choosing right person for relationship

[zpargo87]

Hi, new to forum,

Basically phyiscally I'm attracted to certain women and meet these but these women tend not to be compatible many times. The other outcome is i find someone compatible but then I don't have that physical attraction for them in which case I would imagine i would not be happy. I guess if you start a relationship with someone where there is little passion then I fear I may long for another partner and this is where people get unfaithful. But I guess sex or could be lust is one thing but personality more important.

Compatibility is very important. I need a decent human being ultimately. I'm a little worried about finance as whilst I'm ok financially I had health issue and now feel I won't be able to earn as much as I'd want to avoid stress. So need a partner that is stable or has sensible financial outlook. Thoughts welcome? Should I forget compatability or risk going for someone else but passion is there but in this case undergo financial stress

[FMW]

Physical attraction and compatibility are equally important for successful relationships.  It's not an either/or choice.

[Sun Seeker]

Wait till you meet someone that ticks all the boxes. Don't settle.

[Gaeta]

Why rush in one or the other choice and be unhappy. Keep searching. 

[Weezy1973]

2 hours ago, zpargo87 said:

Thoughts welcome? Should I forget compatability or risk going for someone else but passion is there but in this case undergo financial stress

So if I understand correctly, the women you’re attracted to tend not to be stable / financially responsible? 
 

I’d say it depends on what you’re looking for. If you want marriage, kids etc. then stability is very important. While spontaneous (aka impulsive) might be exciting,  it doesn’t bode well if you want a stable relationship. 

[zpargo87]

Yeah so the women I find attractive physically and therefore end up meeting are not as stable financially. I split up with a lady who I have very strong chemistry with and feel attracted to her personality. But realised later on she was in financial crisis and so was her family. What's driving this financial point is genuine fear around health deterioating when I am about to take on debt for a home. In the past it used to be a relationship can survive on one good salary. Now with houses and cost of living sky rockettimg and me not coming from a wealthy background I feel apprehensive about about a relationship with someone without some degree of financial stability or sensible outlook on finance. Sometimes I think what if I am in trouble with money and I need to trust my partner. 

Other point is finding a partner I have strong chemistry with that is also interested in me has proven to be like finding a needle in a haystack. Sometimes I think I may struggle to find the chemistry I had with the lady I split up with

Edited October 27, 2021 by zpargo87

[glows]

Talk to a financial advisor about your money. It doesn’t sound like you have healed past the last breakup so give yourself a break from relationships. All these worries sound like a burden and you may be rushing things. 

[Wiseman2]

Are you looking for arranged dating/marriage? You seem to place a lot of emphasis on the woman's financial ability.

[Alvi]

10 hours ago, zpargo87 said:

Yeah so the women I find attractive physically and therefore end up meeting are not as stable financially. I split up with a lady who I have very strong chemistry with and feel attracted to her personality. But realised later on she was in financial crisis and so was her family. What's driving this financial point is genuine fear around health deterioating when I am about to take on debt for a home. In the past it used to be a relationship can survive on one good salary. Now with houses and cost of living sky rockettimg and me not coming from a wealthy background I feel apprehensive about about a relationship with someone without some degree of financial stability or sensible outlook on finance. Sometimes I think what if I am in trouble with money and I need to trust my partner. 

Other point is finding a partner I have strong chemistry with that is also interested in me has proven to be like finding a needle in a haystack. Sometimes I think I may struggle to find the chemistry I had with the lady I split up with

Could you elaborate more on that? You are saying that your health is going to deteriorate to the point where you will not be able to earn much. But on another hand, you are looking for a financially stable woman. Because, why???? So that she would be able to pick up the slack financially and be the main breadwinner in your family. You look down on a woman who is not financially stable (and apparently you look down at her family for not being financially stable). And yet, you are saying that you are not going to be financially stable yourself some time in the future. But you are judging her and in your eyes she is not good enough for you. And her family is not rich enough for your liking. In a past, you payed for everything in a relationship but don't have enough money anymore. And yet, on top of that you have to be physically attractive to  you. Not saying you are wrong about psychical attraction, it is a must indeed. But in a past, a psychical attraction was all that mattered to you or not? What happens if you are not able to earn any money in the future? How will you contribute financially? Would you expect a woman to take care of you if you are no longer able to look after yourself. You want her to be an equal partner or are you looking for an attractive nurse with a big purse. Something just doesn't make sense. Also, a rich woman, would probably want to date a rich guy. And an attractive rich woman would have no shortage of partners to choose from. To win her, you need to be a prize yourself. That means money, looks, good health, good personality, etc....

