It's complicated - insight needed

[Starswillshine]

30 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

No offence OP, but if cheating was against his morals he certainly wouldn’t have put you up front beside him in church…

100% this

[Wiseman2]

48 minutes ago, TamBuktu said:

I have every reason to believe two of them are not having any “deep” conversations and also she knows nothing about his whereabouts, past etc.

Of course you want to believe they have no relationship and nothing to talk about but the fact is they are married and live together as a married couple and family.

 Surely it hurts that he has an entire life that excludes you. It hurts when the reality pierces the bubble. Such as the void now when he goes home to his wife.

 This is your pain. But you created it. He doesn't feel it. He goes to a home and family every night. Something you long for .

[TamBuktu]

11 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Of course you want to believe they have no relationship and nothing to talk about but the fact is they are married and live together as a married couple and family.

 Surely it hurts that he has an entire life that excludes you. It hurts when the reality pierces the bubble. Such as the void now when he goes home to his wife.

 This is your pain. But you created it. He doesn't feel it. He goes to a home and family every night. Something you long for .

I have no reason to defend myself here. If I had any  suspicion "they" were a family unit, couple in love - I wouldn't be with him.

They are not.

It is a sham marriage with an elderly woman who resides in one of his properties and  occasionally "mothers" him.

He spends all his awake time with me.

Again, if the above is 100% it is true or not - I have ways to check. I have no "solid" proof as someone said but I have every reason to believe what I'm saying.

And really, the conversation would be so much more productive if I wasn't ripped apart for any and every mention of "wife".

My regret at this point is that I posted it in this part of the forum - because any other detail is fully getting shaded by "all MM do this", "all OW do that"... What was the point to share so many details if we get back to this over and over and ignore any objection that I have....

 

Edited November 18, 2021 by TamBuktu

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, TamBuktu said:

It is a sham marriage with an elderly woman who resides in one of his properties and  occasionally "mothers" him.

Then why does he have to go home every night? You are pretending he is not going home to her?

[TamBuktu]

53 minutes ago, RebeccaR said:

In that case, there’s no way we can offer any input because you know him best.

I could have shared any needed detail if we could stop making assumptions...

Anyway, I have one resolution of the day. I need the "solid proof" that people suggested I don't have. There is a way to get it and that will be my next step I think. If I am wrong, I'll own my mistake.

[TamBuktu]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

Then why does he have to go home every night? You are pretending he is not going home to her?

I don't know if he goes home or goes home to her. That's what I need to research actually.

Also - there are many reasons to go to one's house. I can't get in detail why but there are certain things in the house (besides her lol) that he needs to monitor.

[Wiseman2]

Just now, TamBuktu said:

 there are certain things in the house (besides her lol) that he needs to monitor.

Of course. They are a family and family men interact with the family and have responsibilities whatever they are around the house. Don't kid yourself, he's not going home to a cold empty house eating a frozen dinner alone in front of the TV.

[basil67]

3 minutes ago, TamBuktu said:

I could have shared any needed detail if we could stop making assumptions...

When it comes to analysing the feelings and motives of your AP, we (us and you) can only ever work on assumptions as none of us are in his head.   Given that a person's words can be lies or even self delusional, the only logical approach is to judge one by their actions.  

[TamBuktu]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Of course. They are a family and family men interact with the family and have responsibilities whatever they are around the house. Don't kid yourself, he's not going home to a cold empty house eating a frozen dinner alone in front of the TV.

No, of course not, he has dinner with me every night which we cook together.

I’m chuckling at the family comment- I’ll write something that would make sense but then is way too revealing detail…

[basil67]

4 minutes ago, TamBuktu said:

I don't know if he goes home or goes home to her. That's what I need to research actually.

Also - there are many reasons to go to one's house. I can't get in detail why but there are certain things in the house (besides her lol) that he needs to monitor.

If he NEEDS to monitor certain things in the house - as in, something will go bad if he's not there - how can he ever leave?    Thing is, he won't be able to leave until the thing he needs to monitor starts to take care of itself.

[BaileyB]

11 minutes ago, TamBuktu said:

I have no reason to defend myself here. If I had any  suspicion "they" were a family unit, couple in love - I wouldn't be with him.

They are a family unit, legally married. Whether they are happily married, sleep in the same bed, cook for each other, participate in hobbies together, visit with common family and/or friends - does not matter. Lots of people are unhappy, have their own interests, sleep in separate beds - they are still a “family unit.” 

You want to dismiss the fact because it is not convenient for you, but at the end of the day you can not deny the fact that she is his wife, they are legally married. 

He may come a visiting in the evening, but he leaves your bed every night to go home - to his wife. 

[BaileyB]

23 minutes ago, TamBuktu said:

My regret at this point is that I posted it in this part of the forum - because any other detail is fully getting shaded by "all MM do this", "all OW do that"... 

How can anyone offer meaningful advice without knowing the context of this relationship?

Quote

People in similar situations please share how it worked out.

This was your initial question - people in affairs, please tell me how you did it - how did you get it work out? 

