jenny 73 Posted October 31, 2021 Posted October 31, 2021 Hi all, I have been dating a guy I like for 5 months now. We have seen each other pretty good amount, although I haven't met his family, I met his roommates and he met a few of my friends. I am the more extrovert and he is more introverted. A few weeks back, I made sure to let him know I like him and see something at the end of this so want to further explore. I asked about his standing, and he said he likes me and wants to see where things go. He has mentioned one time that we live near each other for a year more and then it is possible I leave to find a job or he leaves to explore the world. This shows he is looking into the future which can be positive but also negative? I don't have a worry about this timeline since I believe we have enough time in the next year to figure out if this can work. I am not entirely sure on his side though. I also knew his birthday is coming up and told him if he likes to spend a weekend getaway with me to have some time and celebrate the birthday. He said he likes the idea but needs a week or so to check his stuff and get back to me. He travels sometimes for work and I have a busy schedule so this could be a good time spent. But at the same time, I am not sure if he might not be interested to take things further. The thing is, I am looking for a relationship. I really like him and have fun with him and it is clear to me we are both attracted to each other. He has said he is not great in words of affirmation but wants to work on it and sometimes I see signs of him working thats nice but still he doesnt talk much! Anyway, I want to make sure he is not just sticking by my side and don't see a relationship at all.....any suggestions appreciated!
Mrin Posted October 31, 2021 Posted October 31, 2021 Hmmm tough. Kinda feels like you're more invested than he is from what you wrote. There's a saying which is apropos in this case, "women are the gatekeepers of sex, men are the gatekeepers of relationship". I guess my point is you will be in a relationship when he decides you'll be in a relationship. There's not a whole lot you can do with the exception of calling the question. Best of luck, Mrin 4
Author jenny 73 Posted October 31, 2021 Author Posted October 31, 2021 3 minutes ago, Mrin said: Hmmm tough. Kinda feels like you're more invested than he is from what you wrote. There's a saying which is apropos in this case, "women are the gatekeepers of sex, men are the gatekeepers of relationship". I guess my point is you will be in a relationship when he decides you'll be in a relationship. There's not a whole lot you can do with the exception of calling the question. Best of luck, Mrin Thank you Mrin..... yeah I agree. I am wondering if I should give him time to maybe get back to me about the vacation thing and bring anything up or just ask... I might wait for a week or two and then bring it
Wiseman2 Posted October 31, 2021 Posted October 31, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, jenny 73 said: . He has mentioned one time that we live near each other for a year more and then it is possible I leave to find a job or he leaves to explore the world. he said he likes me and wants to see where things go. Ok. You had a relationship talk and he told you it's casual. "See how it goes". You keep asking after 5 mos and all you ever hear is "like and explore further". This means he's coasting along and sort of indifferent. It's unclear what you want out of this. Is this the same man?: Edited October 31, 2021 by Wiseman2 2
Author jenny 73 Posted October 31, 2021 Author Posted October 31, 2021 17 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Ok. You had a relationship talk and he told you it's casual. "See how it goes". You keep asking after 5 mos and all you ever hear is "like and explore further". This means he's coasting along and sort of indifferent. It's unclear what you want out of this. Is this the same man?: yes same person...the last time we discussed this I asked him. I said if you dont see any future you need to tell me right now. He said no he sees potential and wants to continue. I dont know if this language is him being genuine and taking his time (so i should not rush him) or if he is just casual and uses these words that are vague so I stay. Also if helps at all, we are not having sex and i am the one wanting to wait until I am comfortable and in a relationship.
Wiseman2 Posted October 31, 2021 Posted October 31, 2021 1 minute ago, jenny 73 said: we are not having sex and i am the one wanting to wait until I am comfortable and in a relationship. If you are looking for a serious relationship, this is not the guy. It's not his responsibility to decide what you want. It's yours. Either you're comfortable with it you're not. He's making no promises. Why aren't you dating other men since this is not going anywhere? Sounds like you are just friends hanging out. 3
Author jenny 73 Posted October 31, 2021 Author Posted October 31, 2021 15 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: If you are looking for a serious relationship, this is not the guy. It's not his responsibility to decide what you want. It's yours. Either you're comfortable with it you're not. He's making no promises. Why aren't you dating other men since this is not going anywhere? Sounds like you are just friends hanging out. no we are definitely more than friends, I am just trying not to rush into things cause I myself need more time with him. I am just not sure if he is as invested as I am. Not everyone is invested from the beginning and some people need more time. I am just trying to figure if he is like that or not. We are dating exclusively.