P.S. Attractive women, who don't expect men to pay for them are not a rare breed anymore. It's just they expect their partner to be able to offer the same.

Edited October 27, 2021 by Alvi

[Ami1uwant]

18 hours ago, zpargo87 said:

Hi, new to forum,

Basically phyiscally I'm attracted to certain women and meet these but these women tend not to be compatible many times. The other outcome is i find someone compatible but then I don't have that physical attraction for them in which case I would imagine i would not be happy. I guess if you start a relationship with someone where there is little passion then I fear I may long for another partner and this is where people get unfaithful. But I guess sex or could be lust is one thing but personality more important.

Compatibility is very important. I need a decent human being ultimately. I'm a little worried about finance as whilst I'm ok financially I had health issue and now feel I won't be able to earn as much as I'd want to avoid stress. So need a partner that is stable or has sensible financial outlook. Thoughts welcome? Should I forget compatability or risk going for someone else but passion is there but in this case undergo financial stress

How much effort was put in those you say weren’t attractive?

 

from my own experience attraction builds over time.

[Gaeta]

11 hours ago, zpargo87 said:

Other point is finding a partner I have strong chemistry with that is also interested in me has proven to be like finding a needle in a haystack. Sometimes I think I may struggle to find the chemistry I had with the lady I split up with

Forget about chemistry right off the first date. Every time I followed chemistry it failed. The couple of times I slowly grew interest in a man it turned into a long term relationship in which I was very happy.  Butterflies and chemistry are tricks played by your brain. Look for someone you have 'interest in', look for compatibility, and for room to grow interest. 

[JRabbit]

28 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Forget about chemistry right off the first date. Every time I followed chemistry it failed. The couple of times I slowly grew interest in a man it turned into a long term relationship in which I was very happy.  Butterflies and chemistry are tricks played by your brain. Look for someone you have 'interest in', look for compatibility, and for room to grow interest. 

Great advice

[zpargo87]

13 minutes ago, Alvi said:

Could you elaborate more on that? You are saying that your health is going to deteriorate to the point where you will not be able to earn much. But on another hand, you are looking for a financially stable woman. Because, why???? So that she would be able to pick up the slack financially and be the main breadwinner in your family. You look down on a woman who is not financially stable (and apparently you look down at her family for not being financially stable). And yet, you are saying that you are not going to be financially stable yourself some time in the future. But you are judging her and in your eyes she is not good enough for you. And her family is not rich enough for your liking. In a past, you payed for everything in a relationship but don't have enough money anymore. And yet, on top of that you have to be physically attractive to  you. Not saying you are wrong about psychical attraction, it is a must indeed. But in a past, a psychical attraction was all that mattered to you or not? What happens if you are not able to earn any money in the future? How will you contribute financially? Would you expect a woman to take care of you if you are no longer able to look after yourself. You want her to be an equal partner or are you looking for an attractive nurse with a big purse. Something just doesn't make sense. Also, a rich woman, would probably want to date a rich guy. And an attractive rich woman would have no shortage of partners to choose from. To win her, you need to be a prize yourself. That means money, looks, good health, good personality, etc....

P.S. Attractive women, who don't expect men to pay for them are not a rare breed anymore. It's just they expect their partner to be able to offer the same.

So the first point is that i have a fear that my health could deteriorate again which would negatively impact finances and because I'm scarred from my original health issue I don't expect to be a high earner as I'll avoid high stress which tend to be high paid jobs. So all in all I don't think I'll ever be a high earner due to my backage and fear.

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You are saying that your health is going to deteriorate to the point where you will not be able to earn much. But on another hand, you are looking for a financially stable woman. Because, why???? So that she would be able to pick up the slack financially and be the main breadwinner in your family.

I think if it came to my financial situation becoming worse due to a health issue I would probably scrape through as I'm sensible with money. But I'd rather not support someone else using my own salary at the moment (it would be incredibly stressful to do so) because salary not high enough though this could change. Especially if the person I'm with demonstrated they cannot save money and spend everything they have and can't see why its an issue to have no savings or assets and be in debt as was case in last relationship. Also I'm uncomfortable taking a hit to my quality of life to fund another. For example would I be comfortable never travelling abroad because I am helping someone else financially. 

