joeyyxo Posted October 27, 2021 Posted October 27, 2021 (edited) Probably from anyone else's perspective, this whole thing could be chalked up to just an intense high school crush. If I weren't me, I would dismiss it as that too but boy does it hurt [ ] and I don't know why I'm not over it yet. Basically, I'm 18 and a freshman in college but still find myself thinking about (lets just call him Cameron) who I met 2 years ago back in our sophomore year. He was one of the first people I met when I transferred high schools and off the bat, I did not like him. I remember the first thing he ever said to me which was in class, "Do you sit in your room and study all day?" when he saw how much I'd written for a homework assignment even though that was quite literally, the first time we met. Since then, we developed this frenemies type dynamic that pretty much never changed for the next year and a half. I truly did not like him as a person at all at first because he would always give me crap, just immature 15 year old boy stuff. I'm not sure when my feelings changed but I started hating him less and the snarking at each other finally died down a bit. Thing is, at this point, I knew I was starting to like him (God knows why lmao) because instead of wanting to kill him, I wanted to kiss him. But every time we were alone together, instead of trying some playful flirting, my dumbass with no game would say something like "you're so annoying cameron, leave me alone". For some reason, this guy who was shaped like a twig and had a man bun (which was so not my type) gave me so many damn butterflies and made me nervous and emotional like I never been before. It felt like he was breaking my heart all the time, not because he's a player or anything because he isn't and was actually more interested in his guy friends than flirting with girls, but just by being who is. I know that makes no sense, but something about his personality would make my stomach flip upside down in good and bad ways. Fast forward to junior year, we didn't have any classes together but he definitely wasn't as mean anymore and we actually hugged when school started up again. I was planning to actually try and get to know him, but then COVID hit, we lost our senior year as it went entirely online, and boom suddenly we were graduating. I knew in our junior year he had a girlfriend at some point but they broke up right before our senior year started. In the months while we were online school, I'd also started hooking up with a guy who I eventually began dating. Keep in mind I was still with him, but then there we were at grad and I'm with my friend, when we run into Cameron and the first thing he says to me is, "Ha hoo, look who actually made it to graduation". My heart leaped, literally. I thought I was over it since a year passed since I saw him, but I felt it all over again in my heart. The fact that he got so good looking made it worse because I hadn't been physically attracted before, but now I was on top of already liking him. His stupid comment actually made me smile because I actually missed his sarcastic personality. He opened his arms and we hugged for a long time while he said congratulations. Our friends took pictures of us and a part of me was screaming to just pull him aside and tell him I used to have a crush on him, but thankfully, I decided against it. There really was no point since I actually had to leave later that week for the whole summer to start college early, plus a mutual friend had told me he started going out with a girl already. If I told him, I knew whatever he was going to say was going to break my heart, so I looked at him for a few seconds and wished him luck. He smiled at me, then I let him go and went off to find my family. It's been months since then and I'm in college now with a new life, new friends, and overall been having a great experience. The guy I'd been 'dating' ended it with me on good terms, which kinda sucked but he told me that he was getting the vibe that I wasn't that into him. I felt bad because when I met him, I was very attracted to him. I thought we had a spark, but then felt like it died the second I actually got him. But when I think about Cameron, I realized I actually did like his personality. Yeah he could be a little hurtful, but he was cheerful too, compared to a lot of our classmates who rarely talked/seemed down alot of the time. Seeing him brightened up the day in a way. His rude comments were mostly in jest and he was far from being an ideal guy, but something about him made me fall. My attraction to him was always more emotional since I only found him cute much later on. I don't even think about what if as in I don't imagine us together when I think about him. But more like, just wishing that I met him later on (like around now) when we were older and I actually know how to handle my feelings and flirt properly with a guy. So I guess this has turned into a half rant/half needing advice on how to not be sad anymore LOL. My best friend told me that he's probably my first love, or at most, the first guy I ever had proper feelings before but to let it go since it wasn't meant to happen right now. I don't think it can be first love though because we never even dated and I'm pretty sure to this day, he doesn't have a clue that I felt that way. I'd love to hear anyone's opinions on this or if they had similar experiences growing up. Edited October 27, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator language
Wiseman2 Posted October 27, 2021 Posted October 27, 2021 4 hours ago, joeyyxo said: I'm 18 and a freshman in college It's ok to be homesick and a little overwhelmed with the more young adult life in college. Reminiscing about simpler childhood crushes may be just a comfort zone. Make new friends. Join some groups, clubs, sports, volunteer, get a part time job and broaden your horizons. Be friendly to everyone and get involved in your classes and campus life. Start talking to guys. Get on some quality dating apps with a good profile and pics and start talking to and meeting guys. Embrace young adulthood and more independence and childhood crushes won't be that important.
