How about she plans the next anniversary?

That gives her a whole year.

Create opportunities for her to step up a bit.

I’ll ask her to look into places we can eat when we go away & see if she’s willing to do that before going any further 

[Girl Fade Away]

1 hour ago, Yellayumpa said:

as for the rest of it, what can I do? After the individual things each year we talked about it, but it isn’t concrete enough to actually go and say “why do you do this every year before or after our anniversary”. 
I genuinely don’t know how to address it properly without sounding like I’m paranoid or making much ado about nothing 

Maybe I misread but I thought you posted she DOES distance herself either right before or immediately after your anniversary every year for three years.  You posted that the first year she had a breakdown over a Halloween costume.   So not understanding why you cannot ask her that question, I would.  You have been together 3 years, you should be able to ask her anything that concerns you.  Instead you walk on eggshells out of fear of offending her or sounding paranoid.   No disrespect, but it sounds like you are afraid of your own girlfriend.

Asking the hard questions is often difficult but necessary in order to make the right decisions for ourselves.   If she is avoidant or has commitment issues, which it sounds like she does, this is something you should know, don't you think?  She may not even be aware of these issues herself, so you can bring them up and discuss.  If she goes off on you, that right there should tell you something is seriously wrong.  Or she may have a plausible explanation and assuage your concerns.  That's what you do when in a relationship, you bring up concerns and discuss.  Not avoid out of fear of sounding paranoid.  I am sorry but I do not understand that way of thinking.

 

 

Edited November 2, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[basil67]

Further to your comment about wanting to know "why she does this every year", I thought you mentioned early on that she was slammed with school stuff at this time of year.   Is this the reason, or perhaps I misunderstood. 

[Yellayumpa]

1 minute ago, basil67 said:

Further to your comment about wanting to know "why she does this every year", I thought you mentioned early on that she was slammed with school stuff at this time of year.   Is this the reason, or perhaps I misunderstood. 

That’s the reason I assume, but am never told. This year wasn’t the case, but our first two years I was just as busy as her, and didn’t do anything unusual, so I don’t think it’s fair of her to do this every year 

[Yellayumpa]

8 minutes ago, Girl Fade Away said:

Maybe I misread but I thought you posted she DOES distance herself either right before or immediately after your anniversary every year for three years.  You posted that the first year she had a breakdown over a Halloween costume.   So not understanding why you cannot ask her that question, I would.  You have been together 3 years, you should be able to ask her anything that concerns you.  Instead you walk on eggshells out of fear of offending her or sounding paranoid.   No disrespect, but it sounds like you are afraid of your own girlfriend.

Asking the hard questions is often difficult but necessary in order to make the right decisions for ourselves.   If she is avoidant or has commitment issues, which it sounds like she does, this is something you should know, don't you think?  She may not even be aware of these issues herself, so you can bring them up and discuss.  If she goes off on you, that right there should tell you something is seriously wrong.  Or she may have a plausible explanation and assuage your concerns.  That's what you do when in a relationship, you bring up concerns and discuss.  Not avoid out of fear of sounding paranoid.  I am sorry but I do not understand that way of thinking.

 

 

You didn’t misunderstand; she does every year, but they’re all different things. There’s no connection on the surface aside from when it happens. Last year I told her she was being distant, she apologized, was nice for a week then told me not to ask to see her for an entire month because of school. We speak about the issues as they come up, but what I’m saying is, I can’t think of a way to say “you get really weird around our anniversary every year” without sounding paranoid or odd. It’s worth discussing though for sure, and I don’t feel disrespected, don’t worry.