RebeccaR Posted November 18, 2021 Share Posted November 18, 2021 12 minutes ago, TamBuktu said: Yes. Either this, or he is hoping for guidance or push from others. I did ask him and his answer was he wants to immerse me in his world. Shall I believe him? Maybe he wanted you immersed, but didn’t foresee people asking questions. I assume you don’t attend as a couple. It could be anything, don’t read too much into this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TamBuktu Posted November 18, 2021 Author Share Posted November 18, 2021 6 minutes ago, RebeccaR said: Have you considered his wife might be engineering things? Maybe she is directing him to immerse you, and to sneakily get you to make him your beneficiary. Maybe it’s a situation where she’s sexually turned on knowing he’s with another woman. There are a lot of possibilities. I am very confident it’s not the case. I mentioned before I know her. He’s “slippery” with me like someone said but it’s way worse with anyone else. I’m speaking from direct observations. The estate planning is something that I don’t want to discuss further but just to reiterate- has nothing, absolutely nothing to do with him. It’s a grudge that I have with a relative that I won’t discuss here- all that matters it’s nothing to do with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TamBuktu Posted November 18, 2021 Author Share Posted November 18, 2021 6 minutes ago, RebeccaR said: Maybe he wanted you immersed, but didn’t foresee people asking questions. I assume you don’t attend as a couple. It could be anything, don’t read too much into this. If that’s so, it’s a lack of proper evaluation of the circumstances from him end. That’s very possible. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TamBuktu Posted November 18, 2021 Author Share Posted November 18, 2021 8 minutes ago, RebeccaR said: You are nearly hysterical when you think you may have lost him, yet you describe your relationship with him as a want, not a need. You say you are running out of time to have kids and the time situation is urgent, then you reverse and say there’s plenty of time. Just 2 examples. Ok. I can explain that. I motivate myself by overstating emotions. It’s my way to stay focused and on point (yes, bad coping mechanism). When you read at actual timelines and details- I’ve been consistent - urgent=year, anxiety=aftermath from bad conversation. Im sidetracking again but I’ve been into worse (way, way, way worse) situations and people will flat out tell me “you’ll fail, you can’t cope”. So far, this has never proven to be true. Hope it stays that way.. Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted November 18, 2021 Share Posted November 18, 2021 You are over thinking things. You are trying to take meaning from some of his actions since he has never been clear on anything. I get it. Introducing you to family and asking you to attend his church may be nothing. Might be something like he likes being naughty (some guys get off on taking these sorts of chances). Many OW read this as he does not care if he gets caught thus he must really love her and want to be with her. Many of those OW are disappointed to know that isn't the case. Especially when a D-Day comes around. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TamBuktu Posted November 18, 2021 Author Share Posted November 18, 2021 8 minutes ago, Starswillshine said: You are over thinking things. You are trying to take meaning from some of his actions since he has never been clear on anything. I get it. Introducing you to family and asking you to attend his church may be nothing. Might be something like he likes being naughty (some guys get off on taking these sorts of chances). Many OW read this as he does not care if he gets caught thus he must really love her and want to be with her. Many of those OW are disappointed to know that isn't the case. Especially when a D-Day comes around. You’re right I’m overthinking because he shares too little. But it also fits his style to get caught (circumstances) vs do something (intentional action). I still believe we have very solid connection besides the obvious hurdles. Otherwise yes, it appears doomed. If I’m right about our connection though- things can be turned around. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 18, 2021 Share Posted November 18, 2021 What kind of a connection do you have if he shares so little and he can't talk to you about one of the most important things in your life. Like so many MM he is essentially selfish. He is getting what he wants out of you, but is deliberately blind to your needs and wants. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TamBuktu Posted November 18, 2021 Author Share Posted November 18, 2021 23 minutes ago, elaine567 said: What kind of a connection do you have if he shares so little and he can't talk to you about one of the most important things in your life. Like so many MM he is essentially selfish. He is getting what he wants out of you, but is deliberately blind to your needs and wants. I’d just say so many people, married or not, are selfish. This is no exception. Yeah the true colors will shine once we get fully open to each other. I’ve been holding back a lot of things as well. Yet he’s the person I’ve been most open to. Maybe it’s the same with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted November 18, 2021 Share Posted November 18, 2021 3 hours ago, TamBuktu said: He clinged on the irrelevant side track ignoring the main conversation. What was the irrelevant sidetrack? Was it relevant to him or related to your topic? What, exactly, was your topic? Divorce his wife? Marry you? Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted November 18, 2021 Share Posted November 18, 2021 I think he has you exactly where he wants you. No closer. He is keeping you in your place, OP. That's why he doens't share. You're not truly in his inner world - you exist only in his escapist life. Not his real, true heart and mind. He doesn't want you in there. 3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TamBuktu Posted November 18, 2021 Author Share Posted November 18, 2021 3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: What was the irrelevant sidetrack? Was it relevant to him or related to your topic? What, exactly, was your topic? Divorce his wife? Marry you? The irrelevant side track was a specific event that I wanted to go together to. The pain topic was we are entering the new year without a resolution of his problem, and how I feel about this. He stuck on the event topic and how he would solve that and avoided the bigger topic. D or M were not directly mentioned from either side. From this description - did I just led the conversation in misleading way, or was he acting dumb? My point wasn't to insist on D, just to bring him up to speak up what he think about this and how it makes me feel. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TamBuktu Posted November 18, 2021 Author Share Posted November 18, 2021 1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said: I think he has you exactly where he wants you. No closer. He is keeping you in your place, OP. That's why he doens't share. You're not truly in his inner world - you exist only in his escapist life. Not his real, true heart and mind. He doesn't want you in there. I thought about it earlier, I thought who might know his real inner world - and from all people in his life currently - I don't think there is one. Otherwise I would have found a way to speak to them, but there is literally nobody he confides to. I know the response will be I'm delusional, that's not true, he speaks to his wife, siblings, whatever. But I am very very confident in what I'm saying here, so let's keep the discussion under that assumption. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted November 18, 2021 Share Posted November 18, 2021 (edited) 11 minutes ago, TamBuktu said: The irrelevant side track was a specific event that I wanted to go together to. The pain topic was we are entering the new year without a resolution of his problem, and how I feel about this. What "problem"? His marriage? That is your problem not his. That's why he keeps it light and fluffy because if he wants real or pragmatic conversation regarding the future he has his wife to talk to. He doesn't resort to games and riddles with his wife because he respects her and they have to talk about real things. . Mistresses are for light and fluffy feel-good bubbles, not heavy talk....that's for the wife. He is steering you a exactly where he wants you to be. That's why you are afraid to rock the boat and voice your needs as a women, as a person. Edited November 18, 2021 by Wiseman2 5 Link to post Share on other sites
notbroken Posted November 18, 2021 Share Posted November 18, 2021 If you want a kid then you better hurry up and do it with someone else. This guy is already married, doesn't want to divorce his wife (or he would), has plenty of excuses why he won't, etc. If he really wanted a kid with you he'd find a way. You've wasted plenty of time on him already. If you really want him, tell him now or never (which may be never - but then you didn't have him any way). Frankly, I'm not sure why you'd want this guy. He is a proven liar and cheat that won't commit to you. Even if you did somehow end up with him you could never trust him as you would then be the wife he was cheating on. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 18, 2021 Share Posted November 18, 2021 2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Mistresses are for light and fluffy feel-good bubbles, not heavy talk....that's for the wife Yes Tam That is how you say you have presented yourself from the beginning. Now you want to get serious, he is sweeping you aside. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TamBuktu Posted November 18, 2021 Author Share Posted November 18, 2021 13 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: What "problem"? His marriage? That is your problem not his. That's why he keeps it light and fluffy because if he wants real or pragmatic conversation regarding the future he has his wife to talk to. He doesn't resort to games and riddles with his wife because he respects her and they have to talk about real things. . Mistresses are for light and fluffy feel-good bubbles, not heavy talk....that's for the wife. He is steering you a exactly where he wants you to be. That's why you are afraid to rock the boat and voice your needs as a women, as a person. With all respect, how do you know that? Or is that just the “general truth”? If so, I know that. In my particular case- I have every reason to believe two of them are not having any “deep” conversations and also she knows nothing about his whereabouts, past etc. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TamBuktu Posted November 18, 2021 Author Share Posted November 18, 2021 10 minutes ago, elaine567 said: Yes Tam That is how you say you have presented yourself from the beginning. Now you want to get serious, he is sweeping you aside. I don’t show him my “dark” feelings and like to be light and cheerful with him (for my own enjoyment too lol, my job etc is far too serious to enjoy fluffy conversations) but I’m as far from light and fluffy as it gets, I don’t think there is a doubt in his head about it Link to post Share on other sites
Author TamBuktu Posted November 18, 2021 Author Share Posted November 18, 2021 15 minutes ago, notbroken said: If you want a kid then you better hurry up and do it with someone else. This guy is already married, doesn't want to divorce his wife (or he would), has plenty of excuses why he won't, etc. If he really wanted a kid with you he'd find a way. You've wasted plenty of time on him already. If you really want him, tell him now or never (which may be never - but then you didn't have him any way). Frankly, I'm not sure why you'd want this guy. He is a proven liar and cheat that won't commit to you. Even if you did somehow end up with him you could never trust him as you would then be the wife he was cheating on. That’s the assumption I’m working with (yes I know what I’d hear back- I would never say it if I didn’t firmly believe it): - he’s not a cheater by nature - current situation he’s at is a nightmare causing him to go against his morals Lets just take it for face value. I’m the one that communicates with him and knows him best. Link to post Share on other sites
RebeccaR Posted November 18, 2021 Share Posted November 18, 2021 5 minutes ago, TamBuktu said: Lets just take it for face value. I’m the one that communicates with him and knows him best. In that case, there’s no way we can offer any input because you know him best. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted November 18, 2021 Share Posted November 18, 2021 Face value is that If his current situation (I assume you mean his marriage) is a nightmare, he'd leave. And if cheating was against his morals, he would not have done it. Respectfully, you don't know the truth. Even if he is trying to be honest, there is always three sides to every story - his side, her side and the truth. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 18, 2021 Share Posted November 18, 2021 3 hours ago, TamBuktu said: He’s “slippery” with me like someone said but it’s way worse with anyone else. You are not special. If he is “slippery” with everyone else, he will be “slippery” with you too. Just because you may not have seen or understood this for what it is, does not mean that it doesn’t happen. This is the classic other woman - sure, he lies and cheats on his wife but with me - well, he loves me more and he would never do this to me… Think again. Again, people are who they are - they are not one way with one person and another way with another. Not when it comes to personality traits and character flaws. One can only hide these things or behave differently for so long before, under a certain circumstance, it always come out… 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 18, 2021 Share Posted November 18, 2021 5 minutes ago, basil67 said: And if cheating was against his morals, he would not have done it. No offence OP, but if cheating was against his morals he certainly wouldn’t have put you up front beside him in church… 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted November 18, 2021 Share Posted November 18, 2021 32 minutes ago, TamBuktu said: I have every reason to believe two of them are not having any “deep” conversations and also she knows nothing about his whereabouts, past etc. This is indeed delusional thinking, yes. You are not in their house with them and have no idea what they talk about. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 18, 2021 Share Posted November 18, 2021 19 minutes ago, BaileyB said: If he is “slippery” with everyone else, he will be “slippery” with you too. He is slippery with her too. She knows that, but choses to defend anyway He deflected her "pain topic" talk today and made it about something else, which is not uncommon supposedly. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 18, 2021 Share Posted November 18, 2021 43 minutes ago, TamBuktu said: - I have every reason to believe two of them are not having any “deep” conversations and also she knows nothing about his whereabouts, past etc. Yes every reason to believe, but no proof. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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