Wiseman2 Posted October 31, 2021 Posted October 31, 2021 1 hour ago, jenny 73 said: We are dating exclusively. Ok. Are you looking for a BF? Is he looking for a GF? How old is he? He seems quite inexperienced and immature.
Saracena Posted October 31, 2021 Posted October 31, 2021 His comment about seeing where things go makes me think he's ambivalent and keeping his options open. How old are you two? I think in your position, I would walk of at least be thinking of it. Sorry. 1
Wiseman2 Posted October 31, 2021 Posted October 31, 2021 30 minutes ago, Saracena said: His comment about seeing where things go makes me think he's ambivalent and keeping his options open. Agree. You're 27, he's 30 so it's important to get your priorities in order. For example do you want marriage and family? If so he told you he wants to travel more. You keep trying to have these relationship talks and keep getting the same lukewarm vague responses. Have you read the book "He's Just Not That Into You"? It may help you identify guys who are just killing time like this guy, vs genuinely interested men who see you as GF/long term material. 2
Gaeta Posted October 31, 2021 Posted October 31, 2021 It's time to let him go. At 5 months a man knows if he wants a relationship, he actually knows much earlier. Yes he is just sticking around till he leaves. All the words and signs are there, you just don't want to believe it. 4
glows Posted October 31, 2021 Posted October 31, 2021 8 hours ago, jenny 73 said: But at the same time, I am not sure if he might not be interested to take things further. The thing is, I am looking for a relationship. What kind of relationship? His idea of dating you seems more casual and temporary, a relationship for right now as opposed to anything longer than one year. What else do you know about him? Or his aspirations or hopes for the future? I wouldn't talk about the relationship at all. Find out more about him and then decide whether he's someone you would want to spend any other time with. I would treat dating him as a temporary occasion or be prepared to go your separate ways eventually within a year.
Alpacalia Posted October 31, 2021 Posted October 31, 2021 You seem to have touched on the "relationship talk." His response seemed to imply that he wants to continue seeing you in order to let the relationship evolve as it will, rather than defining it before it happens. Alternatively, he's satisfied with the current status quo. That is, he is fine to "see" you come and go from his life, because he isn't as invested in it as you are, and he doesn't want to hurt you by giving you the reality. Having said that - do you want him to fit into your romantic timetable because that's what you want right now, or do you want to like him for who he is, with his emotional tempo? Waiting can be emotionally draining, so think about if this person is truly worth the wait. 3
stillafool Posted October 31, 2021 Posted October 31, 2021 He sounds completely lukewarm. You cannot make him rush his feelings towards you. What you should do is set a time limit to see if his feelings grow and he actually tells you they have instead of you always asking. If he doesn't make it clear to you that he sees a future with you because he has fallen in love you by the 6 month mark just end it. You can only control yourself not him. 1
ShyViolet Posted October 31, 2021 Posted October 31, 2021 It sounds like you are more invested in this relationship than he is. I'm a little confused... he told you that in a year it's possible he might "leave to explore the world"? That's not something that a guy who wants to get serious with you would say. And also, his response to you when you suggested a weekend getaway for his birthday..... "I'm not sure, let me get back to you".... Yeah, this guy is not that into you. 2
smackie9 Posted October 31, 2021 Posted October 31, 2021 At 5 months you would think he would be excited about getting away with you....but he's not...he has to "check" on things. This is dead in the water.
