Lolalita Posted October 27, 2021 Posted October 27, 2021 Hi everyone, Last year I met a guy through our hobby and very soon, we became closer to each other. In a friendly manner, nothing weird going in. This culminated in grabbing a drink together weekly, in which we both caught romantic feelings for each other. At one point, he declared he had feelings for me, that he would like to be with me and that he's no longer happy in his relationship. His GF has a daughter, but they don't have kids together. I told him that I could only give it a serious chance if he would be single. Pretty soon, he decided to break up with her. He told me through text that he broke up with her. That he was very clear in what he wanted but that he needed time to end everything well and to process their break. That he fully stands behind his decision to break up, but that he still is a bit unstable in his feelings. That he's busy processing it all and that his emotions are all over. That he knows that that will solve itself, but that it's needs some time for him to be 'fresh and totally happy'again. Since then, he's been more distant (it has been a few days ago since he broke up with her). I want to give him space, but we only communicatie once every few days now, where this used to be several times a day. When we talk, its nice and he tells me that he's looking forward to see me again, but that he only wants to do that when he's ready for it again. And that's where my nervousness comes in; is it 'normal' to postpone seeing someone you claim to be in love with to process a break of a relationship in which you said you where not happy to begin with? Should I relax and just give him as much time as he needs? I play it cool towards him, saying that he should take his time, that we'll meet again when he's ready. But, it kind of makes me anxious that he doesnt want to meet for our usual weekly drink now (for example). He says he wants to do that again when he's totally ready for it and has processed the break with his GF. What do you think? Is this normal or am I being played?
Wiseman2 Posted October 27, 2021 Posted October 27, 2021 2 minutes ago, Lolalita said: He told me through text that he broke up with her. Do they live together? He was already trying hard to cheat on her by coming onto you. What's the prize here? A cheater/liar? Run. 2
Author Lolalita Posted October 27, 2021 Author Posted October 27, 2021 1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said: Do they live together? He was already trying hard to cheat on her by coming onto you. What's the prize here? A cheater/liar? Run. Yes, they do. He's claiming that he is working on a settlement and deviding stuff etc. I don't see him as a price. To be honest, I thougth he is a nice and attractive guy and we click very well, but I had never expected him to break up with his GF
stillafool Posted October 27, 2021 Posted October 27, 2021 He may be waiting to see if he and his gf are going to get back together and if not, he will get with you.
Wiseman2 Posted October 27, 2021 Posted October 27, 2021 (edited) 11 minutes ago, Lolalita said: Yes, they do. Ok then it's bull. They are still together. Hopefully you have your own social life and other friends, interests etc.. Don't fall for the "we're like roommates", "we're emotionally separated" stuff. It would be best to place him in the acquaintance basket at best and start talking to and meeting decent single men who don't prowl bars looking to cheat on live-in GFs with what they perceive as easy targets. Edited October 27, 2021 by Wiseman2
Author Lolalita Posted October 27, 2021 Author Posted October 27, 2021 8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Ok then it's bull. They are still together. Hopefully you have your own social life and other friends, interests etc.. Don't fall for the "we're like roommates", "we're emotionally separated" stuff. It would be best to place him in the acquaintance basket at best and start talking to and meeting decent single men who don't prowl bars looking to cheat on live-in GFs with what they perceive as easy targets. Yes, I understand what you're saying, but he's not saying 'we're roommates' or anything like that. He flat out said he broke with her this week bc he isnt happy anymore. And that now, they are deviding their stuff etc, bc he wants a clean break. He then wants some time to process the break, so that he can freshly start with me. That's what he says
Wiseman2 Posted October 27, 2021 Posted October 27, 2021 19 minutes ago, Lolalita said: He flat out said he broke with her this week bc he isnt happy anymore. And that now, they are deviding their stuff etc, His GF told you this? Or is it hearsay from him? It's un clear why you would chase someone who lives with his GF.
