My girlfriend got upset that I was upset she cancelled our anniversary dinner

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Yellayumpa said:

Have you never been mad at something that’s really inconvenienced you? That’s how I felt. It doesn’t have to be personal, and it wasn’t here. 

Yes, and I recognized when I was mad at the person causing the inconvenience too. 

She can't do anything about getting sick. But if your relationship were on solid ground and you two were otherwise close and this was a one-off you likely would not have been this upset either. That's why I don't buy for a moment that you are are not also angry at her. 

Your mistake is trying to separate this incident from the greater context, which you both contribute to. Are your parents correct that it's mostly you doing the heavy lifting in this relationship?

 

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, Yellayumpa said:

She does get overly stressed very easily, and doesn’t let me know if she is. It feels like I’m walking into a minefield every time I’m upset about something. 
 

her family dynamic is a little bit more hostile than mine, but no we’re of the same background. My parents are critical, but privately. They are very kind to her, and my mother, for example, wants to give my gf all of her supplies for work once my gf graduates and gets to work in her field. My parents just don’t like my gf because she doesn’t casually come over, and doesn’t drive, as they feel They see me do too much work in the relationship. I’ve told them I’m happy to drive, but they have an opinion and stuck to it. 
She’s had boyfriends before us but this is her first longer relationship 

Sounds like you're doing a lot to accommodate her.

I'm still not sure why though she seems to get more upset around this time of year.

Is it possible she has a history of depression or was there a significant event that happened around this time of year?

[Yellayumpa]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Don't involve your family to this extreme in your love life. They shouldn't even be aware of all these tiffs and nuances. 

You're poisoning them against her and you know it. End it, you're not compatible.

 You seem  quite resentful of your Gf on many levels from feeling you do too much to not being in lockstep with your family.

I don’t tell them these things, it’s not hard to see though. You can’t exactly hide things like doing all the driving when I have to leave the house with the car, or coming home starving after visiting her house (that’s a long issue for another time, and one that doesn’t bother me too much personally, but irks my family). I’ve only defended her when they ask me about these things, and haven’t complained once to them about any of this, as, like you said, they shouldn’t be involved one way or another.

[Yellayumpa]

22 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Yes, and I recognized when I was mad at the person causing the inconvenience too. 

She can't do anything about getting sick. But if your relationship were on solid ground and you two were otherwise close and this was a one-off you likely would not have been this upset either. That's why I don't buy for a moment that you are are not also angry at her. 

Your mistake is trying to separate this incident from the greater context, which you both contribute to. Are your parents correct that it's mostly you doing the heavy lifting in this relationship?

 

Yes they are. It was way, way worse pre-pandemic, as we were doing a lot more stuff that was out and about, but yes. I do drive everywhere and pay for everything. My gf has asked me to do specific things now, so it’s been better In that regard lately, but overall yes I do feel I do all the heavy lifting

[Yellayumpa]

1 hour ago, Fox Sake said:

“What I didn’t mention to her but it part of my anger” 

you're doing your relationship a real disservice by not communicating openly and honestly. 
The fastest way build resentment towards a partner is harbouring an issue that is eating away at you. 
 

I guess you’re scared to approach her about how you really feel for fear of her reaction to you, or rejection and then how she would look in your family’s eyes.   
It sounds like you’re treading on eggshells somewhat, and that is just not healthy or good grounds to build a loving, trusting relationship.
Compromise, compassion and understanding has to come equally from both people. That includes being able to talk to your partner about issues that have come up and both be able to work through them. sounds to me like you BOTH have a few things to work on

But that’s the problem, isn’t it? I did communicate yesterday that I was upset openly when she asked. I don’t know how to go on from here. Everything else I mentioned in this post I’ve already communicated about with her, and it doesn’t seem like she wants to budge on anything, so I’m at an impasse. I really do love her, but it does feel like I’m not allowed to be upset about anything

[ExpatInItaly]

20 minutes ago, Yellayumpa said:

overall yes I do feel I do all the heavy lifting

Then this is what you need to talk to her about. 

Not about being sick on this occasion, because she can't help that. But that fact that you feel this relationship is lopsided. 

[Yellayumpa]

37 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

Sounds like you're doing a lot to accommodate her.

I'm still not sure why though she seems to get more upset around this time of year.

Is it possible she has a history of depression or was there a significant event that happened around this time of year?

I do. We both have dietary issues, but Hers have become worse than mine lately and I’ve been doing all I can to support her while she figures it out. I’m just pointing this out because I don’t want you or anyone  else in this thread to think I’m neglectful or anything like that. But yes I’m there for her emotionally whenever she needs me, and accommodate her in the ways we listed above.