Lotsgoingon Posted October 31, 2021 Posted October 31, 2021 If you're even asking this question five months in, the answer is clear: no, he does not see a future. And it's like he'll dump you--even though he is not committing to very much right now. Worse, it's not even clear he could dump you because it's not clear to me that you guys are officially partnered. 2
Author jenny 73 Posted October 31, 2021 Author Posted October 31, 2021 I agree with you.... IDK i just thought I need to give it more time and put his lack of showing he is crazy interested is due to his shy personality but I see what you mean.
Author jenny 73 Posted October 31, 2021 Author Posted October 31, 2021 so wait until the 6th month or talk to him now? I understand. It is sad but I agree. Thank you for messaging
Author jenny 73 Posted October 31, 2021 Author Posted October 31, 2021 all..thank you for messages, I appreciate your thought process. I haven't had a relationship where someone is really into me that sometimes I think that's just a story and not real. In this case I waited to give him time since he treats me nicely and has many qualities I am looking for......but I think he whether should stand up and tell me clearly he wants a relationship or I am done..it is sad even writing this. I had a few people reaching out to me wanting to get to know me but I told them I am getting to know someone and I am not available because I really wanted to make it work with this guy.... 1
Author jenny 73 Posted October 31, 2021 Author Posted October 31, 2021 5 hours ago, Alpaca said: You seem to have touched on the "relationship talk." His response seemed to imply that he wants to continue seeing you in order to let the relationship evolve as it will, rather than defining it before it happens. Alternatively, he's satisfied with the current status quo. That is, he is fine to "see" you come and go from his life, because he isn't as invested in it as you are, and he doesn't want to hurt you by giving you the reality. Having said that - do you want him to fit into your romantic timetable because that's what you want right now, or do you want to like him for who he is, with his emotional tempo? Waiting can be emotionally draining, so think about if this person is truly worth the wait. I wanted him for who he is and I was hoping he wants the same. If something meaningful happens, I could try to find a job near him and even would like to explore the world with him too..... but maybe this is just not my person 1
Alpacalia Posted October 31, 2021 Posted October 31, 2021 1 minute ago, jenny 73 said: I wanted him for who he is and I was hoping he wants the same. If something meaningful happens, I could try to find a job near him and even would like to explore the world with him too..... but maybe this is just not my person 14 hours ago, jenny 73 said: He has mentioned one time that we live near each other for a year more and then it is possible I leave to find a job or he leaves to explore the world. But, as you can see, this is perplexing because he talks of a long-term future in one breath but says he's not sure what he wants from you in the next. Granted, some relationships progress faster than others, in which case the person may not have been the best match. I do think though that if he wants to be in a serious relationship with you, he will not squander time and wait months before asserting you his girlfriend. When it comes to these matters, men usually tell the truth. Take him at his word for it. 2
Author jenny 73 Posted October 31, 2021 Author Posted October 31, 2021 8 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Agree. You're 27, he's 30 so it's important to get your priorities in order. For example do you want marriage and family? If so he told you he wants to travel more. You keep trying to have these relationship talks and keep getting the same lukewarm vague responses. Have you read the book "He's Just Not That Into You"? It may help you identify guys who are just killing time like this guy, vs genuinely interested men who see you as GF/long term material. should I read this book?
Gaeta Posted October 31, 2021 Posted October 31, 2021 41 minutes ago, jenny 73 said: so wait until the 6th month or talk to him now? I understand. It is sad but I agree. Thank you for messaging Why do you think 30 days will change anything? The only thing that will change is you'll be more attached. My daughter went through the same thing. The guy had plans on travelling across the world, my daughter thought if she gave him time he'd have no choice but to get attached to her. She gave him a full year and he left, she was crushed and cried this man for almost an entire year. Save yourself that heartache, move on now. 2
glows Posted October 31, 2021 Posted October 31, 2021 48 minutes ago, jenny 73 said: I wanted him for who he is and I was hoping he wants the same. If something meaningful happens, I could try to find a job near him and even would like to explore the world with him too..... but maybe this is just not my person I think you're way too invested in this. Either temper it and treat it less intensely or as something you'd like to pursue or break it off and free yourself to date someone else you see yourself with long term. Don't worry about the other men you turned down. Give yourself a small break and shake this off. When you're ready meet others again. 2
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