elaine567 Posted October 27, 2021 Posted October 27, 2021 Something isn't right here. Not sure what it is, but it is not looking good for you IMO. Going distant and cancelling your weekly drink, sounds like she found out and he is laying low. Or now he has got it out in the open, he is a free man and doesn't really need you any more... Who knows? It could be literally anything but "processing" I do not buy. 2
glows Posted October 27, 2021 Posted October 27, 2021 1 hour ago, Lolalita said: When we talk, its nice and he tells me that he's looking forward to see me again, but that he only wants to do that when he's ready for it again. I think it's best to pepper up your outtings and hang outs with other friends. He's not in a place to date someone new. If he was living with her or separating, their lives were entwined. If you care about him then give him space and don't push this. As a friend be glad for him that he left a relationship in which he wasn't happy. Knowing you might have been a catalyst, him realizing that he wasn't happy. That's all that's going on at the moment. Him leaving his gf has nothing to do with you or any special feelings. In the stark light of day, he has to deal with the practicalities of being single and disentangling himself from his last relationship. 2
stillafool Posted October 27, 2021 Posted October 27, 2021 1 hour ago, Lolalita said: Yes, I understand what you're saying, but he's not saying 'we're roommates' or anything like that. He flat out said he broke with her this week bc he isnt happy anymore. And that now, they are deviding their stuff etc, bc he wants a clean break. He then wants some time to process the break, so that he can freshly start with me. That's what he says What is there to process? They've obviously already processed the fact that they do not want to be together and have broken up. If he has moved out didn't he take his stuff with him? Hasn't he already made a clean break by moving out and breaking up? It's done, kaput. He should be beating down your door at this point and can't wait to be with you. Not putting you on a back burner.
balletomane Posted October 27, 2021 Posted October 27, 2021 5 minutes ago, stillafool said: He should be beating down your door at this point and can't wait to be with you. Not putting you on a back burner. If he had done this then people on here would quite rightly have wondered if he was monkey-branching or just looking for a bit of rebound fun. Wanting to avoid dating for a while after you've just broken up with a partner you lived with seems reasonable enough to me. He could be lying about his situation, but whether he's lying or the truthful, the result is the same for OP: he doesn't want to date. Don't get your hopes up, OP, and don't wait around for him. Just live your life and see what happens. 5
Alvi Posted October 27, 2021 Posted October 27, 2021 Are you talking and going out with other guys? Because if not, you definitely should be. Don't wait for him till he is finally ready. If you are still single by the time that he wants to date you, then go on a date with him. But don't put your life on a backburner for him. Go date others too in a meantime. 3
smackie9 Posted October 27, 2021 Posted October 27, 2021 (edited) The guy is probably gonna fall back and be with his GF again. Once it becomes real, they panic. I wouldn't hold my breath. plus why would you want to be with a guy that cheats in order to deal with issues at home. Guy is a loser. Edited October 27, 2021 by smackie9 1
JRabbit Posted October 27, 2021 Posted October 27, 2021 Is it possible he now feels free and thinks that hey, this freedom isn't all that bad? Maybe he wants to date around now that he was able to become single?
lana-banana Posted October 27, 2021 Posted October 27, 2021 (edited) Give it time. I see no reason to think he's a cheater. If you fall for someone else while dating somebody, breaking up is the right thing to do. My husband and I both left serious relationships to be together; he was living with her, I didn't live with my boyfriend. After our breakups we saw each other sporadically and we took things very, very slowly so as not to make a bigger mess than we already had. And that was in our mid-20s with no kids involved. Focus on yourself for now. If he's serious, you'll know. Edited October 27, 2021 by lana-banana 3
ExpatInItaly Posted October 27, 2021 Posted October 27, 2021 4 hours ago, Lolalita said: He flat out said he broke with her this week bc he isnt happy anymore. Which may or may not be true. Perhaps she found out about you and she dumped him. And maybe that is not actually what he wanted, so he's back-pedalling now and distancing himself from you as he tries to get her back. I am not sure I would buy his version of this break-up. 1
dramafreezone Posted October 27, 2021 Posted October 27, 2021 5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Do they live together? He was already trying hard to cheat on her by coming onto you. What's the prize here? A cheater/liar? Run. But he didn't, at least that's not what I get from what she wrote. Not fair to call him a cheater if he didn't cross that line of physical intimacy. That said no reason to jump into something with this guy when there's a risk of a rebound.