 

Not diagnosed, but I do think she suffers from some issue with her mental health, be it depression, anxiety, or OCD. I don’t know why it always comes out this time of year, but it does 

[glows]

Make other plans on the weekend since you've booked a day off or ask if you can still go in and work. If there's anything your parents don't like about her don't repeat it to her such as her not coming over enough. It's kind of them to invite her over but an invitation should never come with such an intense obligation to follow. It doesn't make sense to me why she is obligated to follow in the same mannerisms as your parents or you, to drop by casually on any given day. If she's not comfortable with that, accept that and be casual about it. If you are adopting the views of your parents or vice versa, it's just very negative to be around. 

It's also midterm season in October so why can't the "anniversary date" be moved or adjusted a week or few weeks earlier to a date in September for instance or celebrate it earlier? I would think if it's a repeat issue each year, adjust the time you celebrate and instead of a full day affair for example, keep it shorter to a dinner date.

Are you also in school? Does she work? If she's working and studying, she's probably short on time so place less expectations overall on the relationship. 

 

 

[smackie9]

Knowing what you know how she is this time of year...why push for dinner and a vacation? Obviously it's too much for her. Why not plan something more low key on a different day, different weekend. You know, make a compromise. Some people, like myself, hate all the hoopla celebrating this or that. If I could I wouldn't do Christmas at all. My Birthday? just another day. So lighten up, and figure something else out.

[Yellayumpa]

7 minutes ago, glows said:

Make other plans on the weekend since you've booked a day off or ask if you can still go in and work. If there's anything your parents don't like about her don't repeat it to her such as her not coming over enough. It's kind of them to invite her over but an invitation should never come with such an intense obligation to follow. It doesn't make sense to me why she is obligated to follow in the same mannerisms as your parents or you, to drop by casually on any given day. If she's not comfortable with that, accept that and be casual about it. If you are adopting the views of your parents or vice versa, it's just very negative to be around. 

It's also midterm season in October so why can't the "anniversary date" be moved or adjusted a week or few weeks earlier to a date in September for instance or celebrate it earlier? I would think if it's a repeat issue each year, adjust the time you celebrate and instead of a full day affair for example, keep it shorter to a dinner date.

Are you also in school? Does she work? If she's working and studying, she's probably short on time so place less expectations overall on the relationship. 

 

 

I don’t care about my parents particular unease. Personally I find it weird she won’t hang out with me at my place. Ive told her ad nauseum to just say hi to my parents and come hang out in the basement like we do at her house, but she won’t budge and I can’t wrap my head around it. I am personally upset about her not hanging out with me at my place, and my parents don’t get it either , but they’re separarte issues to me (if that makes sense). Her not coming over is a problem for me, independently of what my parents think.

 

Tonight was supposed to be a dinner and that’s it. She works 6 hours a week and is in school, I was in school but finished last year and am working full time while I get my firefighting certifications. Last year on our anniversary she expected me to go visit her after doing fire training in a city two hours away from ours and I did, despite my exhaustion and, much like her today, feeling of great fatigue. 
 

just editing to say that me making it last year obviously doesn’ obligate her to do anything this time around, just makes me feel as if there was a double standard there

Edited November 2, 2021 by Yellayumpa

[Alpacalia]

I would drop the issue of her coming around to spend time with your family because it doesn't sound like she's going to budge.

Also, why are you driving her everywhere and paying for everything?

Edited November 2, 2021 by Alpaca

[glows]

5 minutes ago, Yellayumpa said:

I don’t care about my parents particular unease. Personally I find it weird she won’t hang out with me at my place. Ive told her ad nauseum to just say hi to my parents and come hang out in the basement like we do at her house, but she won’t budge and I can’t wrap my head around it. I am personally upset about her not hanging out with me at my place, and my parents don’t get it either , but they’re separarte issues to me (if that makes sense). Her not coming over is a problem for me, independently of what my parents think.

 

Tonight was supposed to be a dinner and that’s it. She works 6 hours a week and is in school, I was in school but finished last year and am working full time while I get my firefighting certifications. Last year on our anniversary she expected me to go visit her after doing fire training in a city two hours away from ours and I did, despite my exhaustion and, much like her today, feeling of great fatigue. 
 

just editing to say that me making it last year obviously doesn’ obligate her to do anything this time around, just makes me feel as if there was a double standard there

Both of you may want to look at moving out soon, if that's an option, for your own reasons/growth. Ask her if she feels there isn't enough privacy when you hang out. I also wondered if she feels uncomfortable spending time at your place because of what her parents think. If you don't sense she's as into the relationship as you are, think about things for awhile. Let the dust settle on this weekend, disappointing as it all is, make alternate plans with your friends. Sleep on this and then decide whether she's on the same page you are in terms of a longer term relationship.

