Alpacalia Posted October 30, 2021 Posted October 30, 2021 (edited) What are some things you think might (or might not) be smart to compromise on in friendships, dating, or relationships? And, in your opinion, what is the most effective way to reach a compromise without feeling shortchanged? I made compromises in a previous relationship that I dislike now looking back (and I've been thinking about this topic in general). What are some things that you are adamant about not compromising on? Edited October 30, 2021 by Alpaca 1
glows Posted October 30, 2021 Posted October 30, 2021 This would result in long lists on either side but the answer is heavily dependant on lifestyle choices, values, belief systems and overall outlook on life. 4
smackie9 Posted October 30, 2021 Posted October 30, 2021 (edited) Our opinion on things change over time, where you are at in life. For example: before I would never relocate, move, sell my house for anyone. Now I'm really open to living somewhere else. I understand there are times we cave in to make someone happy or take a gamble. I wouldn't say that's a compromise, but more like a sacrifice. Edited October 30, 2021 by smackie9 4
Weezy1973 Posted October 30, 2021 Posted October 30, 2021 I think there’s a few ways to compromise, but generally it’s fine to compromise on small stuff (and most things are small stuff) but not on big stuff. Just remember that compromise is a two way street. Both parties aren’t getting exactly what they want. This could mean they choose the restaurant this time and you choose it next time. Or it could mean together you choose a restaurant you’re both okay with even if it isn’t either of your first choices. Or it could mean you each go separately to your preferred restaurant for dinner and then meet up for dessert. There are other dynamics as well. Some people are more easy going than others. One person might be a picky eater so has a very small list of restaurants they’ll go to while the other person doesn’t really care, as long as they’re able to eat together. Not feeling shortchanged is about two things. First, realizing that the other party is giving something up as well. And second is just realizing that everybody is different. Nobody is designed for our happiness. They’re going to have their own ideas, beliefs, preferences, idiosyncrasies etc. that make perfect sense to them. Just like you do. Neither is right or wrong. Like I said previously, you shouldn’t compromise on big things. For example having kids vs. not having kids. 4
bene Posted October 30, 2021 Posted October 30, 2021 I believe that compromise works with the non-essential stuff like what movie to watch, where to spend the weekend, what to make for dinner. It’s not reasonable to turn mundane everyday things into battleground. Compromise on fundamental things like having children, having an open relationship etc doesn’t work because one party would be unhappy anyway. In worst case everyone is unhappy if compromise is some sort of third option that neither actually wanted 1
Fox Sake Posted October 30, 2021 Posted October 30, 2021 I think if everyone involved is willing to compromise then there is no limit to what should be compromised on. If you truly care about someone and they truly care about you, then you do what you can to make each other happy. Ideally you just accept each other for everything that you are. If the positives outweigh the negatives and you can communicate openly and honestly with each other , without fear of retaliation and misunderstanding then there is no limit to what can be achieved between two people. That’s what I believe anyways 1
Blind-Sided Posted October 30, 2021 Posted October 30, 2021 It's really hard to answer this question because life in general, is a compromise. My marriage was a compromise. Where we lived, how many kids... and so on. On one hand... I don't regret any of that, because I was an adult, and I accepted it. On the other hand, I do regret it because the things I gave into, were belittled by her when I was being blamed for the world. (ie, she only looked at what she deemed bad, and gave no credit for everything she had) 1
elaine567 Posted October 30, 2021 Posted October 30, 2021 Problem is that although compromise is actually a two way street, "an agreement or settlement of a dispute that is reached by each side making concessions", so many find they have in reality had to "give in" or "give way", with very little "compromise" from the other party. 2
Happy Lemming Posted October 30, 2021 Posted October 30, 2021 6 hours ago, Alpaca said: I made compromises in a previous relationship that I dislike now looking back (and I've been thinking about this topic in general). Can you give some examples?? What did you compromise?? I know this sounds stupid but, I remember dating this one woman that didn't like my sunglasses. So, I purchased a different pair to shut her up. Unfortunately, once I acquiesced to that demand other items followed that she wanted to change about me, so I bailed. I think we all have a list of "deal breakers" that we will not compromise on. I'm also not a fan of someone trying to change me... take me as I am or dump me and let me find someone that will accept me - as-is. 3
Gaeta Posted October 30, 2021 Posted October 30, 2021 I would not compromise on something that goes against my core values, as for the rest everything is negociable. I agree with @smackie9 what I could compromise on has changed a great deal with the years. Now that I am older with more wisdom there are a lot of things I could compromise on that I would have never as a young wife. 2
Author Alpacalia Posted October 30, 2021 Author Posted October 30, 2021 1 hour ago, Happy Lemming said: Can you give some examples?? What did you compromise?? I know this sounds stupid but, I remember dating this one woman that didn't like my sunglasses. So, I purchased a different pair to shut her up. Unfortunately, once I acquiesced to that demand other items followed that she wanted to change about me, so I bailed. I think we all have a list of "deal breakers" that we will not compromise on. I'm also not a fan of someone trying to change me... take me as I am or dump me and let me find someone that will accept me - as-is. Sunglasses? Oh. Well, I guess that raises an important distinction between little and large compromises in the grand scheme of things. 1
Author Alpacalia Posted October 30, 2021 Author Posted October 30, 2021 1 hour ago, Gaeta said: I would not compromise on something that goes against my core values, as for the rest everything is negociable. I agree with @smackie9 what I could compromise on has changed a great deal with the years. Now that I am older with more wisdom there are a lot of things I could compromise on that I would have never as a young wife. Yes, I agree. I too think it definitely can change as time go on. Certain things don't seem as important now versus maybe a few years ago.
