It's complicated - insight needed

[TamBuktu]

9 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

What were the circumstances?

She was terminally ill and this was her choice for him.. that's all i know

[TamBuktu]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Of course not. You're standing right there. When you're not around is when they would ask about his wife and what is he doing with you.

In that setting many of them don't associate me with him at all, otherwise I would agree

[RebeccaR]

1 minute ago, TamBuktu said:

She was terminally ill and this was her choice for him.. that's all i know

I’d assume the first half of the sentence is true, i’d be more skeptical about the second half. Remember John Edwards?

[TamBuktu]

11 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I wasn't talking about you, I was talking about his wife.

Ok, I mentioned earlier she depends on him but I think it's more in terms of services than financially.

She can easily pay her way, if she wants to

[elaine567]

Just now, TamBuktu said:

She was terminally ill and this was her choice for him.. that's all i know

So if he was in an open relationship, he took her up on the offer... Hmm...
Some guys wouldn't have.

[RebeccaR]

1 minute ago, TamBuktu said:

In that setting many of them don't associate me with him at all, otherwise I would agree

I thought it was an open secret and his sister knows the situation - word gets around 

[TamBuktu]

1 minute ago, RebeccaR said:

I’d assume the first half of the sentence is true, i’d be more skeptical about the second half. Remember John Edwards?

Nah, he was so determined to help her, still helping her kids to this day.. I doubt he would even be in John Edwards type of scenario, for things like this he is beyond responsible

[TamBuktu]

2 minutes ago, RebeccaR said:

I thought it was an open secret and his sister knows the situation - word gets around 

That's my guess but then most people here thought I am wrong about word going around (in context of BW knowing...)

[elaine567]

3 minutes ago, TamBuktu said:

he was so determined to help her,

How is sleeping with other women helping her?

3 minutes ago, TamBuktu said:

still helping her kids to this day..

Guilt maybe 

Edited November 8, 2021 by elaine567

[TamBuktu]

3 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

So if he was in an open relationship, he took her up on the offer... Hmm...
Some guys wouldn't have.

I know. Trust me I still don't understand this mommy dynamics he used to get himself into. Even to this day he is acting very submissively with our common older friends and not the younger ones. I just can't explain it and can't find words to describe it.

[TamBuktu]

Just now, elaine567 said:

How is sleeping with other women helping her?

Guilt maybe 

Obviously with other things. It's a very old story I don't know too many details

I doubt it he'll go that long way for 2 decades out of guilt. The other thing he told me (and I have all reasons to believe) is I'm the fist one he shared that with. It's kind of undercover help.

[RebeccaR]

The amount of red flags this man is waving is stunningly hard to swallow. I’d almost think he’s telling you all this (even if true) to scare you off from viewing him as a potential legitimate partner. He’s probably mystified as to why you are still seeing him as future husband material.

Edited November 8, 2021 by RebeccaR
typo

[elaine567]

6 minutes ago, TamBuktu said:

I know. Trust me I still don't understand this mommy dynamics he used to get himself into. Even to this day he is acting very submissively with our common older friends and not the younger ones. I just can't explain it and can't find words to describe it.

So you think he was kind of railroaded into sleeping with other women, by his terminally ill partner???

 

[RebeccaR]

Has he ever asked you if you are seeing other men, or reacted jealously to the idea of you having male friends? Does he ask about boyfriends or male coworkers? Does he expect exclusivity from you or has he never mentioned it? Some MM want exclusivity, some actually encourage their single OWs to date, and some don’t seem to care one way or another. What does your MM think about the idea of you socializing with other men? Angry, jealous, positive, excited, neutral?

[TamBuktu]

1 minute ago, RebeccaR said:

Has he ever asked you if you are seeing other men, or reacted jealously to the idea of you having male friends? Does he ask about boyfriends or male coworkers? Does he expect exclusivity from you or has he never mentioned it? Some MM want exclusivity, some actually encourage their single OWs to date, and some don’t seem to care one way or another. What does your MM think about the idea of you socializing with other men? Angry, jealous, positive, excited, neutral?

Neutral. 
But he also has no doubts I am exclusive with him.

[BaileyB]

Oh goodness, now we have “his wife is terminally ill and she told him to find another relationship…” Seriously?

16 minutes ago, TamBuktu said:

The other thing he told me (and I have all reasons to believe) is I'm the fist one he shared that with.

And you no doubt took this disclosure as yet another sign that it is meant to be…

 

[TamBuktu]

9 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

So you think he was kind of railroaded into sleeping with other women, by his terminally ill partner???

 

I don't think it was that much about sex, more like dating. My take is she knew she can't offer him what he wants (marriage, family) so she encouraged him to go elsewhere, but he was choosing her over and over anyways

[TamBuktu]

Just now, BaileyB said:

Oh goodness, now we have “his wife is terminally ill and she told him to find another relationship…” Seriously?

And you no doubt took this disclosure as yet another sign that it is meant to be…

 

No, not his wife. I am talking for a different person from his past

[elaine567]

Just now, TamBuktu said:

I don't think it was that much about sex, more like dating. My take is she knew she can't offer him what he wants (marriage, family) so she encouraged him to go elsewhere, but he was choosing her over and over anyways

An "open relationship" as he described the arrangement is always about sex...

[TamBuktu]

15 minutes ago, RebeccaR said:

The amount of red flags this man is waving is stunningly hard to swallow. I’d almost think he’s telling you all this (even if true) to scare you off from viewing him as a potential legitimate partner. He’s probably mystified as to why you are still seeing him as future husband material.

He acted like he didn't expect I am seeing him this way but he's incredibly happy I do. I thought he lied lol.

I don't see them as red flags but as parts of his history, that's all.

[TamBuktu]

1 minute ago, elaine567 said:

An "open relationship" as he described the arrangement is always about sex...

Not always haha. I can't explain once again why I am saying that (too many disclosures) but I have every reason to believe wasn't about sex.

Edited November 8, 2021 by TamBuktu

[elaine567]

Just now, TamBuktu said:

Not always haha. I can't explain once again why I am saying that (too many disclosures) but I have every reason to believe wasn't about sex.

This is not the first time you have hinted something similar about him...
Can he actually have sex? 
Get an erection/ejaculate?

[RebeccaR]

2 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

This is not the first time you have hinted something similar about him...
Can he actually have sex? 
Get an erection/ejaculate?

He clearly produced the semen sample for IVF fertilization so I would assume so

[TamBuktu]

6 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

This is not the first time you have hinted something similar about him...
Can he actually have sex? 
Get an erection/ejaculate?

Guys, he’s sexually fine (physically) but his preferences and ways to approach are atypical. That’s all. 

[RebeccaR]

13 minutes ago, TamBuktu said:

He acted like he didn't expect I am seeing him this way but he's incredibly happy I do.

So he is flattered by your devotion but he hasn’t stated he wants the same, or maybe he has but describes so many roadblocks that he clearly doesn’t