Edited November 18, 2021 by BaileyB

[elaine567]

13 minutes ago, TamBuktu said:

It is a sham marriage with an elderly woman who resides in one of his properties and  occasionally "mothers" him.

Plenty people in their sixties have an active sex life.
He is after all almost 50 with a preference for older women, so it is quite possible they are having sex, so no sham...
Your cosy domestic evening routine may be blinding you to the fact he has a whole other life, one which you are not any part of.
 

[ExpatInItaly]

26 minutes ago, TamBuktu said:

It is a sham marriage with an elderly woman who resides in one of his properties and  occasionally "mothers" him.

He spends all his awake time with me.

I think he is already separated from her, but pretends to you that he is not because he doesn't have any intention of being with you full-time. 

It's convenient for him to lie to you so you don't expect more commitment than he is willing to offer you. He probably spends at least several of his nights with someone else altogether. Someone who is not his wife, and not you, either. 

The more you write, the more evident it becomes that you are in the dark about a lot of things regarding this man. 

Edited November 18, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[elaine567]

I get that people in affairs live in bubbles but how could you possibly not know whether the goes off to his wife at night or off to another bachelor  apartment, of off to his other OW, or off to wherever single guys hang out.
You have been very naïve here.
You have trusted the untrustworthy for 3 long years...

[ExpatInItaly]

10 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

This fact is the very foundation of your relationship. Any advice you received without this context would be pretty meaningless.

 

Yes, precisely. 

Falsely presenting it as a typical relationship would be pointless because that's not what this is. 

[elaine567]

7 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

The more you write, the more evident it becomes that you are in the dark about a lot of things regarding this man. 

Too true.

[TamBuktu]

1 minute ago, elaine567 said:

Too true.

Guys, I agree.

I am going to update later but just two things downed on me that I have been closing my eyes to for far too long.

First is I actually have a way to check what he really does at nights, and although I feel it’s breaching trust, I own it to myself to check… Because I can’t neither move on nor forward with him without knowing that.

Second is way worse. It has to do with spousal fiduciary responsibility. It’s something he has been hinting for a while but I thought it’s to keep me at arms length. If it’s true- our case is more complicated than it seems.

I guess since push came to shove with all discussions… maybe it’s the right time to get a bit more information and go from there…

 

[elaine567]

Get that will changed, leave it to the Cat and Dog home or some other worthy cause  but do not leave all your assets to a man you hardly know...
Do not give him an excuse to bump you off...
Stranger things have happened

[IrinaM]

He gaslights you when you bring up serious subject matter-- plays dumb, pretends he can't understand, or changes the something to something light. That is indicative of cowardice and manipulation. I know, I know, you think he's just so overwhelmed by his passion for you and longing for more that he "freezes up."

Look, even if this guy was single I would say "dump him."

[elaine567]

43 minutes ago, TamBuktu said:

Second is way worse. It has to do with spousal fiduciary responsibility. I

Not familiar with the law but does that mean you think he has been hiding his assets from his wife?

[IrinaM]

9 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Get that will changed, leave it to the Cat and Dog home or some other worthy cause  but do not leave all your assets to a man you hardly know...
Do not give him an excuse to bump you off...
Stranger things have happened

that's interesting you bring that up. i was just thinking of the Patti Adkins case.

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, TamBuktu said:

 

 

10 hours ago, TamBuktu said:

- I’ll write something that would make sense but .....

It seems not to be your style.blockquote widget

Edited November 19, 2021 by Wiseman2

[ufo8mycat]

10 hours ago, TamBuktu said:

econd is way worse. It has to do with spousal fiduciary responsibility. It’s something he has been hinting for a while but I thought it’s to keep me at arms length. If it’s true- our case is more complicated than it seems.

Why are you surprised by this? This is a man that is neither truthful or forthcoming. He picks and chooses his conversation. He is not honest - he is slippery. 

 

This is a man you can't be your authentic self around. You need to be cheerful, to be picked. 

 

Would you be surprised if he is bending his wife over financially? IN my country the courts take a very dim view of this. 

 

But he is totally upfront. honest and truthful with you? 

 

I am new to the thread but you come across as curious, genuine and insightful. You are worth far more than this man is offering. You  deserve honesty, authenticity. to share your ambitions and plans. 

 

At the same time. I have a harbour bridge that you should buy, its really awesome, great view, no ties or wives. 

 

 

[ufo8mycat]

12 hours ago, TamBuktu said:

t is a sham marriage with an elderly woman who resides in one of his properties and  occasionally "mothers" him.

Why do you feel the need to disparage his wife? Why do you want to insult her?  She has done nothing wrong. Does it really make you feel more secure in your relationship with this man? 

it may be sham, it may be unfulling, yet he stays. Yet he has financial ties. If it was so unfulfilling he would just leave, yes? 
 

This is a man who, by your own reporting has never made a decision or action under his own volition. For Whatever reason, he is a passenger in his life.

that’s on  him, all the best in thinking he will change a life long pattern to choose you. More - I hope you choose yourself. The only person feeling secure here is him. It’s no way to live.