[Fox Sake]

1 hour ago, Yellayumpa said:

But that’s the problem, isn’t it? I did communicate yesterday that I was upset openly when she asked. I don’t know how to go on from here. Everything else I mentioned in this post I’ve already communicated about with her, and it doesn’t seem like she wants to budge on anything, so I’m at an impasse. I really do love her, but it does feel like I’m not allowed to be upset about anything

But you didn’t communicate.
You said “the one thing I didn’t tell her” 

You wanna know what’s really happened here? You’ve already conditioned her into thinking it’s okay to treat you like that because you’ve always feared her reaction. 

There is no going back now.
No wonder she won’t budge. Why should she suddenly change when you taught her it’s okay to be like that? She doesn’t respect you at all. 
 

There is a lesson here for you. You teach people how to treat you. Next time you meet someone you like , make sure you respect yourself equally as much as them. 

[Yellayumpa]

35 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

I would drop the issue of her coming around to spend time with your family because it doesn't sound like she's going to budge.

Also, why are you driving her everywhere and paying for everything?

I dropped it a long time ago, and I’m not sure? She was apprehensive about it before she ever met my family too, if that’s helpful

She doesn’t drive, and most of the time I like paying for things (not just with her, I just don’t like people buying me things)

[dramafreezone]

13 hours ago, Yellayumpa said:

Preface to this, my gf and I will be going on three years tomorrow. Things have been good, if not great between us aside from the rare fight here and there. We’re both 23z

My gf and I have a weekend getaway set up in the next few weeks in addition to the dinner we had planned for tomorrow, and today she texted me telling she felt a cold coming on (she had just gotten over one last week), and didn’t want to see each other tomorrow and save our celebrations for two weeks from now. I was really hurt by this, but said if she’s sick then it wouldn’t be a problem at the end of it. She asked if I was upset, and I told her I was upset on a 6/10 level because I had organized everything on my end to be a good day for us (booked it off, ensured I had my car available, etc.). I was also upset because I already told my family I was going out for my anniversary, and was incredibly embarrassed to tell them I wasn’t going to go out anymore. The reason this is so embarrassing is because my gf, short fo a major celebration, refuses to come to my place. My family has been nothing but kind to her, but she’s scared of them disapproving of her, which, ironically, has led to them not liking her for never visiting. I’m embarrassed because telling my family my gf cancelled our anniversary dinner surely wouldn’t help the issue (my gf doesn’t know about this, obviously). That said, I told my gf not to be too sad about it, and that I’d get over it.

When I told my gf this, she started saying how she was so stressed already because of school, we have the trip, etc. All as reasons why I shouldn’t be mad, and I told her I knew it wasn’t personal and was more mad at the situation then I was at her. what I didn’t mention to her, but part of my anger is that she’s always very avoidant during this time of the year. In our first year she had a full on breakdown before our anniversary (over Halloween costumes), and last year just after our anniversary she told me she couldn’t see me for three or four weeks because of school. These stuck with me, and definitely added to my discomfort with the whole situation. 
 

She said I was being passive aggressive, and I explained that I wasn’t, I was just upset about the situation. I feel an actual anniversary day should be special, and her cancelling made me feel as if she didn’t care about the sentiment. I told her I didn’t want to stress her more, and that she should just focus on getting better, and essentially had to calm her down even though I feel I have every right to be upset about this, and am even more upset about this after I feel she tried to make me feel stupid for being mad. I kind of just want your takes on this/advice, as I’m still incredibly bothered by the whole thing.

Classic manipulation/gaslighting.  She's the one that canceled and made *you* feel as though you're at fault somehow.

Problems start when one party is more invested than the other.  Seems like you're into this thing 100% and she won't even get to know your family.  Normally GFs can't wait to meet the family.  You can't make want to be closer to your family, and do you think she'll all of a sudden want to be a part of that one day?  It's been 3 years, this is what she is.  These are things you should be thinking about.

Edited November 2, 2021 by dramafreezone

[elaine567]

3 hours ago, Yellayumpa said:

Her getting distant this time of year is really annoying

Have you ever considered it may have nothing to do with you, your anniversary or your parents.
Maybe there is some other reason she is negatively triggered at this time of year...
 

[Yellayumpa]

9 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

Classic manipulation/gaslighting.  She's the one that canceled and made *you* feel as though you're at fault somehow.

Problems start when one party is more invested than the other.  Seems like you're into this thing 100% and she won't even get to know your family.  Normally GFs can't wait to meet the family.

Nope! It’s clearly my fault for wanting to clelebrate our anniversary here! Spending time at my place is also incredibly out of the question and reasonably so despite me spending time with her family or at her house frequently.
 

in all seriousness, she told me today that she’s going to get COVID tested tomorrow, which is more than enough for me to focus on supporting her getting better, and I’m not pressed about the anniversary anymore

[Yellayumpa]

1 minute ago, elaine567 said:

Have you ever considered it may have nothing to do with you, your anniversary or your parents.
Maybe there is some other reason she is negatively triggered at this time of year...
 