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Not saying you are wrong about psychical attraction, it is a must indeed. But in a past, a psychical attraction was all that mattered to you or not? What happens if you are not able to earn any money in the future? How will you contribute financially? Would you expect a woman to take care of you if you are no longer able to look after yourself

This is my fear as debt has to be repaid for the mortgage. If she didn't want to assist with payments then I wouldn't mind. If I struggled to pay then I would draw upon inheritance worst case.

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You want her to be an equal partner or are you looking for an attractive nurse with a big purse

I need her to be an equal partner - but what I'm finding is that those women that look like could be an equal partner for contributing financially I tend not to be attracted to. Probably because they have higher stress jobs and don't occupy traditional roles or have the personality traits I find unattractive - e.g For a lady to have similar job to a guy in terms of pay they would have to be competitive, work long hours and uninterested in any domestic jobs like a lot of guys.  I'm unattracted to women that have non-traditional roles as my mum and dad have very traditional roles. i.e dad breadwinner, mum does cooking, is caring, empathetic, does childcare etc

[zpargo87]

44 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

How much effort was put in those you say weren’t attractive?

 

from my own experience attraction builds over time.

Not much at all. But this is what dating is like online. You see the picture and either you are attracted or not and people move on. Although my last relationship I didn't think too much of her when saw pictures but attraction grew over time and much higher when intimate. 

[flitzanu]

i can only say this seems a little strange how much value you are placing on a woman you haven't met.

you're talking about YOUR responsibilities for housing and shelter, and your bills to pay.  

are you going to move in some girl right away to live with you and hope she wants to help pay your bills?  just because someone may seem fickle with money after one date, that doesn't mean that months or years down the road that they won't be more financially stable.  

basing your opinion on their financial stability on small amounts of information seems judgy

 

[JRabbit]

20 minutes ago, zpargo87 said:

 I'm unattracted to women that have non-traditional roles as my mum and dad have very traditional roles. i.e dad breadwinner, mum does cooking, is caring, empathetic, does childcare etc

This is so hypocritical.

You're attracted to women in traditional roles, but you don't fill the traditional role yourself?  See why things aren't working out?  You can't find a "traditional" role woman if you're not the breadwinner. Perhaps your issues are within you, and not within the women you look to date.

[basil67]

3 hours ago, zpargo87 said:

I need her to be an equal partner - but what I'm finding is that those women that look like could be an equal partner for contributing financially I tend not to be attracted to. Probably because they have higher stress jobs and don't occupy traditional roles or have the personality traits I find unattractive - e.g For a lady to have similar job to a guy in terms of pay they would have to be competitive, work long hours and uninterested in any domestic jobs like a lot of guys.  I'm unattracted to women that have non-traditional roles as my mum and dad have very traditional roles. i.e dad breadwinner, mum does cooking, is caring, empathetic, does childcare etc

I agree with @JRabbit   If you want a woman to take on a traditional role, you need to be the provider.  

I'm a SAHM/Carer with no income and I like what I can provide to the family. I do all those things you want a wife to do, but I can only do it because my husband is a high income earner.  If you want a woman who has a good income, then she will need to work the hours.  Be prepared for needing a cleaner, pre-prepared meals, paid childcare/au pair and everything else that being a professional entails. 

As your own working ability is hindered, what if you work part time and do the caring/cooking/diaper duties while your partner works full time to bring in the income?   It's not an unreasonable way to manage the relationship when one partner is partially incapacitated. 

[zpargo87]

3 hours ago, JRabbit said:

This is so hypocritical.

You're attracted to women in traditional roles, but you don't fill the traditional role yourself?  See why things aren't working out?  You can't find a "traditional" role woman if you're not the breadwinner. Perhaps your issues are within you, and not within the women you look to date.

Yes I think this is it. In my last relationship for things to have worked I needed to accept the responsibility of bread winner but the reality of my situation with health issue and the effects will mean I don't feel confident I can be the breadwinner and that made me nervous and fearful. 

It is up to me I either take the risk and go with a relationship under sterotype of traditional roles but realise I will have to compromise with a hit to a quality of life due to less money as I would be providing financial support to partner - this fills me with dread though I recognise that working on the self this type of relationship could blossom as having a partner will likely make me more successful. Or I accept that the truth is I am a man that has unfortunately had some life challenges and have the vulnerabilities that come with that and accept I won't be the breadwinner and thus search for a partner that is more compatible accepting a 50-50 split in finances and tasks.

[zpargo87]

19 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I agree with @JRabbit   If you want a woman to take on a traditional role, you need to be the provider.  

