lovelessforum Posted October 31, 2021 Posted October 31, 2021 I will compromise as long as it's not at the detriment of my health. I don't believe anyone needs to compromise if parties involved are considerate about eachother's well being. 1
Els Posted October 31, 2021 Posted October 31, 2021 (edited) In general I think it depends heavily on the importance of the item being compromised on (to both people), as well as how far apart their positions are on it. For instance, even if it's an issue that's typically considered "important", if one person is close to neutral whereas the other person has a very strong feeling about it, it's probably possible to compromise, whereas it wouldn't be possible if both people felt strongly about it. They do all add up though, so I'd be aware of the "death by a thousand cuts" possibility where one person just decides that it's the straw that breaks the camel's back, even if it was a very small issue (like sunglasses ). H and I have an additional factor (and from what I've seen, we're not in the majority here) - for us, "no" always overrides "yes" unless the "no" person decides to change on their own accord. Respecting each others' autonomy and consent is a really, really core part of our relationship's foundation - we can state what we want, but if the other person decides not to, we do not ever push or apply pressure. Probably not common, and wouldn't work for many couples I imagine, but it has worked for us. Edited October 31, 2021 by Elswyth 3 1
Foxhall Posted October 31, 2021 Posted October 31, 2021 On 10/30/2021 at 7:27 AM, Alpaca said: What are some things you think might (or might not) be smart to compromise on in friendships, dating, or relationships? In terms of just friendships, I have found that actually not making compromises lends to getting more respect from the friends, in the past I used to try to please friends too much and they would be only laughing at me behind it " He doesnt know how to say No" my current friends- I tend to not bend over backwards for them- I only join in if it suits and funnily enough with this more offhand approach- I seem to have more genuine friends. Relationships are trickier perhaps- again with girlfriend I dont mind small compromises such as me doing more of the travelling or what movie we see, generally I am at my old approach with her- trying to keep her sweet I suppose, reducing my other female friendships, reducing gambling lol, making concessions on a lot of things that may bother her, I suppose the big compromise will be if I settle for not having child- in our early months a child seemed a real possibility, but not as much now- perhaps I still like her enough to go along with no child- but thats a big compromise. Perhaps if you like a person well enough you will make the compromises, but at same time one does not want to compromise their own dreams away. 1
Author Alpacalia Posted October 31, 2021 Author Posted October 31, 2021 1 hour ago, Foxhall said: In terms of just friendships, I have found that actually not making compromises lends to getting more respect from the friends, in the past I used to try to please friends too much and they would be only laughing at me behind it " He doesnt know how to say No" my current friends- I tend to not bend over backwards for them- I only join in if it suits and funnily enough with this more offhand approach- I seem to have more genuine friends. Well, I was like that too when I was younger but now I'm much quicker to tell them to "figure it out yourself." I guess though we all must be doing something right if we've made it this far we've been friends for so long. 1
Alvi Posted November 1, 2021 Posted November 1, 2021 I would say that in a relationship pretty much everything is a compromise. Well, maybe not whey you are just dating. But once you start living together, for sure. From who cooks to who does which chore at home. Who pays for what. Are you sleeping on the right or the left side of the bed. Pretty much anything and everything needs to be either negotiated or compromised. At least in my opinion. 21 hours ago, lovelessforum said: I will compromise as long as it's not at the detriment of my health. For sure! 1
mark clemson Posted November 1, 2021 Posted November 1, 2021 On 10/30/2021 at 12:24 PM, Alpaca said: So, "would this concession make me feel less than my genuine self?" seems like a good criteria to consider? Hard to say. One's "genuine self" can change over time IMO. So I'd say it depends on "how deep" the change might be and how comfortable you might be making it. CERTAINLY there would be SOME compromises that go against your current genuine self that shouldn't be made. So people above have mentioned "values" already, etc. E.g. if the compromise makes you feel queasy and/or like you'd be ashamed one day or simply "too great a change", it's definitely time to reconsider, etc. 2 1
OatsAndHall Posted November 1, 2021 Posted November 1, 2021 In my personal life, I tend to operate with one simple question in mind: "Does this truly matter?". I would say that 90% of situations that pop up don't matter and I don't even feel the need to compromise; I just go with the flow. My gf loves a local steak house; I find the food to be average and quite overpriced. In my formative years, I would've said "let's compromise" and go to a different steak house. Now, I just say, "It doesn't matter", we eat there regularly, I pick up the tab or we split it and it makes her happy. Making her happy absolutely "matters" so it's not even a discussion for me. Operating under this philosophy has made it easier for me to establish firm boundaries when I need to. People in my personal life recognize that I'm quite flexible and respect the few boundaries that I put in place. I'm not continually dickering over things that don't truly matter to me so it's clear when something is important. To be honest, I have people in my life who want to run everything through committee and it makes it hard to know what their true boundaries are and when they're just "compromising". Things are very different in my professional life. I set firm boundaries with my co-workers and I don't tend to "compromise". In the teaching profession, it's very easy to become inundated with tasks that fall outside of your contract if you don't say "no". I do my best to fly under the radar, do my job and be left alone. If the bosses ask something of me, I do it without complaint. Out side of that, leave me be to do my job. 3
Els Posted November 1, 2021 Posted November 1, 2021 (edited) 3 hours ago, mark clemson said: Hard to say. One's "genuine self" can change over time IMO. So I'd say it depends on "how deep" the change might be and how comfortable you might be making it. CERTAINLY there would be SOME compromises that go against your current genuine self that shouldn't be made. So people above have mentioned "values" already, etc. E.g. if the compromise makes you feel queasy and/or like you'd be ashamed one day or simply "too great a change", it's definitely time to reconsider, etc. True. Almost everyone organically changes over time. We often hear of couples growing apart - but it's also possible for them to naturally grow closer together. If the change happened SOLELY due to the partner, then that would probably be a yellow flag, but much of the time it can also happen due to growing older, being in a different life phase, mutual friends, moving to a new location, etc. Edited November 1, 2021 by Elswyth 2
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