glows Posted October 27, 2021 Posted October 27, 2021 I had a crush on one guy in highschool... for the entire length of highschool. It was agonizing. I feel for you. I agree with the comment about being more involved on campus and enjoy your college life now. You may run into your friend again later on or when you visit home. Embrace the new. 1
smackie9 Posted October 28, 2021 Posted October 28, 2021 I had a couple of school crushes. It was hard yes, but many years later I look back with fondness. They were actually happy memories that I never realized then.
Author joeyyxo Posted October 29, 2021 Author Posted October 29, 2021 On 10/27/2021 at 3:35 PM, glows said: I had a crush on one guy in highschool... for the entire length of highschool. It was agonizing. I feel for you. I agree with the comment about being more involved on campus and enjoy your college life now. You may run into your friend again later on or when you visit home. Embrace the new. Yeah, agonizing is an accurate word for it ahah. He was the first guy to ever make me feel something, which I guess is why it hurts so much because I never had the chance to get to know him properly. I was too busy being "enemies" with him that by the time I seriously started liking him, it was too late. I feel especially bad about the breakup with the other guy because when we used to hookup, I guess my mind was never really there. Maybe he sensed this and that's why he dumped me. I have been getting very involved with college life, but Cameron's just this little thing in the back of my mind you know? I've gone out with a good amount of guys at this point (mainly in high school and 2 so far since college started) so I think a break would be good, but none of them ever made me feel anything. Which I don't get because I swear I was into all of them in the beginning. With Cameron, it was a constant battle between wanting to rip my lashes out and wanting him to stay with me forever (even with all the arguing lmao). But like, he's the only person where my feelings never changed. Kinda makes me feel like something's wrong with me. 1
glows Posted October 29, 2021 Posted October 29, 2021 15 hours ago, joeyyxo said: Yeah, agonizing is an accurate word for it ahah. He was the first guy to ever make me feel something, which I guess is why it hurts so much because I never had the chance to get to know him properly. I was too busy being "enemies" with him that by the time I seriously started liking him, it was too late. I feel especially bad about the breakup with the other guy because when we used to hookup, I guess my mind was never really there. Maybe he sensed this and that's why he dumped me. I have been getting very involved with college life, but Cameron's just this little thing in the back of my mind you know? I've gone out with a good amount of guys at this point (mainly in high school and 2 so far since college started) so I think a break would be good, but none of them ever made me feel anything. Which I don't get because I swear I was into all of them in the beginning. With Cameron, it was a constant battle between wanting to rip my lashes out and wanting him to stay with me forever (even with all the arguing lmao). But like, he's the only person where my feelings never changed. Kinda makes me feel like something's wrong with me. Cameron's with someone else so leave this aside for awhile. He might have dared to challenge you and that's why you like him but relationships are more than that and about working together peacefully. It seems a break from dating might be a good idea. Are you joining interest groups for fun on campus? Add some playtime in there and meet new people in the platonic sense. Find a hobby or two you really like and immerse yourself in it. I don't think there's anything wrong with you. It's part of growing and learning what you like or want in a partner.
Wiseman2 Posted October 29, 2021 Posted October 29, 2021 17 hours ago, joeyyxo said: it was a constant battle between wanting to rip my lashes out. Ask if they have counseling on campus for you or see a physician about the anxiety and obsessions. There's actually a name for what you describe: 'Trichotillomania'. Google it https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/trichotillomania/symptoms-causes/syc-20355188
Author joeyyxo Posted October 29, 2021 Author Posted October 29, 2021 36 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Ask if they have counseling on campus for you or see a physician about the anxiety and obsessions. There's actually a name for what you describe: 'Trichotillomania'. Google it https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/trichotillomania/symptoms-causes/syc-20355188 OMG - no no I didn't mean it literally. You know how some girls like to wear fake lashes? I wear them to occasionally so I was making a joke about ripping them off to express how big my crush on this guy was. I don't think I have anxiety so no worries lol
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