I'm a SAHM/Carer with no income and I like what I can provide to the family. I do all those things you want a wife to do, but I can only do it because my husband is a high income earner.  If you want a woman who has a good income, then she will need to work the hours.  Be prepared for needing a cleaner, pre-prepared meals, paid childcare/au pair and everything else that being a professional entails. 

As your own working ability is hindered, what if you work part time and do the caring/cooking/diaper duties while your partner works full time to bring in the income?   It's not an unreasonable way to manage the relationship when one partner is partially incapacitated. 

Thanks agreed. 

The worry on the health front is there and I don't think it will go away. If my health was to deteriorate then your suggestion would work well in those circumstances. It has been good to get this out of my head as I would have just been a dog trying to catch its tail again and again but not realising the issue. 

The other point is that I struggle to tell a partner about my health issue. It is not noticeable and I would look completely normal to her but its hard. 

[dramafreezone]

Is there any reason why you can't work towards improving your financial situation?  Maybe find work that doesn't require much physical stamina?

I know it's 2021, but I don't think we're at a point where a woman is looking to have to supplement your income with hers to be comfortable.  Most I've talked to say that they want a man who is already financially secure.  I would say do what you can to maximize your earning potential before focusing on dating, just my opinion.  It matters a lot.

Otherwise, I don't know how selective you can afford to be.  What else do you bring to the table?  Any woman that is willing to date you is comparing you to everyone else she can date, so what do you have that makes you a better option?

What if you find this hypothetical woman and SHE has a bad stretch to where her earning potential is affected?   Finances need to account for the unexpected.  If you can't support someone else, you probably shouldn't be in a relationship.

Edited October 28, 2021 by dramafreezone

[basil67]

1 hour ago, dramafreezone said:

What if you find this hypothetical woman and SHE has a bad stretch to where her earning potential is affected?   Finances need to account for the unexpected.  If you can't support someone else, you probably shouldn't be in a relationship.

So a person who has a chronic illness or disability shouldn't get married because they can't guarantee that they can support another person.   

This has to be the most ableist comment I've ever read on the boards.  

Edited October 28, 2021 by basil67

[Ami1uwant]

3 hours ago, zpargo87 said:

Yes I think this is it. In my last relationship for things to have worked I needed to accept the responsibility of bread winner but the reality of my situation with health issue and the effects will mean I don't feel confident I can be the breadwinner and that made me nervous and fearful. 

It is up to me I either take the risk and go with a relationship under sterotype of traditional roles but realise I will have to compromise with a hit to a quality of life due to less money as I would be providing financial support to partner - this fills me with dread though I recognise that working on the self this type of relationship could blossom as having a partner will likely make me more successful. Or I accept that the truth is I am a man that has unfortunately had some life challenges and have the vulnerabilities that come with that and accept I won't be the breadwinner and thus search for a partner that is more compatible accepting a 50-50 split in finances and tasks.

Where to start….

 

you want traditional women which mans they are off conservative dress so they likely aren’t going to look sexy enough for you in the pictures.

 

solution..look at Russian/east Europe/ Asian women where you pay too “ meet” them

[JRabbit]

I think a better plan would be to consider why you find non traditional women so unattractive and see if you can overcome that? Maybe a nice woman wants to take care of you? Wouldn’t that be nice?

[dramafreezone]

2 hours ago, basil67 said:

So a person who has a chronic illness or disability shouldn't get married because they can't guarantee that they can support another person.   

This has to be the most ableist comment I've ever read on the boards.  

He can get married if he wants to.  He could find someone today that would see him as the apple of their eye.   But for some reason he's having difficulty finding someone that will accept his situation, which prompted him to seek counsel here.  The "I can't find anyone" lament is a huge red flag to me.  He probably sees who would accept him as beneath his standards.

 Maybe the dating market is ableist too.  His results are what they are.   In my opinion, based on what he's told us he's not a viable option for the woman he wants.  If he were, he wouldn't be here with these problems.  He needs to increase his marketablity, or lower his standards.   I don't see any other options, and I don't think telling him that it's all going to work out in the end would be very helpful.

Edited October 28, 2021 by dramafreezone

[zpargo87]

Quote

you want traditional women which mans they are off conservative dress so they likely aren’t going to look sexy enough for you in the pictures.

solution..look at Russian/east Europe/ Asian women where you pay too “ meet” them

I am based in London. Yes I see a clear difference between local women and those from those areas you mention. Although I've heard some bad stories of guys going to meet women that are in those countries like scams for example.