100%! I’m sure it doesn’t. She refuses to explain what’s wrong to me though, and if it is just school or work, then it’s a bit of a hell of her own making. My gf is a self professed procrastinator and complains all the time she doesn’t get enough rest while unwilling to change sleep patterns. This often leads to pushing me away this time of year (or so I think)

[elaine567]

1 minute ago, Yellayumpa said:

100%! I’m sure it doesn’t.

How on earth can you be so certain? The fact she clams up about what is wrong, probably indicates she just doesn't want to discuss it with you.

[dramafreezone]

42 minutes ago, Yellayumpa said:

I dropped it a long time ago, and I’m not sure? She was apprehensive about it before she ever met my family too, if that’s helpful

She doesn’t drive, and most of the time I like paying for things (not just with her, I just don’t like people buying me things)

So she doesn't drive, you pay for a lot of stuff, she gets stressed a lot, she doesn't want to engage with your family in any meaningful type of way, she gaslights you for her canceling a party you're putting together for the two of you.

So besides sex, what do you like about her?  We tend to get all of the bad from one side and very little of the good when people talk about their BFs or GFs on here.  I don't see what makes this one a prize to be honest.  She doesn't seem to appreciate you unless you're just telling us all of the bad stuff and none of the good. 

[Fox Sake]

26 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

So she doesn't drive, you pay for a lot of stuff, she gets stressed a lot, she doesn't want to engage with your family in any meaningful type of way, she gaslights you for her canceling a party you're putting together for the two of you.

So besides sex, what do you like about her?  We tend to get all of the bad from one side and very little of the good when people talk about their BFs or GFs on here.  I don't see what makes this one a prize to be honest.  She doesn't seem to appreciate you unless you're just telling us all of the bad stuff and none of the good. 

The problem is he’s whipped and become subservient without accounting for his own happiness! He has a big heart tho so deserves better. He will see it eventually I’m sure. 

Edit - OP fix your heart and find someone who treats you with an equal amount of thought and respect for your feelings as you do them. 

Edited November 2, 2021 by Fox Sake
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[dramafreezone]

3 minutes ago, Fox Sake said:

The problem is he’s whipped and become subservient without accounting for his own happiness! He has a big heart tho so deserves better. He will see it eventually I’m sure. 

Well yeah, I didn't want to be so blunt about it.  He's far more invested which is not a good place to be in.

Really OP the only thing you can do is break up, and if you want to get back later it'll be under different terms.  Maybe she has to lose you to realize that she had a good thing.  Or if she wishes to move on, you'll find someone even better that actually wants to meet your family. 

I don't see what's so good about this one you have right now.  A BF or GF should be a net positive in your life, should uplift you, make you want to be a better version of yourself.  She certainly doesn't appear to be uplifting you, and despite your best efforts, your deference to her doesn't appear to bring her any happiness.  Some relationships just move on because of inertia, and not because the people in the relationship are happy.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Yellayumpa said:

I was in school but finished last year and am working full time while I get my firefighting certifications.

Excellent. Focus on your training and studies.  It's ok if she's sick, just ride that out. As far as level of family involvement, hard to say while you both live at home.

[Els]

5 hours ago, Yellayumpa said:

It’s not like *that*. My parents don’t want her to check in with them or anything, but a lot of the time I’ll go over to her house to hang out while her family is home, and she just won’t do the same thing with me, which is why they’re so confused and uneasy. They don’t get why she won’t casually hang out at our house as well

That sounds exactly like *that*.

Some people just don't like spending a lot of time with their SO's parents. It's probably a bit hypocritical of her to not want to do it when you do it all the time (and it's a necessary factor in maintaining your relationship since she too lives with her parents). But it doesn't change the fact that there's no right or wrong in this aspect, just incompatibility.

Do you plan on moving out in the near future? It's your choice of course, but living with your parents as an adult (while expecting your partner to come over frequently while your parents are home) will typically limit your dating options.

[Yellayumpa]

Just now, Elswyth said:

That sounds exactly like *that*.

Some people just don't like spending a lot of time with their SO's parents. It's probably a bit hypocritical of her to not want to do it when you do it all the time (and it's a necessary factor in maintaining your relationship since she too lives with her parents). But it doesn't change the fact that there's no right or wrong in this aspect, just incompatibility.

Do you plan on moving out in the near future? It's your choice of course, but living with your parents as an adult (while expecting your partner to come over frequently while your parents are home) will typically limit your dating options.

Right, but I’m not asking her to spend time with my parents. I’m asking her to come over, say hi, and hang out in the basement the same way i do at her house.I don’t want or expect her to sit herself down at the tv with my family and converse with them instead of going out on a date. She, in her head, feels she has to dress fancy, and spend the whole time around my family while I continuously tell her that’s not something I want or expect from her 

 

Buying a house in the country I love is very expensive, so In a year or two yes.