mark clemson Posted October 30, 2021 Posted October 30, 2021 (edited) If the compromise isn't "reasonable" to you then it should be looked at again - i.e. giving in vs. compromising as mentioned above. That's going to vary person to person and couple to couple. I think with a LT couple there are many day-to-day compromises that become ingrained to the point where one hardly notices them. Don't go to restaurants one really doesn't like or can't eat at as one example. Monogamy itself is a compromise for many if not most people. But it's the price one pays to be in a LTR. I think there's cases where compromises seem reasonable to maintain a relationship, BUT if the relationship then doesn't work out it's easy with hindsight to feel that one shouldn't have made them. But at the time, it seemed fine because one was working on establishing the parameters of (what was assumed to be) a lasting R. For example, you'd be ok with not eating Thai food at your favorite restaurant (or whatever) during the R, but then afterwards it closed and the R ended, so one ends up feeling like they missed out, but mostly that's in retrospect for some compromises. I don't think there is any hard and fast rule. Some folks find it easier to compromise than others + there are major things/"dealbreakers" that are going to vary from person to person (and at different times in one's life, as mentioned) as well. Edited October 30, 2021 by mark clemson 4
Alvi Posted October 30, 2021 Posted October 30, 2021 2 hours ago, Happy Lemming said: know this sounds stupid but, I remember dating this one woman that didn't like my sunglasses. So, I purchased a different pair to shut her up. Unfortunately, once I acquiesced to that demand other items followed that she wanted to change about me, so I bailed. I think we all have a list of "deal breakers" that we will not compromise on. I'm also not a fan of someone trying to change me... take me as I am or dump me and let me find someone that will accept me - as-is. I would bet you were not much into her to begin with. Or were looking a reason (could've been anything) to end things. Can't imagine a good stable relationship would end over something so little and insignificant. Unless she went on and on about not liking them up, that I can see. But if she only mentioned it one time? I once told a guy that I don't like men wearing pink shirt. He never wore one around me. He wore it when we were not together. Relationship didn't end just because I gave my opinion about not liking him wearing that said pink shirt.
Author Alpacalia Posted October 30, 2021 Author Posted October 30, 2021 Yeah I disliked an ex's beard because it was too ticklish so he'd just shave. And he hated that I sometimes listened to rap music so we'd have to change the channel. 1
Lotsgoingon Posted October 30, 2021 Posted October 30, 2021 (edited) I have my "rules" so to speak, my values that I don't want to compromise on. But these days, it's more important that I pay attention to how I feel with the person and pay attention ANY nagging discomfort or doubt in my body. I say "pay attention to my body" because my rational brain can, in the moment, come up with all kinds of evasive justifications for things that bother me. I've just found through trial and error and experience that any gut feeling (even when I don't understand it, even when my rational brain says "that's dumb") is amazingly accurate. On the other side, there is big role for my rational brain, especially when I seem to be falling hard and fast for someone who is very different. She lives in the Andromeda galaxy and I'm in the Milky Way, she gets up at 4 in the morning and I'm a night owl--no problem my body says when I'm infatuated. We can make that work. I make myself stop and think coldly about what I'm probably ignoring and missing--I make myself confront the problems of the huge differences (how the heck can I be happy with someone with a totally different sleep schedule?) I remind myself of how little I really know the person. And I can disrupt infatuation that way. Ultimately it comes down to the entirety of the experience with the person. One person can have a quality that on paper I hate and yes, I meet them and I don't feel comfortable. Another person can have that same quality that on paper I hate, but then they have other great qualities--or a package of qualities-- that diminish the problem of this one trait I don't like. Edited October 30, 2021 by Lotsgoingon 1
dramafreezone Posted October 30, 2021 Posted October 30, 2021 (edited) I don't think of it like that. For me to consider a serious relationship with someone, I must have the following: - Someone who is supportive - Someone who I find physically attractive - Someone who is agreeable Those are non-negotiables. I think you start with a short list of qualities that you cannot compromise on. Once the person fulfills those, then you move forward and see what happens. Edited October 30, 2021 by dramafreezone 1