IrinaM Posted October 28, 2021 Posted October 28, 2021 i see evidence to believe this man is a liar and a snake: evidence 1. the weekly drinks with a female friend who he accidentally caught feelings for, oh and declared feelings for, very disrespectful to his girlfriend evidence 2. living with his girlfriend while claiming to be broken up, likely a lie evidence 3. placing importance on bs stuff like "processing feelings" and "dividing possessions." these are not your problems and not things you should care about. my advice: don't see this man until he literally moves out of this shared space with his gf. seriously. you are on a slippery "other woman" slope. this is such textbook classic bs given to an other woman-- "i'm about to really move out, i just have this excuse for now, oh and also my relationship that I'm in shouldn't count because i'm only there for (fill in the obligation)." 2
Author Lolalita Posted October 28, 2021 Author Posted October 28, 2021 OK, I'll give you all an unpdate; he moved out, he's currently living at a friend for a while (i know this friend and he also told me) and will visit a possible apartment tomorrow. He send me mulptiple elaborate texts yesterday, in which he specified on the details. We called for over an hour today again, on his initiative. Their split is 'definite'. She had a son which he had a father-figurerole for in all these years they were together. He still feels sad for this kid, bc of the hurt he's caused for him. Though, he feels relieved that he ended things with her. She accepts their split, but since she has an auto-immunedisease which flames up in periods of stress, he at first was fearful that this would flame up again. That doesnt seem to happen. He says that he is realllllllly into me. That he can't wait to see me again. That, when we meet he wants to be fully present, and that he's alsmost there. He says he's feeling better every day. He's also told his family about their split and that he met me. I think he's genuine, and I believe that they've splitted. But somewhere, I'm kind off disappointed that he wants to wait just a little while before we meet. Doesnt seem like he's head over heels, as he claims to be. But I dont want to be pushy, so I didnt told him how I feel about that. Maybe I should just give him some time and be patient.
spiderowl Posted October 28, 2021 Posted October 28, 2021 (edited) On 10/27/2021 at 3:41 PM, Lolalita said: Hi everyone, Last year I met a guy through our hobby and very soon, we became closer to each other. In a friendly manner, nothing weird going in. This culminated in grabbing a drink together weekly, in which we both caught romantic feelings for each other. At one point, he declared he had feelings for me, that he would like to be with me and that he's no longer happy in his relationship. His GF has a daughter, but they don't have kids together. I told him that I could only give it a serious chance if he would be single. Pretty soon, he decided to break up with her. He told me through text that he broke up with her. That he was very clear in what he wanted but that he needed time to end everything well and to process their break. That he fully stands behind his decision to break up, but that he still is a bit unstable in his feelings. That he's busy processing it all and that his emotions are all over. That he knows that that will solve itself, but that it's needs some time for him to be 'fresh and totally happy'again. Since then, he's been more distant (it has been a few days ago since he broke up with her). I want to give him space, but we only communicatie once every few days now, where this used to be several times a day. When we talk, its nice and he tells me that he's looking forward to see me again, but that he only wants to do that when he's ready for it again. And that's where my nervousness comes in; is it 'normal' to postpone seeing someone you claim to be in love with to process a break of a relationship in which you said you where not happy to begin with? Should I relax and just give him as much time as he needs? I play it cool towards him, saying that he should take his time, that we'll meet again when he's ready. But, it kind of makes me anxious that he doesnt want to meet for our usual weekly drink now (for example). He says he wants to do that again when he's totally ready for it and has processed the break with his GF. What do you think? Is this normal or am I being played? It sounds a bit odd, I must admit. At a guess, he has broken up with his girlfriend (or she broke up with him) and now he is reconsidering that and trying to get back with her. This would explain him saying his emotions were all over the place - though one would expect that to be the case anyway if breaking up after a long and committed relationship. Obviously, we don't know, but I do think it's suspicious that he apparently wanted out of his relationship but is taking time out on his own. He may not have broken up at all, for all we know. Tread carefully and make sure you have all the facts (and preferably someone who can corroborate them) before you leap into a relationship with him. Edited October 28, 2021 by spiderowl
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