dramafreezone Posted October 30, 2021 Posted October 30, 2021 (edited) 3 hours ago, Happy Lemming said: I know this sounds stupid but, I remember dating this one woman that didn't like my sunglasses. So, I purchased a different pair to shut her up. Unfortunately, once I acquiesced to that demand other items followed that she wanted to change about me, so I bailed. Some will take an inch and go a mile. That was just the first test with her, to see if you'd go a small change. Always starts off small. Then it turns into your shoes, then your entire outfit and so on. You were her Build-a-Bear. Edited October 30, 2021 by dramafreezone
ajequals Posted October 30, 2021 Posted October 30, 2021 Well every relationship is different And the same standards do not apply to all as a hard fault. I don't compromise on a persons honesty, truthfulness, If they are a angry person. Compromise would be base on if they compromise with me as nobody is perfect. I guess I try and blend.. Something I notice is people try and match in likes and dislikes, interests.. I don't thinks that's as important as how they make you feel ,How you light up around them. 2
Ami1uwant Posted October 30, 2021 Posted October 30, 2021 12 hours ago, Alpaca said: What are some things you think might (or might not) be smart to compromise on in friendships, dating, or relationships? And, in your opinion, what is the most effective way to reach a compromise without feeling shortchanged? I made compromises in a previous relationship that I dislike now looking back (and I've been thinking about this topic in general). What are some things that you are adamant about not compromising on? situational….different decisions if a friendship vs a relationship. I have some interest that I’m not sacrificing if I’m a relationship. I’d like to find someone who shares these. If it’s a friendship it’s not as important. with a friend we might have different styles or preferences that don’t matter in a friendship but would in a relationship.
Author Alpacalia Posted October 30, 2021 Author Posted October 30, 2021 3 hours ago, mark clemson said: If the compromise isn't "reasonable" to you then it should be looked at again - i.e. giving in vs. compromising as mentioned above. That's going to vary person to person and couple to couple. I think with a LT couple there are many day-to-day compromises that become ingrained to the point where one hardly notices them. Don't go to restaurants one really doesn't like or can't eat at as one example. Monogamy itself is a compromise for many if not most people. But it's the price one pays to be in a LTR. I think there's cases where compromises seem reasonable to maintain a relationship, BUT if the relationship then doesn't work out it's easy with hindsight to feel that one shouldn't have made them. But at the time, it seemed fine because one was working on establishing the parameters of (what was assumed to be) a lasting R. For example, you'd be ok with not eating Thai food at your favorite restaurant (or whatever) during the R, but then afterwards it closed and the R ended, so one ends up feeling like they missed out, but mostly that's in retrospect for some compromises. I don't think there is any hard and fast rule. Some folks find it easier to compromise than others + there are major things/"dealbreakers" that are going to vary from person to person (and at different times in one's life, as mentioned) as well. Thank you for your remarks, which have all been quite helpful (everyone else's too). So, "would this concession make me feel less than my genuine self?" seems like a good criteria to consider? 2
Happy Lemming Posted October 30, 2021 Posted October 30, 2021 3 hours ago, Alvi said: I would bet you were not much into her to begin with. Or were looking a reason (could've been anything) to end things. Can't imagine a good stable relationship would end over something so little and insignificant. Unless she went on and on about not liking them up, that I can see. But if she only mentioned it one time? I once told a guy that I don't like men wearing pink shirt. He never wore one around me. He wore it when we were not together. Relationship didn't end just because I gave my opinion about not liking him wearing that said pink shirt. She mentioned the sunglasses a few times, so I purchased a different pair, but that wasn't enough for her. She wanted me to change other things, wardrobe, etc. And that is when I ended it. I didn't want to be told what to wear, how to act, etc. If she would have stopped at the sunglasses, I would not have bailed on the relationship, but it didn't stop at the sunglasses. 1
Happy Lemming Posted October 30, 2021 Posted October 30, 2021 2 hours ago, dramafreezone said: Some will take an inch and go a mile. That was just the first test with her, to see if you'd go a small change. Always starts off small. Then it turns into your shoes, then your entire outfit and so on. You were her Build-a-Bear. Exactly... I like the "Build-a-Bear" comparison... And yes, if you gave an inch to this woman, she would take a mile. I imagine my car would have been next, then my home I was working on and so on... No thanks... I'm was out.
Wiseman2 Posted October 30, 2021 Posted October 30, 2021 My philosophy is: if it's no skin off my nose I don't care. However I would never change who I am. Had to laugh at Build-A-Bear. Yes, not going to be Ken in anyone's Barbie house. 1
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